Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Faramir]

terrorist alert, and others

Terrorist Alert

Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your office.

Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin
and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh
cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Debate - Male or Female

> You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified a
> female? Well, everything in this world could have a gender. Here are some
of
> them:
>
> ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
> see right through them.
>
> SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
> hanging out.
>
> PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
warm
> up.
>
> TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
>
> HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to
> light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.
>
> SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
>
> THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
> AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.
>
> HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000
> years, but they are handy to have around.
>
> A REMOTE CONTROL is female. Ha! You thought it would be "male". But
consider
> this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they
don't
> always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.
>
> Great Truths:
> "Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside."


Louisiana (Cajun) Cockfight

Louisiana Cockfight

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being
held in the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous
detective Boudreaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next
morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed
the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when
summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was
involved?"

"De duck won."

 

[BoundToTickle]

O.K. I could unload my whole forwarded email folder of jokes but I would prefer to tell you all a funny TRUE story that occasionally my husband and I look back at very fondly and laugh our asses off 'cause we really messed with this cop's brain....

It was a foggy November morning and I was late as hell getting to work. I had one of those bosses that looked forward to getting angry every day and nothing was worse in her eyes than late employees. My car wasn't working so my husband offerred to drive me. We hopped into our other transpo vehicle which was a large white '78 Dodge POS van; you know one of those that took 50 minutes to warm up and it had only two seats with the covered engine sanwiched between them. He was driving really fast which was nothing new; his record had so many black marks that when we got married my insurance company dropped me immediately and I had never gotten a ticket or been in an accident in all the years I'd been driving! Well he got pulled over and was quite distraught because his license was suspended and this would be the ticket that would get it revoked. We were waiting for the cop to get out of his car when my husbands says, "Do you want to try something? You have to answer fast because there's not much time..." I said, "s-s-sure", not knowing quite what he had in mind. Then he explained that we could easily switch seats and I could take the ticket thereby saving him the loss of his license. "See the windows are still fogged and wet so he couldn't see us and it wouldn't even hurt your record..." I said "yes" and we quickly switched.....
Well the cop knew what we did. Maybe he'd seen the weight of the van shift as we moved or maybe our shadows through the foggy back-window because he walked up to the PASSENGER window and motioned for my husband to roll it down. His first words were, "Sure I didn't see you driving this vehicle?". To which my husband replies in a sugary sweet Eddy Haskel voice, "Why no, officer, as a matter of fact I wasn't driving for my license is on suspension....." I could see the cop's face tighten and veins were quickly bulging on his temples but he otherwise kept himself under complete control as he questioned my husband.
"You were not driving this vehicle just now?"
"That's right, officer."
"I say I saw you driving this vehicle."
"No sir, my wife was driving right over there," and he points in my direction!
I thought, that's it, we're busted, but the cop just stood there with this incredulous look on his face. He stood there silently staring into the distance for like 45 seconds before he slowly turned and walked around the van to the driver side.
I could feel the redness swell into my face (sometimes this happens when I'm put on the spot to come up with lies etc.).
"You were driving?"
"Yes sir".
More silence.....more veins....
Then he proceeded to ask for my info, ran my license, and gave me my first and only ticket ever which dropped off my record a few years ago so it's like it never happened. When I got to work I had such a great story to tell that my boss completely forgot to make my day miserable for being late!

 

[nessonite1]

LOL ogleme! Kudos to your hubby for his quick thinking but I hope when you ride with him that you wear your seatbelt!

Stormy...of COURSE I was joking! I even thought of saying that in my last post but I didnt think it was necessary. I thought I was being clever as hell.
Stormy you're officially the king of all jokes. You really have some gems there! Thanks SO much for sharing! I've got one that's a bit raunchy but funny nonetheless:

A young woman was working her new job at an "adult" store. Her boss decides she's ready to be left on her own so he goes out to lunch.
A white woman walks into the store and looks at the dildos. "hmmm...Ive never had a black one before...I'll take one of those!"
A bit later a black woman walks in and looks at the dildos. "hmmm...I've never had a white one before...I'll take one of those!"
Later on a blonde woman walks in and eyes up the dildos. She looks on a high shelf behind the counter and says "Wow! I've never had a plaid one...I'll take one of those!"
Some time went by and the clerk's boss comes back from lunch. "How did you do while I was away?" he asks her.
"Well," she says "I sold one black dildo, one white dildo, and I got $30 for your thermos."


bwaaaahahahahahahaha!

 

[MistressValerie1]

Thanks, Sole Seeker

I loved the birds too, Storm Cat

One mini-joke:

SHOULD HAVE GUESSED

----- A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[Faramir]

quoting Vals joke:
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."

ROFLMAO.....been there...done that....!!

I concur...!!

(which is not to say I would never do it again...but I have to say I would be a lot more cautious about it)

 

[Faramir]

LOL ogleme! Kudos to your hubby for his quick thinking but I hope when you ride with him that you wear your seatbelt!

Stormy...of COURSE I was joking! I even thought of saying that in my last post but I didnt think it was necessary. I thought I was being clever as hell.
Stormy you're officially the king of all jokes. You really have some gems there! Thanks SO much for sharing! I've got one that's a bit raunchy but funny nonetheless:

A young woman was working her new job at an "adult" store. Her boss decides she's ready to be left on her own so he goes out to lunch.
A white woman walks into the store and looks at the dildos. "hmmm...Ive never had a black one before...I'll take one of those!"
A bit later a black woman walks in and looks at the dildos. "hmmm...I've never had a white one before...I'll take one of those!"
Later on a blonde woman walks in and eyes up the dildos. She looks on a high shelf behind the counter and says "Wow! I've never had a plaid one...I'll take one of those!"
Some time went by and the clerk's boss comes back from lunch. "How did you do while I was away?" he asks her.











"Well," she says "I sold one black dildo, one white dildo, and I got $30 for your thermos."


bwaaaahahahahahahaha!

quoting Nessonite:
Stormy you're officially the king of all jokes

well, thank you Ness...and apologies to Mistress Valerie for hijacking her joke thread, but when I start a thread, if there are no or few replies to it, I will delete the thread to possibly save TT some space on the server. Val's joke thread got many more replies than mine, so I decided to move/post all my joke's here instead.

yeah....I've heard that one about the plaid dildo before Ness...but nonetheless, still a good one...lol...!! kinda makes ya wonder, eh?

 

[Faramir]

shite...!!

don't ya just hate it when peep's e-mail you jokes in text format instead of HTML format? jus makes more (editing) work for you when you want to post them here, aye? :grind_tee

 

[MistressValerie1]

Hi, Storm Cat -- no problem at all on your adding to the thread In fact, I'm very pleased to see a thread I started growing this quickly

LOL about the text format; I end up editing out all the >'s and extra carriage returns in Word Pro, which is not fun ...

Love to all,

 

[Faramir]

Hi, Storm Cat -- no problem at all on your adding to the thread In fact, I'm very pleased to see a thread I started growing this quickly

LOL about the text format; I end up editing out all the >'s and extra carriage returns in Word Pro, which is not fun ...

Love to all,

yeah...I edit them out as well, 'cept when I'm in a rush (like NOW ...I should be almost ready to leave for work...but here I am instead, and not even close to ready)

 

[nessonite1]

I should be almost ready to leave for work...but here I am instead, and not even close to ready

Oh dear...Stormy's going to work naked again...tsk tsk tsk...

 

[Faramir]

Oh dear...Stormy's going to work naked again...tsk tsk tsk...

ROFL...rawlrawlrawl...now that's a picture I'm SURE no one here would want to see, Ness...!!!

(btw...pic(s) have been re-sent)

 

[MistressValerie1]

4 Animals

Four Animals

A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals."

The teacher asked "Really, and what four animals would that be"?

The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for it."

The teacher fainted.

 

[nessonite1]

BWAAAHAHAHAHA!!! Sounds like a good collection to me!

 

[Faramir]

fun things to do at Wal-Mart

Fun things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples
carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5
minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official
tone, 'Code 3'in Housewares, and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on
lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera! Use it as a mirror
and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the theme from'Mission Impossible.'

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume
the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while
and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."

 

[Faramir]

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is \ nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK? > > >

 

[Faramir]

The Collection Plate

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection
plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and
what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send
you?"

The old lady said... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed...

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honourable profession," the pastor says. "Where
does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly....

"Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

 

[Faramir]

I'll fix this later.

Subject: the beginning of a wonderfull relationship!
> > >A husband and wife are driving down the highway, with the wife
> > >
> > >behind the wheel, when the husband suddenly looks over at her
> > >
> > >and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years,
> > >
> > >but I want a divorce."
> > >
> > >The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but
> > >
> > >slowly increases her speed to 55 mph.
> > >
> > >"And don't try to talk me out of it," he says "Because I am
> > >
> > >having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover
> > >
> > >than you are."
> > >
> > >Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel tightly
> > >
> > >and slowly increases the speed to 65.
> > >
> > >He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
> > >
> > >She inches up to 75 mph.
> > >
> > >"I want the car, too," he continues.
> > >
> > >She is now doing 80 mph.
> > >
> > >"And," he says, "I'll take the bank accounts, credit cards and
> > >
> > >the boat."
> > >
> > >The car starts veering towards a massive concrete wall.
> > >
> > >This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there
> > >
> > >anything you want?"
> > >
> > >The wife replies in a quiet and controlled voice, "I've got the
> > >
> > >only thing I need."
> > >
> > >"Oh really?" he inquires. "So what have you got?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to
> > >
> > >him, smiles and says..... (SCROLL DOWN, you're gonna love this!)
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > >"The airbag!"

 

[Faramir]

The Origins of ChapStick

> > > > An old Arizona cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty
> day.
> > > >
> > > > The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as
> the
> > > > cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few
> feet in
> > > > front of the sheriff.
> > > >
> > > > "Howdy, stranger."
> > > >
> > > > "Howdy, Sheriff."
> > > >
> > > > The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its
> tail,
> > > > and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the
> horse's
> > > > tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors
> of
> >the
> > > > saloon.
> > > >
> > > > "Hold on, Mister..."
> > > >
> > > > "Sheriff?"
> > > >
> > > > "Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
> > > >
> > > > "Reckon you did, Sheriff, I got me some powerful chapped lips."
> > > >
> > > > "And that cures them?"
> > > >
> > > > "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em."

 

[Faramir]

Dopey and The Pope

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because
> > they are "the seven
> > >dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the
> > >Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> > >
> > >"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for
> > you?"
> > >
> > >Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are
> > there any dwarf nuns in
> > >Rome?"
> > >
> > >The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
> > thinks
> > >for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no
> > >dwarf nuns in Rome."
> > >
> > >In the background a few of the dwarfs begin
> > giggling.
> > >Dopey turns around and gives them a glare,
> > silencing them.
> > >
> > >Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship,
> > are there any dwarf nuns
> > >in all of Europe?"
> > >
> > >The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and
> > then
> > >answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in
all
> > of
> > >Europe."
> > >
> > >This time all the other dwarfs burst into
laughter.
> > Once again, Dopey turns
> > >around and silences them all with an angry glare.
> > >
> > >Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope,
> > are
> > >there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
> > >
> > >The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are
no
> > dwarf nuns anywhere in
> > >the world."
> > >
> > >The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling,
and
> > laughing, pounding on
> > >the floor, tears rolling downtheir cheeks as they
> > begin chanting:
> > >
> > >"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
> > >"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 

[Faramir]

Officer, My Name is Fred - Just Fred

A law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along with it.

Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling - I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time - so, I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant.

She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Now I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning ticket

 

[Faramir]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[Faramir]

Subject: Lipstick on girls in middle school....


> According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
> recently was faced with a unique problem........
>
> A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
> would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
> their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
> dozens of
> little lip prints.
> Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
> the girls would put them back.
>
> Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
>
> She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
> the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
> causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors
> every night.
>
> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
> asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
> required.
>
> He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
> cleaned the mirror with it.
>
> Since then, there have been no lip prints on
> the mirror.
>
> THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
> There are teachers, and then there are Educators

 

[nessonite1]

And old favorite of mine..


A man was on vacation in a small Mexican village. One day he was walking and checking out the street vendors when he noticed that his watch had stopped. He saw an haggard old Mexican man sitting on side of the road next to a haggard old donkey.
"Excuse me, sir? Do you speak English? Could you tell me the time?"
The old man reached under the donkey and lifted it's balls for a moment and eyed them thoguhtfully. "Ees 4:30, senior"
The man looked a little confused but walked on. On his walk back he saw the same man with the donkey and asked him the time again.
Again the old man fondled the donkey's balls and looked intently at them and said "Ees 6:45, senior"
Curiosity got the better of him and the man asked him "I'm sorry, but how can you tell the time by holding your donkey's balls?"
"No, senior," the old man said, pointing under the donkey and across the street "The clock, she's over there."

 

[nessonite1]

I heard this one when I was about 10. The best jokes stick with you...

A man is sitting in a bar, drowning his sorrows, when he feels the urge to relieve himself. He stands at the urinal and takes a peek to his left. At the urinal next to him is a red haired man, dressed all in green, no more than 3 and a half feet tall.
"Holy shit! You're a leprechaun!" he says
The little man nods "Aye, that I am."
"Hey, since I found you don't you have to give me three wishes?"
The little man nods again "Aye, that I do. But if you want your wished to be granted you must be doin a bit of a favor for me."
"Anything!" the man says, eager to start his wishes.
"You must let me screw you up the ass."
"No way, that's disguting!" the man cries.
"The you won't be gettin your three wishes." The little man says and heads for the door.
"No no, wait, I'll do it." The man concedes.
"Then start your wishin!"
"First I wish for a shiny new red Porshe!"
The little man concentrates and says "Aye, it's sitting in the parking lot waitin for ya."
"Great! Now I want a sexy 20 year old blonde girlfriend!"
"She's sittin in your new car."
"Wow! Okay now I want a never ending supply of $50 bills!"
"Just reach into the glove box of your car and you'll always find a new $50 bill."
The man is so excited that he runs for the door to see his new prizes.
"Wait a minute, you forgot your end of the bargain!" the little man scolds.
The man knows there is no way out of it and he agrees to uphold his end of the deal in order to secure him car, woman, and money. After the little man finishes his business the man stands up and it hoprrified by what he's just done.
"Oh my God, I can't believe I let you DO that!!" he cries.
"Aye, and I can't believe YOU thought I was a leprechaun!"

 

[MayDay1]

Fun things to do at Wal-Mart

Awww man! Me and some buddies were at Target for like an hour today. We coulda been doing this stuff!! Crap! I consider this a wasted oppurtunity.