is tickling someone who is not your SO cheating?

[SlaverTickler]

If your S.O. knows about it, and is ok with it then I wouldn't think so. You have this fetish and your partner won't take part in play, but they understand the urge they might let you play with somebody else. Mind you, your partner may expect the same understanding in return, and you may have to tolerate them exploring there fetish with somebody else if you aren't into it.

 

[SlaverTickler]

By that same argument your partner could say "I think making out is not cheating (in your partner's opinion) because it doesn't involve vaginal intercourse."

REMEMBER oral sex is not sex, there for it is not cheating 😉

 

[Driver Ed]

Looking over this thread there are basically two kinds of answers people seem to be offering.

1. Their own personal feelings with regards to their own situations. Nemesis, Sleepy Jean, Angel, and a few others answered this way, and they are good answers because they don't imply or insinuate that their values apply to everybody.

2. broader answers that apply more universally and less specifically. Some of these answers are good because they still allow people their own values. Here are some examples.

Depends on the couple. In my case, it is. That's what we agreed on.

Each person decides for themselves. If the SO thinks otherwise, then you work it out and come to some kind of agreement. Or you part ways forever.

For goodness' sake. You can't break or keep a commitment with another person if you don't know what the commitment is.

If you haven't discussed this with your wife, you can't know the answer.

Other answers involve people applying their personal values universally, which I personally find to be somewhat uncool.

Typically if you have to ask, it is.

If your SO thinks it's cheating, then it is.

A good rule is that if you wouldn't want your SO finding out about it, it's probably cheating.

These answers all seem to suggest an obligation to tell our SO anything and everything we do, or at least every instance in which we're sexually excited.

I watch The Alyona Show on RT because I think Alyona is sexy as hell and it turns me on to see her on TV. I don't tell my girlfriend about this because it might upset her. According to the above comments, I'm cheating by watching a pretty girl on TV. I'm convinced that most of you that hold to this type of thinking have never been in a serious relationship. There are some things you just don't tell your SO. Wouldn't you love to know where this idea came from that being in a commited relationship oblidges one to full disclosure of everything and every one that turns you on.

I'll tell you. It's all born out of insecurity. Some people are so insecure they can't stand the idea of their SO being turned on by anything else but them.

"Noooooo!!! Don't look at her!! You're only supposed to be attracted to me! Me me meeee!!!"

"Don't wear that dress!! Somebody else might check you out! I'm the only one allowed to to that!! Me me meeee!!!"

I can't imagine telling my SO that I'm uncomfortable with her tickling or being tickled by other people. I pray to God that I never sink down to that subterrainean level of selfish and mistrustful insecurity.

And this idea that only the SO can define cheating ranks pretty high on the chart of stupidest things I've read on the TMF. Sex and romance are given criteria for cheating. Anything beyond that has to be discussed and agreed upon by both partners. If there is no agreement, there can be no cheating.

 

[Bohemianne]

There are some things you just don't tell your SO. Wouldn't you love to know where this idea came from that being in a commited relationship oblidges one to full disclosure of everything and every one that turns you on.

Hmmm... Let me try simulate:

I could just imagine the horror on a young wife's face if her S.O. would disclose bluntly that her rival is either their brand new vacuum cleaner or their vehicle's muffler. (That is if the man takes those things for sex)...

Now if he had been secretly tickling those items above, then she needs full disclosure so she can decide the fastest way of booking a qualified shrink.

Decide.

 

[tkltease]

I've been telling people this lately. I'm in chicago now, but I have a lot of people back in philly (and on this site) who wanna tickle me. I have a boyfriend and I keep putting them down on the offer because I feel it would be cheating in a way. Who knows what else would happen during the session and the last thing i'd want is something to go wrong and my boyfriend not being able to recover from it. If he was comfortable with it, and I was maybe...but i'm sure a part of me and him would still be very uncomfortable. I know how often tickling turns into bondage play, being stripped, and sometimes foreplay so thats my main concern. Just make sure everyone is comfortable and agrees on the terms before you tickle/let someone else tickle you if you're in a relationship/married.

you clearly hit it on the head here in a relationship or married you clearly have to be upfront with your partner my exwife knew my love for tickling and her only boundaries were i don't care who you may tickle besides me but keep it tickling and sexual teasing but never go any farther then that and for us both it worked well because she had her own kinky side that i agreed she could also do as long as it never went beyound teasing and playful fun.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

I can't imagine telling my SO that I'm uncomfortable with her tickling or being tickled by other people. I pray to God that I never sink down to that subterrainean level of selfish and mistrustful insecurity.

I don't agree with that. I would think telling your SO that you're uncomfortable with it would be something that you can work on together as a couple so you can become more comfortable with it.

I would want to know if my SO is uncomfortable with it so we can figure out together what exactly is making him uncomfortable and if there's anything that can be done to reassure him so he's not uncomfortable. Like if it would help him to meet the man or woman who's going to tickle me or I'm going to tickle, if witnessing a session would help. Otherwise I'd be selfish myself if he's letting me have my tickling fun but I'm ignoring his comfort level.

 

[Driver Ed]

Hmmm... Let me try simulate:

I could just imagine the horror on a young wife's face if her S.O. would disclose bluntly that her rival is either their brand new vacuum cleaner or their vehicle's muffler. (That is if the man takes those things for sex)...

Now if he had been secretly tickling those items above, then she needs full disclosure so she can decide the fastest way of booking a qualified shrink.

Decide.

Haha. Put me down for the Hoover!

I don't agree with that. I would think telling your SO that you're uncomfortable with it would be something that you can work on together as a couple so you can become more comfortable with it.

I agree with you. I just hope I never sink to that point where something like that makes me uncomfortable.

I would want to know if my SO is uncomfortable with it so we can figure out together what exactly is making him uncomfortable and if there's anything that can be done to reassure him so he's not uncomfortable. Like if it would help him to meet the man or woman who's going to tickle me or I'm going to tickle, if witnessing a session would help. Otherwise I'd be selfish myself if he's letting me have my tickling fun but I'm ignoring his comfort level.

Okay. Suppose your SO tells you that he's not comfortable with you tickling another man. So you ask him why he's not comfortable with it. What answer could he give you that is not born out of jealousy, insecurity, or mistrust?

You went from a meaningful post to complete hypocrisy. Your entire post can be summed up to "Ok, any post that was open ended so it is up to the couple is great. Any post that universally defines cheating is awful and stupid. Now, I will tell you what the universal definition of cheating is."

Bullshit. I never offered any definition of cheating. I merely debunked some of those that were offered.

On the other hand, thank you for your universal definition...

If your SO is uncomfortable with what you are doing and you KNOW they are uncomfortable with it, you suspect they are uncomfortable with it, or you are trying to hide it from them because you think there is a possibility that they might be uncomfortable with it, you are being untrustworthy.

Again, I say bullshit. It's up to the individual to decide whether or not an objection from the SO is reasonable and plausible. For example, if my SO objected to me watching the Alyona Show because she wasn't "comfortable," I'd likely toss her a pillow and keep watching.

It is your SOs right... no, their obligation to leave you if you are willingly hurting them. That is called emotional abuse. If you are aware that what you are doing would hurt them and do it anyway, then you're scum and they need to run for the hills.

Great. While talking about extra-marital tickling, we've gone from discomfort to hurt to abuse. Oprah would be proud of this thread.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

Okay. Suppose your SO tells you that he's not comfortable with you tickling another man. So you ask him why he's not comfortable with it. What answer could he give you that is not born out of jealousy, insecurity, or mistrust?

Still, no matter what the reason (jealousy, insecurity, mistrust), it's something work on as a couple. Why is he jealous? Why does he feel insecure? Who does he mistrust -- the guy or me?

If my SO is telling me "have your tickling fun" but feels uncomfortable, then I want to help him feel more comfortable about letting me have my fun.

 

[rhiannon]

Again, I say bullshit. It's up to the individual to decide whether or not an objection from the SO is reasonable and plausible. For example, if my SO objected to me watching the Alyona Show because she wasn't "comfortable," I'd likely toss her a pillow and keep watching.

Well, there is a difference between being overly jealous (which the reaction on the TV show would be) or being jealous with a good reason!

If my partner said I couldn't watch Nip/Tuck because I think Julian McMahon is hot, he clearly is overdoing it and it would be MY decision here to break up because I could see me locked down in the appartment sooner or later.

If my partner says I can't be tickled by other guys because it is arousing to me, that is his right! Because I am basically involving in a sexual activity with another guy! Now there has to be the decision: Do I care about my partner's feelings and refrain from doing so, or don't I care and do it anyways. As Chrisums said, he would be very much in the right to leave me for it!

A relationship is about respect! I can't be with someone whose feelings I don't respect.

 

[Driver Ed]

Still, no matter what the reason (jealousy, insecurity, mistrust), it's something work on as a couple. Why is he jealous? Why does he feel insecure? Who does he mistrust -- the guy or me?

If my SO is telling me "have your tickling fun" but feels uncomfortable, then I want to help him feel more comfortable about letting me have my fun.

I could really use some of your compassion and generosity. I'm seriously touched that somebody would be willing to work through such things. I think for most people (including me) that kind of mistrust and insecurity would be a deal breaker. I can't picture myself being in love with such a person.

You're a good person, ticklingnemesis. 🙂

Well, there is a difference between being overly jealous (which the reaction on the TV show would be) or being jealous with a good reason!

If my partner said I couldn't watch Nip/Tuck because I think Julian McMahon is hot, he clearly is overdoing it and it would be MY decision here to break up because I could see me locked down in the appartment sooner or later.

So in other words....It DOES matter what YOU think. It's not solely up to the SO like you've been saying for the last six pages. Thank you.

If my partner says I can't be tickled by other guys because it is arousing to me, that is his right! Because I am basically involving in a sexual activity with another guy!

First, tickling is NOT a sexual activity. Get it through your head, Rhiannon. Chew on that simple fact and digest it. Tickling is not a sexual act! We just happen to like it more than most people. That does not make the activity a sexual one. And yes, I know you're probably chomping at the bit to say, "TO ME it IS sexual!" No, it's not sexual, even to you. We don't get to pick and choose what is sexual and what isn't. We can become aroused by anything from sexual activity to watching a character on TV. In short, we can decide what we find HOT, but the term "sexual" is a medical term that we don't get to personally define.

Secondly, you just got finished admitting (albeit late in the game) that there are things you do because you find them HOT; like watching what's-his-name from Nip and Tuck. You went on to say that your husband would be way out of line if he demanded you cease watching that show.

Do you see where I'm going here, Rhiannon?

Consider the two activities:

1. Being tickled

2. Eye "balling" the hot dude on Nip & Tuck

Neither are sexual activities by definition. Both excite and stimulate you on an erotic level. You find both activities hot.

Yet one of them you would consider acceptable criteria for your husband to leave you. The other you would find to be a ridiculously unreasonable justification. Do you not see the double standard?

What makes one okay and the other not?

Now there has to be the decision: Do I care about my partner's feelings and refrain from doing so, or don't I care and do it anyways. As Chrisums said, he would be very much in the right to leave me for it!

A relationship is about respect! I can't be with someone whose feelings I don't respect.

You should definitely take the things Chrisums says seriously but only if you embrace the teachings of Oprah, Dr. Phil, and every other daytime talk show host.

Once again, your comments further demonstrate that it does indeed matter what you think, at least as much as what your SO thinks.

You've already decided that him telling you not to drool over Julian McMahon would be unreasonable.

You could make the same decision about tickling. And if you want to be consistent, I think that's exactly what you should do.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

If your SO thinks it's cheating, then it is.

That pretty much wraps it up in a nutshell.

My wife and I have both tickled other people, at gatherings and and small get-togethers. No big deal.

 

[Mitchell]

I think it really depends upon the circumstance, the couple involved, and what was or wasn't agreed to by the parties involved.

In the case of people such as TMFer's, who get a sexual thrill out of tickling, it would be, because, you are engaging in an activity that gives you a sexual thrill, with someone other than your partner. The only exception would be something like a gathering, if the partners involved agreed it would be okay to tickle others, or be tickled by others, at such events.

In the case of people who aren't turned on by tickling in the manner than most forum members are, it might not be cheating. For example: If I wasn't into tickling in the manner that I am, and I was married, and just tickled my wife playfully sometimes, as many "vanillas" do, and, my wife had, for example, a male best friend, who gave her a playful tickle, I wouldn't particularly consider that cheating, because, she would not gain sexual excitement from the tickling.

To sum up: For anyone on this website, yes, it's cheating, because of how we all feel about tickling. For vanillas, it would depend on the circumstanes.

Mitch

 

[goddess_nemesis]

First, tickling is NOT a sexual activity. Get it through your head, Rhiannon. Chew on that simple fact and digest it. Tickling is not a sexual act! We just happen to like it more than most people. That does not make the activity a sexual one. And yes, I know you're probably chomping at the bit to say, "TO ME it IS sexual!" No, it's not sexual, even to you. We don't get to pick and choose what is sexual and what isn't. We can become aroused by anything from sexual activity to watching a character on TV. In short, we can decide what we find HOT, but the term "sexual" is a medical term that we don't get to personally define.

Secondly, you just got finished admitting (albeit late in the game) that there are things you do because you find them HOT; like watching what's-his-name from Nip and Tuck. You went on to say that your husband would be way out of line if he demanded you cease watching that show.

Do you see where I'm going here, Rhiannon?

Consider the two activities:

1. Being tickled

2. Eye "balling" the hot dude on Nip & Tuck

Neither are sexual activities by definition. Both excite and stimulate you on an erotic level. You find both activities hot.

Yet one of them you would consider acceptable criteria for your husband to leave you. The other you would find to be a ridiculously unreasonable justification. Do you not see the double standard?

What makes one okay and the other not?

You should definitely take the things Chrisums says seriously but only if you embrace the teachings of Oprah, Dr. Phil, and every other daytime talk show host.

Once again, your comments further demonstrate that it does indeed matter what you think, at least as much as what your SO thinks.

You've already decided that him telling you not to drool over Julian McMahon would be unreasonable.

You could make the same decision about tickling. And if you want to be consistent, I think that's exactly what you should do.

Isn't that being too general?

There's tickling that is friendly and that you would/could do with family and friends. I've been tickled briefly by a friend and it was FAR from sexual.

And there's tickling where you and another person set up a session where either you tickle the person or the person tickles you or both. Sessions for some tend to be sexual and arousing. For others, not so much.

It's that kind of thing that is something a couple should talk about.

 

[Driver Ed]

Now you are being unreasonable just to try to prove a point. While borderline trollish in your responses (to the point I've wondered several times whether you are a troll...)

Typical. When all else fails, play the Troll Card.

I'll give you the doubt of being intelligent enough to be able to distinguish between the scenario of performing a mildly sexual bdsm act which involves bondage and them rubbing their hands all over you to sitting down and watching television/a movie. That argument is not only irrelevant but also somewhat embarrassing.

First, I never said anything about BDSM, bondage, or rubbing hands all over. That is quite a lot you're reading into the simple phrase "being tickled." You keep introducing unrelated topics...bondage....bdsm....emotional abuse. I'd say it's you who are being unreasonable just to try to prove a point.

Nor did I imply the two activities were in any way identical. You missed my point entirely, so I'll try to elaborate.

Rhiannon said that it was right for a husband to leave a wife if she invites another man to tickle her. Her reason was because it was an activity she indulged in strictly for it's erotic stimulation.

But what about the TV show she watches? She said she watches it because Julian McMahon is hot. So this is another thing she does for erotic stimulation.

So even though this is a different activity entirely, it still qualifies as "an activity she indulged in strictly for it's erotic stimulation." It still breaks the same rule she herself defined as being grounds for divorce.

I do know the difference between being tickled and watching a TV show. It's that difference that underscores my point that she needs to do a better job of explaining why she feels being tickled is a divorce-able offense.

How far do you take this reasoning? What if her husband decided he wasn't comfortable with her surfing the TMF and talking to other tickle people? Would she be obligated to leave the forum? You might say no, but according to the reasoning both you and she outlined, the answer would be yes.

If you are ok with the concept of your wife removing most (if not all) of her clothing, being tied up and having random dudes put their hands all over her in sexually arousing ways that illicit laughter as a response AND you expect 100% for her to be ok with this, then good for you.

LOL. And you suspect ME of trolling?

Once again, you are inserting irrelevant stuff that does not pertain to the current discussion. We're not talking about removal of clothing. We're not talking about random dudes. We're not talking about being tied up. We're talking about tickling and being tickled.

And yes, that's my own personal gauge that I use to consider whether or not my sense of values are reasonable.

Would it be okay for me to tickle a naked woman? Well, I consider the turnaround question: How would I feel if my girlfriend tickled a naked guy? Gotta say not all that great. So I don't go tickling naked women.

Would I be okay if she tickled a guy fully clothed outside of any sexual context? Yes, I would be okay with that. So consequently I don't believe it would be cheating if I tickled another girl under the same conditions.

When I said emotional abuse, I was pointing out that if you KNOW it hurts her and you do it anyway just to spite her while expecting her to stay- that is an emotionally abusive relationship. Pure and simple.

Yes, I was well aware of what you meant. No offense, but I choose not to recognize the phrase "emotional abuse" with any validity. I'm convinced it's a term invented by divorce attorneys.

You seem to either be in a relationship that you have already confirmed the groundwork OR living in the most blissful ignorance that you can until (hopefully this day never comes) your wife/girlfriend finds out and you suddenly have a huge mess on your hands.

Until that happens, I'm enjoying a cheat-free life.

 

[rhiannon]

But what about the TV show she watches? She said she watches it because Julian McMahon is hot. So this is another thing she does for erotic stimulation.

I never said that I watch the show because Julian McMahon is hot. I watch the show because I think it's a damn good show. (So does my husband, by the way.) There just happens to be an actor in it which I find hot. There are actors in just about every show or movie that are hot!

I just said it would be ridiculous for someone to forbid their SOs to watch something because there is someone on the show or movie they find hot! You could as well throw the TV away!

But even if I WOULD watch it just because of the guy, still it is no real reason for leaving. It would be the same like someone leaving their SO because they masturbate. That is quite a bit over the top.

If I engage with someone else for an erotically stimulating acitivity, that is a different story! And that is what I am trying to say!

It's that difference that underscores my point that she needs to do a better job of explaining why she feels being tickled is a divorce-able offense.

I think you chose not to understand what I am saying more than me needing to do a better job explaining! But if I am not explaining right, it might be because English is not my mother tongue and you might want to ask QUESTIONS if you have the feeling that you don't understand what I mean!

 

[Knox The Hatter]

I think you chose not to understand what I am saying more than me needing to do a better job explaining! But if I am not explaining right, it might be because English is not my mother tongue and you might want to ask QUESTIONS if you have the feeling that you don't understand what I mean!

Supreme irony: Rhiannon has a better command of the English language than about 85% of the rest of the English-speaking board.

I know I've said this before, but here's another instance where people who aren't in a relationship (and in some cases, have as much chance of being in one as I do of becoming number one wide out on the Pittsburgh Steelers' depth chart), make presumptive rules for people who are...

 

[chase]

Obviously, there are as many different answers to this question as there are couples. Some of the disagreement in this thread seem to be stemming from a few who want to apply their own "universal truth" to every relationship.

I can say without question that every woman I've ever been in a relationship with has known what tickling means to me. And if I'd ever tickled another woman, they would've been deeply hurt. As for them seeming "insecure" or untrustworthy about that, my perspective is, why wouldn't they feel that way if I was engaging in an activity that they know that I consider intimate and arousing, and should only be reserved for them?

So I've never tickled another woman outside of the one I was in a relationship with. Certainly not because my behaviour was being dictated "to" by them. My decision not to do so was dictated from my own sense of loyalty, monogamy, and an understanding of, compassion for and empathy with the feelings of my SO.

"Take no thought of who is better or worse than. For in the landscape of spring the flowering branches grow naturally; some long, some short."

 

[rhiannon]

chase,

you said it perfectly!

 

[chase]

chase,

you said it perfectly!

Thank you. I am honored by the compliment.

 

[Morning Lorie]

All of my ex's took part in tickle attacks on me with multiple people, and I tickled them all and plenty of our female friends all the time. Sometimes me and my ex's would tag team, double team, or organize entire tickle attacks on everyone at birthdays and parties. Everyone always had a blast--everyone knew that me and my ex's used to take the tickling to a totally different level when we were alone and it was pseudo sexual, and no one considered it cheating on any level. I'm talking tickling girlfriends in front of their boyfriends--sometimes their boyfriends telling me how to do it well, and 4 girls on me at once with my girlfriend helping.
I would never consider it cheating--and I wouldn't ever be with a woman who would consider it cheating--because to me that would be a sign of massive insecurity.

Thank you FeatherFeet. You said it perfectly!

Is going to a club and dancing with other girls cheating?
And I disagree with the "it's up to your SO what's cheating" because these things are not a one party decision. They can leave you because they were offended by what you did, but it's only cheating if you were breaking an agreement between you--you can't be cheating if you never agreed to something." Your SO can suddenly decide you TALKING to any other girl is cheating--and I don't know anyone in their right mind who would think that (though I have seen it happen to people.)

This is the one thing they refuse to address. I'm talking about the people who believe the SO is the only one to decide what is cheating. They get angry and start throwing in a lot of crap about nudity and bdsm as though that's what tickling is all about.

It's called trust people--if you really can't trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them. If you can trust your partner, then they are still going to be yours despite tickling, dancing with, or talking with other people of the opposite sex (or same sex depending on oreitnation.)

Exactly! This thread could end right here!

Also, the argument "well if you're doing something that turns on the people around you it's cheating" then I woulda had to keep alot of my ex's from walking out of the house--because they'd turn guys on just walking down the street- Many girls would have to never go dancing, never go to the beach, never do plenty of things they love to do--and you can't tell me "well if they know about it then it's wrong!" because what shapely girl who wears a bikini to the beach doesn't know the effect it has on multiple guys? honestly...people really need to chillax and just trust their partners some.
at least that's my stance. and like i said--would NEVER be with someone who thought of tickling as cheating.

Thank you FeatherFeet! You said it perfectly!

 

[dad1]

To me, cheating refers strictly to sexual activity with someone other than your girlfriend, boyfriend, life partner, whatever. That doesn't mean there aren't other things you should think twice about doing. If you know there is something that you just can't accept your partner doing, you really need to bring that up during the onset of your relationship. Too often people just assume it's common knowledge.

I've been in committed long-term relationships before. During any of those times, if a guy friend invited me to do something that wasn't on the current list of no-no's but could still be questionable, I'd simply ask myself how I would feel if my boyfriend did this with another woman. If I could honestly say it wouldn't bother me, then chances are I'd go ahead and accept the invitation.

This strategy has never failed me. None of my past boyfriend's have reacted negatively to anything I've done with my platonic male friends even though tickling was sometimes involved.