How Jealous Are You?

[Skipadeedoodah]

Okay - so to express myself properly I'm going to start by using Michael (Homer28) and I as an example. We have an amazingly trusting and laid back relationship in terms of jealousy and possessiveness. He has female friends I've never met/talked to. I have male friends he doesn't even know exist until they casually come up in conversation such as:

Me: "Oh I was talking to Steve the other day and he said blah blah blah."
Michael: "Who's Steve?"
Me: "Oh he's this guy I know from work/online/the TMF/a party."
Michael: "Oh, okay -- anyway, you were saying?"

and the same goes for him and girls. He has girl friends (not girlfriends) that I know exist, but I've never talked to, that he's close with, and if he said to me, "Lyz, I wanna go have lunch with Steph this weekend." I'd say "Okay have fun." Seriously - no jealousy whatsoever.

Now, my parents seem to think this is outrageous. My mother has actually said "My husband doesn't need any female friends - I'm his friend," and my dad feels similarly. Also, I can't count on one hand the amount of guy friends I have whose wives/fiancees/girlfriends have gotten jealous and pissy over us being friends...even when we were friends BEFORE the girl came into the picture!!

So my question - where do you stand? Are Michael and I the crazy ones?? LOL

 

[venray]

No you are not crazy. Tracy and I have the same kind of relationship as far as trust is concerned. That is one of the main reasons we have been married for the last 10 years. Each of us knowing that the other is the "one" . So we can socialize and be friends with members of the opposite sex with no drama between us....

 

[KrazieDog]

I was talking about this exact thing tonight with someone very close to me. I've always been the exact same way as you guys Lyz. If I'm close to you, trust is a bedrock we HAVE to share. Jealousy is literally one of my biggest pet peeves and I can not and will not EVER be with a jealous person. I flat out refuse to put with the lack of trust in me on someone's part that I'm supposed to be close with. I give them the same trust in return. If they want to go to girls night out after work with friends, then go have a blast. But wait, what if there are going to be guys there? That's fine too, because I assume like most workplaces its coed and you also work with guys.

I've always been the same way. I used to do movie night with my best friend after work, once a week. It was directly after work (5ish) and we may or may not grab a bite after, so we weren't even out all night. His wife (who really is a nice person) would have a problem with it every once in a while, but he'd be quick to remind her, as is my policy also, she and my girlfriend were always welcome to join us, anytime. So its not just jealousy of the opposite sex, but even of your time.

One ex gave the 3rd degree when she asked what I was doing after work one day and I mentioned, "I'm probably catching a bite with a friend Candace" who was one of my best friends for years and lived 5 blocks from me, but with work we hadn't seen each other in a year and a half. When she asked about it, I explained all that and my girlfriend was like "really... no I don't think so" in a very snotty way, to which I replied "that wasn't me asking for permission Mel". So of course that led to "the talk" where I explained pretty much what I'm telling you all here. That I trust her completely and if I didn't, I wouldn't be with her. I further explained, I have NEVER cheated on anyone and have NEVER had a one night stand. Won't do either also. It's not the way I'm wired. I respect myself and the person I'm with. Now she "needs" to understand and respect that, and if she can't, then lets save both of ourselves a lot of time.

If you trust me, you take me at a my word. If you doubt me whether about what I say, what I say "I feel", or what I tell you I know about others, then you don't trust me. It's that simple. You can sugar coat it in whatever way makes you sleep better at night, but it is what it is. If you haven't been able to trust anyone your whole life, that is not "my" trust issue, that is yours. If its something you hate about yourself and are "honestly" working on it, tell me and ask me to work with you on it. Otherwise it doesn't leave a lot of room for us to work.

So no Lyz, you and Mike are not crazy. You have a pretty great (although demented, you freaks ) relationship. I respect that trust and respect you have for each other. If you can't trust the person you are with, why do you want to be with them? If I can't trust my love and devotion to someone that I can't trust won't be making out with every person that makes them laugh, then I can't be with that person.

 

[minerva]

Not crazy at all. The way you and also KrazieDog describe how a relationship should work sounds perfect to me.
I do have to admit, that I do have some jealousy issues. Guess I'm one of those who hate that about myself and honestly work on it.

 

[TKForce]

So my question - where do you stand? Are Michael and I the crazy ones?? LOL

Crazy as heck... But not for the topic of this thread as far as I know. 😉

There nothing crazy about trust, the people who are married
to people they think they can't trust are the real crazy ones.

 

[LD_Tickler]

I'm furiously jealous. But more than any other feeling I have, I recognize it as my problem and I never let it out. I've been in situations with girlfriends where I feel burning jealousy and posessiveness, but I never act on it - never even voice the concerns because I know, rationally, I have no right (and usually no legitimate cause) to feel that way.

So girls I date have no idea 😀

 

[RUNOFFSTAGE]

I think what you and Michael have is incredibly special and not crazy at all, that is how I would want my relationships to be.

I am more jealous than is healthy for me, and than I'd like to admit. Although, I tend to hide it as much as possible, since I know it's just childish. I don't think it's all about me don't trusting the other person, it's just that I hate the feeling of being left behind or something like that. The worst thing of it all is that jealousy is both time- and mind consuming, and it really is like having that green sluggish thing inside you. I guess I'm one of those people who are working on getting rid of my jealousy.
Having said that, I would never deny my boyfriend having female friends, I don't think our relationship would last all that long otherwise ;O

Ok, nothing of that made sense but... I'm glad you two are on the same level when it comes to that. Keep on loving

 

[BellaRisa]

You've been to my house, you know how I feel about this; hell, you can come over right now and kill stuff on the Xbox 360 with Bill. No really come NOW; and anyone who helps make Adam tired gets a muffin basket

It's not just you, a lot of couples feel this way; jealousy is just too much work, we can't be bothered. Plus, jealousy is really insecurity that your partner will like someone else more, or give others what should be only for you. If you're worried about such things than you're not getting what you need from your partner and your self-esteem needs a tune-up; and luckily those can be worked on

One thing I've learned though, especially with people older than myself, is that it may not be jealousy that makes them feel their partner shouldn't have opposite sex friends; very often it's a respect issue. They were taught that it's not acceptable for their guy or girl to have friends like that, and they need to be against it in order to feel like no one's taking advantage of them or making them look weak to their family/friends/whoever might find out and judge. That's a different issue, and it can also be helped but it can take a LOT of de-programming

 

[-Hari-]

I dont tend to get jealous, it would be ridiculas if I did because I tend to keep very attractive company, im not bragging but I have many very pretty female friends that are just friends and I could easily understand how my lady could get jealous of this, So I make a point of introducing her to them and so far so good 🙂

She hangs around with guys mostly and I dont feel jealous about her spending the day with one of them..way I see it, if she felt anything more for any of them than she would have tried it ages ago instead of being single until she met me.

I like the fact that she has guy mates, it means she probably has more of an understanding of what guys are like and has people she can talk to about me who can offer her a mans oppinion so she can see things from my point of view, I do the same with my girl mates. If im struggling to understand why shes acting a certain way il just call one of them up and ask theyre opinion on stuff and things.

But when I DO get jealous.. its never a little bit, its full throttle Jealousy. I do very stupid and pathetic things when I give in to jealousy.

 

[McNoodle]

When we first started going out, my wife and I were both the jealous sort and while it was a royal pain, it also added a volatile spark to the relationship that was rather exciting.
As we aged, we also became a lot more secure within ourselves which of course made us more confident as a team and the jealousy faded away.
I think the fact Skippy and Homer don't possess a jealousy bone is fantastic and can only help them in the long term. You guys seem to make a fantastic couple! 🙂

 

[punkrockergirl]

im not a jealous person at all.. i dont understand the couples who dont want the other person to have friends of the opposite sex .. i dont get it

 

[Mister Scruff]

Horribly jealous. You have NO idea >_< If that'd been me, my response would probably have been something like, "Ah, okay. NOW STEVE MUST DIE!!" followed by some sort of Jesus-based rampage.

It's not about my SOs, it's about me and my insecurity, and as such I do try and stop it getting in the way of relationships. It can be difficult sometimes, though 🙁

 

[maniactickler]

Im not a jealous person. jealousy can be a dangerous emotion. be careful ladies.

 

[Tortuga]

Baby your not crazy.

Alchemy and I just had this conversation not too long ago. And I always make sure my bf/gf knows this before the relationship goes any further. I'm not entirely the jealous type at all. The way I see it is, they are coming to bed with me, they are coming home with me, they are going to fucking worship me later, then I'm fine! lol But along a more serious note: Being that I'm dating a TMFer, I know that there will be gatherings and get togethers that involve play time. Knowing that, I have always agreed that they should and BETTER play with whoever they want. It's not my right to say NO. We're both there to have a good time and socialize. And I would expect them to have a damn good time and socialize, because I will most definitely be doing the same. I mean a good majority of you saw me at Nest '08, it was my first gathering, and I was hopping around all over the place. Being that's how I am in real life, aside from fetish play, I expect my bf/gf to understand that. Of course there will be times when I come across a girl that happens to be in my eyes way more attractive, thinner, etc. I will probably be a tiny bit jealous of her beauty more than the fact that she's talking to my hunny.

 

[ticklee_heather]

I don't think you two are crazy at all. I think it would be a little unhealthy if people don't have friends of the opposite sex outside of their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend.

My boyfriend has never really had a problem with jealousy, he just likes to know who my guyfriends are but I'm the same way about his femal friends. I just like to know who his friends are. I trust him with other women and I will continue to trust him unless he does something that fractured that trust.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

Lyz, I think that having a trusting relationship like you and Michael have is amazing. In this day and age it is really important to have friends. One can't spend all their time with their significant other. Having such a trusting relationship is wonderful is beautiful and more power to you for the one you do have.

Your not crazy at all, it's those old people like our parents out there who are.

Anyway if you are crazy, it's only in a good way, and not because of your relationship.

 

[Mister Scruff]

Now, my parents seem to think this is outrageous. My mother has actually said "My husband doesn't need any female friends - I'm his friend," and my dad feels similarly.

See, as much of a jealous loon as I can be at times I find this a bit sad. I'd find it a bit odd if someone had no life away from me; without wanting to sound like I'm knocking your parents I think people like that are a bit... weird. Not weird in the sense of "Come and see the new corpse-sized freezer I've just bought"... more like, withdrawn and anti-social. Relationships with people like that can be a chore.

Also, I can't count on one hand the amount of guy friends I have whose wives/fiancees/girlfriends have gotten jealous and pissy over us being friends...even when we were friends BEFORE the girl came into the picture!!

I can sympathise with this to an extent, because I do this too.... I shouldn't, I know, but it's hard to be with someone and see them hanging around with someone else who they've known for longer and are closer to. Feels like a threat to the relationship, which most of the time it isn't.

Did I mention I'm insecure?... >_<

 

[tickledorange]

Jealousy is such an outdated and overrated emotion. I told my boyfriend right away when we started dating that it was him and only him I felt a certain way about, and that I had a lot of guy friends who were nothing but platonic. (Hell, most of them even have wives now. ) He's been totally cool with that.

I always crack up when other women get so jealous and insecure of their SO talking to another woman, no matter the circumstance. It just seems so stupid to me that they can let those TL;DR thoughts consume them so much that it overtakes all other emotions or feelings they have toward another person. It's just like, "Get a life, and get some real problems to worry about for once instead of these fake issues that you let rattle around senselessly inside of your head."

 

[dvnc]

Outdated? Uh, it's a basic human response, from a majority of the populace. I might not find myself experiencing it much at all, but I feel it's something one needs to respect in a partner.

If I choose a partner, and that partner's jealous, there are options:
1) I can care enough to help my partner adjust to the volume of female friends I have
- this is constant, as I have more than one female friend
2) I can consider the partner as better off with another, as I'll always have friends of both gender
- Important if the partner's not able to adjust to my screwy volume of friends

What I can't do is ignore the partner. I choose a partner hoping for a lifetime commitment, someone to back me in a barfight, clean my wounds, allow me to aid them, etc. I can't ignore their feelings on any topic that will recur throughout what I see as decades of suffering my company.

I *have* known friends who cut out others, especially as they get older, when those others attempt to interfere with their relationship. If you've friends with lovers, and you keep hitting on those friends while not keeping clear to the lover that you're NO threat, then you're hurting the friend in several ways. The friend's a dumbass for keepin' you 'round, though, hence the friends who cut such ties.

Complicated situation. I think of my lover as a friend who's intimate, thus I WANT them feeling respected and safe.

Props to ya for respecting each other's ability to keep in sexual control of yourselves. That's the most important part.

Mind ya, I'm monoamorous these days. It's way more complicated when a poly lover gets possessive that way, IMO.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I'm not jealous. I'm protective of what's Mine.

 

[FlockOfSeagulls]

I'm not jealous. I'm protective of what's Mine.

but the real question is anything ever really yours?

 

[Deleted member 66627]

but the real question is anything ever really yours?

Yes.

 

[Homer28]

First off thank you all for the complements to us and our relationship🙂


Although this isn't an issue for us, it seems to be an issue to some people around us. I guess because its there issue, they think it should be ours as well.
So many of our non TMF friends fight with there SO over jealousy but I think the underlying problem is communication.
In order to have the relationship Lyz and I have we talked extensively about people of the opposite sex and our relationships with them. We did set ground rules which were very basic (don't sleep with someone else) but we also set ground rules of situations that could be problematic. When we defined "problematic (IE unwated touching, overly aggressive, trying to get one of us to cheat)" we realized that its not really a problem because we would not want to be friends with someone like that.

I will admit the very first time Lyz brought up NEST (my pre TMF days) I said I would go with her and support her, but I really didn't want her to play. My understanding at the time was play was going to be sexual and essentially a big orgy. She respected my opinion but asked me to come on the TMF and learn more about it and then we would revisit the issue of play.
Needless to say I learned more about it and loved it. Once I understood and got to know people on here I had no problem with her playing. But this could not have been accomplished if we hadn't talked and had open communication.
Is she hadn't been open about what she wanted, and I hadn't been open about my concerns, nothing would have changed and we BOTH would have missed out on a great thing and great people.

 

[Homer28]

You've been to my house, you know how I feel about this; hell, you can come over right now and kill stuff on the Xbox 360 with Bill. No really come NOW; and anyone who helps make Adam tired gets a muffin basket

We will be there in 7 hours provided I-76 doesn't blow up again!🙂 Lyz can tire Adam out and Bill and I will kick some ass on Xbox 360!!! 🙂

PS. Bill and I get the muffins though.

 

[4Pawz]

From what yall said, you two have a very HEALTHY relationship. A relationship includes trust and trust does not include quizzing your significant other to find out what they have been doing. Trust is just what you described. Knowing that you have a secure relationship and knowing that there is no need to worry.

Personally, I won't allow a relationship to exist unless I have this trust with my significant other. I'm the same way, 90% of my friends are guys. it certainly doesn't mean I am sleeping with them. And I don't care who my guy is friends with, because I know the only one he has feelings for is me.

Congrants 😉 and don't let those around you poison it. Just because they are insecure doesn't mean yall need to be.