Marriage Issues (my rant)

[mustangtickler]

Hello everyone. I didnt have another forum to voice this, but I feel I need to write out my feelings. You are welcome to reply to it, or course.

A lil bit about me.. I have been married for 12 years and we have 3 children together. I got out of the army after I came back from Iraq because of PTSD.. actually got a medical discharge for it. I am recieving social security benefits and some VA compensation, had to get a lawyer to handle my appeal for unemployability. Anyhow, my issues are pretty much under control with medications and counseling. My wife, on the other hand has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 2. And I think she hates me. She resents the whole experience of the military career thing, and doesent seem to have a positive thing to say about anyone or anything. She flys off the handle at me and our kids for apparantly no reason. 2 months ago, I would just let her do it and not say anything because I have PTSD and I may not be in the right frame of mind. But now that I am standing up for myself and for them it infuriates her even more. I will defend myself against comments that are malicious and not let her get away with it. This has brought constant arguing to my house.

Tickling and the fetish actually doesent play a part in this argument series either. There is no tickling in my life right now and thats fine with me. Anyway, Lately ive been kinda wishing that she would try to kick me out like she has several times before. I am feelin kinda fed up with everything and if the rest of my life has to be like this, I dont think I can do it. Ive tried talking to her about it and, you guessed it, she gets upset and blames it on my PTSD and that I am the only one with a problem here. Im just getting really frustrated with the whole process. The problem also is that she stays up late at night after I go to bed and plays on her computer, coming to bed around 5am, and she wont get up til about 1pm. She doesent work and says its because she is bipolar.. She doesent have enough work credits to apply for disability and has no insurance either. I feel like shes only staying with me because my disability is bringing in $3,000 a month and we are somewhat secure. I worry about a custody battle if a split happens because she has nothing, and im not going to pay alimony from my service connected injury compensation. Maybe its selfishness, but I am the one that was injured physically and mentally, and I dont feel that shes entitled to that for herself. I dont mind payin child support, but the VA won't garnish it because the money is for me to live off of due to my disability. She wont go and work. Im just at my wits end here and dont know what to do. I see my therapist next week and im going to talk to him in detail about it too. See, she wants to do marriage counseling, and we have in the past.. but she gets pissed off as soon as the counselor seems to side with me and doesent think the things shes complaining about is all that serious enough to cause as much of a disruption as she is putting up. she wants to see one that will listen to her and tell her that the things she is doing is okay.
thats all i got. i look forward to some replys.

thanks

 

[QBWeaver]

First... Thank you! Thank you for your service that unfortunatly ended up putting you in the dangers of Iraq. I can only imagine what you went through. Please know that I am one of millions of Americans who appreciate what you did for us over there.

Second - I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your wife wants a therapist who only sees her side of it. I bet, if you are getting a good therapist, that the therapist will not take sides but will just tell it like it is. If she has a problem, the therapist will let her know. And vice versa. Unfortunately your wife hasn't seen that she might really have a problem.

Hopefully with time, especially now that she's on medication, she's start to come out of her bipolar "fog" and see that it takes two to work on a marriage. Both parties have to take steps towards fixing the problems. It sounds like you've taken some good steps forward. Hopefully she will start the trek towards resolving these also.

With all you've gone through and with her bipolar disorder it might seem unsurmountable. Marriage Counseling, therapy and medication can do wonders to help get you both on track together.

I wish you all the best.

 

[drew70]

First, I can't thank you enough for your service to our country. It's people like yourself that defend freedom and democracy that are the true heros in this world.

But yeah, that's a real mess on your hands all right. If not for the kids, I'd just say to kick her to the curb and be done with her. Sound harsh? Maybe. But she's blaming your PTSD for your marital problems, while her problem is sufficient reason not to get a job. She not only refuses to pull her weight as far as bringing in finances, but she refuses to own up to her share of the marital problems.

But I can't recommend kicking her to the curb when there's children involved who will suffer. I think you're doing the right thing in finally standing up to her. She needs to know you won't tolerate her shit any more. I'm not advocating violence of any kind but rather a staunch refusal to accept her vitriolic comments.

Also, if you're always bending over to try and make her feel better or to avoid pissing her off, I would stop doing that. Show a little indifference and apathy instead. Let her earn your good treatment of her. Condition her so that she understands that if she wants favorable treatment from you, she's going to have to put forth some effort as well.

Another thing that occurs to me is that if she could get and keep a job, that might do wonders toward improving her attitude. She may have some self esteem issues. There are bipolar people in nearly all walks of life. There is treatment available. There's no reason to let that stop her from working.

 

[Lord Doctor]

Depression of any kind is horrible.

My danger in replying here is saying the wrong thing.

Sorry to hear about what you're both going through.

May I ask? has your wife been presrcibed any medication, is she taking it, and have you both checked out the side effects?

Sometimes the pills need changing in which case she needs to get back to her doctor.

 

[steph]

UGH, what a mess. Firstly I thank you for your service, I echo QB and Drew.

Second, was she ALWAYS like this? Please forgive me, I'm truly not trying to attack but 12 years together and 3 kids is a LOT to invest in someone you portray as so awful, something once had to be good about this for you to have taken it this far~what was it and is there any glimmer of it left?

FWIW, my occupation: I've worked for one of the nation's most respected hospitals for the last 8 years. I help patients with no private funding or who are on county program to get permanent disability benefits if I feel they meet the criteria. I encounter MANY bipolar patients who lead successful productive lives. I think we need more information from you.
XOXO

 

[Bohemianne]

Encourage her to attend aerobics or swimming maybe it will perk her up, or just a new activity; otherwise, you have to take a vacation for a while.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Bipolar II

There has been more than one episode of severe depression, but only mild manic episodes – these are called ‘hypomania’.


If this is what your wife is experiencing then I feel it is safe to say, that normal defusing, relaxation techniques are not going to work with her.

And the fact that you, in your own right are suffering from PTSD are not in the complete right frame of mind as well. If one wishes to rectify the situation I would suggest continuance with the counseling..both individually and as a couple.


I think maybe too, it needs to be reinforced that you two are individuals as well as a team.. The personal aspects as to why her atittude is the way it is about working, and whether she is/acting like she is 'leeching' off of you are unfortunetly a bit difficult for me to offer an opinion about.

However, My brother has been through the ins and outs of ManicDepression/BiPolarism and ect.. Hopefully a little of this information will help you..and I wish you good luck getting everything back on track..

Hypomania: A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do.

Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions.

Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide.

 

[mustangtickler]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your generous replies.
Yes, she is taking medication.. 250 miligrams of lamictal along with .5 mg of clonazepam and some ambien to help her sleep.
In regards to when this started, things were good until about a year and a half ago when she woke up and was acting like she had a stroke.. she couldnt move her left side and her speech was all messed up. we called 911 and long story made short, she had a psychotic episode A.K.A. nervous breakdown. Thats when she got treatment. Let me also add that she is an "earthbound angel" 😀 the title for menengitus survivors. When she had our second child, she developed bacterial spinal menengitus and almost died. Yeah, weve been through alot together. I still love her very much, but just needed to vent and rant about it i suppose.
But she really hadnt been the same since the menengitus that almost took her out. She was in an isolation room for 2 weeks and still doesent remember the month surrounding the birth of our son.
Again, Thank you all for your replies, and thanks for not flaming me 😀

 

[Lord Doctor]

If this is still going on, then the pills probably aren't working.
She needs to go back to the doctor, although I understand that she may not want to.

It is hard when people have a "mental condition" and/or a stress related condition. With help, support and time, it is possible to get through this, but it will be very, very hard.

 

[the wiz]

I have a friend who was in the Army for almost 20 years; he left the military on a medical discharge as a Staff Sergeant. His situation is similar to yours; he had 5 kids at the time of his divorce. His ex-wife tried to go after his disability and found out that she could not because if was disability payments and not from his petition.

As for the custody battle; both of you are in the same boat. However, the law favors the woman over the man when it comes to custody of the kids. I would advise you to contact a lawyer and get their opinion of what your rights are according to the laws in your state.
Again, my condolences for your situation

 

[steph]

I concur in spades.
I'm not technically a doctor (yet) but since you seem to be able to track this "change" in her personality to her meningitis battle, this is screaming to me of a neurological issue. Please tell me she has a good neuro and has had a recent workup. I don't want to scare you but this could be indicative of a much bigger problem. Please? I know we don't know each other but will you do this for me? For your kids and your wife?
XOXO

If this is still going on, then the pills probably aren't working.
She needs to go back to the doctor, although I understand that she may not want to.

 

[jj82277]

Thank you

Thank you so much fior your service. I am sorry that this has to hapen to sch a courageous person or anyone for that matter. These issues are the hardest in the world to work out, but it can be done. I just know that inside you you have the ability to knock down all the obstacles and get throuhg it if you choose to. God be with you man.