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Friday night nyuks (1-17-20).

Low_Roads

1st Level White Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
9,000
Points
48
Q: What makes the ship's cat most happy?

A: Shore leave at the Canary Islands.

* * *​

My name is Dr. Moreau. In my remote island laboratory, I used my DNA to alter lower creatures into human-animal hybrids. My colleagues call me a monster, but that doesn't stop me from feeling pride in my work... for the most part. To be honest, I'm rather ashamed of moose-self.

* * *​

Doctor: "How are your hemorrhoids doing today, Mr. Johnson?"

Patient: "They just swell!"

* * *​

I have male performance issues. No one in the theater likes my portrayal of Hamlet.

* * *​

Not many fans know this, but the story for George Lucas's epic space fantasy was actually swiped from a 19th century Russian novel. But then, even most scholars have never heard of "Tsar Wars".

* * *​

My wife has accused me of abusing drugs. That's ridiculous! I love drugs!

* * *​

Q: "Where does a soda jerk learn his trade?

A: In Sundae School.

* * *​

I bought four haunches of venison meat off a local hunter for $40.00. Is that too dear?

* * *​

Sweet dreams: you hug your teddy bear before drifting off to sleep.

Nightmare: your teddy bear hugs you back.

* * *​

My wife has a good nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.

* * *​

Werewolf Larry Talbot found himself to be irritable, subject to mood swings and prone to bouts of violent rage. Small wonder; it was that time of the month.

* * *​

When I was a kid, I could buy 100 gumballs for a dime! Really though, I only wanted 10 percent.

* * *​

A penis and a rooster share a common nickname.That's understandable; they're both up before dawn.

* * *​

My wife always serves my dinner cold. Yep, she really puts her heart into it!

* * *​

Before his company became big, Orville Redenbacher was accused of bribing government officials for business considerations. It was a prime example of corny capitalism.

* * *​

If your pooch starts running a temperature, you should immediately apply a mustard plaster. There's nothing better than mustard on a hot dog!

* * *​

Bono's wife: "I'll think about you every day when you're out on tour!"

Bono: "I'll think about U2."

* * *​

All great white sharks have pinkish tissue in their mouths, right between their teeth. It's technically known as "slow swimmers".

* * *​

A blonde will laugh at a joke three times: (a) when the joke is first told; (b) after it's explained to her; and (c) a week later, once she gets the punchline.

* * *​

Not all chemical ingredients are ferocious enough to get stains out of clothing... only those made by Procter and Gamble. They're fit to be Tide.

* * *​

It shouldn't surprise anyone that Dwayne Johnson can't read the New York Times. We all know that paper beats Rock.

* * *​

"So... I hear you had sex with my girlfriend."

"Hey, man, you got the wrong person."

"You saying you didn't sleep with her?"

"What I'm saying is you need a different girlfriend."
 
LOL 😛
Great collection, as usual.
My favorite (as a fast swimmer) is:
All great white sharks have pinkish tissue in their mouths, right between their teeth. It's technically known as "slow swimmers".
 
I haven’t been in the water for so long I don’t know anymore if I’m fast or slow. Probably a little pokey nowadays; just call me fish food! As loser to winner, let me just say congratulations, Milagros! Oh, and thanks for your favorites choice!
 
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