I have a question...it relates to social skills

[Soulfly]

I have a very, very low amount of social skills. I have no friends, and I come off as someone who doesn't want any, even though that is far from the truth. I have been told by my family that I am "too serious" and I come off a bit too "mysterious" for my own good. I guess people get the idea that I think im better than them, but I really do not think that. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I have this image in my mind...this dream of the person I want to be, I can see him everytime I look in the mirrror, this charismatic, strong, responsible man. Then it's back to reality. You see, I am the type of person that isn't interested in small talk. I like to have long, thoughtful, deep conversations with people. I am not satisfied with a conversation with someone unless I walk away feeling I learned something. My inability to initiate "small-talk" (and trust me, I've tried, I always come off looking like a fool) has pretty much destroyed my confidence. I feel I have so much to offer to people, I just can't figure out how to express myself in a way that will interest others, or make them take notice. I feel as if I am trapped from the inside. It's as if my own insecurities are holding me back from being the person I want to be. I am constantly worrying about what others are thinking about how I look (I am overweight) ..and this constant concern kills my ability to enjoy being out. Because I am not where I want to be socially and physically, I feel as though I have nothing to feel good about. I know this may sound stupid and cliche', but I have learned it is indeed true that if you do not love yourself, you cannot love others. Sometimes, I feel like everyone is so cruel, because everytime I try and put myself out there, I end up looking like a fool. I think to myself "why won't anyone help me? why is it so easy for everyone else to have good friends? Am I just one of those people who isn't meant to get along with others? A lone wolf?" ....I am only 19 years old, yet I feel as if I have already learned a lesson that my grandfather once told me "when you get to be my age, you appreciate good company" ....I'll appreciate it, more than he will ever know...

I am sorry to make such a long winded post, I just had to get that off of my chest. I just hope that some of the more experienced people here can offer me some advice that may help me. Thank you for your time.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

It seems to me like you need to find SELF-acceptance first. What you shared (which took guts) comes down to you wanting to be someone you aren't....looks, personality, etc. Sure, there may be some things that really need a change. But, I know from experience that you have to accept where you're at before you can do anything about growing and moving beyond it.

Until we can look at ourselves as we are now, it's like wearing cement shoes. It's very difficult to go anywhere but where we're at. Once we accept ourselves and rid ourselves of that weight we place on ourselves, we're free to grow. It's not something that's likely to happen over night. But, it can happen if you give yourself a break and have a bit of patience.

You said you're only 19? You're way beyond where a lot of folks are at that age. If you're planning to go to college, that will likely be a time when you get to exercise your intellect more. That may help the frustration you're feeling somewhat. Hang in there. It's all worth the frustration in the end.

Ann

 

[steph]

I don't know you well but your posts always strike me as mature and thoughtful. I wouldn't have guessed you so young. My advice? Firstly, don't be so hard on yourself~you probably have much more to offer than you realize.

Second, be patient. I was a MESS at your age and for a few years after that. I'm almost twice that now. I PROMISE you, it DOES get better. I know I hated being a teenager and resented "older" people who said (then) stupid things to me like, "Oh, you're so lucky, this is the best time of your life." What a load a CRAP! I was a full time student working 3 jobs to put myself thru school. I lived in a hideous apartment, lived on mac and cheese and top ramen and the little snax (and 2 for one drinks) they served at happy hour. I never had any money and rarely had time for sleep. Hang in there, it will change.

Lastly and maybe most importantly, and this goes to what Ann said~One of my deep dark secrets to happiness so keep this one on the down-low...😉
You MUST love yourself first, before others will love you. Master this one and you will succeed grasshopper!
I look around at some of the people I know (even a few here) and they're so insecure, it's sad. On the exterior they're jumping up and down and yelling, "me, me ME" just so people will notice, when in fact they're secretly miserable, terrified people will find out that they aren't what they pretend to be, and in many cases, more pathetic than the majority.

You say you're alone a lot...I've learned to love my alone time, because it's so rare for me. Use this time for self reflection, figure out what you like, what you have to offer and how to make the most of it. Doing things you like (like joining a club or team can help you have fun and you won't be thinking about this all so much and will probably make friends~people are naturally drawn to those who look like they're having fun!

XOXO

 

[ticklkitten]

steph gives some awesome advice soulfly. And although I'm only 26 (and my life is still a bit of a mess) it does get a lot easier as you get older. I know you say that you hate small talk but it is one of those necessary evils as far as I'm concerned. I'm not much one for it either... so just be patient... I know how rough it is at that age. Maybe try to "put yourself out there" more... go where other people are that share your interests. Introduce yourself. It's a huge step and just might start that in depth conversation that you crave. baby steps honey.

 

[Myriads]

Look upon small talk as a way to explore a person. What they say and what they choose is a reflection of who they are. You can learn much at such times, though the knowledge is something that many overlook, or fail to see as important. It's a game. play and enjoy.

Myriads

 

[giantfan121262]

Between Ann, Kitten and Steph, the advice given was pretty darn sound I don't know if I can add that nuch without repeating what someone just said. Anyway, I'll take a stab in the dark.

The acceptance comes first, and you took a huge step by making this post and admitting your shortcomings. You seem to be taking a step in the right direction by placing an image of the person you want to be. Do youreslf a favor. KEEP that image, and remember it when you come in contact with people. I believe you are who you THINK you are and sooner or later it will come across that way to other people. If you think you are too serious, learn to lighten up. I know from experience that those who take things too seriously come across as a fuddy duddy. Doing something as simple as reading the comics, or watching a comedy can teach you some wit and you can apply it in conversation when the time becomes appropriate. If you are looking to lose weight (which you imply) joining a gym would be a good idea as well. You can kill two birds with one stone by excercising and improving your self image. You will be sharing the facility with people with a common issue, which is trying to get in better shape, and perhaps your conversation skills will improve as well. Also, a little counseling wouldn't hurt either. I've been there and it's helped me in my earlier years.

I wish you a great deal of luck in your journey to self improvement. there is a saying that the long journey begins with one step, which you took be sharing yourself. Keep us posted on your progress, and feel free to PM me if you think I can be further help.

 

[Soulfly]

I would like to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and advice with me. I really, really appreciate it. It means alot, it really does. I really am going to try and accept my situatio the way it is now, and try and focus solely on what I can do to get to where I want to be. It's just difficult sometimes, you know? I talk to myself so much during the day, while im around my house, while im in the shower ect ... just because I have so much to share/talk about, but nobody to talk to. It seems as though no matter how optimistic or positive I try and be, every night when I lie down in bed I look up at the ceiling and feel the same empty feeling I've felt for years now. It's just getting old. It really is getting old. Once again I thank you all, you have my highest respects, and even though I haven't been here long, I hope we can become good friends. Thank you so very much.

 

[Oddjob0226]

Wow - this all sounds very familiar..... and I hate that whole small-talk thing, too! No one ever brings that up. I really see nothing wrong with comfortable silences.

Anyway, no real advice, just an interesting thing you picked up on.

 

[kis123]

Wow

This is awfully deep stuff for someone only 19 years old. I wasn't much older than you when I had my first child. I wasn't half as mature either!

May I make a suggestion? You may be having a problem because of your maturity. My daughter has similiar problems being a 15 year old high school junior. She is well accepted by her older peers and sometimes exudes more wisdom than them. Some people just have an "old soul" and you sound like one of them.

Listen to the thoughful advice already given and make a self-assessment. Do you find your peers boring and un-interesting to you? Make friends with folks slightly older than you until you find your "soul-age" group. I think you'll end up a lot happier then.

As far as being overweight is concerned, I've struggled with it longer than you've been alive and have the keychain and the t-shirt to prove it!! Everyone's not made to be thin. Work on downsizing your body one pound at a time. Decide to learn to love that man in the mirror no matter how he looks on the outside. Once your insides start showing the real you that you've learned to love and accept, the rest will fall into place.

And don't try to be anyone other than who you are and are comfortable with. If that's not enough for folks, you're not with the right people!

Have you noticed how many times I've used to word "soul" to describe you? Are you beginning to catch the vision? It's just who you are my dear! Quit letting others define you and quit following unnatural paths for yourself. You beat to your own drum and pioneers have to cut out their own untraveled terrain the hard way! It's never easy being the leader!

You're an adult (and a fine one at that) and you can do that for yourself "soulfly". Follow your screename and let it rip! The world is waiting!


I hope this helps.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

Another random thought, I figured I'd go ahead and share in case you find it helpful...

When I was in highschool, I had few friends. Those I did have were true friends, though. Part of that was because I chose not to hang out with the party crowd, which comprised 90% of my HS population. Part was also that I didn't see anyone as being able to accept me as I was (I didn't accept myself either). People knew me as the goodie goodie who wouldn't compromise what I believed in order to make friends. So, they didn't invite me to join in anything. It was lonely and confusing at times.

Now, you want to hear the good part? Those same people who wouldn't invite me to things would constantly come up to me during study halls, etc. and pour their guts out to me. While they didn't want to hang with me in social situations, they DID respect me. They DID find my thoughts/words of some value. I'd venture a guess that people feel a similar thing about you. Maybe they don't know how to relate to you in a social situation. But, if your maturity exhibits itself as much in person as it does here, you'll do fine.

You mention in your second post that you're constantly talking to yourself because you have so much to share. I can relate to that too. It's what led to me writing my first book. If you enjoy writing, perhaps that's an outlet for you as well. Tell your story to others your age...your struggles, your victories, etc. Share with them what it is you have to say. It will give focus to things and help you to identify them for yourself in the process of sharing it with others.

Just a thought. 😎

Ann

 

[morgandavis]

deep like xenogears

 

[brummie]

So much good advice already, theres very little i can add.... but i will say this

Don't be afraid to feel the fool sometimes. What may make you feel foolish, may not look the same to other people. Most people respect that you have tried.

As others have suggested things get easier in time. I was much the same as you when i was at school, and found it much easier once i got to university and was around other people who had the time to talk about serious issues. Don't give up making the effort, and things will improve.

 

[Soulfly]

Once again I must thank you all for your advice. It really means alot to me, and im starting to think about all this in a positive manner. I will take your advice to heart, and am going to try and push through the negatives, as I must believe that at the end of every night, there is a beautiful sunrise. My father said something interesting last night, he told me that becoming a social master requires the same thing that becoming a martial arts master does; training. I don't suppose sitting around in my room and roaming around the house is going to do me any good in that respect. I am starting school this year, hopefully I can meet some like minded people there. In the meantime, I am going to reflect, and try and find some confidence, to best ready myself for the coming task of school.

Once again, thank you all, I feel much better having "outed" my feelings, so to speak.

 

[AquaFeline]

I used to be no good about small talk either... I was a mess at 19. I was extraordinarily paranoid etc. But things get better as you get older.

One thing to remember is that people are mostly worrying about themselves, and not you. You don't matter to the majority of people (and neither do I.) This may sound like a drag, but really, it's freedom. You can fuck up and it won't matter because either this person is too busy worrying about what they're going to say or you will never meet them again anyway. It gives you the freedom to practice. On that note, talking does take practice, you have to be able to do it sometimes without taking too much time to think (its often those pauses that get awkward.) Most likely better to practice away from the people you see on a day to day basis so you won't have it hanging over your head if you embarrass yourself. Talking from experience here.

Another thing is that small talk is mostly a script. Standard questions are where do you work, how long have you lived here, what classes are you taking / what major are you, where are you originally from, etc. You generally use small talk as a way to find common ground. Once you have something in common that makes things easier. Small talk is mostly social lubricant for getting into more interesting stuff. Also you don't have to be interested in everyone or vice versa. Spend your efforts on the people who really seem interesting and don't worry about the rest.

Another thing to consider is that activity groups / clubs automatically give you common ground with people. There's stuff like martial arts, board or card gaming, whatever. You also have something to do and concentrate on other than just talking. I did a lot of RPG's and some geek gaming and that's where most of my friends have come from.

Life is short. It is best not to concentrate on who you are now, or even who you want to be, but figure out what the first step is to becoming that person. If you look at everything at once it is and will always be overwhelming. Do it in steps, and remember that for every step you go you're doing a hell of a lot better than most of the people out there, and that you should congratulate yourself for that.

I can understand the weight issue, though I've never been there myself. All I can say is that my BF has been a part of weight watchers for years and it really does work -- he's lost like 140 lbs with it. It might be embarrassing but if/when I get overweight I'll try it myself. 🙂

You were talking about everyone else having good friends etc. What you may not be thinking about is that everyone has their own skeletons in the closet and that most people don't bring them out for the world to see and that a lot of people pretend to be happier than they are.

Hope some of this was helpful.

 

[WorkInProgress]

I am sorry to hear that you're suffering from this loneliness. For the moment, I'll offer several brief thoughts that can be expanded on with time.

1. Things really do get better as you get older, in the sense that 19 is an age when you're more likely to feel surrounded by conformist cliques.

2. Yet even now, it's well to make peace with the fact that not everybody will "get" you, but that won't stop you from forming meaningful friendships with individuals who do appreciate you as you are.

3. Look up "Asperger's Syndrome" and see if you have any common ground with it. Being uncomfortable with small talk and certain social situations may be a sign of a touch of that. I say "a touch" because I think that's what I have, and it would be a mistake to diagnose you as fitting into a neat category, but you may find some partial common ground with the profile there. Or maybe not.

In any case, I hope the community here is a constructive part of your life.