How to deal with shame.

[Abeautifulapple]

so i feel like my fetish really stops me from trying to get with women. I havent had much real experience in general (not fetish specific) and the reason is im afraid i wiil be judged or afraid that i might not function without this. This creates feelings of shame and really prevent ne from starting my sex life. I am young and inexperienced which definitely plays its part but how do i really accept this? It is scary and i feel living in a small country matters as well because people are small minded? Im sorry if this post is too negative. Its scary knowing eventually this part about me might make it out to the world. I know these are questions you might not be able to answer for me but i would like to know your experiences.

 

[D-Tickler]

I'm probably much older than you but have a bit similar personality as you do.

I would like to give the following points as suggestion:
1. Try to make friend with a girl who's attractive to you in the (essential) aspects of personality, hobby, habit, talents, etc (namely, don't immediately focus on the potential contact about fetishes, since fetishes are sth relatively secondary for relationship).
2. When you have a kinda committed friendship with that girl, you can start to gradually bring up your tickle fetish and ask that girl about her personal experiences related to daily/random tickling (only talk, no practice).
3. If that girl does have obvious negative attitude and/or experience of tickling, you may ask her about if she would like to do some real tickling practices/sessions with you (starting with relatively mild practices/sessions).
Here, an important point is that you should always show sufficient respect to her personal feelings & choices.

Hopefully, my suggestion can be somewhat helpful for you.

 

[Abeautifulapple]

Thank you for the answer.
This sounds more like a relationship not friendship, you mean a friendship slowly turning to a relationship. I get what you are saying and this is what i want and wanted to do for my first sexual interactions in general maybe not even tickling related but its really difficult to find the friends to lovers trope in this day and age. I do have friends like this but this would require the girl to be attracted to me and want to kind of commit to me which is already hard as i said for all males id say (the opposite is true i have to be attracted to the girl and im quite picky to be honest). Feelings matter to me i think a lot. But even then i feel like if the girl is initially interested and is “turned off” by this fetish then it would really stigmatize me and make me completely hopeless. I think patience, timing and some luck are necessary. I feel like a slow approach for this to me seems much better than blurting out my fetish to a girl i know for a few months. It definitely is harder than pure vanilla but we have to remain hopeful?
I would like to hear your experiences or any other people for that matter. Thanks again!

I'm probably much older than you but have a bit similar personality as you do.

I would like to give the following points as suggestion:
1. Try to make friend with a girl who's attractive to you in the (essential) aspects of personality, hobby, habit, talents, etc (namely, don't immediately focus on the potential contact about fetishes, since fetishes are sth relatively secondary for relationship).
2. When you have a kinda committed friendship with that girl, you can start to gradually bring up your tickle fetish and ask that girl about her personal experiences related to daily/random tickling (only talk, no practice).
3. If that girl does have obvious negative attitude and/or experience of tickling, you may ask her about if she would like to do some real tickling practices/sessions with you (starting with relatively mild practices/sessions).
Here, an important point is that you should always show sufficient respect to her personal feelings & choices.

Hopefully, my suggestion can be somewhat helpful for yo

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Quit giving a shit. I don't know if I can post the word here but look up Elisha Long on YouTube and follow his life advice.

 

[FFT32]

Thank you for the answer.
This sounds more like a relationship not friendship, you mean a friendship slowly turning to a relationship. I get what you are saying and this is what i want and wanted to do for my first sexual interactions in general maybe not even tickling related but its really difficult to find the friends to lovers trope in this day and age. I do have friends like this but this would require the girl to be attracted to me and want to kind of commit to me which is already hard as i said for all males id say (the opposite is true i have to be attracted to the girl and im quite picky to be honest). Feelings matter to me i think a lot. But even then i feel like if the girl is initially interested and is “turned off” by this fetish then it would really stigmatize me and make me completely hopeless. I think patience, timing and some luck are necessary. I feel like a slow approach for this to me seems much better than blurting out my fetish to a girl i know for a few months. It definitely is harder than pure vanilla but we have to remain hopeful?
I would like to hear your experiences or any other people for that matter. Thanks again!

I can attest that a friendship turning into a relationship is the single greatess thing in my life. Both in a loving and tickle fetish way!

 

[yinzer]

It's not your fetish that's stopping you from 'getting with women.' It's lack of confidence, and I'm the last person that can really advise you on that. In fact, no one really can. It's built on our personal experiences, so it's something we all have to figure out for ourselves, first, to know who we are, and then, to know what we need to truly feel comfortable with that and to believe we will be successful in who we wish to be. There are people who can fake this confidence outwardly, for sure, but many of us can't, and those that fake it will be exposed under the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) circumstances. True confidence has to be built and earned with resiliency to failures, which are inevitable on the way to success - but do that, and the right women for you will naturally find you attractive and want to be with you, and while acceptance of your fetish is never guaranteed with anyone, it will be exponentially more likely if you're comfortable with it and stop feeling shame about it. The good news is, it sounds like you're still young and have time to work this out, so best of luck to you!

 

[Abeautifulapple]

It's not your fetish that's stopping you from 'getting with women.' It's lack of confidence, and I'm the last person that can really advise you on that. In fact, no one really can. It's built on our personal experiences, so it's something we all have to figure out for ourselves, first, to know who we are, and then, to know what we need to truly feel comfortable with that and to believe we will be successful in who we wish to be. There are people who can fake this confidence outwardly, for sure, but many of us can't, and those that fake it will be exposed under the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) circumstances. True confidence has to be built and earned with resiliency to failures, which are inevitable on the way to success - but do that, and the right women for you will naturally find you attractive and want to be with you, and while acceptance of your fetish is never guaranteed with anyone, it will be exponentially more likely if you're comfortable with it and stop feeling shame about it. The good news is, it sounds like you're still young and have time to work this out, so best of luck to you!

Great response! I totally agree with you and while i do realize most of what you are saying it is easier said than done, obviously. I feel like most of what you are saying does come with time if i don’t really mess up my life and indeed the benefit is i am young. But the sooner i figure things out the better and more years i can enjoy living care free. But the truth is there is no shortcut to this because i think thats what ive been looking for. And about the fetish it’s something we have and can’t really do anything about it. The thing im not so sure about is the extend this fetish is to me because not having any real experiences with women means i can’t know for sure how i feel and what i like yet.
But thanks again for the response and i wish the best to you as well!

 

[Ghostwriter727]

I can be a wordsmith at times and I think that maybe you are focusing a little too hard on "shameful feelings" when it may be more helpful to instead consider that ticklish laughter, fun foreplay, or just wrestling around the floor is part of a healthy interaction as long as no one is being harassed or disrespected.

Tickling may not be every woman's idea of fun, and maybe you struggle to relate to some women, but you definitely bring good self reflection, and thoughtful consideration to any friendship, or relationship.
For example; you are already considering how to be a better catch for those lucky girls that you are going to meet by considering these types of questions.
Keep it up.🤙

Confidence is a pretty hard muscle to exercise; especially in todays dating scene, but it sounds like part of your struggle is taking some pressure off of yourself, and admitting that you are a great catch with or without the sexual preferences.

Also if you struggle with expressing your fetish to someone; maybe start with simply calling it a preference for legs and feet. (A little less awkward) And over time express a deeper fascination with feet, tickle play, massage, or another fetishes that web nicely with your kinks.

Sometimes we have to market our desires in a way that benefits everyone involved.
When I first met my wife (been together for 20 years now) I would massage her feet and legs, and she was pretty ticklish which was an added bonus, but I never really pushed it on her as an expectation.

As we have gotten to know each other it just became a bigger part of our sex-play life and we are definitely better for it.

Above all else; work on yourself so that when you meet one, two, or several playmates; you are already living a good life, and inviting others along for the ride is just an added bonus.👈

Have some grace on yourself, and remember that someone (or several people) out there need a person like yourself.
Take care of yourself, and we'll be here to celebrate with you when the time comes.
And it will come..🤜🤛

 

[Abeautifulapple]

wow thank you for your kind words! I guess patience and keeping what im doing while easing the thoughts and pressure should do the trick eventually i hope!

 

[Silverflame3]

I would like to add my two cents to the discussion. What we all yearn for may on the surface level seem like distinct and very specifics things, but at an underlying level we seek a human connection. In my experience, the way you establish this connection with every single person is unique and very much calibrated to the needs, wants, opinions and desires of both parties involved. You know from what standpoint you approach people, now it's prudent to pay attention when you interact with people how they respond and perceive the world.

Your feeling of shame stems from not being experienced enough how to present your vulnerable and inexperienced parts without feeling afraid, and not knowing how to approach people so they see through both yours and their filters and really see the truth instead of something distorted by clouded perception. We all seek validation, and there is always a fear of having our most vulnerable parts attacked/made fun of/ridiculed. If you practice on establishing connection and grow a bit bolder in the process, you will not only learn to handle the potential rejections easier, you will also learn how to calibrate your approach to get the other side to really notice you and help you get the message across. Once you do manage to reach through and connect with people, you'd be surprised how many things they would let you do, stuff you would otherwise hardly believe was possible.

Failure is inevitable, sadness is inevitable, pain is inevitable; you cannot learn otherwise. Take the hits as you go, don't give up, and little by little you will toughen up, wisen up, and learn to do things better. Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional.

 

[duderino84]

Quit giving a shit. I don't know if I can post the word here but look up Elisha Long on YouTube and follow his life advice.

Easing into it eh?

Lol this sounds a lot more like aggressive denial.

If anything, people need to reject this idea that "normal people fantasize about ________".

Yea, if you want kids, you penetrate or wear a condom.

If you're generally fucking with someone, tickling would be one of the more lightly offensive ways.

I met someone once who was all about blowjobs, but I was just feeling tickling more at the time.

People have to stop trying to rush life.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Easing into it eh?

Lol this sounds a lot more like aggressive denial.

If anything, people need to reject this idea that "normal people fantasize about ________".

Yea, if you want kids, you penetrate or wear a condom.

If you're generally fucking with someone, tickling would be one of the more lightly offensive ways.

I met someone once who was all about blowjobs, but I was just feeling tickling more at the time.

People have to stop trying to rush life.

I don't understand what you're communicating.

 

[Abeautifulapple]

I would like to add my two cents to the discussion. What we all yearn for may on the surface level seem like distinct and very specifics things, but at an underlying level we seek a human connection. In my experience, the way you establish this connection with every single person is unique and very much calibrated to the needs, wants, opinions and desires of both parties involved. You know from what standpoint you approach people, now it's prudent to pay attention when you interact with people how they respond and perceive the world.

Your feeling of shame stems from not being experienced enough how to present your vulnerable and inexperienced parts without feeling afraid, and not knowing how to approach people so they see through both yours and their filters and really see the truth instead of something distorted by clouded perception. We all seek validation, and there is always a fear of having our most vulnerable parts attacked/made fun of/ridiculed. If you practice on establishing connection and grow a bit bolder in the process, you will not only learn to handle the potential rejections easier, you will also learn how to calibrate your approach to get the other side to really notice you and help you get the message across. Once you do manage to reach through and connect with people, you'd be surprised how many things they would let you do, stuff you would otherwise hardly believe was possible.

Failure is inevitable, sadness is inevitable, pain is inevitable; you cannot learn otherwise. Take the hits as you go, don't give up, and little by little you will toughen up, wisen up, and learn to do things better. Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional.

Lovely response and i do agree with you that is exactly what most humans want, at least what i want. Lovely thread guys would love more responses

 

[yinzer]

Great response! I totally agree with you and while i do realize most of what you are saying it is easier said than done, obviously. I feel like most of what you are saying does come with time if i don’t really mess up my life and indeed the benefit is i am young. But the sooner i figure things out the better and more years i can enjoy living care free. But the truth is there is no shortcut to this because i think thats what ive been looking for. And about the fetish it’s something we have and can’t really do anything about it. The thing im not so sure about is the extend this fetish is to me because not having any real experiences with women means i can’t know for sure how i feel and what i like yet.
But thanks again for the response and i wish the best to you as well!

It is definitely much easier said than done, which is why many people never actually get there. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did, thinking this will just come naturally with age. It doesn't, at least it didn't for me. In fact, I've found it can even get harder as you get older. You get much more grace from others when you're young on this. When you get older, there are expectations (at least somewhat understandably) that you've had time to get your shit together, which can add another dynamic to the struggle. Another thing I'll put out there to consider is how every stage of life is inextricably connected, so crazy as it may seem, you're still being affected by things you experienced as a toddler, as a child, a teenager, etc., and it just continues on that way throughout your entire life. This is why everyone has a different path to get where they need to be with this. The struggle is not the same for everyone, and for some, it will come much easier and more naturally based on their life experiences and so many other variables, many out of their control, so work on the things you can so you can be the best version of you!

 

[duderino84]

I don't understand what you're communicating.

Why would you reference a guy who proudly puts himself down?

Like he's using and excusing it but fundamentally he's not coming across as confident.

I think people just have to be more forward with it.

"I'm looking for someone to tickle, it turns me on and I think if you give it a shot you might get turned on too."