Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,935
- Points
- 48
Historically, US citizens have been resistant to the metric system. Not really a surprise that a nation dedicated to representative government should have no use for a foreign ruler.
Having sex with my wife is just like using a new garden hose... zero kinks.
Remember Dolly the sheep? Seems that all her clones have been butchered and eaten, just the same as she was. Not by the same person, mind you... it was a copycat killer.
Our yearbook just selected me as the most mysterious guy in our high school. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
She: "Sorry, Daddy. I've been a bad girl."
He: "I appreciate the effort, my child, but the preferred phrasing would be, 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned'."
My career councilor told me I'd be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but I showed him! I've currently got a best-selling line of mugs, vases and ceramic statues!
He: "I'm so sick of this marriage! I'm going out to throw myself on the train tracks!"
She: "No! Don't do it!"
He: "What do you care?"
She: "The trains aren't running today. Try the freeway instead."
Ever since I set up that henhouse, I've been real popular with the housewives, sellin' the occasional frier and loads of fresh eggs! Sure, I love the extra money, but I'm really in it for the chicks!
It's no mystery that the Vatican is in Italy... rumor has it that Jesus was also Italian. That's why the Romans nailed his hands down, just to shut him up.
When Jesus was a youngster, He wasn't sure if He was really the Messiah or not. Joseph kept referring to his nagging sister-in-law as Auntie Christ.
My wife and I have one of the most compatible married relationships in the country. I want to die and she wants to kill me.
Q: What happens if a tachyon starts traveling at sub-light speed?
A: You'll have to take it to the quantum mechanics.
My brother gets reckless when he's drunk. Stubborn, too. I warned him not to play that round of Russian Roulette. Think he listened to me? It went straight through one ear and out the other.
Mead, a drink made from fermented honey, is one of the earliest alcoholic beverages known. Those who indulged were among the first to get a buzz.
I have an effective cure for an irrational fear of spiders: move to Australia. Your fear will be perfectly rational out there.
Blonde: "Did you see that guy back there who made the U-Haul pull over? Boy, you don't often see a dancer in uniform!"
Brunette: "That wasn't a dancer, silly! It was a cop!"
Blonde: "Oh yeah? Then how come he was busting a move?"
I've had trouble remembering when my wedding anniversary is, but my wife has promised to help me. Turns out hers is on the exact same day!
Brunette: "When I want your fucking advise, I'll ask for it!"
Blonde: "Good idea! It's a topic I know a whole lot about!"
"Give and take" is a philosophy that fails on the most basic level: just because I take a shit doesn't mean I give a shit.
My uncle took part in the Normandy Invasion... thanks to him, me and my pals were never forced to speak German! PTSD made him shoot up our high school language department.
My dad had a stressful job that made him angry or depressed a good deal of the time. Even so, he never needed the help of a psychiatrist; he turned to home-improvement projects as therapy. Every weekend you would find him in the garage or basement, working out his frustrations with a coping saw.
Brunette: "If you want to succeed, it's wise to take life with a grain of salt."
Blonde: "Really? I never knew that! I've been eating salt for years and never realized how poisonous it is!"
* * *
Having sex with my wife is just like using a new garden hose... zero kinks.
* * *
Remember Dolly the sheep? Seems that all her clones have been butchered and eaten, just the same as she was. Not by the same person, mind you... it was a copycat killer.
* * *
Our yearbook just selected me as the most mysterious guy in our high school. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
* * *
She: "Sorry, Daddy. I've been a bad girl."
He: "I appreciate the effort, my child, but the preferred phrasing would be, 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned'."
* * *
My career councilor told me I'd be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but I showed him! I've currently got a best-selling line of mugs, vases and ceramic statues!
* * *
He: "I'm so sick of this marriage! I'm going out to throw myself on the train tracks!"
She: "No! Don't do it!"
He: "What do you care?"
She: "The trains aren't running today. Try the freeway instead."
* * *
Ever since I set up that henhouse, I've been real popular with the housewives, sellin' the occasional frier and loads of fresh eggs! Sure, I love the extra money, but I'm really in it for the chicks!
* * *
It's no mystery that the Vatican is in Italy... rumor has it that Jesus was also Italian. That's why the Romans nailed his hands down, just to shut him up.
* * *
When Jesus was a youngster, He wasn't sure if He was really the Messiah or not. Joseph kept referring to his nagging sister-in-law as Auntie Christ.
* * *
My wife and I have one of the most compatible married relationships in the country. I want to die and she wants to kill me.
* * *
Q: What happens if a tachyon starts traveling at sub-light speed?
A: You'll have to take it to the quantum mechanics.
* * *
My brother gets reckless when he's drunk. Stubborn, too. I warned him not to play that round of Russian Roulette. Think he listened to me? It went straight through one ear and out the other.
* * *
Mead, a drink made from fermented honey, is one of the earliest alcoholic beverages known. Those who indulged were among the first to get a buzz.
* * *
I have an effective cure for an irrational fear of spiders: move to Australia. Your fear will be perfectly rational out there.
* * *
Blonde: "Did you see that guy back there who made the U-Haul pull over? Boy, you don't often see a dancer in uniform!"
Brunette: "That wasn't a dancer, silly! It was a cop!"
Blonde: "Oh yeah? Then how come he was busting a move?"
* * *
I've had trouble remembering when my wedding anniversary is, but my wife has promised to help me. Turns out hers is on the exact same day!
* * *
Brunette: "When I want your fucking advise, I'll ask for it!"
Blonde: "Good idea! It's a topic I know a whole lot about!"
* * *
"Give and take" is a philosophy that fails on the most basic level: just because I take a shit doesn't mean I give a shit.
* * *
My uncle took part in the Normandy Invasion... thanks to him, me and my pals were never forced to speak German! PTSD made him shoot up our high school language department.
* * *
My dad had a stressful job that made him angry or depressed a good deal of the time. Even so, he never needed the help of a psychiatrist; he turned to home-improvement projects as therapy. Every weekend you would find him in the garage or basement, working out his frustrations with a coping saw.
* * *
Brunette: "If you want to succeed, it's wise to take life with a grain of salt."
Blonde: "Really? I never knew that! I've been eating salt for years and never realized how poisonous it is!"
