HELP please. I posted several months ago about finding out about my husband's tickle and feet interest and my desire to indulge this for him. It has been a disaster. We had a few "sessions" and i thought they went well.,, Until I discovered that he had been PM'ing back and forth with another member here about meeting up. (He had set the acct. email to my email years earlier, so when they began exchanging messages, the notifications came to my email acct). He told her more in 2 days about his desires/interests than he has told me in over 20 yrs. he told her that I tried, but I "faked it and that just killed it". Said that "My wife is ticklish, but not in the spots that interest me". He never spoke to me about this, never tried other methods. he just assumed I'm a mind reader and decided he would go outside our marriage. He set up a mtg with her at a hotel, and I showed up early. He was shocked to say the least. We do not have any sort of open marriage, have never been with other people...that is not remotely ok. She never came, I PM'ed her before I showed up to let her know it might not be the party she was expecting. He expressed sorrow and swore it was a momentary lapse. I found out today that he made another user name/acct here and messaged her again. I am heartbroken. I've done everything to try and participate. he's never actually told me what he likes, I've asked hundreds of times, he refuses to discuss with me. Why would he want to do this with a stranger when his attractive, petite, wife with beautiful feet was willing to do this with him? I don't understand. He was going to cheat on me to satisfy this desire without even giving me a chance.
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Need serious help understanding
- Thread starter Aleah
- Start date
Aleah, I'm sorry about what you are going through.
I see several problems here. One lapse in a situation like this is bad enough. Sometimes people screw up, and have a momentary fall from the moral path.
Two things bother me about this situation. 1. That your husband messaged the other girl a second time, after his initial mistake of contact with her. 2. That he refuses to discuss this with you. He should be able to discuss this with you, as you're his wife.
Honestly, it sounds to me as if you need to have a very open and frank discussion with him. What he is doing is a betrayal of your feelings, and your marriage.
I would suggest perhaps seeking counesling with him. Sometimes, a professional impartial third party, can help with laying all issues on the table, and sorting everything out. Two primary issues seem to be glaring here. One, why he is not willing to discuss this with you, his wife, and two, why he is still messaging other women, when you are willing to accomadate his needs with this interest.
I hope my suggestion is helpful. Good Luck. I truly hope you can resolve your situation with your husband.
Mitch
I see several problems here. One lapse in a situation like this is bad enough. Sometimes people screw up, and have a momentary fall from the moral path.
Two things bother me about this situation. 1. That your husband messaged the other girl a second time, after his initial mistake of contact with her. 2. That he refuses to discuss this with you. He should be able to discuss this with you, as you're his wife.
Honestly, it sounds to me as if you need to have a very open and frank discussion with him. What he is doing is a betrayal of your feelings, and your marriage.
I would suggest perhaps seeking counesling with him. Sometimes, a professional impartial third party, can help with laying all issues on the table, and sorting everything out. Two primary issues seem to be glaring here. One, why he is not willing to discuss this with you, his wife, and two, why he is still messaging other women, when you are willing to accomadate his needs with this interest.
I hope my suggestion is helpful. Good Luck. I truly hope you can resolve your situation with your husband.
Mitch
TheTickleMonster
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well my first response to that would be dump him. But since you two are married it's a bit more complicated than that. But devorce would be an option, i guess, if it's doable. But it's not right for him to cheat on you no matter what the reason. He should have known what he was getting into when you two were getting married. If he's not willing to talk to his wife about that sort of thing, then that's not good. Maybe it's hard for him to say it out loud. Maybe if he wrote it down it would be easier. Maybe that's why it's easier for him to tell her thru the computer than it is to tell you to your face what he likes and so forth. Of course it could just be because she's part of this community so he feels like she would understand better than you and feels comfortable talking to someone who shares his fetish.
Thank you! We are in counseling and he still won't really talk about it. I have done everything I know to do. He is constantly on this site, for hours, even when its not appropropriate (work, etc). he is risking his marriage, his wife/kids? I don't get it. I've NOT ONCE told him no about anything sexually in 20 yrs! I'm so confused. He is risking his job, his wife/kids??? I don't understand. I believe we are at the point where I have to leave him until he can figure all this out. I love him and have tried, but I'm not a mind-reader.
JJB
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Sorry to hear about your issues. Mitchell and mtTicklemonster are right about the need for communication, regardless of what the result of it may be. It doesn't sound like there will be an amiable solution to this. I've read many cases of a foot and/or tickling fetish ruining a relationship, or even resulting in divorce. Luckily, they're the minority of the cases, but it can happen. It's certainly not a desirable situation, and nobody deserves it.
It's kind of odd how particular some of us individuals with a tickling fetish can be. Some of us are just too picky and have perfectionist tendencies that we try to match up as close to our fantasies as possible. Sometimes a 'lee isn't "ticklish enough"... or not ticklish in the exact spot(s) we want... or there's something wrong with her feet... or she doesn't look attractive enough... or she doesn't sound ticklish enough (laughter). I've heard and read so many similar statements. The majority of the time, that "perfection" doesn't happen.
While I encourage communication, especially to save the marriage before it's harmed even more, open communication might not help when it comes to his tickling fetish. Some people just don't like to talk about it or have to explain it. From a personal standpoint, the more I have to explain my fetish or specific fantasies/tendencies, the less spontaneous and fun it ends up being. "OK, I want to tie you up here and tickle you like this, but don't like it! Make sure it's torturous! Laugh, don't scream! Oh, and beg for mercy too! OK? Thanks!" That's just me though, and everybody with the fetish is unique. I fear that you're just not going to be able to overcome this with him. Maybe (and hopefully!) he still "loves" you, but for some reason you're just not his #1 fantasy (which you should be in an ideal marriage). I don't see how counseling is going to help overcome that. The damage seems like it's been done.
While I certainly wouldn't suggest it, I wonder how he would feel if you were to tell him that you would like to explore tickling with somebody else... or if you went about meeting up with somebody to do that. At this point, sadly I question what's going to happen to your marriage, because this is significant. Even though tickling seems to be the most prevalent issue here, I think the lack of communication is more troubling, and it's up to both of you if you want to work that out or not... or if you even can.
I'm sure many more will have advice to offer you. I wish you well, regardless of what ends up happening in your situation.
It's kind of odd how particular some of us individuals with a tickling fetish can be. Some of us are just too picky and have perfectionist tendencies that we try to match up as close to our fantasies as possible. Sometimes a 'lee isn't "ticklish enough"... or not ticklish in the exact spot(s) we want... or there's something wrong with her feet... or she doesn't look attractive enough... or she doesn't sound ticklish enough (laughter). I've heard and read so many similar statements. The majority of the time, that "perfection" doesn't happen.
While I encourage communication, especially to save the marriage before it's harmed even more, open communication might not help when it comes to his tickling fetish. Some people just don't like to talk about it or have to explain it. From a personal standpoint, the more I have to explain my fetish or specific fantasies/tendencies, the less spontaneous and fun it ends up being. "OK, I want to tie you up here and tickle you like this, but don't like it! Make sure it's torturous! Laugh, don't scream! Oh, and beg for mercy too! OK? Thanks!" That's just me though, and everybody with the fetish is unique. I fear that you're just not going to be able to overcome this with him. Maybe (and hopefully!) he still "loves" you, but for some reason you're just not his #1 fantasy (which you should be in an ideal marriage). I don't see how counseling is going to help overcome that. The damage seems like it's been done.
While I certainly wouldn't suggest it, I wonder how he would feel if you were to tell him that you would like to explore tickling with somebody else... or if you went about meeting up with somebody to do that. At this point, sadly I question what's going to happen to your marriage, because this is significant. Even though tickling seems to be the most prevalent issue here, I think the lack of communication is more troubling, and it's up to both of you if you want to work that out or not... or if you even can.
I'm sure many more will have advice to offer you. I wish you well, regardless of what ends up happening in your situation.
Darth Sidious
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It's comperable to an alcoholic and drinking. For him, it seems to be a major avenue of fulfillment for him. But like anything, if you take it outside normal moderation, it can become an addiction and ruin not only his life but the lives of the people that care most about him - you and your kids!
If he is refusing to talk about it... it sounds as if he has this notion that you just do not have what he is looking for in this regard and that is what prompted him to look outside of it to seek fulfillment. Now I'm assuming this is strictly a tickle context and not somethign where he was looking to do sexually-oriented things when he would have met this girl, but you would know this better than I am.
My advice is simple - ask him, candidly, why he won't talk about it and see if his statement reflects what I said above. If it does, you need to lay it out there that you are willing to make him happy, within reason, but that he has to decide what he values more, his wife/children or his addiction... gotta see how far this goes.
If he is refusing to talk about it... it sounds as if he has this notion that you just do not have what he is looking for in this regard and that is what prompted him to look outside of it to seek fulfillment. Now I'm assuming this is strictly a tickle context and not somethign where he was looking to do sexually-oriented things when he would have met this girl, but you would know this better than I am.
My advice is simple - ask him, candidly, why he won't talk about it and see if his statement reflects what I said above. If it does, you need to lay it out there that you are willing to make him happy, within reason, but that he has to decide what he values more, his wife/children or his addiction... gotta see how far this goes.
Dave Pavet
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I have never cheated on my wife with this tickling fetish thing but if I were in a situation where the circumstances were a bit too convient, who knows? Men are really weak with this type of stuff. At least you are in counseling... GEE, I SURE HOPE WOMEN don't START SENDING ME TICKLING FETISH MATERIAL AND EMAILS TRYING TO FUCK UP MY MARRIAGE FROM HELL!!!
At that point, you've done all you can do. It's up to him to be more open about it, and for you to be all, "OMG take me big boy, I'm down widdat!"
And then he lives out a fantasy or two, and quite possibly he's still not satisfied because many people just can't seem to be happy with what they have, or fantasies never quite live up to what's in the head.
But it's a start.
And then he lives out a fantasy or two, and quite possibly he's still not satisfied because many people just can't seem to be happy with what they have, or fantasies never quite live up to what's in the head.
But it's a start.
This. He sounds like a total asshole to me! You seem to be willing to do everything you can to make him happy, and he isn't appreciative at all! Even after you found out about him wanting to meet another woman, he contacts her AGAIN!? How fucked up is that!?
First of, thanks for coming here and asking us.
Most wives would blame the "freaks on some tickling forum," yet you respect everyone here enough to ask our advice about a problem that pretty much started here!
I don't know you, but you sound like one hell of an accomodating woman.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you stay, I hope you work your life out and even find fiends on here you can talk to, since you sound open minded and were willing to indulge your husband's fetish.
Now to get mean.
I think your husband needs to grow the fuck up.
Or you need to dump him, and come meet someone yourself on here who would gladly marry you and stay faithful to you, having their own tickle/foot fetish themselves.
Let's look at the big picture, from OUR standpoint.
There are guys and girls here who post all the time about being rejected once they reveal their fetish to their partners.
There are guys and girls here who post about having their partners start off tolerating their fetish, but later on stop, and never induldge them, ever. Or they get mean later on and look down on them for having a fetish.
It is hard to find someone to accomodate a fetish, because so any people in todays world are selfish and narcissistic, and only wish to please themselves.
These same stories fill up all the panyhose forums, also "My wife wore pantyhose every now and then when we dated. As soon as we got married, she's been hose free for 15 years...life sucks!"
Yet you're out there aking him how YOU can please him, being okay with him on the forum in the first place,and doing everything you can to accomodate him.
Three things that so many wives would never do for their husbands.
Obviously, you now have serious trust issues with him, made worse by the fact that you induldged him anyway.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, I hope you don't hate or blame anyone here (except the cheating chick) and I hope you find happiness with whatever decision you make.
But I assure you there are scores of guys here reading this thinking "Hell I'D tickle you and be faithful to you, pretty girl who lets her man tickle her!!!" There are many, many couples on here, often times with one not sharing the fetish, who don't cheat and are more than happy their wives/girlfriends induldge their fetish. Some of those non-tickle-fetishists have even become regular members here!
Most wives would blame the "freaks on some tickling forum," yet you respect everyone here enough to ask our advice about a problem that pretty much started here!
I don't know you, but you sound like one hell of an accomodating woman.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you stay, I hope you work your life out and even find fiends on here you can talk to, since you sound open minded and were willing to indulge your husband's fetish.
Now to get mean.
I think your husband needs to grow the fuck up.
Or you need to dump him, and come meet someone yourself on here who would gladly marry you and stay faithful to you, having their own tickle/foot fetish themselves.
Let's look at the big picture, from OUR standpoint.
There are guys and girls here who post all the time about being rejected once they reveal their fetish to their partners.
There are guys and girls here who post about having their partners start off tolerating their fetish, but later on stop, and never induldge them, ever. Or they get mean later on and look down on them for having a fetish.
It is hard to find someone to accomodate a fetish, because so any people in todays world are selfish and narcissistic, and only wish to please themselves.
These same stories fill up all the panyhose forums, also "My wife wore pantyhose every now and then when we dated. As soon as we got married, she's been hose free for 15 years...life sucks!"
Yet you're out there aking him how YOU can please him, being okay with him on the forum in the first place,and doing everything you can to accomodate him.
Three things that so many wives would never do for their husbands.
Obviously, you now have serious trust issues with him, made worse by the fact that you induldged him anyway.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, I hope you don't hate or blame anyone here (except the cheating chick) and I hope you find happiness with whatever decision you make.
But I assure you there are scores of guys here reading this thinking "Hell I'D tickle you and be faithful to you, pretty girl who lets her man tickle her!!!" There are many, many couples on here, often times with one not sharing the fetish, who don't cheat and are more than happy their wives/girlfriends induldge their fetish. Some of those non-tickle-fetishists have even become regular members here!
I was hoping and waiting to hear what the ladies had to say about this!
Libertine
1st Level Orange Feather
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Certain men feel they can only express what they consider to be the darker parts of their sexuality with someone who 'doesn't matter', apart from being a release. That way, (as long as no-one catches him at it or exposes his actions) he can have a roll in the gutter and not alter your perception of him and his desires.
This type of man compartmentalises the responsible husband/lover/father he wants you to see him as, and what he undoubtedly honestly wants to be 'at home', seperating it from the desires he'd rather satisfy elsewhere by utilising someone with whom he has no other type of relationship, and for whom he has no loving or romantic feelings.
That way, if he goes overboard, takes her past her safeword, makes things far too intense, inadveratently causes bruising or ropeburn-whatever, it's not his wife, not the woman he loves, and thus 'doesn't matter'- he can simply walk away, physically and emotionally, instead of living with the consequences.
In no way do I condone his behaviour, but in the deeper recesses of my male mind I can understand, fortunately without ever having had the need.
This type of man compartmentalises the responsible husband/lover/father he wants you to see him as, and what he undoubtedly honestly wants to be 'at home', seperating it from the desires he'd rather satisfy elsewhere by utilising someone with whom he has no other type of relationship, and for whom he has no loving or romantic feelings.
That way, if he goes overboard, takes her past her safeword, makes things far too intense, inadveratently causes bruising or ropeburn-whatever, it's not his wife, not the woman he loves, and thus 'doesn't matter'- he can simply walk away, physically and emotionally, instead of living with the consequences.
In no way do I condone his behaviour, but in the deeper recesses of my male mind I can understand, fortunately without ever having had the need.
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LD_Tickler
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That's terrible. I wish you luck in resolving this satisfactorily, but to be honest, I think at this stage in your situation, we (the collective, rag-tag bunch of fetishists on this forum) aren't qualified to give you advice. If this were about how to ease into tickle-play or to answer questions about the kink, we'd be the people to ask. However, as you know, your husband's actions are straying into the realm of marital infidelity and dishonesty... and those issues are too personal and psychological for our expertise. Seek counselling from those more qualified in these matters, and good luck again.
Libertine, this is really sorry ass excuse for every guy who cheats! Deeper recesses of the male mind fine and dandy, but hey, time to grow up and start being considerate about the wishes of those who love them!
Libertine
1st Level Orange Feather
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Forgive me if I am wrong, but I believe, from what you have stated unambiguously on this very forum, your own husband and your own dom/ler are two separate people.
c7_assassin
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Aleah, it's pretty obvious your husband has this monkey on his back and feels it deeply enough to stray outside your marriage to get his fix. I'm not moralizing at all or trying to say it's anyone's fault, but you should probably look at this as something that runs very deep in your husband's sexuality, and it's something you might not ever be able to fulfill on your own.
So maybe that's grounds for breaking up your marriage, or maybe not; that's for you and he to decide. You have to figure out if you can forgive him for cheating (which this was), and you have to figure out if you can live without absolute monogamy if that's what it takes, or if he's willing to ignore these feelings for your sake, or what. It just takes communication, I guess. Good luck to you both.
So maybe that's grounds for breaking up your marriage, or maybe not; that's for you and he to decide. You have to figure out if you can forgive him for cheating (which this was), and you have to figure out if you can live without absolute monogamy if that's what it takes, or if he's willing to ignore these feelings for your sake, or what. It just takes communication, I guess. Good luck to you both.
Libertine
1st Level Orange Feather
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His wishes? Her wishes?
So, using yourself as an example, is the TMF in agreement that the fault is with his wife and not him?
Ha HAAAA!!
Ihre liebevolle Giftzwerg,
J.
Flatfoot
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We can speculate all day about what he's thinking, but if you're already in counseling, and he's not willing to communicate his personal issues (Perhaps he doesn't entirely understand what he wants, but yet again, more speculating!), there's not much you can do if he won't open up. Effective communication's a two-way street. The ball's not exactly in his court, more like it's up for grabs. Either you can decide how much you're gonna put up with, drop the hammer and be done with it, or he can decide to open up, but odds are he's gonna play by his own rules.
Come on Giftzwerg, you know the difference. 😉
My husband is not willing to indulge me. He is okay with it if I get it somewhere else as long as it is not like a second relationship - which it isn't. 🙂
She wants to indulge him - he obviously doesn't care and still goes to someone else.
And even if my husband wasn't aware what's going on doesn't mean I'd say that what I do is fine. 😉
tickler4u2
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Aleah, I too am sorry for what you're going through and I'm sure the children sense something is wrong too. Don't look at it as a failure on your part. The fact that you indulge his fantasies and attempt to meet his needs says that you are trying your best to please him. I've been in relationships where my partner was understanding enough to allow me to indulge my fantasies and in a loving relationship I never felt the need to look elsewhere for it. IMHO, the fact that he keeps looking elsewhere is an issue he needs to work through, not for you to judge yourself.
And thank you for not being judgemental of others on this site!
And thank you for not being judgemental of others on this site!
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Aleah,
I wish I knew what to say. It sounds complicated, and it sounds like you're trying to be honest and open as possible (which is a much better starting point than many people in your situation would adopt). If I were in your husband's position, I imagine I would feel like my inability to work with you was my fault and my issue, not yours.
People can be involuntarily, or voluntarily, difficult to understand. I suppose the first thing is to <I>not</I> feel like your husband is unsatisfied or confused because you're doing something wrong.
Here you are on the forum too, now. Do you ever use it to communicate with each other…?
I wish I knew what to say. It sounds complicated, and it sounds like you're trying to be honest and open as possible (which is a much better starting point than many people in your situation would adopt). If I were in your husband's position, I imagine I would feel like my inability to work with you was my fault and my issue, not yours.
People can be involuntarily, or voluntarily, difficult to understand. I suppose the first thing is to <I>not</I> feel like your husband is unsatisfied or confused because you're doing something wrong.
Here you are on the forum too, now. Do you ever use it to communicate with each other…?
TheTickleMonster
3rd Level Blue Feather
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Speak for yourself dude.
