Kinda hard to go wrong with a movie that features Grizzly Adams as a down-on-his-luck, chain-smoking former detective turned dept. store Santa uncovering the cryptic Nazi/elf conspiracy to create a master-race of hybrid elf-humans! Think The Boys From Brazil on crystal-meth and we're off and running.
I don't want to give away all the surprises, but this thing is chock-fulla Holiday cheer! Some favorite moments: Wheelchair-confined Grandpa slapping the bejesus outta (37ish looking)teen protagonist Kirsten(Austin). Lil' brother spying on her showering. "I'm your fucking sister!" Willy(lil' bro),"Yeah? Well, you've got big fucking tits and I'm gonna tell everybody I saw you naked!"
More moments: Any scene with the evil Mom(Diane Lund). She shines as a hateful bitch. We are even treated to some swell tit-shots! She kills Kirsten's cat by drowning the thing in the toilet! Then later, an "elf" smears the carcass across Kirsten's window(!!!).
More moments: Dept. store Santa feels-up Kirsten, whispers "Oral" in her ear. She slaps him, and he is reprimanded. Goes in back-room to snort coke, only to get nut-stabbed-to-death by a jealous elf. See, the elves have been promised Kirsten who's Grandpa is also her Father. Yep, he scewed his own daughter to bring the perfect Aryan mate for the elves(Kirsten). "When there is no more room in Hell, the elves will walk the Earth". Yep, they actually use this line at one point in the movie!
Even more hilarity: Kirsten and friends are planning to rendezvous with some boys in the dept. store after hours(Dan's there too because he has nowhere else to go). Girlfriend to Kirsten: "Life is long and life is hard, but Kevin's is thick and Dave's is a yard".
In one particularly inspired scene, Dan passes a stuffed grizzly in the darkened dept. store and admires. In another mind-boggler later, elf breaks into morgue and feasts on fingers of Kirsten's now dead friend! Another brain-fryer has Dan visiting a kooky professer-type on Christmas-Eve to find out more about the legend of the Nazi-elf connection. The guy that plays the Prof. can't even keep in accent! Another funny scene has Dan barging in on another prof. who's trying to celebrate Christmas dinner with his family. Dan takes a flight of stairs and is totally winded, presumably from the chain-smoking, though I doubt this was a case of inspired method-acting.
Favorite line--
Willy:"What's wrong? Are we gonna be alright?"
Kirsten: "No, Willy. Gramps is a Nazi."
Much like Scrooge or The Grinch, this movie was the catalyst for some serious Seasonal mirth, and I think I'm finally "In the Spirit"!
