Coming clean

[Manofmystery]

This isn't easy for me to write, even though it's "just" a post on an internet forum to people that I most likely will never meet, it's still a little scary wondering what the reaction will be from some of you, especially the ones who I was really mean/nasty/rude to.

Anyway, I was just discharged today from a state mental hospital here in Illinois. It was my 5th hospitalization in the last 6 years and my 2nd since May of this year. The diagnosis was the same as it always has been: depression and anxiety with suicidal ideations. My reason for telling you this isn't to look for anyone to feel sorry for me, nor is it to make an excuse for the things I have said both in these posts and in the TMF Chatroom. I knew exactly what I was doing when I said those things, and when I harrassed those people in the chatroom, so I have no excuses to make. I'm telling you this because I had some time to think (sometimes too much) about my life, where it's going, where I want it to go and what I can do about it. I'm now on a new antidepressant, my 3rd, and I honestly feel a HELL of a lot better with this one than I have in quite some time. A psychiatrist at the hospital told me that I'm going to have to learn to cope with different situations, and that any medication is only going to help so much. But I'll tell you, the right medication makes it a LOT easier to cope with stuff.

If I could, I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself, only to give you a little bit of an idea where I'm coming from, or where I WAS coming from, when I was being such a dickhead. I'm 32 years old. I've dated a few women, but never had a relationship. What I liked to say, both in TMF and in AOL chatrooms, was that I've never had a relationship with a woman because I could never settle for just one woman, I would rather use & abuse them, yadda yadda. That's what I told myself too. In reality, I just felt so inadequate to what I thought the "average woman" was looking for in a man, that I just didn't bother even trying to meet anyone. What was the point? Any woman that I could ever find attractive would never feel that way about me. In fact, when females have tried to flirt with me in the past, I would actually start feeling angry because "they think I'm something I'm not, if they knew what I'm really like, they wouldn't give me the time of day." I had a lot of anger at women, because in my mind, any attractive women would think I was a loser. Just SEEING a good looking woman in a Blockbuster or a mall or something would get me feeling bitter and angry, because she was just one more woman who, given the opportunity, would reject me and tell me how unattractive I am.

The real reason I'm telling you this is because I LOVE tickling women. There's something about tickling a woman (especially her feet in my case) that only a tickler could ever understand. And also I'm tired of being a loner. It's not fun, and it's not healthy. What I'm trying to say is I would like to get involved in the tickling community, beyond just posting on a website. If I've pissed off too many people on here, if the women on here wouldn't feel safe with anything more than chatting on the internet with me because of things I've said, then I certainly understand and I won't ask again.

I'm going back and deleting every stupid and mean thing that I've ever said on TMF. And that's a lot of deleting. That goes for my other names, WomenRTicklToys, WomenAskForIt. I'm sure the mods are aware of this, but the names CaptainQuantum and JoeFromTheArea are mine also. These were names I would use when I actually felt like acting like a decent human being. A bit silly (I have a really goofy sense of humor when I want to), but decent.

Finally I want to apologize to anyone and everyone at TMF that I have offended/pissed off/hurt in the past. Especially the women, because they are the ones I was nastiest to. In particular I want to apologize to Steph, Iluv2Btickled, luvn2laf, Ticklee1973, ticklkitten, BigJim, mallysmom, Knox The Hatter, bella, Rich P, and anyone else that I left out.

Oh and one more thing. All that talk about paying for sex. I exaggerated a bit on that. I've paid many women to let me tickle them, both in strip clubs and massage parlors, but there was only one time I ever actually paid a woman for sex. It was a couple years ago. She was nice & all, but I just wound up tickling her more than anything. Like I said, only a tickler would understand.

Oh, and my name is Phil.

Thank you for your time.

 

[venray]

Welcome Phil. Glad you decided to join us....

That was one hell of a first post from someone on the road to recovery....



You will find that most of us here accept each other for what we are....

That's what a community is all about....Hope you decide to join us and stick around as the new you (or real you I should say)

PM me if you want to talk....


Ray

 

[Myriads]

My best wishes on your path to healing yourself and becoming well. It sounds as if you are working hard upon it, and makign solid progress. I hope that it continues!

Myriads

 

[Mitchell]

Phil, that was a very moving post. First let me say that most importantly, for yourself, and your own life and well being, Iam happy that you are on the road to recovery, and are succeeding in overcoming your issues.
Second, in regard to the TMF and your post. To be human is to be imperfect. This being said, I think it is an extremely positive step for you to assume responsibility for your past actions, to apologize to those you have hurt or offended, and to strive to be different in the future. It sounds to me from reading your post, that you have learned a great deal from your mistakes. Iam sure that as you assume your place as a productive member of the forum, people will view you differently, and begin to behave toward you in a more positive light. I for one applaud people who make mistakes and want to change. All too often, I have had experiences in my personal life where I've dealt with people who do the same things over and over again, and dont care who they hurt, and they feel that they dont have to change, because others feelings just dont matter. That isnt the case here. I have a feeling you can do very well here with your new outlook. Change and forgiveness is a good thing. Iam all for it. Good Luck to you. Iam sure there will be many here, both new and old, who will be happy to get to know you with your new outlook. All the best to you, Phil.

Mitch

 

[Ticklee1973]

I must say I read this with indifference until I got to the part where you named all your screennames. Then I realized certainly some of your posts. This is one hell of an attempt at coming clean and starting over and I certainly hope that is goes well for you. It takes alot of guts to come and post all of that personal stuff about yourself. Good luck to you in your search for your true self and in your recovery.

Sandee

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

As Sandee said, that took a good deal of guts. Though we've never had a personal run-in, I have seen some of the posts you refer to. It's good to see you trying to bring healing (both for your own sake and that of others). We all screw up at times, in our own ways. It's those who come clean and truly work toward change that deserve real respect. If we can do anything to help support you in your struggle, you know where to find us.

Ann

 

[Sultrybrunette]

I was very impressed with your post. Its well known I suffer from depression also and have been on just about every medicine there is. I am glad that one is working for you. I also have been placed in a mental hospital last year for four days due to a suicide attempt. If you ever feel like talking about it and comparing notes please feel free to contact me.

 

[Manofmystery]

Thanks for you all being so cool about it. Like I told Venray in a PM, I really didn't know what kind of reaction to expect.

Sultry sorry to hear about that, and hope you're doing better now. I don't know about you, but my depression/anxiety is very situational. If I like my circumstances, if things seem to be going my way, I feel fine. If they don't, I feel like crap. I know there are people with depression who, if you ask them what they're depressed or anxious about will honestly tell you "I don't know".

So the psychiatrist I saw at intake said she wanted to try a stronger medication. Intake is where you wait when you first get to the hospital while they do all the paperwork, get your information, wait for a bed to open up, etc. And if it's a state hospital in the US, you can be in that waiting room sometimes over 24 hours, depending on how busy they are. I know that first hand. Thankfully, this time I was ONLY in the waiting area about 7 hours which is pretty good.

When I got to the unit where I would be staying, the 1st room they put me in had a toilet that wouldn't flush. I told this male nurse at the front desk and he said "welcome to the wonderful world of state hospitals. We're still waiting for someone to come out and fix it." And then he told me about all the other things that they're waiting for someone to come out and fix. Private hospitals are nothing like that. It just seems that in this country, if you don't have insurance, or don't have money, you just don't matter as much. I've heard that countries in Europe have a lot smaller gap between the rich and the poor; that their "poor" aren't doing as bad financially as ours. Does America just have a lot more lazy people? I don't think so. I'm not anti-American, or even knocking America. I just think that we have things we could learn from other countries, just as they have things they could learn from us.

Well excuse me while I climb down off of this soapbox before I get a nosebleed. Talk to you later. And thanks again.

 

[kis123]

What a man!!!!

Wow!

I knew it was you even before I finished reading your post. There were times you would make my head spin, then I just stopped responding and reading your posts.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I always felt a person who hated women on the level you used to had severe problems. The good news is you found the right medication to pull you through. I wish you nothing but the very best.

I know how it feels to have to suck it up and publicly apologize on the TMF. But I was told by a wise person that if you mess up in public, you should fix it in public. I've immediately developed a new respect for you.

I know how it feels to suffer from depression. It swallows you up to the point that you can't even breathe. I haven't had it as severely as you, but I've been close. It will get better if you let it and continue to take your meds and whatever therapy works for you.

I'm pulling for you and have complete faith in your ability to just get better from here.

 

[grippedchimp]

I want to be honest here. When you were talking in the TMF chatroom about how relationships are a waste of time, all you need is money to get women to go out with you, as well as accompanying those rather pious comments like "life's a party", not to mention being rude to the women there, I thought you were a complete asshole. I even had to say how much of a chauvinist you were and you responded you were beyond chauvinism.

The sad part was that some of the men that were in the chatroom at the time agreed with you. It was moments like that which nearly convinced me that being male was some kind of disease (given my neurotic tendancies), what with the ever-increasing amount of "F/F only" people round here, and showed how less a man you were with that attitude, but in the back of my mind, something didn't seem right with you.

Now that you have admitted your problems, poured out your feelings to fellow ticklephiles, and planning to change yourself for the better, you've come across as more than a man now, and that's very commendable. You do come across as an intelligent person, and I'm very sure you're not alone in feeling a bit angry and bitter at times, especially when you think a woman may turn you down or something. Just remember that if you chat to a woman and she smiles at you, then you're definitely on the right track. Seriously, I have that attitude that I'm rather physically unattractive to the opposite sex, but I try my best to use my other qualities to make myself more appealing.

Anyway, hope you do well for yourself, and do stick with one username next time!

 

[Manofmystery]

To grippedchimp: you then go under the category of "anyone that I left out", when I was apologizing to individual members. As I was deleting the posts where I had been offensive, I was taking note of everyone who expressed being pissed off at me in succeeding posts, so I knew who to apologize to. Naturally I'm sure a lot more people were offended by my posts than those who actually expressed it. Sorry I missed you, GC.

There were also some women in the TMF chatroom who I was pretty nasty to. I couldn't remember what names they used in the chatroom though, and I just went in the chatroom and I didn't see any names I recognized.

Ah, I just did a search for the word "smurf", because I knew her name or chatroom icon or something had to do with smurfette. TicklishSinner, that's her. She also goes on the "people I left out" list.

And to kis123, thanks for the kind words, and for understanding.

Later

 

[steph]

Wow. I don't know what to say. That took major cajones. I've battled depression in the past and counsel many patients who suffer from SI. It really sucks. I thank you for being so honest and for the apology. Sounds like you're already well on your way to becoming the amazing person you were intended to be and I'm glad.
XOXO

 

[red indian]

What the Hell????!!.......

........you had a list of folks you have insulted and to whom you apologise?......and you missed me out?

 

[Manofmystery]

Re: What the Hell????!!.......

To Red Indian: it must've been in the chatroom then, because I couldn't find any threads like that. The chatroom is tougher because I can't go back and look up what I said and to whom. I apologize for anything I said to you though, and for my fuzzy memory.

 

[tkrexx]

Never had any problems with you, dude, but to make this kind of admission in a forum dedicated to something you love, well, one can either admire your guts or pity your ignorance. Given my own experience, I'll take the former. Good luck to you.

Rxx

 

[red indian]

Not quite what I meant Old chap..........

.....what I mean is, I feel deeply insulted about the fact that you have never taken the trouble to insult me!

I feel very much left out, you have insulted all these people, but never bothered to diss me, not even once!!!

I dont know why I bother sometimes.

 

[Manofmystery]

To tkrexx: well like I said in the original post, I would like to become more a part of the tickling community, go to gatherings when they come my way & such. And I didn't want to always have in the back of my mind "are these people going to figure out I'm the guy who used to be such an asshole to them?" Which I'm sure they would eventually. Not only that, but it just wouldn't feel right because I'd know I wasn't being straight up with them. Believe it or not, for all my stories of what an asshole I am in real life, when I have tickled women at gentleman's clubs & stuff, we actually both have a good time and I enjoy their company. I make them laugh, and I don't mean by tickling them alone. But that I treat women like crap in real life was the image I wanted to portray. Oh and I like the image of the T-Rex. So that's why the T-Rex's arms were so small. Easier to tickle cave women with. 😎

And to Red Indian: Uhm, ::trying to think of an insult:: YOU SMELL!
Oh wait, that wasn't cool. I'm sorry. 🙁

 

[AquaFeline]

Gee, can I get insulted too? Monty python-esque insults are always fun. 🙂

Edit: to say something serious, I totally know what it is like to act like an ass when you're depressed and regret it later. I admire you for coming clean. Hopefully most people will find it in their hearts to forgive you (but time will tell if that forgiveness is merited, regardless of what is said immediately.)

 

[Manofmystery]

Totally!

So you "totally" know what it's like huh? Sorry, I just love it when a woman talks like a valley girl. I find it sexy as all get-out. Whatever "all get-out" is.

AquaFeline's Occupation: helping make sure people don't explode. Do I dare ask?? Thanks, by the way.

 

[Manofmystery]

I've been meaning to ask.....

like grippedchimp said, I should start sticking to just one screen name. If nothing else, it saves confusion. I wanted to ask the mods, is it okay if from now on I only use the Manofmystery name to respond to this particular thread (assuming anyone else replies to it), and use CaptainQuantum for everything else, including the chatroom? There's just too much negativity associated with this name, at least for me. Besides, I really like the Quantum name because I really do find metaphysical type stuff so fascinating. And to my knowledge, I've never pissed anyone off while using it lol Thanks.

Phil

 

[He-Man]

Besides, I really like the Quantum name because I really do find metaphysical type stuff so fascinating.

Darn, and I guessed you like it because of the Quantum Ranger. lol (yeah, yeah, laugh all ya want, Power Rangers Time Force kicked ass. lol "Time for, Time Force!" "Quantum Power!") j/k

 

[Manofmystery]

Amy Jo Johnson (the original Pink Ranger) used to drive me absolutely nuts with tickle lust when she was on that show. Especially when she run around barefoot in her gymnastics outfit. She supposedly said in a chat that she likes having her feet tickled. Well she might as well learn to like it, cause I can see her getting a lot of it.

As for CaptainQuantum, I got the idea from a little-known movie called What the Bleep Do We Know. It's all about metaphysics. In it, quantum physicist Fred Alan Wolf appears on the cover of a made-up comic book called "Doctor Quantum." I love that movie. A lot of people will find it WAY out there, but I don't think you have to agree with the viewpoints that they're pushing to find it entertaining.

Oh, and the theme song from the old He-Man cartoon kicked ASS!

 

[Dave2112]

Congratulations on your first step to getting things sorted out. Even though there are often very plausible explanations for our sometimes erratic behavior, we must also realize that, in the end, we are accountable for our own actions. With the ease of creating new identies online, it would have been very simple to cut and run, then come back later. Simple, but not very satisfying in the long run.

I wish you the best!

 

[Dussicar]

Manofmystery, I have a few questions to ask you. What type of antidepressants are you taking? What is the name? Also, how much do they cost and how long do you have to take them before they take effect? Do they also help with extreme anxiety?

Any answer you can give would be appreciated.

 

[Manofmystery]

I am taking Effexor XR. They started me out at 75mg and I am now at 150mg. I first started feeling the effects after 6 days, but I've heard it can take up to 2 weeks. As for anxiety, when I was hospitalized, I had a huge problem with worry. "what if ____ happens? what if _____ happens? what if _____ happens?" The worry is gone, my "problems" seem much less scary than they did when I was hospitalized on the 3rd. Huge difference. Things don't bother me anywhere near as much as they did just a week and a half ago. As for how much it costs, I get free samples at a mental health clinic, but you could call a Walgreens pharmacy and they could probably be able to tell you how much it would cost out of pocket. Hope that helps.