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More Jokes

L

luv2bt&tickled

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Sep 30, 2002
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Runny Noodle

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything. About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."


:wow:
 
A cumcumber and a pickle

"A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the
pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks.
Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings
over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says," yeah,
you think that's bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they
slice me up and they put me over salad." A penis happens to be
walking by and overhears their conversation and says, " you
think that your life is tough?? Whenever I get big, fat and
juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark
smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!""



🙂
 
Ohhhhhh, Traaaaaaaaacy!!

I'm comin' ta get youuuuuuu!!

Cheers.😀
 
a cucumber , pickle, and penis that talks AND complains?
I just don't know what to say.😕

Drew😉
 
Hey Drew,

TicklingDuo said:
a cucumber , pickle, and penis that talks AND complains?
I just don't know what to say.
Click to expand...


Do you think the guy attached to that penis might be the one who started the expression, "All you ever do is piss and moan"?
 
Superman was feeling bored

Superman was feeling bored after a long week-end of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go out to a club and pick up some girls, but Batman said that Robin was ill and he had to stay in and look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers, but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw her laying naked on the bed with her legs wide open.

Superman thot to himself, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could go in, have sex, and come out again and she would never know what happened". So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happy with himself.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear something?" and the invisible man replied "No, but my ass hurts like hell!!!"
:wow:
 
There are teachers, and then there are educators...

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 
Re: There are teachers, and then there are educators...

sole seeker said:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.




Click to expand...
I would have made the young ladies clean not only the mirrors but the whole bathroom! See how they like cleaning toilets! :wow:
 
One night two gentlemen are in a bar having a couple drinks. After about 20 minutes, the first man looks at the second and says, "I slept with your mother!" The other gentleman just sits there drinking his beer. After about another 20 minutes, the first man works up some more liquid courage, looks at the second and repeats: "I slept with your mother!" Again, the second man doesn't react. So the first goes back to his drink, but five minutes later, the first man, furious, slings his drink across the room and screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!"
The second man sighed and said, "Dad, I think it's time to go home."

Muehahaha!!😀 😀 😀
 
All of these jokes are pretty damn funny! I enjoyed them. Thanks Tracy, sole seeker, and Alex W! 🙂
 
Alex, always my pleasure. I have some more, but wanted to wait and let others add theirs. I don't won't to hog it.
The others that have posted some jokes are funny as hell, thanks guys!

FT actually started the first one, there are a good many there to check out,a lot of humor at that thread. 😀
*hugs*
 
An Attempt to rehash the thread

> For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
> sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
> But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
>
> Here's why:
> The population of this country is 273 million.
> 140 million are retired.
> That leaves 133 million to do the work.
>
> There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
>
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
> leaving 19 million to do the work.
> 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the
> Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
> Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
>
> At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving
> 1,212,000 to do the work.
>
> Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
> That leaves just two people to do the work.
>
> You and me.
>
> And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading
> jokes.
>
> Nice, real nice.
 
Last edited:
Good friends

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks true friendship and truth itself!

Friend, When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got some.

When you are scared, ...I will tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't ant what you've got.

When you fall, ...I will try to keep from laughing.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you ask? Because you're my
friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends then get depressed because you
realize you only have 2, and one of them is not speaking to you right now.

And always remember:

A friend will help you move.

A really good friend will help you move a body
 
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
>stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in
>the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promised
>to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
>to the ball, but only on two conditions.
>
>"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
>"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by
>2:00a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into
>a pumpkin." Cinderella
>agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour
>comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
>Finally,at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love
>struck and very satisfied.
>
>"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
>"Yourdiaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
>three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
> He took care of everything."
>The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with
>that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella
>replied, I can't remember, exactly, .. Peter, Peter,
>something or other..."
 
Worth reading!
When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

Have a nice week folks and remember, there is always someone with a
worse job than yours.
 
sarlox said:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

Have a nice week folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
Click to expand...


Great Post Lox!! You wrote it up very well too.

Thanks for the laugh :blaugh:
 
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little George, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little George could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Jane, called Little George's mother and said, "Esther, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Esther replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Jane, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary.
 
The Cemetary

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old
pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one
for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. "One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls." The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. 😀
 
Re: The Cemetary

JoBelle said:
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old
pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one
for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. "One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls." The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. 😀
Click to expand...
LOL that was funny Joby.....can't you just imagine the old man just getting it to town! LOL 😀
 
My I Love Bowling LOL

I Love Bowling!

Dear Mom,

I am so excited. I met this terrific guy at church last Sunday and
he's taught me everything there is to know about bowling... and is
it a fun game!

First he took me to his apartment to see his ten pin. This puzzled
me at first as I thought bowling had something to do with ten pins
not one ten-pin. He said it was best to begin with one; but I could
try 10 later when I was experienced.

He asked if I would like to polish his ten-pin and balls. I said
sure so he took them out for me to see. Mom, he has the nicest
little bowling bag with 2 balls in it...but he didn't want me to take
them out of the bag. I looked around for a cloth to polish with but
couldn't find any. He said I could just use my tongue and I did.
As soon as I started that his ten-pin got super hard and big...I
wondered if it would be fun to suck on and it was! he started
moaning, though, so I had to stop. He told me to go ahead please as
that was the best way to get the polish out. So I licked and I
sucked and he moaned and I sucked. Suddenly my mouth was filled with
his polish. I was so excited I swallowed the polish, but he didn't
mind, he said we could make more after a few minutes.

Then he said that I had a few bowling features, too---how come you
and daddy never told me about them? He showed me my reset buttons on
my chest and my very own bowling alley...and I didn't even know what
they were for! He started playing with my reset buttons, first with
his hands, then his tongue, then his hands, his tongue...I tried to
lay still for him but my body started writhing around and I started
moaning too...ooh it felt good!

Then he checked out my alley and said he would eat a little before
he threw a strike. When he started eating I nearly died! My eyes
were crossing and my toes curled up so tight they hurt...but felt
good too! My whole body was electrified with excitement, every muscle
trembled at once!

He had finished his snack, but I was now hungry so I started to go
after his special polish. I licked one ball and then the other. I
took his ten-pin deep into my mouth and started to suck. But he
said to stop. He wanted to polish my alley with his ten-pin. I
thought my alley had been polished pretty well already but I wasn't
going to tell him, cuz I was ready for more. He thrust his hot hard
pin deep into my alley and literally took my breath away for a
momment. Then he started thrusting again and again. I LOVED it ! My
whole body started to go crazy again! I was squirming and writhing
underneath him while he worked and I felt like I was spinning higher
and higher. I knew I was moaning and yelling, but I couldn't stop.
It was so intense! He took me up, up, up to somewhere I've never
been before...and I aim to go back again!

He said he'd take me there as often as I wanted; but he needed a
little rest first.

Well mom, I really enjoyed bowling with him. But I just don't
understand. Why do some people think bowling is dull?

with love,

Virginia.
 
Re: My I Love Bowling LOL

BettyBoop2002 said:
I Love Bowling!

Dear Mom,

I am so excited. I met this terrific guy at church last Sunday and
he's taught me everything there is to know about bowling... and is
it a fun game!

First he took me to his apartment to see his ten pin. This puzzled
me at first as I thought bowling had something to do with ten pins
not one ten-pin. He said it was best to begin with one; but I could
try 10 later when I was experienced.

He asked if I would like to polish his ten-pin and balls. I said
sure so he took them out for me to see. Mom, he has the nicest
little bowling bag with 2 balls in it...but he didn't want me to take
them out of the bag. I looked around for a cloth to polish with but
couldn't find any. He said I could just use my tongue and I did.
As soon as I started that his ten-pin got super hard and big...I
wondered if it would be fun to suck on and it was! he started
moaning, though, so I had to stop. He told me to go ahead please as
that was the best way to get the polish out. So I licked and I
sucked and he moaned and I sucked. Suddenly my mouth was filled with
his polish. I was so excited I swallowed the polish, but he didn't
mind, he said we could make more after a few minutes.

Then he said that I had a few bowling features, too---how come you
and daddy never told me about them? He showed me my reset buttons on
my chest and my very own bowling alley...and I didn't even know what
they were for! He started playing with my reset buttons, first with
his hands, then his tongue, then his hands, his tongue...I tried to
lay still for him but my body started writhing around and I started
moaning too...ooh it felt good!

Then he checked out my alley and said he would eat a little before
he threw a strike. When he started eating I nearly died! My eyes
were crossing and my toes curled up so tight they hurt...but felt
good too! My whole body was electrified with excitement, every muscle
trembled at once!

He had finished his snack, but I was now hungry so I started to go
after his special polish. I licked one ball and then the other. I
took his ten-pin deep into my mouth and started to suck. But he
said to stop. He wanted to polish my alley with his ten-pin. I
thought my alley had been polished pretty well already but I wasn't
going to tell him, cuz I was ready for more. He thrust his hot hard
pin deep into my alley and literally took my breath away for a
momment. Then he started thrusting again and again. I LOVED it ! My
whole body started to go crazy again! I was squirming and writhing
underneath him while he worked and I felt like I was spinning higher
and higher. I knew I was moaning and yelling, but I couldn't stop.
It was so intense! He took me up, up, up to somewhere I've never
been before...and I aim to go back again!

He said he'd take me there as often as I wanted; but he needed a
little rest first.

Well mom, I really enjoyed bowling with him. But I just don't
understand. Why do some people think bowling is dull?

with love,

Virginia.
Click to expand...
That is funny Destiny! LOL Good one! Thanks for sharing
 
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