Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Don't shop at any business run by poor people. They hate being patronized.
Wasp stings are no joke. My dad got stung by a wasp last year and he nearly died. You should have seen him: wheezing, staggering, his face swollen and bruised. That damn thing might have stung him a second time if I hadn't hit it with a shovel.
"These are trying time. Don't you agree?"
"No. I really haven't been trying all that hard."
I buy plenty of extra bamboo plants for my pet panda bears to eat. It's wise to keep them in stalk.
A giant panda enters a bar with a bag of peanuts, seats himself in front of the TV and gobbles them down as a Bears/Packers game gets underway. He's obviously a Bears fan, bellowing with delight each time they score. But eventually his team loses. Annoyed, he yanks out a pistol and blows away the screen. Then he ambles into the night.
"That certainly was unexpected," drawls one of the patrons.
"Not really," responds the bartender, pulling out a dictionary. "Look what it says here. 'Giant panda: eats roots, shoots and leaves.' "
My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me. She says I should start seeing other people.
Skydiving instructor: "Remember... after you jump out of the plane, count to ten then pull the ripcord."
Novice skydiver: "Wwwwww.... wwwwhat wwwwww.... was that nnnnnn... nnnnnumber again?"
Skydiving instructor: "Two."
My brother tries his best not to find faults. All in all, he's a very lousy geologist.
"I need to come up with a different slogan for Woodsy Owl. What do you think it should be?"
"Who cares?"
"Hey, that's perfect!"
I once asked my postman why he'd take such a high-stress, low paying job. His answer: "The money doesn't matter to me. I'm just trying to help send a message."
Blonde: "I think I know the answer to this quiz question, 'Which Biblical figure is best known for holding back water?"
Brunette: "Yeah, that's an easy one: Moses."
Blonde: "Oh. I was thinking of Adam."
I just read an obituary column for the first time in my life and I must say, it's disturbing! How long has it been since people started dying in alphabetical order?
A lawyer shows up at a dinner party with a huge bullfrog on his shoulder.
"Where on earth did you get that horrible thing?" the hostess moans.
"Downtown!" beams the frog.
Passive aggression can be incredibly destructive. That's because when you pass your anger to someone else, it gains strength.
The French groundhog does things a little differently. He has to come outside and see his chateau before there's six more weeks of winter.
What's my favorite Robbin Williams movie? I can state without a doubt it's "Mrs. Fire".
Jeff Bezos is no longer CEO of Amazon. Cut down while he was in his Prime!
Get your COVID inoculation before going to Pamplona to run with the bulls. It helps with herd immunity.
Sculptor: "Do you have any objections to working nude?"
Model: "Heaven's no! I'm completely used to it!"
Sculptor: "Thank god! These pants are chaffing me something fierce!"
Brunette: "This past year I've been working for a polling organization."
Blonde: "Me too! Geez, I never knew you were a stripper!"
Q: What's the best tactic to use when playing "Legend of Zelda"?
A: Try force.
She: "Honey, you're so pensive. What's the matter?"
He: "I have a big problem."
She: "Darling, we're married now! There are no more 'I' problems, only 'we' problems!"
He: "I'm so happy to hear that! Because we just got the neighbor girl pregnant."
* * *
Wasp stings are no joke. My dad got stung by a wasp last year and he nearly died. You should have seen him: wheezing, staggering, his face swollen and bruised. That damn thing might have stung him a second time if I hadn't hit it with a shovel.
* * *
"These are trying time. Don't you agree?"
"No. I really haven't been trying all that hard."
* * *
I buy plenty of extra bamboo plants for my pet panda bears to eat. It's wise to keep them in stalk.
* * *
A giant panda enters a bar with a bag of peanuts, seats himself in front of the TV and gobbles them down as a Bears/Packers game gets underway. He's obviously a Bears fan, bellowing with delight each time they score. But eventually his team loses. Annoyed, he yanks out a pistol and blows away the screen. Then he ambles into the night.
"That certainly was unexpected," drawls one of the patrons.
"Not really," responds the bartender, pulling out a dictionary. "Look what it says here. 'Giant panda: eats roots, shoots and leaves.' "
* * *
My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me. She says I should start seeing other people.
* * *
Skydiving instructor: "Remember... after you jump out of the plane, count to ten then pull the ripcord."
Novice skydiver: "Wwwwww.... wwwwhat wwwwww.... was that nnnnnn... nnnnnumber again?"
Skydiving instructor: "Two."
* * *
My brother tries his best not to find faults. All in all, he's a very lousy geologist.
* * *
"I need to come up with a different slogan for Woodsy Owl. What do you think it should be?"
"Who cares?"
"Hey, that's perfect!"
* * *
I once asked my postman why he'd take such a high-stress, low paying job. His answer: "The money doesn't matter to me. I'm just trying to help send a message."
* * *
Blonde: "I think I know the answer to this quiz question, 'Which Biblical figure is best known for holding back water?"
Brunette: "Yeah, that's an easy one: Moses."
Blonde: "Oh. I was thinking of Adam."
* * *
I just read an obituary column for the first time in my life and I must say, it's disturbing! How long has it been since people started dying in alphabetical order?
* * *
A lawyer shows up at a dinner party with a huge bullfrog on his shoulder.
"Where on earth did you get that horrible thing?" the hostess moans.
"Downtown!" beams the frog.
* * *
Passive aggression can be incredibly destructive. That's because when you pass your anger to someone else, it gains strength.
* * *
The French groundhog does things a little differently. He has to come outside and see his chateau before there's six more weeks of winter.
* * *
What's my favorite Robbin Williams movie? I can state without a doubt it's "Mrs. Fire".
* * *
Jeff Bezos is no longer CEO of Amazon. Cut down while he was in his Prime!
* * *
Get your COVID inoculation before going to Pamplona to run with the bulls. It helps with herd immunity.
* * *
Sculptor: "Do you have any objections to working nude?"
Model: "Heaven's no! I'm completely used to it!"
Sculptor: "Thank god! These pants are chaffing me something fierce!"
* * *
Brunette: "This past year I've been working for a polling organization."
Blonde: "Me too! Geez, I never knew you were a stripper!"
* * *
Q: What's the best tactic to use when playing "Legend of Zelda"?
A: Try force.
* * *
She: "Honey, you're so pensive. What's the matter?"
He: "I have a big problem."
She: "Darling, we're married now! There are no more 'I' problems, only 'we' problems!"
He: "I'm so happy to hear that! Because we just got the neighbor girl pregnant."
