Better for the kids... divorce now or wait?

[goddess_nemesis]

My aunt and her husband have been having marital problems for the past few years. Counseling hasn't worked and things between them are just getting worse.

They have two daughters, 14 and 6, and have been married for nearly 20 years. My aunt has finally come to the realization that things are not going to go back to the way they were and that she wants a divorce. Her oldest daughter asked her to wait until she graduates in about three years.

I kind of want to get people's opinions about whether it would be better for the kids if they were to divorce now or wait a few years?

 

[AngelOfDarkness]

Regardless of when they do divorce, it will be difficult for the children, and things will likely get even worse between them as time goes by. I think it would be best to begin the divorce right away, instead of waiting.

 

[desdemona]

If the children are saying to wait...that's sad. Because it really equals more misery for everyone involved. My parents waited until my sister had graduated from HS. It was painful to watch them and made me even more convinced that marriage is not an institution I want to pursue. So from my perspective, waiting is a bad idea. It just goes to show how living with someone you no longer have those feelings for is a bigger mistake than taking the plunge and ending things now.

 

[Bugman]

If the children are saying to wait...that's sad. Because it really equals more misery for everyone involved. My parents waited until my sister had graduated from HS. It was painful to watch them and made me even more convinced that marriage is not an institution I want to pursue. So from my perspective, waiting is a bad idea. It just goes to show how living with someone you no longer have those feelings for is a bigger mistake than taking the plunge and ending things now.

Yes,get it over with.My parents never divorced,but i think in the long run it would have been better for all concerned if they would have.Living a lie for the sake of keeping the family togeather does no one any favors.

 

[SlaverTickler]

I have heard it is better to wait until the kids are grown and out of the house. This is of course assuming there is no violence happening. So unless you Aunt is kicking the crap out of you uncle I would say they should stay together, but not "be together" perhaps he could make an apartment in the basement or something like that. Basically the study claimed it was more about having both parents around instead of taking turns with them, or having to pick one. It wouldn't be easy but nothing worth doing ever is.

 

[desdemona]

I understand the theory of having two parents would be more ideal. But I've considered adoption or fostering as a single parent. I think the example set by "less love" is better than brooding and having set a poor example. The problem for many (my brother fell into this category) is that they can't afford to separate or get a divorce. That's what's a real shame.

 

[vladtickleman22]

Now, without a doubt. My brother and i were 10 and 8. That was not a situation to grow up in and it was the best possible solution. To wait would have just made things even more miserable and would have put an even bigger strain on us all as a whole.

 

[maniactickler]

End it immediately. no use in pretending to be happily married for the kids. they can sense things arent right anyway.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

If it's clearly inevitable, there's no real point in waiting.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

My parents split when I was 15, and without going into detail, it fucked. me. up. There is NEVER going to be a "good time." As much as I feel for this girl, and I want to say make it as easy as possible on her, I don't think it would have been any easier on me at 18 than it was at 15. Do it now. Get it overwith. Start the healing. But above all, do not assume that because the kids aren't expressing pain, that they aren't feeling any.

 

[cynicschoice]

The decision when to end a marriage should be up to the husband and wife, not the children.

 

[venray]

Waiting will do nothing good for the kids. End it now, keep it civil, and move on with both parents still taking an interest in the kids as they grow.

My kids were 10 and 3 when my ex and I divorced after 16 years of marriage.. we are all good friends and still family and things have worked out well because we went on with our personal lives and put aside our differences to make sure the kids were fine and could see and talk to either of us at any time.

If they stay together "for the kids" the kids will suffer more in the long run...

 

[Fangz]

I remember my parents "staying together for the kids." It ended up with my house as a warzone for about 20 years. It got so bad that I tried to sign up for Operation Desert Storm back in 1991 just to get away from them but was rejected due to my very poor eyesight. Boy did they hate each other and yes, like I said they gave this wonderful upbringing for mine and my sister's benefit. Thanks! No wonder I was willing to face Saddam Hussein and the desert just so I didn't have to be in that situation. Now I have to take seroquel and effexor along with some other medication and I often wonder how much more successful and stronger I could have been if I wasn't forced to watch my father mentally torturing my mother all those years. I started reading when I was 4 and was a very smart child but started doing poorly in school when the fighting started between my parents. To answer your question it's better they divorce now. I assure you that kids can tell when something isn't right between their parents and it doesn't benefit them at all.

 

[fordtech30]

Speaking from the point of view of someone that has been through a divorce. If there is anyway they can work things out it is always better.

There must still be some sort of spark to go on.

 

[Lamashtu]

It'd probably be better to do it sooner than later. Why live a lie, it's showing the kids a fairy tale instead of preparing them for reality. And if the older child wants it to be after they graduate so maybe they are out of the house and don't have to deal with it? That's not good for the younger child who would be left at the house to deal with it without their sibling. The kids should know that it isn't their fault, but things don't always work out as planned, and they are still loved.
Since they went to counselling it shows that they did really try to salvage things. But in the end, if the love is lost, there isn't really any point.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

My parents divorced when I was 10 after 20 years of marriage. It was the best thing for everyone. Seriously it would be much better for everyone to divorce when they realize it was time. Staying together just for the kids is not good, because it will make the kids even more messed up in the end.

Anyway sorry to hear about this, but good luck to your family.

 

[lemoncake]

I'd have to agree with everyone that is saying to divorce sooner than later. My parents divorced when I was 12, and for so many years I had wished that they had waited until I was older. I am 28 now and am actually very glad that they got their divorce. I still have fond memories of them when they were in happier times, and I enjoy having those memories. I am glad that they didn't stick it out because who knows what kind of arguments or betrayals I could have witnessed. I think that would have really messed up my view of relationships. I do admit that their divorce has caused me to be more cautious when it comes to relationships, but I don't mind. I know too many friends who are in unhappy marriages or are divorced and they aren't even 30 yet.

One of the things that my parents did that was positive was really instill in me that their divorce had nothing to do with me, and it wasn't my fault. Just because they weren't in love anymore didn't mean they didn't love me. I can still remember them sitting down with me and talking it all out. They did that together and separately and I thought that was great of them to do. I think I would have felt more guilty if they had stayed together for me, I would have wanted them to be happy.

 

[kis123]

I really feel for your family, but I have to go with everyone else. I thought I was staying in my marriage for the kids' sake because my parents split when I was very young. I found out I was horribly wrong and my kids suffered miserably from it. It wasn't worth the pain I put me and the children through. It's been 10 years since I left him and my kids are still going through issues and I'm still fighting with him. Bad mistake on my part and you can't un-ring the bell either!

Please tell your aunt that it's best to do it now; your cousin will understand one day that the alternative is really really ugly.

 

[Bizkit]

I would suggest that they seperate sooner than later.Whether they know it or not they will be giving off negative vibes that may affect their children later in life.

 

[Capnmad]

I'll mostly reiterate what's been said. My parents were married for all my life, but it didn't make them happier. I honestly believe that divorce would have been a better option -- they weren't really meant for each other, personality-wise. They stayed together because of an oath to God, and in part, for our sake, but I wish they hadn't. We would have broken, healed, and become stronger, I think. It's a shame that the elder daughter is asking that they stay together until then, but perhaps someone should sit down with her and ask her what she hopes will happen if she gets that wish. There may be a way to give her what is truly desired beneath that wish without putting off the divorce, or it may simply be an unreasonable expectation that needs to be carefully dispelled.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

Thanks everyone for your opinions and insight. I agree that they should divorce now rather than later. I understand where my cousin is coming from about wanting them to stay together until she graduates, but it's unrealistic and unfair to her little sister.

It would be better if they sat the kids down, talked to them so they understand, and divorced amicably.

 

[Deadsea7777]

I do not know Tnemesis, is not a question for an easy answer. It depends a lot in the type of persons they are, how “civilized” they are, how untenable the situation is, really it is difficult because according to the case and cultures it can go both ways.
Maybe the official rule nowadays would be split clean and fast. However I know at least of one case where they separated rooms, and leave separate lives until the two kids went to University and graduated which took 6 years. Of course they did not start new families.
Then they sold the house, and one move to different part of the country and the other went to India. I said culture may be important because those phlegmatic people were British.
Therefore, if they are going to kill each other, well just split. Maybe they can fulfill their responsibilities as parents better in that way. However even in divorce, they would have to fulfill their responsibilities as parents, they cannot go on a freedom spree as if their off-spring does not exist, is important to keep that in mind when you divorce.

 

[Homer28]

I say divorce now for 2 reasons:
1) The kids are only going to see fighting and a relationship where people do not love each other.
2) Doing it now can help the kids learn about relationships and how to handle conflict appropriately (hopefully).

 

[WorkInProgress]

If the marriage is over then the marriage is over, but what's most important now is how they handle the divorce. They must work together to minimize the tension for the children. I think every divorcing couple with children should be required to watch a full screening of the Steve Martin movie "Mrs. Doubtfire."