The person who wrote this really liked the word "fuck," but other than that, this is pretty funny I think.
I read this article today:
Consumer confidence plunges to 79.4, a 9-year low By Rex Nutting
"Consumer confidence plunged in October to the lowest level in
nine years, the Conference Board said Tuesday. The board's index
dropped to 79.4 in October from 93.7 in September, matching the
decline already reported in the University of Michigan's survey.
Consumer expectations dropped to 80.7 in October from 97.2 in
September. Consumers' assessment of current conditions in
October sank to 77.5 in October from 88.5 in September.
Economists were expecting a decline to 90.1. "The outlook for
the holiday retail season is now fairly bleak," the board said."
And it got me thinking. I realize that I'm in non-profit, the
anti-economy, but I have learned a few things this month about
consumer confidence, and I'd like to share my findings with you,
and all the financial analysts out there. So, why is consumer
confidence is at a 9-year low? I'll tell you why.
*Every time I try on clothes, the saleswoman nags me about how
everything is working out, and kindly offers to find me a bigger
size. Yeeaaaah, that makes me want to buy one of everything!
*Being threatened by First USA creditors with a "did you forget
about us this month?" letter - as though not paying my $650
minimum monthly payment were some sort of crime - does not a
confident consumer make.
*Watching the mayor cut all recycling programs only to find
Microsoft vandalizing the city with it's plastic butterfly
graffiti and some intern stuffing his fat ass into a butterfly
costume to help promote MSN branding under the slogan "It's
better with the butterfly" is certainly not making me rush to
upgrade my OS. Better with the butterfly? I don't fuckin think
so. Not that fat guy, not my house. I got two words for
you, Gates: software piracy. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
*Cigarettes are $7 and you won't even let people smoke them in
public? Ok, someone [New York State] needs to work on his
marketing campaign! "Give me your money, you filthy bastard!
Here's your Newports, now go lock yourself in the basement and
light up. You're a burden on society and I hope you die a slow,
horrible death. Will there be anything else today? Thank you
come again!"
*Lizzy gets room service for mowing people down with her truck?
And you want tme to donate the portion of my paycheck that's NOT
used to house her fucked up ass in her own cell to our national
economy? What the fuck is wrong with you?
*"Hi, this is Con Edison. You're utility bill tripled this
month because your refrigerator was working extra hard this
summer. So we took the liberty of recalculating your monthly
payments and have determined that you owe us $256. But we want
you to know that you have a choice in your energy service
providers and we do appreciate your business."
*After making a $25 donation to a charity who shall remain
nameless, that charity has sent me no less than 47 supplimental
mailings, thereby negating my original donation with postage and
paper. And I'm supposed to feel good about that? Fuck!
*Airline rates are at an all-time low, encouraging us all to
leave our daily stresses behind and take that much-needed
vacation. Of course, don't forget to add another $76 in
security charges, arrive 3 hours early in order to be led into a
dark corrodor in your bare feet and be fondled by a private
security company whose employees may or may not be more
concerned with what happened at the club last night than what's
in your handbag but will fondle you nevertheless, emptying your
precisely-packed unmentionables onto a sterile table to be
rummaged through by rubber-gloved interns, as you look on
helplessly, praying they don't think your vibrator is a
detinator, trying to make a meal out of your bagel chips that
you just paid $7.50 for and realize that they are giving them
to you on the plane for free, getting fondled on the way out for
suspician that you stole the headphones, yeah, sure glad I left
the fuckin stress at home!
*Citibank, which boasts the highest bank fees in the nation, and
Mercedes, which is all about making you feel incompetent and
underachieved, spawning ad campaigns telling me how to "live
richly" and not focus on money? HELLO? Ok assholes, I don't
need to earn frequent flyer miles when I buy my metrocard
because I've no plans to "Take the B Train and End up in
Barcelona," but I'd really appreciate it if you could stop
charging me $50 every time my checking account balance drops
below $5,000, because I'm lucky if I have $5 in there at any one
time. And Mercedes, don't tell me to take a road trip with my
kids to the mountains, because of your payment plan I can never
take a trip again. Or have kids, for that matter. It's your
fault my Citibank balance is so low! I work 80 hour weeks just
to pay the insurance, the car hasn't left the garage because I
can't afford the gas, and if I had kids, they wouldn't remember
what I look like anymore. So you want to tell me to take my car
into the mountains and focus on the little things? What if
I sent you a little less money each month? Focus on my ass, you
stupid motherfuckers!
*I'm no economist, but my thinking is, after reading statistics
like those above, OF COURSE CONSUMER EXPECTATIONS ARE GOING TO
DROP! I can see the analyst meeting now. "I don't understand
it, Bill. We told them that the outlook for the holiday season
is now fairly bleak, and suddenly their expectations dropped. I
don't get it. We've crunched these numbers a thousand times and
still can't make heads or tails of it." Where'd you get your
MBA, you fuckin moron?
I'm in the wrong line of work. Economics 101 here I come!
I read this article today:
Consumer confidence plunges to 79.4, a 9-year low By Rex Nutting
"Consumer confidence plunged in October to the lowest level in
nine years, the Conference Board said Tuesday. The board's index
dropped to 79.4 in October from 93.7 in September, matching the
decline already reported in the University of Michigan's survey.
Consumer expectations dropped to 80.7 in October from 97.2 in
September. Consumers' assessment of current conditions in
October sank to 77.5 in October from 88.5 in September.
Economists were expecting a decline to 90.1. "The outlook for
the holiday retail season is now fairly bleak," the board said."
And it got me thinking. I realize that I'm in non-profit, the
anti-economy, but I have learned a few things this month about
consumer confidence, and I'd like to share my findings with you,
and all the financial analysts out there. So, why is consumer
confidence is at a 9-year low? I'll tell you why.
*Every time I try on clothes, the saleswoman nags me about how
everything is working out, and kindly offers to find me a bigger
size. Yeeaaaah, that makes me want to buy one of everything!
*Being threatened by First USA creditors with a "did you forget
about us this month?" letter - as though not paying my $650
minimum monthly payment were some sort of crime - does not a
confident consumer make.
*Watching the mayor cut all recycling programs only to find
Microsoft vandalizing the city with it's plastic butterfly
graffiti and some intern stuffing his fat ass into a butterfly
costume to help promote MSN branding under the slogan "It's
better with the butterfly" is certainly not making me rush to
upgrade my OS. Better with the butterfly? I don't fuckin think
so. Not that fat guy, not my house. I got two words for
you, Gates: software piracy. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
*Cigarettes are $7 and you won't even let people smoke them in
public? Ok, someone [New York State] needs to work on his
marketing campaign! "Give me your money, you filthy bastard!
Here's your Newports, now go lock yourself in the basement and
light up. You're a burden on society and I hope you die a slow,
horrible death. Will there be anything else today? Thank you
come again!"
*Lizzy gets room service for mowing people down with her truck?
And you want tme to donate the portion of my paycheck that's NOT
used to house her fucked up ass in her own cell to our national
economy? What the fuck is wrong with you?
*"Hi, this is Con Edison. You're utility bill tripled this
month because your refrigerator was working extra hard this
summer. So we took the liberty of recalculating your monthly
payments and have determined that you owe us $256. But we want
you to know that you have a choice in your energy service
providers and we do appreciate your business."
*After making a $25 donation to a charity who shall remain
nameless, that charity has sent me no less than 47 supplimental
mailings, thereby negating my original donation with postage and
paper. And I'm supposed to feel good about that? Fuck!
*Airline rates are at an all-time low, encouraging us all to
leave our daily stresses behind and take that much-needed
vacation. Of course, don't forget to add another $76 in
security charges, arrive 3 hours early in order to be led into a
dark corrodor in your bare feet and be fondled by a private
security company whose employees may or may not be more
concerned with what happened at the club last night than what's
in your handbag but will fondle you nevertheless, emptying your
precisely-packed unmentionables onto a sterile table to be
rummaged through by rubber-gloved interns, as you look on
helplessly, praying they don't think your vibrator is a
detinator, trying to make a meal out of your bagel chips that
you just paid $7.50 for and realize that they are giving them
to you on the plane for free, getting fondled on the way out for
suspician that you stole the headphones, yeah, sure glad I left
the fuckin stress at home!
*Citibank, which boasts the highest bank fees in the nation, and
Mercedes, which is all about making you feel incompetent and
underachieved, spawning ad campaigns telling me how to "live
richly" and not focus on money? HELLO? Ok assholes, I don't
need to earn frequent flyer miles when I buy my metrocard
because I've no plans to "Take the B Train and End up in
Barcelona," but I'd really appreciate it if you could stop
charging me $50 every time my checking account balance drops
below $5,000, because I'm lucky if I have $5 in there at any one
time. And Mercedes, don't tell me to take a road trip with my
kids to the mountains, because of your payment plan I can never
take a trip again. Or have kids, for that matter. It's your
fault my Citibank balance is so low! I work 80 hour weeks just
to pay the insurance, the car hasn't left the garage because I
can't afford the gas, and if I had kids, they wouldn't remember
what I look like anymore. So you want to tell me to take my car
into the mountains and focus on the little things? What if
I sent you a little less money each month? Focus on my ass, you
stupid motherfuckers!
*I'm no economist, but my thinking is, after reading statistics
like those above, OF COURSE CONSUMER EXPECTATIONS ARE GOING TO
DROP! I can see the analyst meeting now. "I don't understand
it, Bill. We told them that the outlook for the holiday season
is now fairly bleak, and suddenly their expectations dropped. I
don't get it. We've crunched these numbers a thousand times and
still can't make heads or tails of it." Where'd you get your
MBA, you fuckin moron?
I'm in the wrong line of work. Economics 101 here I come!
