Family issue to share

[QBWeaver]

Awhile back I posted how excited I was about my brother and sister-in-law adopting a 9 year old boy. They already have an 11 year old son. I really enjoyed meeting my new nephew and he seemed to blend into this crazy silly family of ours so well.

Last night I got a call from my brother. Things have not been going well at all. The young man has serious problems that were never told to my brother and his family. The young man is defiant, violent, and expecially verbally abusive to my sister-in-law. It's been about 3 months now and as hard as it is they have decided that they are not going through with the adoption.

On one hand they are terribly broken hearted, we all are. They have more than enough love to share and everything seemed so perfect with this. They have tried and tried so hard knowing full well that this young man came from a very rough background and they were very willing to help him. However, the young man wasn't willing to help himself. They know he's hurting inside but there's no way to get through.

On the other hand they are frustrated and upset with the social workers and the school who did not advise my brother about all the issues this child has. The problems were actually hidden and were not brought to their attention even though my brother specifically asked about potential problems. So they were lied to.

So probably tomorrow the young man will go back to his foster family and the search will begin again for a home for him. My brother and his family will take time to mend and will decide if they want to proceed with another adoption. They've lost faith in the system that has put them in serious harm's way.

I'm so sad for the young man. I know he needs a break sometime in life. I really wish it had worked out because our family has so much love to share and we can work through anything together.

But I'm also so thankful and proud of my brother and his family for doing all they did to make it work and finally accepting that this just wasn't going to be. They just put it in God's hands and asked his guidance.

Now that I've typed all this I feel kinda silly sharing this with you all. Yet I also feel comfortable sharing this with you. It's yet another of life's lessons learned. It hurts me so much to hear my brother cry but the tears help to heal the heart. This decision is definitely the best decision for the family as a whole. It's actually brought the family even closer together.

So if you would, please offer a prayer for this young man that he can find some peace in his heart and grow beyond the issues his birth parents laid on him. And please offer a prayer for my brother and his family that they can grow in acceptance of this situation.

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

🙁 Jan, I do recall you telling us about the little boy around Christmas time.

I hate to hear this, the adoption agency had to have known. I am sure that your brother and his wife are heartbroken over this, my heart goes out to this child.

You can count on me for prayers for your family and for this child. I pray that they can find him some help along the way. I wonder if had been abused at some point in his life, or his birth mother a drug addict?😕
I will add them to my prayers, please keep us posted. I pray that your brother and his wife find another child and all will be right with this one. Thanks for letting us know.
With love and prayers.
Tracy

 

[QBWeaver]

Thanks Tracy,

I don't know if he had been abused in the past. Since the social workers kept so much information secret only they know for sure. I do know his birth mother is a drug addict as well as his birth dad. And his two older brothers are also into drugs and live up in the mountains in upper Northern California. About the only other thing I know is that both his birth parents have lost their parental rights due to "stuff" in the past. This young man has quite a rough road ahead of him.

And thank you for the prayers. My brother, his wife and their son are all grieving right now. They'll take some time to heal but this whole situation has brought the three of them closer together.

 

[njjen3953]

It really saddens me to hear stories like this.

What I would like to know is what the social workers and school plan to do to get this child rehabilitated. Apparently nothing. It's like they are just trying to get him off their own backs. This is infuriating to me. He is still a child and there is hope for him with the right "PROFESSIONAL" resources. A loving family like your's Jan, is the icing on the cake.

I hope they do decide to try again with another child. If worse comes to worse, they can always adopt me. 😀

 

[TicklingDuo]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Jan. All will be in my prayers. Such a sad situation.

I remember a family that lived by us going through a very similar episode when I was in high school. As with your brother, they were lied to and never given the information that they needed. Since the wife had a background in counselling, she decided to give it time and work with him. As time passed, they found out all sorts of stuff about his background. Each bit of information helped them to help him. But, the struggle went on.

The reason they were never told was that the agency was afraid to scare them off. They didn't trust that anyone would be willing to face the struggles. The boy, Scott, was in all sorts of trouble at school and in the neighborhood for quite a while. He even ended up doing 6 mo. in the local jail at one point. Fortunately, he came to look at things (with help) while in jail. A lot of healing took place in that 6 months...and after he got out.

He's now working as a youth cousellor and child advocate...helping others who face many of the same struggles he did. He turned down a position with the county because of their past screw-ups in his own case. Instead, he works independantly on a contract basis for kids/families in difficult situations. He's even gotten married and adopted 2 kids of his own.

It's sad that the system is so messed up. But, I pray that this young man will end up finding healing and strenght as Scott did.

Ann

 

[qjakal]

Sorry indeed...

I can't even imagine the emotional wrenching that a process such as the one you describe must put all parties through...truly horrific. I'm assuming that they did exhaustive physical medical testing to rule out any issues that could be causing this type of manic behavior? My condolences to all involved.... Q

 

[QBWeaver]

Thanks everyone for your emails and your responses.

Q - I don't know what kind of testing was done prior to my brother trying to adopt him. Based on all that's been recently discovered I can only guess. I do know that they've been going to therapy three times a week throughout this process. Some of it at home and some at an office.

I feel so down about all this. My hopes were so high that we could provide him with a loving family and that he would finally find out what a true family environment was all about.

I'm just thankful all this came to light before anyone was seriously hurt by this child.

 

[kwildoctr]

Now that I've typed all this I feel kinda silly sharing this with you all.

Silly? After all the times you've "Mama Jan-ed" other peoples problems, it seems more than reasonable for us to "Mama" you, dear friend. And of course I/we (lite & I) will pray for you & them. If you need anything, you know where we are & how to get in touch with us.

R

 

[JoBelle]

Jan,
To echo Kwil's sentiment, you have Mama-Jan'ed many of us and it's rare that you ever type a word without a smile in your last line.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There's nothing worse in this world than losing a child,....and there are many ways that can happen. I'm sure there is grief, anger, and let's hope still a glimmer of hope in the family's home. Let's also hope that during his short time with them, this young boy caught a shimmer of things that he may want....something to encourage him to be a healthier part of the next home he finds himself in. Funny how things work...but they do tend to do so ion spite of our worries at times.

You will all be in my thoughts,
Jo

 

[peaches77]

🙁 this is so sad for all involved! I am so sorry to hear this, I will put you all in my prayers. Sad to know that they were not told before hand.🙂

 

[P50]

This has been the most educational thread that I have ever seen in the seven months I have been registered on the TMF.

 

[ticklemebreezy]

Q...please know that he will have a space in our prayers over here. God is the one that is holding him in his hands now. He will be the one to protect him and God will be the one to find the perfect home for this child and the right child will come along for your family.

 

[amk714]

Hey Jan, sorry to hear the adoption fell through. I hope the boy is helped before he does some real damage to himself and/or others. 🙁

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Hey Jan, sorry to hear the adoption fell through. I hope the boy is helped before he does some real damage to himself and/or others. 🙁

Yes, I agree with Alex. My heart goes out to your family for I know that they are heart broken over this! I pray that they will find another child to fill their home with love.

I also pray that they find the help that this child needs before her harms himself or someone else. Please keep us posted Jan, thanks!
My prayers are with all of you!
🙂

 

[QBWeaver]

Thanks Everyone for your warm wishes and prayers.

Last night was very difficult for my brother and his family. The social workers came over and helped pack up all his belongings and he was returned to foster care to the couple who had him previously. They don't have any other children and they live on a ranch so he doesn't have an opportunity to harm any other children, I just hope he isn't harming any of the animals.

There were lots of tears last night from our family and hardly any from this lost young man. I know he's hurting so much inside. The harm that was done to him by his birth parents will take a long time to heal. I truly hope and pray that he can learn from this experience and grow from it.

This is not going to stop the search for another child to join the Weavers. They'll take some time to grieve and then they'll pursue another adoption. They still want to adopt an older child (7-10 years old) And there are SO many children who need a family who are in that age range.

They have issued the proper documents to file formal grievances and thus get different social workers assigned as they pursue another adoption. I don't know if that will really help but we're keeping our fingers crossed.

I'm just so proud of them and how they've handled all this. My nephew, who is 11, has shown maturity and wisdom well beyond his years throughtout this process. He said that this has not ruined his hope for a different child to be adopted but he needs "some quiet time" to get over it.

Thanks again everyone for you emails and your good wishes and prayers. It's definitely helped us get through.

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

My heart breaks as I read this🙁 Did you get the card that I sent you? I hope that you did, I just wanted to let you know that I care, and that I am very sorry to hear about this!

I'm sure that the Weavers will find their Angel🙂 My prayers go to them, I know today was a tough day for all!

My prayers go to the little boy who has problems, I pray that he will not get lost in the cracks of the system!🙂

Please keep us updated Jan, thanks!🙂