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How Blonde Was She?.......
- Thread starter venray
- Start date
sole seeker
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Recycled:
A week after their marriage, the blonde and her husband paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the husband's testicles are blue.The doctor turns to the blonde. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
She said, "grape."
A week after their marriage, the blonde and her husband paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the husband's testicles are blue.The doctor turns to the blonde. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
She said, "grape."
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
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- Jan 13, 2006
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isabeau said:o very funny not... gesh people..quit picking on us sweet blondes.
isabeau 😛
Don't these dumb brunettes know that blonds are for tickling, not picking on?!
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my blonde coworkers came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my blonde coworkers came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
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unclebill said:What do you get if Melanie and another blonde get stuck in a freezer??? Why frosted flakes, of course..
*twaps Uncle Bill with a dead fish*
Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. On this particular day they caught over 50 fish. The first blonde turned to her friend and said, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the first blonde said, "You did you mark the spot, right?"
Her friend replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?"
______________________________________________________________
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the first blonde said, "You did you mark the spot, right?"
Her friend replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?"
______________________________________________________________
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
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isabeau said:
It's a type of fish, Izzy.
Inventions By Blondes
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpener
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol
Reuseable ice cubes
See-through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do-it-yourself road map
Turnip ice cream
Toe implants
An all white flag
Rolls Royce pickup truck
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpener
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol
Reuseable ice cubes
See-through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do-it-yourself road map
Turnip ice cream
Toe implants
An all white flag
Rolls Royce pickup truck
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2006
- Messages
- 1,949
- Points
- 0
Revenge Of The Blond!
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do so much better."
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do so much better."
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Blonde Deodorant
A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
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- Jan 13, 2006
- Messages
- 1,949
- Points
- 0
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2006
- Messages
- 1,949
- Points
- 0
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Top Ten Male Professions and Why
1. Doctor. Because he says, "Take off your clothes."
2. Dentist. Because he says, "Open Wide."
3. Hairdresser. Because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
4. Milkman. Because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. Interior Decorator. Because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. Banker. Because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
7. Police Officer. Because he says, "Spread 'em."
8. Mailman. Because he always delivers his package.
9. Pilot. Because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. Hunter. Because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Top Ten Male Professions and Why
1. Doctor. Because he says, "Take off your clothes."
2. Dentist. Because he says, "Open Wide."
3. Hairdresser. Because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
4. Milkman. Because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. Interior Decorator. Because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. Banker. Because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
7. Police Officer. Because he says, "Spread 'em."
8. Mailman. Because he always delivers his package.
9. Pilot. Because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. Hunter. Because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
Blonde Newleywed's Diary
Dear Diary,
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new house. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well... I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But... Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So... I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week, and I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for a salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Well... I hunted all over the garden by my Mom's, and I tossed my salad into the lettuce bed, and stood over there one hour (so the dog would not take it). Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Well... beat it I did, right over to my Mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don 't know how chickens dress for Sunday, 'cause I never noticed back on the farm. But I found a doll dress and some cute little shoes. I thought the chicken looked really lovely. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to ten.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox was hamburger. So I put it in the oven, and set the controls for roast... must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Dear Diary,
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new house. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well... I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But... Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So... I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week, and I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for a salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Well... I hunted all over the garden by my Mom's, and I tossed my salad into the lettuce bed, and stood over there one hour (so the dog would not take it). Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Well... beat it I did, right over to my Mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don 't know how chickens dress for Sunday, 'cause I never noticed back on the farm. But I found a doll dress and some cute little shoes. I thought the chicken looked really lovely. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to ten.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox was hamburger. So I put it in the oven, and set the controls for roast... must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
TicklishLurker
4th Level Red Feather
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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess that I have been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl, once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." replied the gent.
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked his friend.
The gent replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
Q. How are men like television commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.
Q:What is the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly. and is always scratching his ass. And, the other is a chimpanzee.
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl, once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." replied the gent.
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked his friend.
The gent replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
Q. How are men like television commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.
Q:What is the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly. and is always scratching his ass. And, the other is a chimpanzee.
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck – so I started jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” I said, “Great. Tell me what you're so happy about.”
She stopped jumping, breathing heavily, when she told me that she was pregnant and there was more!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That's great! I couldn't be happier!”
I asked, “What do you mean 'more'?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit - and both tests came out positive!”
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” I said, “Great. Tell me what you're so happy about.”
She stopped jumping, breathing heavily, when she told me that she was pregnant and there was more!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That's great! I couldn't be happier!”
I asked, “What do you mean 'more'?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit - and both tests came out positive!”
