Jealous lers or lees

[brianspencer66]

Are you apologizing for starting the thread Brian? If you are, it's not necessary. You asked a valid question. I realize it's an emotion most people experience, I'm the weirdo for "not getting it." So no sweat, ok? I've been loudmouthed and opinionated since I was about three, no harm done a'tall. You'll get used to it, all my friends here have...
XOXO

Many thanks

 

[steph]

Anytime babe! 😛
XOXO

Many thanks

 

[tklcouple]

Some great points

Everybody here has had some great points in my opinion. Please allow me to contribute my $0.02, from a very happily married man.

I think Steph's expression of jealousy as a "wasted" emotion is the expression of an ideal. Ideally we would never be jealous and should all work toward that goal by finding whatever parameters we and our partner are comfortable with and living life fully within those. These are clearly variable from one individual to another and one couple to another. That said, Tidas's assertion that jealousy is real, is well . . . reality. Even if we do not feel this ourselves, we must be EXQUISITELY sensitive to that feeling in others - especially our partner. It is a sickening and nightmarish feeling that no human being should have to endure. That said, like all forms of pain WE as individuals decide how we will deal with that pain and how we will respond to our partners regardless of which "end of the stick" we find ourselves on, so to speak. Love can conquer all if we stick to it as our first priority value and our weapon to conquer jealousy and all forms of emotional pain.

The one thing you will notice about all of the reponses above is that jealousy is about a breech of trust and expectations. If this occurs in your relationship then a well communicated set of expectations needs to be expressed, as without this your significant other cannot know what you expect of them. It is not rediculous to do this in writing, as writing provides clarity, consistency, and a certain thinking process which may chase away conflicting presumptions. Some have said that their understanding is no tickling others, period - that is a clearly communicated expectation. Others have said as long as they are present and can "veto" a tickle session that such play is just fine. Others (not necessarily responding to this thread) have a completely open relationship. And the varieties go on and on.

Bottom line - it's not about tickling, it's about trust, expectations, and communication.

Just my $0.02,

Professor Tkl​

 

[natural tickler]

Everybody here has had some great points in my opinion. Please allow me to contribute my $0.02, from a very happily married man.

I think Steph's expression of jealousy as a "wasted" emotion is the expression of an ideal. Ideally we would never be jealous and should all work toward that goal by finding whatever parameters we and our partner are comfortable with and living life fully within those. These are clearly variable from one individual to another and one couple to another. That said, Tidas's assertion that jealousy is real, is well . . . reality. Even if we do not feel this ourselves, we must be EXQUISITELY sensitive to that feeling in others - especially our partner. It is a sickening and nightmarish feeling that no human being should have to endure. That said, like all forms of pain WE as individuals decide how we will deal with that pain and how we will respond to our partners regardless of which "end of the stick" we find ourselves on, so to speak. Love can conquer all if we stick to it as our first priority value and our weapon to conquer jealousy and all forms of emotional pain.

The one thing you will notice about all of the reponses above is that jealousy is about a breech of trust and expectations. If this occurs in your relationship then a well communicated set of expectations needs to be expressed, as without this your significant other cannot know what you expect of them. It is not rediculous to do this in writing, as writing provides clarity, consistency, and a certain thinking process which may chase away conflicting presumptions. Some have said that their understanding is no tickling others, period - that is a clearly communicated expectation. Others have said as long as they are present and can "veto" a tickle session that such play is just fine. Others (not necessarily responding to this thread) have a completely open relationship. And the varieties go on and on.

Bottom line - it's not about tickling, it's about trust, expectations, and communication.

Just my $0.02,

Professor Tkl​

two cents well spent.

Longfellow, couldn't have said it better

 

[penny lane]

I wish I could claim some higher moral reason for not wanting my SO to tickle another woman, but truth is I'd be jealous as hell. It would probably be the end of the relationship.

 

[slap'n'ticklee]

I can only say that for me and my situation with my 'ler whom I love dearly, if he wanted to tickle another gal then I wouldn't be best pleased as I know its sexual for him. I wouldn't want him to be getting excited over another gal like that, especially as he would be touching her too.

If he wanted to tickle another gal and with me watching, I still don't think I could do it. If it wasn't a sexual thing then I don't know maybe I could deal with it better.

To me our tickle play is intimate and between the two of us and no one else.

 

[Tidas]

'Can't speak for Tidas, so I'm not. Just suggesting that there's an alternative reaction aside from him being offended, or you having touched a nerve with him. His reaction may not be emotional at all, but utter disbelief. I mean, it's not every day you get to meet a Vulcan. 😉

Hey, different people are wired differently, and within that wiring there are different aptitudes for exerting control over oneself and one's destiny (according to my assessment of things). Steph, you sound like you lucked out genetically, being able to go through life without envy. Excellent!

Only problem is, in the bulk of people, the rational side often has a struggle with the emotional side, believe it or not. They can't "decide" they're not jealous, any more than they can "decide" to be happy, sad, angry, bitter or in or out of love. They can take measures to attenuate such feelings, often to the degree that they have little to no outward manifestation, but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't real or aren't there. One can say to themselves, "well this is a pointless emotion" and take a course of action to distract or guide oneself away from it -- indeed one that may work -- but it doesn't mean the feeling never existed.

So anyway...

Steph, you seem like a lovely, intelligent, mature woman, and one it would probably do me good getting to know. At the same time, if you didn't evoke an emotional response before, surely this time the post looks designed to get one... When you assume someone is acting out of emotion, and then proceed to invalidate those emotions by calling them "wasted" or "pointless" (plus, presuming to hold yourself above them in the following paragraph by explaining how very above emotion you are), well, I don't know, but it seems like you just might be looking for a reaction. ...not that a heated outburst by Tidas at this point wouldn't help pull supporters from his side, were this an actual debate or one worth merit -- it's a good strategy -- still, you seem to be baiting him a bit. On the plus side, however, you wrote this:

Overlooking the matronly lecturer tone, it's true enough. And learning and understanding are the keys to solving most issues.



Tidas. You started the lecturer tone, here. You don't have the right to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't believe. Mind you, I'm pretty sure you know that, and I don't think that you were trying to do that necessarily, as much as impress upon Steph the fact that regardless of whether or not she has jealousy herself, someone else's jealousy will impact her sooner or later, plus you were trying to set apart your own feeling of jealousy from materialistic jealousy. Fair enough. Do you and Elfriend live some distance apart and therefore have to spend lengthy times away from each other (when school's not in session, I'm guessing)? If so, then I'd agree that what you describe may constitute a sort of jealousy, if guys nearby or with more resources or other opportunities you don't have are hitting on her. It's not just the simple disrespect of others for your relationship that irks you, but in caring about the girl, you envy those who have opportunities to see her when you can't (--who are in closer physical proximity even in the off-time, probably), and sometimes that's not easily soluable with a "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" approach. Things may be a shade more complicated, especially with money and college issues... Perfectly understandable. And I suspect also it's not a matter of if you "trust your girlfriend" -- I suspect you do -- but it's a matter of if you trust the guys hitting on her, and most people in your shoes would not, and for good reason.

But just back to the point -- I don't think you were meaning to tell others what they should or shouldn't believe, but the wording is oh so important here on the 'net, where words are all we have to go by, and some people can take offense to that sort of approach, especially when "You should" are the first words you put down. So, kindly consider that the next time you post.

In all sincerity to both you, Steph, and you, Tidas, I think you're pretty cool people from what I've seen of your postings, I hope I'm cool with both of you, and don't think there's really any need for even testiness here between the two of you. And I think your points are made.

If you want to be testy, though, that's cool. Just get get along with each other and you can direct your ire towards me. I just call 'em like I seem 'em, and I deal with the anger of others regularly. 🙂

Well, now that in my sleep deprivation, I've rambled on and stuck my head in where it doesn't belong, I'm just gonna' jump back here in this ol' pot of water and turn the heat up to "BOIL"... 😀

All the best, y'all.

Thank you Cap'n, you interpreted nearly perfectly what I was trying to say. I wasn't at all presuming to tell anyone how they should be, simply trying to put out there that people are different and that's pretty much how life rolls. I guess I must have seemed heated (...WHOA!!....way to diffuse Capn....(tickles tips her hat to the Capn)....I thought we were gonna have us a "RUMBLE" on the TMF!....as always..OXOX --tickles) and going back and reading what I wrotes i can see exactly why it seemed that way. I wasn't then and am not now. People have their opinions, and that is perfectly fine...i'm a pretty opinionated little shit myself. I am a pretty young person, but I've had my share of life experiences that most people my age have not, and may never have. I know people are assholes sometimes, i am a bartender after all, and I have long since learned to accept that fact as unchangeable and the anger that results is certainly wasted. I am happy for you, Steph, that you have the ability to let things slide like that (Wu Wei and all for the Taoists out there...) and I hope you hold on to that, it is a rare gift. Cap'n, thanks again, and you are always cool with me man. Thank you TMF, goodnight.

 

[drew70]

It seems to me that the people who have problems with jealousy over ticking are those for whom tickling is part of their sexual relationship. On this forum, the percentage of people who get jealous over ticking is pretty high, but if you were to poll a random cross-section of vanilla people, I expect that percentage would drop radically.

I personally would not be jealous of my wife giving or receiving tickling from somebody else. When it comes to people and relationships, I'm just not a big believer in ownership and territory, which is really what jealousy boils down to.

 

[sole seeker]

I don't beleive in jealousy, I have no idea what it feels like. It's one of those what I call "wasted" emotions. It serves no purpose. Why waste your time wanting what someone else has? You're never going to be them, no matter how hard you try, so get off your butt and go get for yourself in YOUR OWN SHOES.
XOXO

In my opinion that is a very emotionally mature point of view. Impressive.

I strive to feel that way myself... with mixed results. But then again, if I didn't have anything to work on improving, I'd never be able to feel the satisfaction of personal growth.

 

[steph]

I am happy for you, Steph, that you have the ability to let things slide like that (Wu Wei and all for the Taoists out there...) and I hope you hold on to that, it is a rare gift.

Thank you for that Tidas, I plan on keeping that quality... 😉 I don't kid myself that it makes me any better than anyone else, it just makes me different. I've always been a bit of an odd bird, why should this be any different, yanno?

And thanks to you too Drew that's EXACTLY how I feel, it's not a big deal to me. I don't know why it doesn't bother me, it just doesn't.

Thanks to you too sole seeker! I've got plenty to improve on personally, beleive you me darlin'...
XOXO

 

[Redmage]

From my POV, the only problem with this setup is the "behind my back" part. There have been times when friends of mine have done a lot more than just tickle my partners, and times when I've actively arranged for this to happen. As long as everything is above board, I see no problems with it.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Since I am currently in a relationship, I wouldn't be jealous if another girl tickled my boyfriend & I am sure that he wouldn't be jealous if another guy tried to tickle me. I mean as long as it's all platonic, it's fine.