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chili judges (silly)

steph

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The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The
Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing
there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser
truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all
of the beer!

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic:
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear
waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover:
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili:

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
 
Wonderful, just great!!!

Out of all the funny posts since I've been on TMF, this was the first one that made me laugh out loud!

I used to work at the Lone Star cafe in NYC.
They had 4 grades of chili;

0 alarm; for Yankee wusses
1 alarm; for the elderly and the kids, and those with weak digestive tracts
2 alarm; for real he-men and she-women
3 alarm; for superheros

Note; If you present photo ID proving that you are a native Texan, we will prepare our 4 or 5 alarm chili for you. Please allow 30 minutes for it to be made to order.

I never tried any of it. Didn't have the 'guts'.

Mastertank1

We who play and dance are thought mad by they who hear no music.
 
This is a classic! :smilestar :smilestar :smilestar :smilestar In fact, it may be my favorite joke.

I'll bet that over the past couple years I've read this joke a dozen times, but I still laughed out loud this time!
 
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