Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,923
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Recently, I cut the pockets out of all my jeans. I’ve been feeling a little cocky.
A comparison of Science, Philosophy and Religion:
Science: Searching for a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy: Searching for a black cat in a dark room, but there is no cat.
Religion: Searching for a black cat in a dark room, but there is no cat. However, some guy keeps yelling that he found it.
I want a DVD my wife and me can enjoy with the kids, so I thought I’d pick up “Flowers in the Attic”. I hear it’s family friendly.
An old man on his death bed looks up at his faithful, ever-attendant wife.
“Marta,” he feebly intones, “when my poor papa passed away, there you were, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann,” she replies.
“And when the Nazis marched into our town square, there you were, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann.”
“And then, when the shop burned down and we lost everything... there you were, right by my side.”
“All this is true, Johann.”
“And now, in my final moments... here you are, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann,” she demurely murmurs.
“Marta,” he whispers in a cracking voice, “I’m starting to think you are bad luck.”
A man who believes he has all of he power in a relationship should consider this: power comes from the socket, not the plug.
My mother-in-law’s been with us for a week and I thought it might be nice to take her out. Unfortunately, I’ve had trouble finding ammo for my sniper rifle.
Tortoise and hare race in the Olympics. Hare loses, learns his lesson: slow and steady wins the race. So... who wins next Olympics?
Still tortoise. Hares only live three years.
When people ask me how much my ride costs, I tell ‘em: $300,00! Well... that is the price of your average city bus.
Livestock researchers have scheduled a press conference; rumors are that they’ve figured out a way to recycle the meat from baby cows. Should be a big reveal.
Customer: “Gimme a pack of condoms, please.”
Pharmacist: “Certainly, sir. Would you like a bag?”
Customer: “Not this time! She’s a real looker!”
If you want to get anywhere in this world, you have to make sacrifices. So... anyone out there sell live chickens?
The disabled poor prefer to live in Mississippi. That’s because they get double the SSI.
Don’t blame the holidays. You were fat in August too.
The first French fries didn’t come from France. They were actually cooked in Greece.
Alcohol prevented me from being an attorney. I just couldn’t pass the bar.
Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank; but give a man a bank and he can rob a whole town.
He: “Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind... it’s too long.”
She: “Wanna hear a joke about my vaj? Never mind... you won’t get it.”
Jim Henson’s funeral deeply affected Kermit. He was strangely silent throughout and seemed empty.
I’ve been speaking Italian all afternoon. My hands are killing me.
One fine Christmas Eve, a homeowner sees Santa glide to a landing atop his roof.
“Hey Santa,” the man calls out, “I’ve always wondered... how much does that fancy sleigh cost?”
“Not a thing!” Santa jovially replies. “It’s on the house!”
I’ve always been an advocate for gender equality in pay. I think Oprah and I should be making exactly the same money.
Adolf Hitler was always consumed with a passion for the occult. Before he came to power, he went to consult a psychic.
Hitler: “Tell me... will I become Chancellor of Germany?”
Psychic: “Yes. You will become chancellor on January the 30th, 1933.”
Hitler: “Amazing! And upon what day am I going to die?”
Psychic: “Here, I cannot be so precise. But it will be on a Jewish holiday.”
Hitler: “But which Jewish holiday?”
Psychic: “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”[/FONT]
* * *
A comparison of Science, Philosophy and Religion:
Science: Searching for a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy: Searching for a black cat in a dark room, but there is no cat.
Religion: Searching for a black cat in a dark room, but there is no cat. However, some guy keeps yelling that he found it.
* * *
I want a DVD my wife and me can enjoy with the kids, so I thought I’d pick up “Flowers in the Attic”. I hear it’s family friendly.
* * *
An old man on his death bed looks up at his faithful, ever-attendant wife.
“Marta,” he feebly intones, “when my poor papa passed away, there you were, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann,” she replies.
“And when the Nazis marched into our town square, there you were, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann.”
“And then, when the shop burned down and we lost everything... there you were, right by my side.”
“All this is true, Johann.”
“And now, in my final moments... here you are, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann,” she demurely murmurs.
“Marta,” he whispers in a cracking voice, “I’m starting to think you are bad luck.”
* * *
A man who believes he has all of he power in a relationship should consider this: power comes from the socket, not the plug.
* * *
My mother-in-law’s been with us for a week and I thought it might be nice to take her out. Unfortunately, I’ve had trouble finding ammo for my sniper rifle.
* * *
Tortoise and hare race in the Olympics. Hare loses, learns his lesson: slow and steady wins the race. So... who wins next Olympics?
Still tortoise. Hares only live three years.
* * *
When people ask me how much my ride costs, I tell ‘em: $300,00! Well... that is the price of your average city bus.
* * *
Livestock researchers have scheduled a press conference; rumors are that they’ve figured out a way to recycle the meat from baby cows. Should be a big reveal.
* * *
Customer: “Gimme a pack of condoms, please.”
Pharmacist: “Certainly, sir. Would you like a bag?”
Customer: “Not this time! She’s a real looker!”
* * *
If you want to get anywhere in this world, you have to make sacrifices. So... anyone out there sell live chickens?
* * *
The disabled poor prefer to live in Mississippi. That’s because they get double the SSI.
* * *
Don’t blame the holidays. You were fat in August too.
* * *
The first French fries didn’t come from France. They were actually cooked in Greece.
* * *
Alcohol prevented me from being an attorney. I just couldn’t pass the bar.
* * *
Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank; but give a man a bank and he can rob a whole town.
* * *
He: “Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind... it’s too long.”
She: “Wanna hear a joke about my vaj? Never mind... you won’t get it.”
* * *
Jim Henson’s funeral deeply affected Kermit. He was strangely silent throughout and seemed empty.
* * *
I’ve been speaking Italian all afternoon. My hands are killing me.
* * *
One fine Christmas Eve, a homeowner sees Santa glide to a landing atop his roof.
“Hey Santa,” the man calls out, “I’ve always wondered... how much does that fancy sleigh cost?”
“Not a thing!” Santa jovially replies. “It’s on the house!”
* * *
I’ve always been an advocate for gender equality in pay. I think Oprah and I should be making exactly the same money.
* * *
Adolf Hitler was always consumed with a passion for the occult. Before he came to power, he went to consult a psychic.
Hitler: “Tell me... will I become Chancellor of Germany?”
Psychic: “Yes. You will become chancellor on January the 30th, 1933.”
Hitler: “Amazing! And upon what day am I going to die?”
Psychic: “Here, I cannot be so precise. But it will be on a Jewish holiday.”
Hitler: “But which Jewish holiday?”
Psychic: “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”[/FONT]
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