DEEP, possibly depressing topic

[BellaRisa]

Lindy and Ann-

Forgive me, but you might be missing the point...I respect you both, but your posts come off as a little judgmental to me. And I know you're not like that.

See, something like this went through my mind too, though I know Lindy and Ann weren't being judgemental; rather, it's about not closing your mind to good love because the mold you created isn't really the right mold for you. I agree with that; I **adore** big huge Manly McBeefy Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne types, yet my hubby is a 5'5 refugee from the Lucky Charms box. And I wouldn't change a thing about him

BUT...that doesn't mean we can't have a good frame of reference, knowing our likes and dislikes (see my deal breaker post). Besides, it's fun to create the perfect mate in your mind, as long as you know it's just for fun

Bella

 

[Strider]

She should have an appreciation for fine food and drink

Good call; that is a truly underrated attribute.

 

[Icycle]

Lindy and Ann-

Forgive me, but you might be missing the point. Someone can certainly say that their ideal mate has no particular qualities but is someone with whom they can grow and learn and that's a valid answer and the one you guys apparently think is correct.

But most people have some thoughts in their head about qualities they absolutely must have and they're entitled to that as well. It's valid too.

I respect you both, but your posts come off as a little judgmental to me. And I know you're not like that.

Thanks everyone for your input.

I hesitate to speak for Lindy, but I don't think she's advocating "learning to love the one you're with". I think she is suggesting that rather than partcipating in a quixotic search for "one true love" you should try to find a person (or people!) who fit well with you for at least some aspects of your life.

Lindy and I love each other very much. We have a wonderful relationship, and we are quite happily married. But neither of us would consider the other his or her ultimate ideal. We have similar politcal views. We both love to cook and to eat. We love to dance Argentine tango together. But I don't dance Lindy Hop, and she doesn't cycle. As you can guess, each of us finds these aspects of our lives important enough to use them as our respective screennames.

Rather than be disappointed that my wife doesn't like cycling, instead I cherish what we do have together and share my passion for cycling with others. And she has friends that she goes out Lindyhopping with every week.

For us, this extends beyond platonic interests as well. For example, though I do enjoy tickling her, I just don't have a tickling fetish. So she has play partners who can fulfill her tickling desires in a way that I'm just not interested in. And I want to experiment with spanking, biting, and scratching, which she is not really very interested in, so I've found people to explore this interest with as well.

This works quite well for us, allowing us to fit together more "puzzle pieces" of a fullfilling life than a single person alone could hope to do.

 

[LindyHopper]

Lindy and Ann-

Forgive me, but you might be missing the point. Someone can certainly say that their ideal mate has no particular qualities but is someone with whom they can grow and learn and that's a valid answer and the one you guys apparently think is correct.

But most people have some thoughts in their head about qualities they absolutely must have and they're entitled to that as well. It's valid too.

I respect you both, but your posts come off as a little judgmental to me. And I know you're not like that.

Nope, not trying to be judgmental, more like offering unsolicited advice. 😀 I just think the way that most people approach finding their "life-mate" is counterproductive and tends to lead to disappointment. How often have we seen threads around here asking, "She's perfect for me, EXCEPT (she doesn't like tickling, he's not very dominant, etc.), should I stay with her or not?" So, when I have the opportunity, I do what I can to try to steer people away from that way of thinking - of comparing their current prospect to their image of "perfection," and noting the ways that he or she doesn't measure up. Of course, everyone is free to have their own ideas, and to agree or disagree with mine.

Because I know myself, I know I there are qualities that I must have in any close relationship. He has to be intelligent. He has to be kind. And there are certainly a lot of other things that help. Nevertheless, I appreciate my husband much more for the person he truly is, than for how well he fits with me. And turning it around the other way, I would much rather be appreciated for the person I truly am, than for how well I fit someone else's preconceived notion of the person they want to be with forever.

 

[Headsnap]

As long as they're not Charles Manson or Dame Edna Everage then I'm happy.

 

[Deadsea7777]

OK...you're sitting in your living room, family room, den..whatever.

Across from you is sitting the person you choose to spend your life with. Not the person you ended up with due to circumstances...not necessarily the person you ended up with before you found Josie's site, or Jack's Rack or TMF....not the person who is a good mother/father....but the person you really really are meant to be with. Never mind if that person is really possible or logical.

Describe that person.

MM, i. e. Marilyn Monroe, the one and only.

 

[MrMacphisto]

Empty Chair.

Myriads

LMAO!!!! That was good... Damn... You stole my response.

Hmmm, but seriously... I don't want to sound shallow here, but as far as looks go, Claire Forlani comes to mind.

When it comes to a deeper response, I can't really say, but I do like intellectual women that are a little tomboyed and secure with themselves. Unfortunately, they tend to either be taken or totally not interested....

 

[Haltickling]

MM, i. e. Marilyn Monroe, the one and only.

Instead, you sit around with some M&Ms... 😛
Sorry, couldn't resist!

 

[unclebill]

A woman who understands that the Hokey Pokey really isn`t "what its all about".

 

[JadeUk]

Well if we can change all teh she's to he's its Footickler14

 

[Deadsea7777]

Instead, you sit around with some M&Ms... 😛
Sorry, couldn't resist!

God!!!! I was a sitting duck!!! Dam you !!!

 

[Capnmad]

A good question.

My answer?

I don't know how I might change in the future, so if this is going to be a lifelong companion, I must demand first what I strive for -- highly adaptive understanding.

She would have to be independent, yes, and not be with me because she needs me, but because she wants me... But she must want me like I would want my lifelong love -- and that is more than anything.

She must be intelligent, creative, capable of having a conversation, possess wit, and be kind of heart when it matters.

She must mesmerize me in some way. The way she moves, or the way she speaks or laughs... There must be something truly magical about her (not everything -- just one thing will do) that I could build an endless fascination upon.

Physically healthy.

That's all I can think of immediately... oh! And must be a cuddler! I would want to touch and cuddle and tickle and kiss (and everything else that may lead to 😉 ) -- a lot.

Most everything else that matters stems from this.

If this is you, please write me. 😀

 

[IrishTickle]

For me, that ship has sailed. 🙁

Still, there's plenty more fish in the sea, so we'll see who comes in second 😀

 

[Ethical Edward]

Empty Chair.

Myriads

Ditto. Not speaking for Myriads but in my case the forsaken by fate are given one chance, usually a shitty one and then when it crumbles they spend the rest of their lives alone remembering what was and what might have been.

 

[IrishTickle]

Ditto. Not speaking for Myriads but in my case the forsaken by fate are given one chance, usually a shitty one and then when it crumbles they spend the rest of their lives alone remembering what was and what might have been.

At least it's not raining!

 

[lk70]

A good question.

My answer?

I don't know how I might change in the future, so if this is going to be a lifelong companion, I must demand first what I strive for -- highly adaptive understanding.

She would have to be independent, yes, and not be with me because she needs me, but because she wants me... But she must want me like I would want my lifelong love -- and that is more than anything.

She must be intelligent, creative, capable of having a conversation, possess wit, and be kind of heart when it matters.

She must mesmerize me in some way. The way she moves, or the way she speaks or laughs... There must be something truly magical about her (not everything -- just one thing will do) that I could build an endless fascination upon.

Physically healthy.

That's all I can think of immediately... oh! And must be a cuddler! I would want to touch and cuddle and tickle and kiss (and everything else that may lead to 😉 ) -- a lot.

Most everything else that matters stems from this.

If this is you, please write me. 😀

I really really liked this answer. Well done, Capn.

 

[IrishTickle]

I really really liked this answer. Well done, Capn.

Well we all want he perfect partner. It's the chances of finding that person that's the problem!

 

[lk70]

Well we all want he perfect partner. It's the chances of finding that person that's the problem!

Specifically I liked the phrase "highly adaptive understanding." It seems like something to strive for. And it serves to somewhat clarify, perhaps, what Lindy and Ann were trying to say, if I'm reading it right.

 

[IrishTickle]

Well, to be pessimistic (which, sadly I am until proven other wise) There is no perfect person, only someone you settle for, nothing more...

 

[Mimi]

Well, to be pessimistic (which, sadly I am until proven other wise) There is no perfect person, only someone you settle for, nothing more...

I beg to differ. I thought that too the first time around, and that's why I settled for my first husband of 11 years. Then I met the perfect person for ME, and now I am living a fairy tale. It can and does happen...just unfortunately not everyone has that luck.

Mimi

 

[Deadsea7777]

Well, to be pessimistic (which, sadly I am until proven other wise) There is no perfect person, only someone you settle for, nothing more...

Stop there!!!! I am perfect, I am so perfect,in fact I am in love with ME!!!

 

[alchemy]

Right now, I look upon and empty seat and sneer...I may even put a potted plant there to futher discourage any possible sitters...

But if the person I was meant to be with were sitting across from me, she would have these qualities:

- She would be intelligent...not necessarily "book smart"

- She would be interesting to talk to

- She would have a great sense of humor and wit

- She would be sensible, but be able to be frivolous when appropriate

- She would have a wonderful imagination and a slightly twisted way of looking at the world

- She would have grace and elegance about her

- She would have her own thoughts and opinions, but be tollerant of others

- She would be serious...but could be very playful around the right person

- She would be a good, mature person...and yet accepting of her dark nature as well

- She would be philosophical and would take time to truely think about and discuss life and/or existence

- She would have a wonderful, musical laugh, smooth, sensative skin, and smile that could light up a room

- She will own a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

- She will be able to appreciate both art and music

 

[TicklishLurker]

Okay, in all seriousness -

The things in the "Relationship Deal Breakers" thread are all things I do NOT want in a man. (Or woman as the case may be.)

As unhappy as most marriages I see are, I'm not sure I even believe in true love or soul mates.

But I'd have to say that one thing I'd like is if the guy was like my grandpa Pavlick when he met my grandma. She was on the porch of her house, repainting a chair, and he took one look at her and said "I'm going to marry you."

She replied, "Oh no you're not."

But he kept wooing and courting her (now adays I guess some morons would call it stalking) until she finally agreed.

My dad proposed to my mom 7 times until she agreed to marry him.

I mean, I'm still going to continuously say no if he's younger then me, a sport's nut, or any of those things I listed in RDB. And if he can't at least tollerate if not love the exact same kind of music as me. (No way in Hell am I ever going to date someone into rap or heavy metal or country. Period. End of discussion.) But other then that, I really want a guy who won't give up until he's absolutely sure I'm not going to say anything other then no.

 

[Ethical Edward]

Right now, I look upon and empty seat and sneer...I may even put a potted plant there to futher discourage any possible sitters...

I put a NY Giants throw pillow in my empty seat. Id rather have Christy Hemme sitting there with her magnificent legs crossed!

 

[Mephistopheles]

Same as Myriads, the chair is empty.

I'm a bit of a loner I guess.