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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

Following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel, two Irishmen found themselves adrift at sea in a tiny lifeboat. They rummaged through the boat's meager provisions, and one of them stumbled across an old bottle.

Hoping for one final taste of hooch before he died, the fellow uncorked the bottle. To his amazement, a cloud of smoke billowed out and formed itself into the figure of an exotic young lady.

"You have just unleashed the genie of the bottle," she seductively intoned. "You may now demand of me one wish. Anything you desire... all you need do is ask."

Unexpectedly, salvation seemed at hand. But without a moment's hesitation, the man blurted out:

"Saints be praised! I want ya's should turn the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie snapped her fingers, and the surrounding waves suddenly changed into an ocean of fine malt ale. She then immediately vanished into thin air. The two men stared fixedly into the frothing brew which surrounded them.

"Nice work, yer flamin' idjit!" the other castaway raged. "I s'pose yer know what this means!'

"Not a'tall," the first man blustered. "S'pose ya tell me."

"It means," his companion replied, "that now we have ta pee in the boat!"
 
Just received these this morning. Not strictly speaking jokes, but amusing instances of allegedly genuine dumb behavior:

A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center received a call from a woman very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The student quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. He told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room at once.

* * *​

Some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

* * *​

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this:

“Put awl yer muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

* * *​

A motorist was caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

* * *​

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After he received the money, he saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted and told the cashier to put it in the bag as well. The cashier refused, telling him she didn't believe he was over 21. The robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The clerk promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

* * *​

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit immediately shot him.

* * *​

A resident called the township administrative office to request the removal of a "Deer Crossing" sign. The reason:

“Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
 
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to relate their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket when the pickup hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying all over and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good!" said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised her hand.

"My daddy's a farmer, too. But he raises hens for the meat market. Once we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to the story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy! Johnny, do you have anything to share?"



"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a pilot during Desert Storm and her plane got shot down. She was forced to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun before the bullets ran out. Then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!" cried the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did you learn from that awful story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
 
(these are originals so remember to credit me)

How did The Pink Panther die?

He inhaled fiberglass dust!

-----

What do you call two black people playing basketball?

One-on-one.
 
Riddle me this: Why is drinking beer while shooting pool like reciting the alphabet backwards?









































Because you go from the cue to the pee.
 
A man walks into a bar and seats himself next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick smile then causally looks at his watch.



The woman asks, "What's the trouble, sport? Your date running late?"

"No", he replies. "I just got a new 'state-of-the-art' watch and I was testing it."



The woman, intrigued, asks, "A state-of-the-art watch, huh? What's so
 special about it?"



The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."



The lady says, "So what's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."



The woman giggles and replies "Must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"



The man taps the watch and says, "Damn thing's running half an hour fast…"
 
One day, Elizabeth, a beautiful golf pro who lived in a villa on the course, heard a crash. Going outside, she saw a good-looking male golfer standing next to an overturned cart.

"Hey mister! You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "I guess so. But look at this mess!"


"Never mind that. Come to my villa… rest up. I'll help you with the cart later."



"That's mighty nice of you," the guys said. "But I don't think my wife would like it."



"Come on, big boy!" Elizabeth insisted. "Live a little!"



"Well… okay! But my wife won't like it."



After drinks, driving and putting lessons, and some passionate sex,
 the man was ready to leave.


"Thanks, ma'am! I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is not going to like it."



"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile. "How will she ever know?"



"She might be suspicious," the man replied. "I left her underneath the cart."
 
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A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up."Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle !" said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow trees down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
 
A tough old cowboy counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren… and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the property, and the prospect has them all concerned.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the ladies I'd have. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his lovin', but I ain't' givin' him none of my cows." 



The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned the right to my 50 cows. I'll fight 'im till the pen runs red, but I'm keepin' all my cows!"



The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have let me have 10 cows to see to. I may not be as big or as tough yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."



They'd just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he takes toward the ground strains the steel ramp to the breaking point.



The first bull says, "Ahem... you know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." 



The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. If I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture… away from him… I'm certainly not looking for an argument." 



They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.



The first bull says, "Boy, take some good advice… let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."



The third bull says, "Heck, he can have all my cows. I just wanna make sure he knows I'm a bull!"
 
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were in Europe for their honeymoon. They were driving their rental car along a stretch of twisting mountain road. It was late at night and raining hard. All of a sudden, the car skidded out of control. Bob tried to use the brakes, but they wouldn't respond! The car swerved sickeningly all the way into the valley and crashed into a tree!

Some time later, Bob's head began to clear. He looked over at his wife, who lay unconscious and bleeding. He knew they both needed medical assistance desperately, so he picked her out of the wreck and began staggering down the road. He noticed light coming from an old, ominous looking mansion and headed for it.

A strange hunched man answered his frantic knocking. Bob blurted out, "My name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and are both hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"My apologies," the small man replied. "We have no phone. But my master is a doctor. Please come in and I'll fetch him."

Bob carried his unconscious wife inside. After a few moments, another older man came down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you," he said. "I am not a medical doctor, but a research scientist. However, I have had some basic medical training. Igor, conduct them to the laboratory and I'll see what I can do."

With that, Igor picked up Betty and made his way to a dungeon lab filled with complex apparatus. He placed her on a table for examination. Bob, exhausted, collapsed from his injuries, so Igor placed him on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looked worried.

"This is serious, Igor. Prepare for a transfusion."

The pair worked feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill were not more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily he trudged up the steps to his conservatory, which housed his one consolation: a great pipe organ. It was there that he always found solace from his disappointments. He began to play, and a stirring, haunting melody filled the house.

Meanwhile, Igor remained below to tidy up the lab. As he worked, his eye caught a slight movement… the fingers on Betty's hand began to twitch, keeping time to the haunting organ tune! Stunned, he watched as Bob's arm lifted, swaying to the beat! The two recently deceased honeymooners rose from their tables and began to waltz to the magical notes!

Unable to contain himself, Igor dashed up the stairs to the conservatory! He burst through the door and shouted:

"Master! Master! It's a miracle! The Hills are alive… with the sound of music!"
 
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A man is driving around the backwoods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty stating: "Talking Dog For Sale".


He raps on the door and the owner appears to tell him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes out back and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever.



"You talk?" he asks.



"Yep," the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he asks, "So, what's your story?"



The Lab says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.



"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.



"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...



"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.


"I uncovered some famous crimes and was awarded a batch of medals.



"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."



The man is amazed. He goes back to the owner and asks what he wants for the dog.



"Ten bucks," the guy says.



"Ten bucks?! For that incredible dog? Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



"Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard."
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
 
A lothario sidles up to a good looking Irish girl in a New York bar and seductively whispers, "Have you ever kissed the Blarney Stone?"

The girl looks up quizzically and asks, "And why would you be wanting to know that?"

"Well," he smiles, "you see, my ancestors came from the Old Country and I've always had a hankering to reconnect with my roots. Now I've never had a chance to kiss the Blarney Stone... but I'll bet you have. And if I were to kiss your lips, it'd be just the same as if I'd kissed the stone myself!"

A wry smile crosses the lady's face.

"Sure, and I can see the logic in that!"

The man beams, expectantly.

"You see," she continues, "I've not actually ever kissed the Blarney Stone either. But don't despair... for I must confess that I've sat on it a time or two!"
 
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we were complaining about the heat?
 
The IRS rendition of Jingle Bells.

Jingle bells, shotgun shells, bee bees all the way.

Oh what fun it is to go to the rifle range on Christmas Day.
 
How does Santa list his wife on his income taxes?

As a dependent Claus.
 
One Tequila. two Tequila, three Tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where is the self-help section?" She said that if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and not assteroids?

Can atheists get insurance against Acts of God?
 
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There hasn't been a new conspiracy theory in ages. I think the government's blocking them.

*

My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm. Some nights she'd hit me three or four times. I didn't mind so much until I found out she was faking it.

*

Just as a dentist was leaning over his patient to start on her teeth, he stopped, startled.

"Excuse me, Miss... those are my balls you're holding."

"I know," she answered sweetly. "Let's be very careful not to hurt one another!"

*

My wife bought me a nose and ear trimmer for Christmas. Hurt like hell, but they are much smaller now.

*

I can usually tell within 20 seconds of meeting a young lady whether our sex will be consensual or not.

*

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway Sandwiches.

*

Kim Kardashian has reported that she hasn't experienced any nausea or vomiting yet.

That's because the rest of the world is doing it for her.

*

It's so hard to find the right person these days. All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach. It'll give her something to do while I watch football.

*

I rang up the SPCA yesterday to report that I'd found my dog in the back yard lying in a puddle of blood.

"That's awful!" the woman replied. "Is it moving?"

"Quite emotional, yes."

*

I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants. But she didn't buy it... she still makes fun of me.
 
Two good ol' boys are lounging around their trailer park, pounding down brewskis after work.

"If'n I was ta sneak over ta your place Saturday and make love ta yer wife while you's out huntin'... an if'n she gets pregnant and has herself a baby," the first one leers, "would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooks his head sideways, scratches at his temple and squints his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally he says, "Well... I don't know about kin. But it sure would make us even."
 
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Did you know the World Origami Champion is a guy who lives in the Philippines?

He's a Manila folder.
 
Two little boys are in the hospital, lying on stretchers outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What you in here for?"

"To get my tonsils out," the second kid replies, "and frankly I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "Hey, you got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid breathes a sigh of relief, then asks, "So what are you in here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" The second kid says. "Good luck with that! I had that done when I was born... couldn't walk for a year!"
 
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When is Frankie Avalon like a captured butterfly?

When he's inside Annette.
 
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