Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Low_Roads]

A couple arrived at the maternity hospital to have their baby delivered. The wife's contractions were quite severe and she was obviously in a great deal of distress.

"You might be interested in this brand new medical treatment," the attending physician told them. "It transfers brain waves from mother to father, allowing him to take on a percentage of the labor pain. The delivery won't be nearly so trying that way."

"Bring it on, doc," said the husband. "I can take it."

So the doctor set the dial at ten percent, the most he figured any man would be able to tolerate.

"How is that?" he asked.

"Just fine," came the unexpected reply. "It doesn't bother me at all."

So the physician dialed up the setting to 20 percent to see if dad could stand it.

"Don't feel a thing!" dad observed chipperly. "Keep it coming !"

The doctor was amazed at the man's stamina. He adjusted the settings to 50 percent, but the husband still failed to complain about any pain. He finally cranked up the machine to a full 100 percent. After 2 hours, the woman completed an absolutely pain-free delivery and her husband never protested in the slightest about any discomfort.

Next day, the neighborhood mailman was discovered dead.

 

[dentrag1231]

A programmer tells his wife he's going to fill the car with gas. His wife says "While you're out, could you get some milk from the store?"

He never returns.

 

[dentrag1231]

Bob says to his wife "The way me and the guys figure it, that mailman has slept with every woman on this street but one."

After careful consideration, his wife replies "I'll bet it's that snooty Mrs. Jenkins."

 

[Low_Roads]

An entrepreneur from back east had just merged his business with a company in California. He'd flown out to check over his acquisition and was getting all wound up about the laid-back California vibe he felt from his new work force. I mean... a lot of these guys were lounging around in the break room; several were outside playing hacky-sack; the ones who were on the assembly line displayed a dreamy, lackadaisical demeanor that was making him more and more rabid. The last straw came when he saw one guy literally just leaning up against a wall, absently drumming his fingers.

The new boss charged up to the man and demanded, "What the hell do you think you're doing!"

The guy gave him a broad, lazy smile and replied, "Just hangin' around, man... waitin' ta get paid."

The entrepreneur seethed with barely-repressed fury. It was clearly time for a firm object lesson.

"How much do you make a week?" he growled.

The guy scratched his chin in idle contemplation.

"I dunno," he said at last. "200 dollars, probably."

"Well here's 400 dollars severance," he gritted as he dug the bills out of his wallet and slapped them into the man's palm. "You're through here! Get out!"

The guy stared bemusedly at the wad of cash, then stuffed it into his pocket and left.

The boss turned to face his workers and stated grimly, "Now does everyone see what just happened here?"

"Yeah, dude," one of the workers replied. "You just gave the pizza delivery guy one shitload of a tip."

 

[Low_Roads]

A man from a rural area went to college to study agriculture so he could run his family farm more efficiently. While there, he met a guy from the big city, come to study business. The country man knew nothing of city ways; the urban man understood nothing about the country... all the same they became friends, and after graduation the country man invited his buddy to visit him for a vacation.

When the businessman arrived at the backwoods farm, it was the middle of the day in the midst of planting. The farmer had his hands completely full and said to his friend, "I won't be able to show you around for quite awhile. But there's hundreds of acres of forest just north o' here... why not do some hunting in the meantime."

The city man had never been hunting in his life and was skeptical.

"Shucks, there's nothin' to it!" his friend cajoled him. "Get a shotgun out of my house, take my dogs, and see what you can do."

So the city man disappeared into the woods, gun and dogs in tow. After a couple of hours, he returned, sweaty and disheveled.

"So how'd it go?" the farmer asked, bemused.

"Went great!" the businessman replied, breathless. "I've never had so much fun in my life! Tell me... you got any more dogs?"

 

[Low_Roads]

Two drunks are crawling along a stretch of railroad track.

The first drunk turns to the second and says, "We been climbing thish ladder fer hours! H... h... how shoon before we get to our room?"

The second drunk looks up ahead and sighs with relief.

"Dun't shweat it, buddy! I see the elevator comin' now!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A man and his wife lived in a remote mountain region, far from neighbors or most retail outlets. Their only source of supply was a general store located right across the lake from them.

Well, one winter day it froze so bad that the roads became impassable. The man still needed his smokes and beer, so he sent his wife off across the frozen lake to fetch them.

"Better give me some money first," she drawled.

"Nah," he replied. "Put it on the account. Ol' Zeke knows we're good for it"

So off she trudged in the direction of the store, right across the frozen ice. She got the items she'd been sent for and put them on their tab. An hour later she'd returned with the supplies.

"Here ya go, Mister," she, said, winded. "But tell me something: usually you raise a ruckus when I try ta charge fer groceries. What makes today so different?"

"You serious?" he growled indignantly. "I wasn't about to send you across the lake with cash! Who knew how thick that ice was?"

 

[Low_Roads]

Two dullard carpenters are working on the frame of a building. One of them is busy nailing 2x4s into place, but it's taking so long that his partner starts to pay attention and is appalled to see the guy pulling nails out of his pouch and throwing every other one into the garbage.

"What the hell are you doing!?" the second guy screams. "Those nails cost good money and you're wasting half of 'em!"

The first guy indignantly produces two nails. One of them comes out pointed toward the wood and the others is pointed away.

"Ain't my fault!" he hollers. "You should'a checked these things! Half of 'em are defective! Look here..." and he indicates the nail facing away from the wood, "... someone put the head on the wrong end!"

"Jackass!" the second guy yells even louder. "Don't throw 'em out! We can use 'em on the other side of the house!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A fascinating new book came out about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down!

I stayed up all night, trying to figure out what had become of the sun. Then it dawned on me.

A bitch gave birth to ten puppies on the sidewalk, but it didn't end well. She was cited for littering .

No matter how far you push the envelope, it's still stationary.

A soldier who survives a mustard gas attack and pepper spraying may be considered a seasoned veteran.

My opinion may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

My butcher backed up into his meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.

Always use the kick stand on your bike. It can't balance on its own because it's two tired.

I went to the theater last night to see a performance about puns. Yes, it was a play on words.

Why hang onto a broken pencil? It's pointless.

I just heard a joke about ripped-up cloth. I won't repeat it, though... it's tearable.

Stay away from those dangerous cults! Practice safe sects!

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a sledge hammer; it's much harder.

A young lad swallowed a whole roll of quarters, so his mother took him to the hospital. When she called to check on his condition, the nurse told her, "No change yet."

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."

I thought I saw a convention of eye doctors from the Alaskan islands, but they turned out to be optical Aleutians.

Sign language can come in pretty handy.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

The Energizer Bunny got arrested, I hear; seems he was charged with battery.

On the nightly news, they begin by saying "good evening", then proceed to give you all the reasons why it isn't.

Yesterday I drank a bottle of food coloring. My doctor told me not to worry about it, but I can't help but feel that I'm dyeing a little inside.

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

You don't need a parachute if you want to skydive. You do need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.

 

[Senshi1]

Lovely puns, LBH! My favourite kind of humour, perfect for those awkward moments serving customers when you're waiting for more food to be brought and need a way to fill about ten seconds. 😛

Also, slightly unrelated, but it's great to see you still around and posting, my friend!

 

[Low_Roads]

Thanks Senshi! So happy to hear from you! Most pleased you enjoy the puns! I'm a sucker for a clever pun myself, and I was able to find a bunch I'd never heard before. My laptop's been down for awhile, so I can't post art right now... contributing to the joke thread is a way to stay in touch until I'm able to contribute comix chapters again (hopefully sometime this summer). Thanks so much for your considerate comments! They're deeply appreciated! Am most happy to see you're still around and posting too...WTF is still one of my favorite things on the forum!

 

[Low_Roads]

Why is it no one's ever able to beat Popeye?

He's too heavily armed.

* * *​

My sweetie told me that my pecker was just like Popeye.

"Because it grows massive and muscular in seconds?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "Because it needs to be dipped regularly in olive oil."

* * *​

Why did Popeye beat up the Pope?

He heard he was going to Mount Olive.

* * *​

Popeye only ever became interested in Olive Oyl because he was told she was extra virgin.

* * *​

If I spent as much time alone at sea as Popeye, my forearms would be huge too.

* * *​

Even Popeye didn't eat spinach except as a last resort.

 

[Senshi1]

A bunch of Popeye jokes, because why not? xD That Mount Olive one made me laugh.

I suppose I should tell one, too. Two silkworms had a race, what was the outcome?

A tie!

 

[Low_Roads]

Thanks Senshi! Glad you enjoyed the Mount Olive joke; I actually ran across that one first, then had to find a bunch more to flesh out the post.

I missed your silk worm pun when I was looking for them last week! Glad you're more on the ball than me! It's a funny, clever one (constructive, too!) Can't beat a good pun!

 

[Low_Roads]

WARNING!!!

SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST!

Beware of a man coming to your front door, telling you he is conducting a survey and asking you to show him your boobs. Do not show this man your boobs!

This is a scam! HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS!!!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed,
The Blonde

* * *​

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

* * *​

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

She heard that every fourth child born in the world is Chinese.

* * *​

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at a drive-in theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

 

[Low_Roads]

A zoophile, a sadist, a compulsive killer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are gathered at the local bar.

After his fourth beer, the zoophile turns to the sadist and says, "I'm bored outta my skull. Let's go out back and find me a cat to rape."

" Sounds okay to me," replies the sadist, "long as I get to torture it afterward."

"Hey, I want in on this," chimes in the compulsive killer. "Once you're done abusing it, I can murder it."

"A dead cat is perfect for my needs," adds the necrophile. "I'll tag along."

The pyromaniac then pipes up, "After you're done, I'll show you how to have some real fun by settin' it on fire."

The group turns expectantly to the masochist. He just looks back coyly and says:

"Meow!"

 

[xodlirv1]

Remember Junior Samples, the hefty comedian on Hee Haw? In his youth, he joined the Navy, but this turned out to be a bad idea. (How would you like to be referred to as Seaman Samples?)

 

[Low_Roads]

A guy is strolling down the street when he hears jolly piano music coming from a nearby bar.

"Sounds like my kind of place!" he thinks and enters. Once inside, the man is astonished to see a great big hog pounding away on the keyboard.

"Hey, what gives?" he asks the bartender.

"Oh, that," the barkeep replies, looking toward the piano in irritation. "That happened because of the swami next door. He's powerful as all get-out, but he's also a little deaf."

The patron is so I intrigued about the powerful swami that he immediately goes to investigate. He comes back a little later with flocks and flocks of mallards waddling after him.

"Man, that guy really is hard of hearing!" the man growls. "I asked if he could grant me a million bucks, and instead he whistles up a million ducks!"

"Tell me about it!" the bartender smiles. "Do you really think I requested a pig pianist?"

 

[Low_Roads]

A dim-witted blonde was out for a spin in cloudy weather when she suddenly found herself beset by a really fierce hailstorm. The barrage subsided, but not before her cute little car was peppered all over with scores of tiny dents.

Needless so say, a trip to the body shop was in order. The shop owner (a jokester by nature) took one look at the marred finish, then saw that his customer was a blonde. So he decided to forgo any profit and have a little fun instead.

"You know," he told her, "it's a shame to waste money on expensive body work."

"What's the alternative?" she asked.

"Well, I really shouldn't reveal all my trade secrets. But you seem like a nice gal, do here goes. If you blow real hard down the tailpipe, these dents will pop out again like magic!"

"Why thank you so very much!" she gushed. "It's so nice to finally meet an honest mechanic!"

Back home once more, she parked her car back in the garage, got down on her hands and knees, placed her lips to the end if the tailpipe, and blew for all she was worth. But for all her huffing and puffing, not one dent popped out.

After about an hour of fruitless effort, her roommate (another blonde) returned home from work.

"What in the world are you doing down there?" she asked, amazed.

The first blonde told of the repairman's instructions and explained how all her labor had come to nothing.

The roommate rolled her pretty blue eyes heavenward.

"Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Two barflies were keen to hit their favorite watering holes, but when they pooled the contents of their pockets they were alarmed to discover they had little more than 50 cents.

"I've got an idea," said the first finally. "Here, hand me all the cash." And so saying, he strolled into the local butcher shop and returned with a six inch long sausage.

"You fool!" cried the second. "What the hell's wrong with you! Now we can't afford even one glass of hooch !"

"Don't sweat it," soothed the first. "This here sausage is gonna get us all the booze we could ever want."

The two headed for their favorite social club, where they drank their fill and then some. Soon, the man behind the bar began to eye them suspiciously.

"Okay," whispered they first man, "here's the clever part. Get down on your hands and knees."

Once his partner had descended to all fours, he unzipped his pants and stuck the sausage through the open fly. The other man caught in immediately and began to perform an act that looked for all the world like a crime against nature.

"Hey!" screamed the barman. "You can't do that in here! This is a respectable joint! You'll chase away my customers!" And he instantly chucked them into the street.

"See?" smirked the first guy. "It worked like a charm! We can do this all night!"

And that's exactly what happened. In saloon after saloon, appalled owners threw them out the door and they didn't have to pay a dime. But soon, the poison began to produce its evil effects.

"I can't keep this up," moaned the second guy, wobbly and nauseous. "I'm drunk as hell and my knees are killing me."

"How do you think I feel?" returned the genius behind the scheme. "I lost that damn sausage five hours ago."

 

[Low_Roads]

Two sailors are spending their shore leave hitting every bar in town. They're both good and plastered by the time they decide to top things off with a trip to the brothel.

"We'll take two of your finest *****s, my good woman!" the first gob tells the madam.

Well, it's a busy night and all the girls are occupied. But the madam figures these clowns are so blotto they'd never notice if she pairs 'em up with a couple of blowup sex dolls instead of real women.

"Right this way, gents," she says as she takes their money and steers them toward a darkened room. "Two gorgeous gals are waiting right inside for you."

Fifteen minutes later, the sailors are staggering their way down the street.

"D'ja notice anything odd about your girl?" the first one asks blearily.

"Yeah," the second swabbie replies, "now you mention it. I think she was dead."

"You don't say! Dead, huh? How come you think that?"

"Wallll... she din't move a muscle the whole time an' she was cold to the touch."

The first guy considers carefully.

"Yep. Sounds like she was dead all right."

"So how was yours?"

"You may not believe it, but I'm almost sure she was a witch."

"A witch? Why you so sure she was a witch?"

"Well there I was, nibblin' on her ass... when alla' sudden she farts in my face and flies right out the window!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Saint Peter is at his post before the Pearly Gates, when suddenly he feels a desperate urge to use the bathroom. Looking around for someone to take his place for ten minutes, he spies Jesus.

"Sure, I'll be happy to help out!" Jesus replies jovially. "What do I need to do?"

"Just greet the souls of the recently departed," Saint Peter tells him. "Find out about their background and decide if they're worthy to enter Heaven."

So Jesus takes over and the first guy to come before him is a humble-looking little old man.

Jesus smiles and says, "Tell me something about yourself, please."

"Well," the old man begins," I was a carpenter most of my life. I never had much in the way of family, but I did have a very much beloved son. He wasn't fully human, but in the end he went through a mystical change. People adored him greatly but they also abused him. Oh my, yes... I'll never forget those holes in his hands and his feet..."

Jesus is overcome with emotion.

"Father?"

The old man starts, and tears begin to well in his eyes.

"Pinocchio?"

 

[Low_Roads]

Bob and Sam are next door neighbors. One evening, Bob unexpectedly receives a text from his buddy:

"Bob, old man... I have a terrible confession to make. For weeks now, I've been tapping your wife. Day or night, whenever you're away and wouldn't catch on. I'm not getting it at home anymore, but I know that's no excuse. Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I swear this will never, never happen again."

Bob feels humiliated and totally betrayed. Without hesitation, he goes to his study, retrieves a pistol from the desk drawer, goes into the kitchen where his wife is doing dishes, and fires a bullet directly into her skull.

A minute later, Bob receives an additional text:

"Fucking autocorrect! That should have read 'tapping your wifi'."

 

[xodlirv1]

Riddle me this: Why is Demi Lovato like a pirate's sword?


Because she's a cut lass.

 

[Low_Roads]

As a blonde did her shopping at a local department store, she noticed a tall silver object on a display shelf.

"What in the world is that?" she asked the salesman.

"That's called a thermos, miss," the man helpfully explained. "It's used to keep hot food hot and cold food cold."

"Wow!" she said with glee. "What an amazing invention! I'm going to buy one!"

The next day, she brought her new purchase to work with her. A coworker (another blonde) stared at the object, puzzled.

"What in the world is that thing?" she inquired dully.

"It's what they call a thermos," the first blonde gushed. "It keeps hot food hot and cold food cold."

"That's a great idea!" replied her friend in wonderment. "What did you put inside?"

"A whole meal!" the girl beamed. "Some hot chicken soup and a glass of iced tea!"