It's hard to be myself when dating

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Okay now i have to tell & another person said it as well ( ticklishgiggle ) that making of your syndrom a whole mess before any date, as if the guy only focused on this is plain wrong. Of course it's not easy, but try at least to think positive dammnit ! Many people have more important disabilities and are able to get over them, so why cant' you ? You're not worst than anyone else.

Now another point apart this : you thank people who read your threads, and then are angry cause they try to help you and give you some advices you don't like to hear .... i'm sorry but that's life.

Well I respond nicely to people who are helpful and not say abusive things and act like bullies. It's not that my disability isn't important, all disabilities are, it's just that Hans Asperger's book wasn't translated into German until 1994 in this country as other disabilities have been known in this country anyway for much much longer than that. Try to have some sympathy would you? I don't think that's too much to ask. I am trying to ask for you help and I feel some people are being rude, ignorant about what Asperger Syndrome is, and mean people are not helpful.

I think that when someone expresses their troubles on this forum, people are supposed to be helpful and kind, not rude or obnoxious. Besides, I know plenty of other who express themselves about their troubles and most people are fine with it. To quote Dr. Phil, "Opinions are like buts, everyone has one." I think that I've said all I have to say for now and I understand what everyone is saying so I'll thank everyone to leave this thread alone.

 

[Leo tickles]

I think that when someone expresses their troubles on this forum, people are supposed to be helpful and kind, not rude or obnoxious.

People aren't SUPPOSED to be anything. They aren't being rude or obnoxious. They're telling you like it is, as am I. People are starting to catch on to your waaaaaaaaah feel sorry for me threads. As for the guy, you wouldn't be giving him a chance, he would be giving you one. Must have been a smart guy to run, though the delivery in which he did is I don't agree with.


And anyways, this isn't just to upset you, it's how you are looking at it. May I suggest taking it as "some people aren't going to buy into my pity trips and I need to stop crying and start acting"? Yeah, doesn't seem so offensive now, does it? If it does, it's because it's the truth. Do what you want with it.

And as for the guy, he got rid of you in what I call a pathetic fashion. I personally would have left you something to think about and post on here for months to come.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

People aren't SUPPOSED to be anything. They aren't being rude or obnoxious. They're telling you like it is, as am I. People are starting to catch on to your waaaaaaaaah feel sorry for me threads. As for the guy, you wouldn't be giving him a chance, he would be giving you one. Must have been a smart guy to run, though the delivery in which he did is I don't agree with.


And anyways, this isn't just to upset you, it's how you are looking at it. May I suggest taking it as "some people aren't going to buy into my pity trips and I need to stop crying and start acting"? Yeah, doesn't seem so offensive now, does it? If it does, it's because it's the truth. Do what you want with it.

And as for the guy, he got rid of you in what I call a pathetic fashion. I personally would have left you something to think about and post on here for months to come.

I just want to say this to you Leo and then I will not respond to you any further and I mean it this time! If I ever meet you at NEST or anywhere else, I will more than likely kick you right between your legs! See how you like that you bastard! Also, for the record when two people are dating, it's not like HE'S giving me a chance or that I AM giving him a chance, we are BOTH giving each other a chance! That's how dating works, it's not necessarily anybody's fault. I take it you probably don't date much and if you did have a girlfriend, I would feel VERY SORRY for her!

Just had to say that to you and now I feel much better.

 

[drew70]

I've met and spoken to Jen at the last two NESTs and I see a very attractive lady, both in looks and personality. I see a woman who's intelligent and fun to be with. In my opinion, Jen is a catch, and whatever guy is lucky enough to win her love is a lucky guy indeed.

When I read Jen's posts, I see a woman who is experiencing a lot of frustration, which always breaks my heart, because I really like her and want her to be happy. What I find encouraging is that Jen is dealing with these difficulties in positive ways. I think that talking with us on the forum is good for her. Sharing her frustrations with us is more productive than keeping them bottled up.

We may not have the answers she needs, but at least we can be here for her.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Thanks for your support Drew. You see, that's a good example of what I need and that's encouragement . You are a very sweet guy Drew and thanks for the compliments .

 

[chicago]

I just want to say this to you Leo and then I will not respond to you any further and I mean it this time! If I ever meet you at NEST or anywhere else, I will more than likely kick you right between your legs! See how you like that you bastard! Also, for the record when two people are dating, it's not like HE'S giving me a chance or that I AM giving him a chance, we are BOTH giving each other a chance! That's how dating works, it's not necessarily anybody's fault. I take it you probably don't date much and if you did have a girlfriend, I would feel VERY SORRY for her!

Just had to say that to you and now I feel much better.

You're resorting to threats of violence now? I sure hope none of the people that run gatherings see this.

Doesn't seem like behavior befitting the middle-aged woman Drew described.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Well ticklishgiggle I only do that when I am REALLY ANGRY AT SOMEONE! I don't threaten violence very often. I am entitled to my feelings. I am 35 and I don't think that qualifies as middle aged just yet.

 

[chicago]

Well ticklishgiggle I only do that when I am REALLY ANGRY AT SOMEONE! I don't threaten violence very often. I am entitled to my feelings. I am 35 and I don't think that qualifies as middle aged just yet.

Being really angry at someone doesn't justify telling them you're going to physically hurt them.

Especially when you're 17 years older than that person. Seems rather immature.

 

[Leo tickles]

That's the fire I want to see Jen. But I want to see that fire used on helping yourself overcome your problems, not taken out on other people.


Anyways, kick me in the nuts all you want, but at the end of the day I have an icepack and a memory of hope for tomorrow. All you have is your tears.


And as a quick note, the only gathering I'll show up at is my own if I have one with proper security for EVERYBODY. I've gotten into problems with other people in the chat and have been threatened before. On a similar note, if anybody wants to use the cellphone number in my signature and pay 12 dollars to get my actual house info, I am telling you now that I am not responsible for anything that happens to you while here if you come with bad intent.


Also, you use your emotions to blame everything on everybody but never take responsibility yourself.


That's all I have to say on that, so unless Jen starts bleeding (no offense to other women and the time of month) all over the keyboard again, I'm done here.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

That's the fire I want to see Jen. But I want to see that fire used on helping yourself overcome your problems, not taken out on other people.


Anyways, kick me in the nuts all you want, but at the end of the day I have an icepack and a memory of hope for tomorrow. All you have is your tears.

I want you to know that I have a lot more going on for me than just my tears. What makes you think I was crying anyway? Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. Whatever just get a life .

 

[LindyHopper]

I wish you can understand what I am saying ticklishgiggle. I think before you respond (if you choose to) you should probably do some research on Asperger Syndrome and learn more about it so you don't sound judgmental again.

I'm trying to be helpful here, so I hope you can interpret my comments in that light. What you're saying to TG (and what you've been complaining about throughout this thread), is that people don't understand you and that they should educate themselves on Asperger's so they'll be more sympathetic. You're putting the responsibility for bridging the communication gap on the other person, because you have this "disability." It's an understandable attitude, but not a very helpful one, because as you've seen, most people, in the dating world and otherwise, don't have a reason to make the effort.

People who are socially successful are those who can meet others more than halfway in making a social interaction work. You can lament that your Asperger's only lets you go about 35%, and that you need someone else who can do the other 65%, but that sort of passive attitude won't help you get what you need. You need learn to be the kind of person who can meet someone you're dating at least halfway, which is what you're doing by taking social skills classes and the like.

Finally... I've seen you get rather hostile towards many people on several of these threads of yours. Perhaps... one of the problems with Asperger's is difficultly noticing and interpreting social cues, is it not? Which leads to problems with social interaction? It seems to me that this is what's happening here: from my POV, it looks like most of the people you've gone off on had simply been offering reasonable advice... until you yelled at them. 😱 So, given your Asperger's, and the fact that this disorder may lead you to misinterpret the things that other people say... maybe you should consider giving TG and others the benefit of the doubt before calling them insensitive assholes?

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Well Lindy if you think that people who say that I am a whiny person who doesn't take responsibility for my problems in my life (which isn't true) and anything of the like is useful then no offense but that's really messed. I yelled at them because I felt that they were being mean and most of what you've said is actually fine. Believe it or not, I do have a lot to offer to a relationship and I do try to meet people halfway. If I want to call people names that's my business because I think what people have said like Denver, Ticklishgiggle, tcklft, and Leo are not useful because they are putting me down and not making me feel any better. How can anybody think that those judgmental bastards (except for maybe Ticklishgiggle) are being helpful and useful? I mean they're being obnoxious in my opinion. If you think reasonable advice is being mean and abusive then you've got issues yourself girl and I had every right in the world to yell at them . I mean there's a nice way to help people and just because I ask for help doesn't mean I HAVE to agree with everything everyone says. If you can't understand that, then you have a problem too. I do have problmes recognizing social cues and that's a problem many times for people with Asperger's Syndrome but you obviously can't read body language online.

I also want to add that I am so damn sorry for expressing my troubles on this forum. I am thankful for those who have been nice and useful but for those who have been jerks, I will think twice before I talk about my struggles on here again.

So I've said what I wanted to and I WANT THIS THREAD ENDED NOW. THANK YOU.

 

[Leo tickles]

like Denver, Ticklishgiggle, tcklft, and Leo are not useful because they are putting me down and not making me feel any better.

Because every religions God knows, it's AAAALLLLLL about you.

 

[LindyHopper]

If I want to call people names that's my business because I think what people have said like Denver, Ticklishgiggle, tcklft, and Leo are not useful because they are putting me down and not making me feel any better.

You can call people names if you want - I'm merely suggesting it won't help your problem. The people you listed above weren't trying to make you feel better; they were trying to help you, which sometimes requires doing something other than comforting someone and telling them whatever they want to hear.

How can anybody think that those judgmental bastards (except for maybe Ticklishgiggle) are being helpful and useful? I mean they're being obnoxious in my opinion. If you think reasonable advice is being mean and abusive then you've got issues yourself girl and I had every right in the world to yell at them .

And now you're yelling at me. Read what I said again: most of the folks you're upset with were offering perfectly reasonable advice until you started yelling at them. And then they got hostile right back at you, as people tend to do. I'm not saying they're blameless here, but you need to recognize your role in what happened in this thread if you're ever going to move forward. It's all part of developing skill with social interaction.

Good luck to you. You're going to need it.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Well I am yelling at you because you're supporting people who I felt were being nasty to me. I can't read body language throught the computer and I sent you a PM. You should read it as soon as possible.

 

[Dussicar]

Dussicar sez: Best...thread...EVARz!!!

 

[Fire_Sprite]

I will think twice before I talk about my struggles on here again.

Well then all of this wasn't a waste after all.

 

[LindyHopper]

Well I am yelling at you because you're supporting people who I felt were being nasty to me. I can't read body language throught the computer and I sent you a PM. You should read it as soon as possible.

And I responded, but now your PM box is full. If you'd like to clear out some space, the conversation can proceed.

 

[Strider]

If you keep waiting for some idealized conception of a man that you keep stored in your head to magically appear fully formed, then it's never going to happen. And based on your previous posts on this subject, when it continually fails to happen, you're just going to use your disorder as an excuse, and in doing so, reinforce your own sense of alienation. That's something you have to break out of on your own, and nobody can give you a blueprint on how to do it. All that can be done is to point out that is indeed a huge issue and hope you take it to heart.

I will add one thing to that, which is that if you just try to take something as it goes, you might find it's a lot easier. If, on the first date you ever have with a guy you already find yourself fretting over whether or not the guy is going to 'get' you, then you're already setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

[Bugman]

If you keep waiting for some idealized conception of a man that you keep stored in your head to magically appear fully formed, then it's never going to happen. And based on your previous posts on this subject, when it continually fails to happen, you're just going to use your disorder as an excuse, and in doing so, reinforce your own sense of alienation. That's something you have to break out of on your own, and nobody can give you a blueprint on how to do it.

I will add one thing to that, which is that if you just try to take something as it goes, you might find it's a lot easier. If, on the first date you ever have with a guy you already find yourself fretting over whether or not the guy is going to 'get' you, then you're already setting yourself up for disappointment.

This is the best post in this thread to date.

 

[ReyaFet]

I have a good friend with Aspergers. It's a tough thing, but you are beautiful and should have no trouble finding a date! 🙂 But let me know if you want to talk to him, maybe it would help. He's 25 and a very sweet guy.

 

[locker669]

jen

Have you tried to Google "Asperger syndrome dating?" I found 20,000 matches. I didn't click on them but I'm sure you could find some helpful information. I think a forum for Aspergers Syndrome would be able to help you more than this one. Or you might try to keep a journal and just write everything down and read it the week after. What you think on Monday might not be the same on Sunday.

You are asking a question on an internet forum which anyone with an internet connection and a login for this website can answer you. You may not like the answers, but no one is (was) saying anything to deliberately hurt you. You shouldn't take something you percieve as an attack personally. And answering the way you did doesn't help you either.

 

[Capnmad]

If you keep waiting for some idealized conception of a man that you keep stored in your head to magically appear fully formed, then it's never going to happen. And based on your previous posts on this subject, when it continually fails to happen, you're just going to use your disorder as an excuse, and in doing so, reinforce your own sense of alienation. That's something you have to break out of on your own, and nobody can give you a blueprint on how to do it. All that can be done is to point out that is indeed a huge issue and hope you take it to heart.

I will add one thing to that, which is that if you just try to take something as it goes, you might find it's a lot easier. If, on the first date you ever have with a guy you already find yourself fretting over whether or not the guy is going to 'get' you, then you're already setting yourself up for disappointment.

An honest critique, well thought-out and civil, without insult, taunt or attitude. Bravo.




Let's remember The Golden Rule as stated by the Admin:

The Golden Rule

If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.



This doesn't mean that people can't disagree with other people, but it does mean that everyone who wishes to post here is required to go out of their way to make sure that they are being constructive and positive.

(Emphasis mine.) I dare say much of this thread fails to meet that bar. Think before you post, people.

 

[Lea28]

Jen....

I just want to also say to you alf that it's hard to forget that I have this social disability. I mean it doesn't define me but it's a major part of who I am and what ever guy I am dating either has to accept it or not.

Jen, you are very brave and very cool. I admire u soooo much... pls just be happy and be so thankful that you are who you are... you are special, and that makes all the difference.... i work in a hospital, am not stranger to "challenges" and u seem to glide over them...

I admire you.

Lea

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

I just have to add this to this thread...

An honest critique, well thought-out and civil, without insult, taunt or attitude. Bravo.




Let's remember The Golden Rule as stated by the Admin:



(Emphasis mine.) I dare say much of this thread fails to meet that bar. Think before you post, people.

I know I said a while back that I didn't want to comment anymore on this thread but I just have to add my concluding thoughts to this thread. I do think that most people on this thread gave me very good advice and I'll thank them for giving it to me in a NICE manner. As for those that I got mad at that I either got mad at them on the thread or sent them mad private messages, I think that there were a few people who started out giving me okay advice. However, my problem was that even though someone may say something like this is going sound harsh it doesn't make it better when you in fact ARE being harsh. I take advice MUCH BETTER when people give me advice in the nicest possible way. Now I know that sometimes that's easier said than done and I have been guilty of it myself but we should ALL try to say things in a nice way. It's like Capnmad said, please remember the Golden Rule that people are SUPPOSED to follow on this thread.

Just try to remember people, it's not just what you say, it's HOW you say it that will motivate people to want to change. It's like the saying goes you attract more bees with honey. Being sweet more than not will more than likely get you a better response.