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Friday night nyuks (1-10-20).

Low_Roads

1st Level White Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
9,000
Points
48
A waitress will never be happy when she sees cattle at her table. She knows how much they hate tipping.

* * *​

My wife, a plant fancier, attended the World Bonsai Convention. She went there to exchange pleasant trees.

* * *​

"Officer, why are you giving me a ticket?"

"Because you flew right through that intersection."

"But the light was with me!"

"That doesn't matter. You still can't take an airplane on city streets."

* * *​

I don't bother with condoms... in my opinion, properly employed prayer can prevent pregnancy. Some may be confused about this, but I think it's pretty easy to conceivable.

* * *​

A tomato is technically a fruit. That makes ketchup technically a smoothie.

* * *​

A green-skinned Martian saunters into a bar and orders a beer.

"Sure... " the bartender says, slack jawed. "Uh... that'll be ten bucks."

The Mars man sits quietly sipping his brew; the barkeep just can't get over the novelty of his visitor.

"Gotta tell ya, " he says at last, "I've never seen a Martian before."

"Yeah," the Martian replies sourly. "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

* * *​

There's a lot of disbelief concerning Jeffrey Epstein's suicide. Even Trump thinks it's fake noose.

* * *​

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Door mom."

"Door mom who?"

"Door mom who, I've come to bargain."

* * *​

A woman was accused of cutting off her boyfriend's nuts when she caught him cheating. He was a principal witness at her trial; people in the gallery sat horrified at his teste moany.

* * *​

After my last suicide attempt, my family told me I should get help. Well, talk is cheap... not a single one of them would show me how to tie a proper noose.

* * *​

Vlad Dracula, the Romanian prince, was said to have a ruddy complexion. The same could not be said for his half-pint brother, Vlad the Imp. I understand he was a little paler.

* * *​

Last week I got some kind of fever. It was very basic; my cat made it from scratch.

* * *​

Wisconsin lunatic Ed Gein was infamous for digging up corpses and using bits of them to decorate his home. Most of the bodies he brought home were females, but remains hanging from the top of one of his window frames proved to be those of men. By checking cemetery records, authorities were able to determine their names: Curt 'n' Rod.

* * *​

"These screwed-up school kids and their guns! Don't they know it's impossible cure a depression through violence?"

"Yeah? Try telling that to the US after WW II."

* * *​

When jalapenos first sprout, you'll frequently see the young plants shivering. That's perfectly normal; each one is just a little chili.

* * *​

I try to live by the old proverb "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". But last week I ran out and had to use rocks instead.

* * *​

Men and dogs may be best friends, but there are considerable differences. For instance, when a man gets up in the morning, he gets completely dressed; a dog, just pants.

* * *​

I recently learned about this kids' bedtime story in which a young boy learns to communicate with vegetables. Sounds pretty progressive; the title is "Jack and the Beans Talk."

* * *​

My young daughter's name sounded a lot like "Siri"; every time I addressed her, somebody's iPhone would answer. Fortunately, I soon wised up and changed her name to Alexa,

* * *​

Hear about the nervous arborist? He specializes in sweaty palms.

* * *​

I'm not worried in the least about Global Warning. If things get too bad, we can always correct it with Nuclear Winter.

* * *​

Wife: "You've got to do something about my husband, doctor! For the past two years, he's been convinced he's a dog."

Psychiatrist: "I'm sure I can help. Just have him lie down on this couch."

Patient: "Sorry. He's not allowed on the furniture."
 
Last edited:
LOL 😛
Great collection, as usual. 😀
My favorite is historical this week:
"These screwed-up school kids and their guns! Don't they know it's impossible cure a depression through violence?"

"Yeah? Try telling that to the US after WW II."
 
Right you are, Milagros! War is enough fun to cure any depression! Thanks so much for your favorites choice this week!
 
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