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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter MistressValerie1
- Start date
for those of you with children..."kid's and church"
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church" she said.
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people from church to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church" she said.
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people from church to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Last edited:
Welfare joke
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says " Yeah, well you started it!"
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says " Yeah, well you started it!"
oops!
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.
She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pushing shyster.
Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pushing shyster.
Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
Redneck Vasectomy (an old joke...but still a good one)
"Redneck Vasectomy "
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough (and they could not afford a larger double
wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated
mules) and told him that he and his wife (cousin) didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry
bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count
to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . ." at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand....
This also works in Arkansas, Tennessee and North Carolina.
Oh, and don't forget West (by-golly) Virginia.
"Redneck Vasectomy "
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough (and they could not afford a larger double
wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated
mules) and told him that he and his wife (cousin) didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry
bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count
to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . ." at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand....
This also works in Arkansas, Tennessee and North Carolina.
Oh, and don't forget West (by-golly) Virginia.
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the
table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there
is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His
son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady,
leave me alone, I'm married!"
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the
table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there
is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His
son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady,
leave me alone, I'm married!"
Semper Fi
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...You gotta love a man like this...Humor in the face of defeat
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Semper Fi!!!
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...You gotta love a man like this...Humor in the face of defeat
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Semper Fi!!!
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Messages
- 1,924
- Points
- 0
LOL - some good ones here!
Little Adam was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Adam, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Adam thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!!!"
Little Adam was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Adam, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Adam thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!!!"
MayDay1
1st Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 8, 2003
- Messages
- 1,170
- Points
- 0
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' " "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
16. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man." Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. "Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' " "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
16. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man." Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. "Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
MistressValerie1
Administrator
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Messages
- 8,738
- Points
- 0
Good stuff, guys 
Here's one more:
Hooker
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
Here's one more:
Hooker
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 9,517
- Points
- 0
ROFL @ MayDay LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!
Thats my type of humor, Mayday...thanks for those!!
Thats my type of humor, Mayday...thanks for those!!
This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call(404)875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call(404)875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy.
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
BoundToTickle
TMF Poster
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2004
- Messages
- 123
- Points
- 0
MayDay, those were great and I'm pleased that more people will enjoy the Kiss pandas. Speaking of Kiss, did anyone ever see the Family Guy where he's watching the Xmas show "Kiss saves Santa" on TV? Man I love that....
Storm_Cat -I can't help thinking and laughing about the two statues joke. I love things that I can't anticipate. Hey that works with tickling to.
Storm_Cat -I can't help thinking and laughing about the two statues joke. I love things that I can't anticipate. Hey that works with tickling to.
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 9,517
- Points
- 0
Ohhhhh Stormy that's horrible! You're a jerk! A fiend! You're SUCH a guy with no sensitivity to women and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Wait...are you even LISTENING to me?!
hehehe....
Wait...are you even LISTENING to me?!
hehehe....
nessonite said:
um...yes, actually I am! Did you take that seriously? I didn't post it seriously, only as a joke to add.
...and actually, a FEMALE friend of mine e-mailed that to ME!
seriously though, nothing I post is ever meant to offend anyone. if it does, just let me know. :grind_tee
something for the girl's...
hopefully this will make up for the 'birdie' joke
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting,fishing,boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her Objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six ?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
This next one may be a bit raw for some...sexual inuendo's and all that, ya know...fair warning...don't keep reading if you can't handle it
another one for the ladies;
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
hopefully this will make up for the 'birdie' joke
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting,fishing,boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her Objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six ?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
This next one may be a bit raw for some...sexual inuendo's and all that, ya know...fair warning...don't keep reading if you can't handle it
another one for the ladies;
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
Last edited:
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Messages
- 1,924
- Points
- 0
Some great stuff here. I really liked the hooker joke, Valerie.
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would.
When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself.
Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No, croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'"...
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would.
When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself.
Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No, croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'"...
