Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
I strongly believe that my wife isn't living... that she's in reality a ghost. It's something I've suspected for a long time, ever since she first walked through my front door.
She: "Medicine is so litigation conscious these days! Like every time I go in for a shot, the doctor has to ask if I have a latex allergy."
He: "Latex allergy? What does that mean?"
She: "Like you'd get a swelling if you use something made of latex."
He: "Oh. I must have a reverse allergy, then. Every time I have a swelling, I use something made of latex."
A lot of people are convinced that extraterrestrials have visited the planet Earth. Personally, I don't know why anyone would make travel plans to a world that only got one star.
Tremors have been detected in the location of the Titanic sinking, but seismic activity was quickly ruled out; seems that the ship was simply a nervous wreck.
I just got ripped off by a Russian hacker! Someday I hope he's caught and sent to Cyberia!
"How long can you leave chicken in the freezer?"
"Experts say it stays safe indefinitely."
"Well that's a lie! The ones I put in there last night are already dead!"
I've eaten many foreign dishes in my life and find them to be more elegant than the ones found in the US. We use way too many plastic and paper plates here.
Succubus: an alluring demon that sucks the soul out of a man. The term became obsolete when the word "wife" was invented.
I eat a strictly vegetarian diet. Lamb chops, roast beef, rabbit pie... if it's a vegetarian, I'll eat it.
Q: How did Bruce Lee stay fit on the set of "The Green Hornet"?
A: By practicing the Kato diet.
I have an entirely clean conscience. Never been used.
Swim coach: "You need to quit screwing around and get into the effin' water!"
Swimmer: "Don't be ridiculous, coach. There's no F in 'water'."
"My first two wives were epicures. In fact, each of them died from eating poisoned mushrooms. Not my third wife... she passed away from blunt trauma."
"What's blunt trauma?"
"It's what happens when you won't eat the poisoned mushrooms."
It's tough to be a plumber in Demark. Too many clogs.
I was born in a incredibly sorry state. I'm not ever sure how the people of Illinois found out about it.
Air traveler: "I'd like a round trip ticket, please."
Ticket agent: "Yes, sir. Where to?"
Air traveler: "Here, of course!"
Q: What do Alec Baldwin and a poster of Alec Baldwin have in common?
A: They're both currently under attack.
Q: Why don't they name volcanoes after women?
A: Volcanoes don't fake eruptions.
I heard about this new novel in which Pavlov's dog teams up with Schrodinger's cat to solve crimes. When I asked the book store owner about it, she told me it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was in or not.
She: "What a weird night! I dreamed I was the first woman to land on the moon!"
He: "Yeah, I had a strange one too. In it, I was forced to have wild, animal sex with two women. One of them was your sister."
She: "Was I the other one?"
He: "How could you be? You were on the moon."
These damn COVID masks don't do shit! One wipe and they're completely ruined!
Alec Baldwin tried to distract from his professional troubles by making a political statement, but he fumbled it badly. It's been reported that he ended a news conference with "Let's go Brandon Lee!"
* * *
She: "Medicine is so litigation conscious these days! Like every time I go in for a shot, the doctor has to ask if I have a latex allergy."
He: "Latex allergy? What does that mean?"
She: "Like you'd get a swelling if you use something made of latex."
He: "Oh. I must have a reverse allergy, then. Every time I have a swelling, I use something made of latex."
* * *
A lot of people are convinced that extraterrestrials have visited the planet Earth. Personally, I don't know why anyone would make travel plans to a world that only got one star.
* * *
Tremors have been detected in the location of the Titanic sinking, but seismic activity was quickly ruled out; seems that the ship was simply a nervous wreck.
* * *
I just got ripped off by a Russian hacker! Someday I hope he's caught and sent to Cyberia!
* * *
"How long can you leave chicken in the freezer?"
"Experts say it stays safe indefinitely."
"Well that's a lie! The ones I put in there last night are already dead!"
* * *
I've eaten many foreign dishes in my life and find them to be more elegant than the ones found in the US. We use way too many plastic and paper plates here.
* * *
Succubus: an alluring demon that sucks the soul out of a man. The term became obsolete when the word "wife" was invented.
* * *
I eat a strictly vegetarian diet. Lamb chops, roast beef, rabbit pie... if it's a vegetarian, I'll eat it.
* * *
Q: How did Bruce Lee stay fit on the set of "The Green Hornet"?
A: By practicing the Kato diet.
* * *
I have an entirely clean conscience. Never been used.
* * *
Swim coach: "You need to quit screwing around and get into the effin' water!"
Swimmer: "Don't be ridiculous, coach. There's no F in 'water'."
* * *
"My first two wives were epicures. In fact, each of them died from eating poisoned mushrooms. Not my third wife... she passed away from blunt trauma."
"What's blunt trauma?"
"It's what happens when you won't eat the poisoned mushrooms."
* * *
It's tough to be a plumber in Demark. Too many clogs.
* * *
I was born in a incredibly sorry state. I'm not ever sure how the people of Illinois found out about it.
* * *
Air traveler: "I'd like a round trip ticket, please."
Ticket agent: "Yes, sir. Where to?"
Air traveler: "Here, of course!"
* * *
Q: What do Alec Baldwin and a poster of Alec Baldwin have in common?
A: They're both currently under attack.
* * *
Q: Why don't they name volcanoes after women?
A: Volcanoes don't fake eruptions.
* * *
I heard about this new novel in which Pavlov's dog teams up with Schrodinger's cat to solve crimes. When I asked the book store owner about it, she told me it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was in or not.
* * *
She: "What a weird night! I dreamed I was the first woman to land on the moon!"
He: "Yeah, I had a strange one too. In it, I was forced to have wild, animal sex with two women. One of them was your sister."
She: "Was I the other one?"
He: "How could you be? You were on the moon."
* * *
These damn COVID masks don't do shit! One wipe and they're completely ruined!
* * *
Alec Baldwin tried to distract from his professional troubles by making a political statement, but he fumbled it badly. It's been reported that he ended a news conference with "Let's go Brandon Lee!"
