Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
Beer contains very little nutritional value. That's why you have to drink a lot of it for good health.
So my girlfriend and me have been fooling around with bondage lately. I just came home from work and asked her, "Well, do you want to be tied up?"
"Knot tonight!" she replies.
Now I don't know what to do.
Bees are avoided by all right-thinking people. That is because they are not Cees.
My brother is a dyslexic flasher. He throws his trench coat open in front of strangers to show them his spine.
Emperor Palpatine's clone army: a close-knit squadron of immoral, identical commandos who maintain order through brutal oppression and genocide! How can they live with themselves!
Don't you just hate it when porno movies try to have a plot? It takes so long to get to the sleaze! Like a few nights ago I was watching the most boring porno ever made! It was like watching taint dry!
Doctor: "Would you like me to close that wound for you?"
Mountain man: "This li'l scratch? Tain't nothin', doc. I kin sew it shut on m'own."
Doctor: "Suture self."
My girlfriend wants to become a math teacher. She says it's the best job in the whole world. Personally, I can see plusses and minuses.
Patient: "Doctor, I have this strange symptom... my eyes always burn after sex. That's not normal, is it?"
Doctor: "No, it certainly isn't!"
Patient: "Do you think it could possibly be the pepper spray?"
I went to the park to play frisbee with my dog, but it didn't work out. He's not remotely flat enough.
The funnier the comedy director tried to make his movies, the fewer laughs they got. The reason for audience silence soon became obvious: too many gags.
Doesn't it annoy you when folks insist on showing you pictures of their kids? It's so egocentric! Okay! I get it! They're missing! Deal with it!
Serving beer at a comedy club is always a mistake. It's certain to result in a brew ha-ha.
This morning I awoke with an irresistible urge to change the world! I started with my mind and went back to bed.
Don't date semi-illiterates: they bring you nothing but heartache. My last girlfriend was semi-illiterate. She was familiar with A. She knew E. She knew O. And boy did she know U! But she acted like I never existed!
People call me racist! I am not a goddam racist! When a racist sees a person, he sees only color! Not me! The only way I see people is in black and white!
Today a pretty girl rolled her eyes at me! It was entrancing... I'd never seen glass eyes up close!
My brother traveled to the African veldt with the express intent of becoming a poacher. The first day there he was pecked to death by an angry ostrich.
If you want a happy life, pay strict attention to the day/night cycle. It's sure to make your day!
I traveled to Omaha... my luggage arrived in O'ahu. I'd sue that damn airline, but I've already lost my case.
Emotional support animals were allowed on my flight; I figured my emotional support chicken would count. So how come they confiscated my KFC at the terminal?
Don't let other people ruin your day! It's your day; put in the work yourself!
* * *
So my girlfriend and me have been fooling around with bondage lately. I just came home from work and asked her, "Well, do you want to be tied up?"
"Knot tonight!" she replies.
Now I don't know what to do.
* * *
Bees are avoided by all right-thinking people. That is because they are not Cees.
* * *
My brother is a dyslexic flasher. He throws his trench coat open in front of strangers to show them his spine.
* * *
Emperor Palpatine's clone army: a close-knit squadron of immoral, identical commandos who maintain order through brutal oppression and genocide! How can they live with themselves!
* * *
Don't you just hate it when porno movies try to have a plot? It takes so long to get to the sleaze! Like a few nights ago I was watching the most boring porno ever made! It was like watching taint dry!
* * *
Doctor: "Would you like me to close that wound for you?"
Mountain man: "This li'l scratch? Tain't nothin', doc. I kin sew it shut on m'own."
Doctor: "Suture self."
* * *
My girlfriend wants to become a math teacher. She says it's the best job in the whole world. Personally, I can see plusses and minuses.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, I have this strange symptom... my eyes always burn after sex. That's not normal, is it?"
Doctor: "No, it certainly isn't!"
Patient: "Do you think it could possibly be the pepper spray?"
* * *
I went to the park to play frisbee with my dog, but it didn't work out. He's not remotely flat enough.
* * *
The funnier the comedy director tried to make his movies, the fewer laughs they got. The reason for audience silence soon became obvious: too many gags.
* * *
Doesn't it annoy you when folks insist on showing you pictures of their kids? It's so egocentric! Okay! I get it! They're missing! Deal with it!
* * *
Serving beer at a comedy club is always a mistake. It's certain to result in a brew ha-ha.
* * *
This morning I awoke with an irresistible urge to change the world! I started with my mind and went back to bed.
* * *
Don't date semi-illiterates: they bring you nothing but heartache. My last girlfriend was semi-illiterate. She was familiar with A. She knew E. She knew O. And boy did she know U! But she acted like I never existed!
* * *
People call me racist! I am not a goddam racist! When a racist sees a person, he sees only color! Not me! The only way I see people is in black and white!
* * *
Today a pretty girl rolled her eyes at me! It was entrancing... I'd never seen glass eyes up close!
* * *
My brother traveled to the African veldt with the express intent of becoming a poacher. The first day there he was pecked to death by an angry ostrich.
* * *
If you want a happy life, pay strict attention to the day/night cycle. It's sure to make your day!
* * *
I traveled to Omaha... my luggage arrived in O'ahu. I'd sue that damn airline, but I've already lost my case.
* * *
Emotional support animals were allowed on my flight; I figured my emotional support chicken would count. So how come they confiscated my KFC at the terminal?
* * *
Don't let other people ruin your day! It's your day; put in the work yourself!
