Jokes

[sole seeker]

A Little Johnny Joke...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.




Is anybody out there?

 

[sole seeker]

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little, this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replies, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation
because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to
keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want
anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her
operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought
I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry,"
he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt
bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one
is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had
the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the
burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

 

[sole seeker]

You said it brother!

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. Wasting no time, the chicken gets into the farmer's Mercedes and drives it as fast as possible back to the mud hole. Upon her return, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then tosses the other end of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer's Mercedes.

The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, "Reach up and grab my schlong and pull yourself up!" And the chicken did so, and pulled herself up to safety.

The Moral of the Story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

[Krokus]

Hm?

Was my joke deleted?

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Great jokes guys 🙂
How about some OxyMoron?

Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Found missing

Resident alien

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing

Near miss

Great depression

Canadian army

Phone sex

United nations

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Death benefits

Airline Food

Women's rights

Good grief

Same difference

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Part 2 of OxyMorons

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Good kid

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

New and improved

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Things To Ponder



1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF....


You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."

You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.

You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

DON'T PISS OFF MOTHER NATURE!!!


There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

more things to Ponder

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

I am sitting up with my Mother who is staying with us due to breaking a hip. I have share some of the jokes with her.

more things to Ponder:
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

SUICIDAL GRANDMA


Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart wouldbe just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

 

[ticklemebreezy]

The cowboy way...

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about
>> their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I
>> enjoy the rodeo
>> position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard
>> of that one," says the
>> other cowboy, "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get
>> your girlfriend down
>> on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you
>> reach around and
>> cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper
>> in her ear, "Boy, these
>> feel just like your sister's. " Then you try to hold
>> on for 8 seconds.

 

[amk714]

Great joke, Breezy! 😀 OK, here's one I hope hasn't been posted yet:

Ice Cream Cone

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

"None," replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

I've got a new one....

Why is gay guy always the first person out of a natural disaster???

Because he's got his sh** packed!!!

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Re: Man's Companion!

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

🙂 TF I like that one😉

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Great joke, Breezy! 😀 OK, here's one I hope hasn't been posted yet:

Ice Cream Cone

Good one Alex, and I don't think I've seen it before 🙂

Tracy

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

SUICIDAL GRANDMA

TF that was a good one 🙂

A man walks into a bar and there's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, and they sit and have a drink together, and she leans over and says, "I want you to make me feel like a real woman." So he takes off his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."

Tracy

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

I've got a new one....

Why is gay guy always the first person out of a natural disaster???

Because he's got his sh** packed!!!

😀 Anutter good one 😉

I got one for you...
This duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get for you?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we serve beer and whiskey and stuff like that." The duck says, "O.K." and he leaves.

Tracy

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Wait! I goodfed! LOL

😀 Anutter good one 😉

I got one for you...
This duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get for you?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we serve beer and whiskey and stuff like that." The duck says, "O.K." and he leaves.

Tracy

Dang it, I should have proof read before I sent it.
Here's the whole thing! Sorry

~~~This duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get for you?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we serve beer and whiskey and stuff like that." The duck says, "O.K." and he leaves.
The next day, the same duck comes in, hops up on the stool and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender say, "No--I've told you two days in a row that we don't have any grapes. You come in here again, and I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck leaves.

The very next day, the same duck comes back into the bar and says, "Got any nails?" And the bartender says, "No, why?" And the duck says, "Got any grapes?" ~~~

Tracy