Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My landlord just asked me out on a date. The date is September 1st... I gotta be out by then.
Don't build schools next to train tracks. It's bad for discipline. The teacher may tell students to spit out gum, but the trains constantly reinforce "Choo! Choo! Choo! Choo!".
These are contentious times; a new survey says that three out of every four people would feel no guilt about killing someone else. Don't worry about it, though... I shot all three of my friends before then could do any harm.
Optimus Prime's standup opening: "Hi folks! I just flew in from the coast, and boy are my arms tires!"
I fired my math tutor and got a calculator instead. The issue was reliability: I needed a partner I could count on.
Tarzan the apeman went swimming with his pal Tantor the elephant. Needless to say, this gave Tantor plenty of opportunity to see him full-frontal nude.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again," the elephant sighed. "I just don't understand how you can breathe through that thing!"
A lot of people think it's wrong to be judgmental, but I say it's critical to use your judgement... otherwise, you're just mental.
The difference between golf and skydiving: if you're lousy at golf, you can always improve; if you're bad at skydiving, you'll be bad at it the rest of your life.
My brother is a light sleeper... by which I mean to say he sleeps with a light on. I, on the other hand, am a hard sleeper.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are! Numbers, can, however: 2/10.
My wife just entered surgery; I hope this isn't going to be the last time I ever see her. She never really told me how extreme her facelift is going to be.
A massive blaze has burned up thousands of acres of forest land near Athens. That city is close to the Aegean Sea, but it does firefighters no good: you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.
I've been told I have an infectious laugh. Considering the times, I guess it really was a mistake for me to take my mask off while watching a comedy.
Dentist: "Your oral surgery went fine, but I wouldn't try to talk for a couple of days."
Patient: "Thank you, doctor."
Dentist: "Don't mention it!"
A psychic goes to a psychiatrist. He's suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.
ISIS lines up thousands of Mattel dolls so that junior members can practice their torture technique. It's the best attended Barbie queue in the Middle East.
I don't understand why everyone's so down on Andrew Cuomo. In times of crisis, don't we need more hands-on politicians?
A DNA study was done recently to determine which regions of the world Earth's population of frogs derive from. The results: over 50% of frogs have South American genetic material, another 20% have Chinese chromosome markers and 10% of the leftover have Indian DNA. The remaining characteristics come from the rest of the planet... Britain, Canada, Indonesia, Australia, etc... but the most surprising statistic is this: every one of the young specimens was a tad Pole.
I've completely lost control... I haven't a home anymore... there's no end in sight... no hope for escape. Yeah... it's way past time I bought a new keyboard.
Bartender: "See that man at the end of the bar? Believe or not, that's James Bond!"
Waitress: "James Bond! How thrilling!"
Bartender: "I know! I'm literally shaking right now!"
Q: Bluebirds have blue babies. Robins have red babies. What kind of bird has no babies?
A: Swallows.
The Lord bless our grandma; she's in a better place now. Her plane landed in Canada half an hour ago.
* * *
Don't build schools next to train tracks. It's bad for discipline. The teacher may tell students to spit out gum, but the trains constantly reinforce "Choo! Choo! Choo! Choo!".
* * *
These are contentious times; a new survey says that three out of every four people would feel no guilt about killing someone else. Don't worry about it, though... I shot all three of my friends before then could do any harm.
* * *
Optimus Prime's standup opening: "Hi folks! I just flew in from the coast, and boy are my arms tires!"
* * *
I fired my math tutor and got a calculator instead. The issue was reliability: I needed a partner I could count on.
* * *
Tarzan the apeman went swimming with his pal Tantor the elephant. Needless to say, this gave Tantor plenty of opportunity to see him full-frontal nude.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again," the elephant sighed. "I just don't understand how you can breathe through that thing!"
* * *
A lot of people think it's wrong to be judgmental, but I say it's critical to use your judgement... otherwise, you're just mental.
* * *
The difference between golf and skydiving: if you're lousy at golf, you can always improve; if you're bad at skydiving, you'll be bad at it the rest of your life.
* * *
My brother is a light sleeper... by which I mean to say he sleeps with a light on. I, on the other hand, am a hard sleeper.
* * *
Words can't describe how beautiful you are! Numbers, can, however: 2/10.
* * *
My wife just entered surgery; I hope this isn't going to be the last time I ever see her. She never really told me how extreme her facelift is going to be.
* * *
A massive blaze has burned up thousands of acres of forest land near Athens. That city is close to the Aegean Sea, but it does firefighters no good: you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.
* * *
I've been told I have an infectious laugh. Considering the times, I guess it really was a mistake for me to take my mask off while watching a comedy.
* * *
Dentist: "Your oral surgery went fine, but I wouldn't try to talk for a couple of days."
Patient: "Thank you, doctor."
Dentist: "Don't mention it!"
* * *
A psychic goes to a psychiatrist. He's suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.
* * *
ISIS lines up thousands of Mattel dolls so that junior members can practice their torture technique. It's the best attended Barbie queue in the Middle East.
* * *
I don't understand why everyone's so down on Andrew Cuomo. In times of crisis, don't we need more hands-on politicians?
* * *
A DNA study was done recently to determine which regions of the world Earth's population of frogs derive from. The results: over 50% of frogs have South American genetic material, another 20% have Chinese chromosome markers and 10% of the leftover have Indian DNA. The remaining characteristics come from the rest of the planet... Britain, Canada, Indonesia, Australia, etc... but the most surprising statistic is this: every one of the young specimens was a tad Pole.
* * *
I've completely lost control... I haven't a home anymore... there's no end in sight... no hope for escape. Yeah... it's way past time I bought a new keyboard.
* * *
Bartender: "See that man at the end of the bar? Believe or not, that's James Bond!"
Waitress: "James Bond! How thrilling!"
Bartender: "I know! I'm literally shaking right now!"
* * *
Q: Bluebirds have blue babies. Robins have red babies. What kind of bird has no babies?
A: Swallows.
* * *
The Lord bless our grandma; she's in a better place now. Her plane landed in Canada half an hour ago.
