Have you ever lost?

[Leo tickles]

So after these threads by myself and Mitchell, it leads me to believe that nobody here has ever lost.

Have YOU lost somebody important to you? A girl? A guy? Your mom? Your dad? Your pet?

When I read threads about loss and have something to say, it usually comes from my experiences, and at the end, it's usually a little note of "hang in there".

I don't feel the pain of the individual, so all I can do is say I hope it gets better, which is usually why I don't even bother with support threads. It doesn't feel like I've done enough.

But people tend to bash other people who are engaged in some kind of drama.

Why?

Have you not lost before?

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Yes.

And I for whatever reason did not air very personal business about myself on a porn sharing message board.

But hey.

 

[TropicThunder]

Yes.

And I for whatever reason did not air very personal business about myself on a porn sharing message board.

But hey.

^This.

I have loved and lost, I have lost cherished people to cancer, car wrecks and other horrible things. I've faced criticism, been beaten, broken, bloodied, abused - both physically, mentally and sexually - I've been through hell and back again.

And I STILL don't bother posting my personal life on a forum that is for DISCUSSION. If you post your personal life on there, then you are opening yourself to all kind of DISCUSSION. Be it negative or positive.

If I need to vent, I go to my blog. If people care enough to take the time to read and comment, awesome. But the General Discussion is not the place for it.

 

[Backstep]

I appreciate the opportunity to think deeply, bring up my own experiences and use them as a basis to contribute to a difficult problem that someone posts about here on the TMF. But not everyone thinks that way. Some people stay away from the more serious (downer) threads or bring a more lighthearted or flippant touch to them. A few people rip into the person who asked the question.

The difficulty with Mitchell is that he has a lot of personal issues and what he wants is a sympathetic understanding and people who can relate to what he's going through. But he gets frustrated not only when he's ripped (which he sometimes is), but also when people don't understand him or can't bring some parallel experience to the table. And, of course, he begins threads asking a question to respond to, but using his own struggles as a template. Even someone that has good intentions may not respond the way he would expect them to if they threat the thread as a simple yes/no kind of question. This is why I think a subfolder labeled "Personal Support, Prayers and Needs" is a good idea.

You and he and others like you see this as a main outlet to talk about what's going on in your lives and your opinions and feelings. Others like Comfort Eagle see this as a fun place to hang out, make light chatter and maybe check out the latest Last Laugh preview or whatever. It's just what different people put into this place and get out of it.

 

[chicago]

Losing a loved one in terms of death, is one thing. But a break up when you're in you're 20's isn't really "loss" in that way and so I think some people might find the melodramatic vomit-inducing threads about such highly annoying.

I've been broken up with, lost family members and friends to all types of things, death included. I think most people have. But my first response to dealing with said loss wouldn't include creating threads on the TMF about it. Especially if I was a person that's pissed off probably every contributing member on this forum at one point or another.

 

[Snail Shell]

Yes, I have lost much in my years.

No, I don't feel the need to use those losses to beg for attention from total strangers.

Snail Shell

 

[Fire_Sprite]

I'm too introverted to ask for emotional support even in real life so I almost never post in personal or prayer request threads. The only reason I wound up in Mitchell's thread was because I had become involved in the discussion before I realized it was a personal rant thread.

 

[storm7400]

I lost my keys once, still haven't found them. Little help

 

[me4o]

Yes, I have lost much in my years.

No, I don't feel the need to use those losses to beg for attention from total strangers.

Snail Shell

Exactly. Who hasn't lost? But why share with hundreds,even thousand of people from all over the world, which you'd probably never ever see in person 🙂

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Over and over again, people are saying, "this is not the place for threads like this", and over and over, these threads are are getting posted.

You know, that's not a bad idea. A subforum for support threads. It would be like lancing a boil. I know there would be a sizeable Amen Corner of people who'd be there, just to offer shoulders to lean on. It should be vigorously moderated.

It would be a perfect venue for those who need to post such threads.

 

[Backstep]

I just sent a PM to Jeff about this idea and pasted a link to this partiucular thread. I hope it goes over well.

 

[TropicThunder]

It's not a bad idea, having a support type thread. However, it will be a target for "trolls" so it would need to be frequently moderated.

When I was younger I used to run a youth based group called Teenage Problems and Solutions that dealt with all sorts of issues. It worked out pretty well.

 

[Fire_Sprite]

Even though I avoid personal threads like the plague I have to come out against this idea. The whole point of the threads in the first place is to come to where you spend time with friends to get support or feedback there. If you have to deliberately go somewhere else to open up then it defeats the point. If they have to act like a leper to be kept from the general public then I doubt they'll even bother.

Also you say there'd be people going there just to lend support, but would they really? Anyone here who tries to be an accommodating friend in real life has no doubt run into a person who tries to constantly lay all their problems on you, and eventually you had to put a stop to it out of sheer annoyance. I'm not saying the posters would be that person, but the entire subforum would be that person; just an emotional liability that you'd inevitably start to avoid.

Then of course there's the question of what constitutes a "personal problem?" Death of a friend? Death of a pet? Lose your job? Someone robbed your house? Where do you draw the line of what's too personal to talk about and what can be generally discussed?

Also some people would inevitable bypass the subforum and go to general out of ignorance or they're just too depressed to care. And such people going through a hard time would be told "they're in the wrong place."

I think the current system works. People who want to post their problems are free to do so, people like me who don't give a shit are free to do that. If people do it too often or for pointless reasons then the users will inevitably voice their disapproval. There's been a few hiccups like this in the past few days, but I don't think it merits such drastic action.

 

[Backstep]

Yes, but some people really are looking for a serious conversation when something difficult is happening in their lives. I know Mitchell posts a lot here about his personal life and he's far too sensitive about some of the resulting comments that aren't written to get under his skin. Believe me, I totally understand anyone who'd be put off by that. But if I made that post about being unable to say someone's name out loud because of my grandmother and needed someone to hear me out? I found your dark wizard comment amusing, Fire_Sprite, but I also might have been put off if emotionally I was in a difficult place.

Would I use it to create threads? Not unless it was an ultra-serious or exciting event in my life. I've complained about my unemployment on my blog, and though no one has responded, a couple dozen people have read it, and it's enough for me to know that some people here understand me better as a result. But if it was serious enough, I might feel like I needed some real support and/or feedback.

 

[herts tickler]

Losing a loved one in terms of death, is one thing. But a break up when you're in you're 20's isn't really "loss" in that way and so I think some people might find the melodramatic vomit-inducing threads about such highly annoying.

I've been broken up with, lost family members and friends to all types of things, death included. I think most people have. But my first response to dealing with said loss wouldn't include creating threads on the TMF about it. Especially if I was a person that's pissed off probably every contributing member on this forum at one point or another.

ive been through both kinds of the "loss" being spoke about here. iv lost my mother, grandparents and a couple of friends too. thats life and thats why i dont do sympathy posts. i agree 100% with you there. ths aint the place for that.

But i did just want to say that iv also just broken up with my gf of 3 and a half years. not a huuuge ammount of time in relationship terms i know, and im only 22 but the pain im feeling at the moment is very real. trust me its a loss alright. i guess i just dont like the view that gets thrown around alot that because your young your feelings and relationships are somehow less real than those of an older person...

 

[Fire_Sprite]

I found your dark wizard comment amusing, Fire_Sprite, but I also might have been put off if emotionally I was in a difficult place. .

True, but I'd never be so candid in a deeply personal thread. The reason I said that, and the reason that thread blew up into drama in the first place, is that nobody even realized it was a rant and a personal support thread until it was too late. That thread was present way too innocuously.

Despite claims "trolls" hiding in the woodwork the overwhelming majority of support threads occur without incident.

 

[Babbles]

There's a lot of hypocrisy here unfortunately. Should be a Non-Issue.

I don't think it's up to certain individuals to decide what others can or should post about in a "general discussion" forum.

The same people who post all sorts of friendly supportive posts to their friends
become Trolls when someone they're not close to decides to post something THEY think is too "personal."

Everyone deals with loss or "drama" differently ---- Someone wants to post,

......who are YOU to tell them it doesn't belong? Just ignore it if you don't like it.

There shouldn't be a need for a depressing sub-forum of that sort --- here it SHOULD be lightened, mixed in with every "general" thread.

There shouldn't be the need to worry about trolling, which is really more pathetic than the supposed threads they're snickering at & crapping up.

Some people are looking for negative attention as much as others are looking for positive feedback ----- and the more needy trolls gravitate towards those threads since they view them as targets -----

But it really depends upon who's posting, if it's a friend of theirs they'll be supportive, if not, they'll just behave like brats looking for attention, regardless of age.

They may not post their own details, but if they're there --- or here --- just taking a swipe, they're fulfilling another and less worthy need of their own.

Just ignore what you don't like ----- If we had more grown-ups here, this would be a Non-Issue.

You also can't presume to evaluate someone else's distress and why add to it, regardless
----- we'd have a lot less teen suicides if that was easily assessed. And if more people weren't looking to take their insecurities out upon others.

*

 

[Mephistopheles]

I just lost the game, thanks to you.

goddamnit

 

[Canadian_Eh]

I don't think it's up to certain individuals to decide what others can or should post about in a "general discussion" forum.

The same people who post all sorts of friendly supportive posts to their friends
become Trolls when someone they're not close to decides to post something THEY think is too "personal."

Everyone deals with loss or "drama" differently ---- Someone wants to post,

......who are YOU to tell them it doesn't belong? Just ignore it if you don't like it.

There shouldn't be a need for a depressing sub-forum of that sort --- here it SHOULD be lightened, mixed in with every "general" thread.

There shouldn't be the need to worry about trolling, which is really more pathetic than the supposed threads they're snickering at & crapping up.

Some people are looking for negative attention as much as others are looking for positive feedback ----- and the more needy trolls gravitate towards those threads since they view them as targets -----

But it really depends upon who's posting, if it's a friend of theirs they'll be supportive, if not, they'll just behave like brats looking for attention, regardless of age.

They may not post their own details, but if they're there --- or here --- just taking a swipe, they're fulfilling another and less worthy need of their own.

Just ignore what you don't like ----- If we had more grown-ups here, this would be a Non-Issue.

You also can't presume to evaluate someone else's distress and why add to it, regardless
----- we'd have a lot less teen suicides if that was easily assessed. And if more people weren't looking to take their insecurities out upon others.

*

I swore to myself I wasn't going to get into this.. Yet, here I am.

I agree 100% with everyone here that says General Discussion is NOT the place to post something, and NOT expect people to not be critical about it.

THIS is the very reason that blogs were made on this site.

I have seen MANY MANY times, someone post in their blog about something that happened to them. When they don't get any responces, they decide to move it into General Discussion, where they KNOW they're bound to get negative attention from it..

So, I ask you.. Who's really the troll here??!

 

[Speedbump]

People on here don't bash others for discussing their personal problems. People on here bash others for the way they go about doing it.

 

[kered]

Yeah Leo, I've lost. I lost the love of my life 28 years ago, she was 24 at the time. I lost my grandmother 8 years ago, and she was 87. I lost my father 2 years ago, and he was 77. One year later I lost my aunt who was Dad's only sister, and she was 82. Now you can imagine what is is to lose the people who loved and guided me, some for over 50 years? I don't think it possible and I am not trying to belittle you by saying this. Even though you may have seen some tragic things in your short life it doesn't compare to that impact that hits you when you get the call about the death of someone very close. The first thing when you hear this is a feeling of just being stunned while the news tries to sink into your brain and you keep denying it. What comes next is the intense pit of the stomach feeling when it finally dawns on you that this person you love will never be seen or heard again. Ever.

And since you mentioned Mitchell i will say to him that the reason I don't reply or read through the threads about his mother's cancer is it is too painful for me. It brings back things I don't want to remember. And I feel it is too intimate a thing to discuss openly like he has been doing. An immediate family thing if you will. I don't condemn him since it might help him cope. We all have different ways for that. I just simply choose not to participate for my own reasons.

 

[chicago]

ive been through both kinds of the "loss" being spoke about here. iv lost my mother, grandparents and a couple of friends too. thats life and thats why i dont do sympathy posts. i agree 100% with you there. ths aint the place for that.

But i did just want to say that iv also just broken up with my gf of 3 and a half years. not a huuuge ammount of time in relationship terms i know, and im only 22 but the pain im feeling at the moment is very real. trust me its a loss alright. i guess i just dont like the view that gets thrown around alot that because your young your feelings and relationships are somehow less real than those of an older person...

I'm 23 and broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few months ago. The thing is, I realize that I'm young and I have a long, long time to find "the one". Breakups happen, people get hurt. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl underwear and get on with life. I never said it wasn't "real loss," but it's nominal in the big picture of what some people, myself included, have to deal with on a daily basis. And as you grow older, and have more relationships, sometimes you realize that while you thought you knew what love is, you really had no idea.

 

[kered]

I'm 23 and broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few months ago. The thing is, I realize that I'm young and I have a long, long time to find "the one". Breakups happen, people get hurt. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl underwear and get on with life. I never said it wasn't "real loss," but it's nominal in the big picture of what some people, myself included, have to deal with on a daily basis. And as you grow older, and have more relationships, sometimes you realize that while you thought you knew what love is, you really had no idea.

You said a mouthful there, Annie.

 

[herts tickler]

I'm 23 and broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few months ago. The thing is, I realize that I'm young and I have a long, long time to find "the one". Breakups happen, people get hurt. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl underwear and get on with life. I never said it wasn't "real loss," but it's nominal in the big picture of what some people, myself included, have to deal with on a daily basis. And as you grow older, and have more relationships, sometimes you realize that while you thought you knew what love is, you really had no idea.

yeh well i guess its just still all a it fresh, hope i didnt come across as blunt. i hope your wrong about me having no idea what love is because i got told the same thingwhen i was 18 before i met my last gf and it proved to be right. problem being if the next one is even more intense i think my head might fall off. and its not like i dont hae other problems aswell, (you do get those when your 22) wouldnt wana go and contradict myself by posting them here though. its just obviously taking up a bit of my attention at the mo.
anyway your right big girls pants time for me

 

[chicago]

yeh well i guess its just still all a it fresh, hope i didnt come across as blunt. i hope your wrong about me having no idea what love is because i got told the same thingwhen i was 18 before i met my last gf and it proved to be right. problem being if the next one is even more intense i think my head might fall off. and its not like i dont hae other problems aswell, (you do get those when your 22) wouldnt wana go and contradict myself by posting them here though. its just obviously taking up a bit of my attention at the mo.
anyway your right big girls pants time for me

Meh, I was really just speaking for myself, honestly. Everyone experiences things differently. The important thing to remember is that the pain is temporary.