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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter MistressValerie1
- Start date
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Moby Dick and his wife Mabel were gliding serenely through the inky ocean, when the great whale looked up to spy a small boat bobbing along on the surface.
"We'll I'll be!" snarled Moby. "It's that pesky Captain Ahab again! I really need to teach that guy a lesson!"
"What did you have in mind, dear?" asked Mabel.
Moby thought a minute, then grinned.
"I've got it!" He chuckled. "Let's swim underneath his whale boat and unleash a double blast from our blow holes! The turbulence will swamp him for sure!"
"Whatever you say, dear," replied Mabel demurely.
So the mighty leviathans positioned themselves directly underneath Captain Ahab and blew two powerful, foamy columns, sinking the boat and spilling all the oarsmen into the water.
"That was hilarious!" laughed Moby as he watched the struggling sailors. "You know what? Now that they're helpless, we oughta swim back and eat a few of those guys!"
"Hold it right there!" barked Mabel indignantly. "I agreed to a blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow any seamen!"
"We'll I'll be!" snarled Moby. "It's that pesky Captain Ahab again! I really need to teach that guy a lesson!"
"What did you have in mind, dear?" asked Mabel.
Moby thought a minute, then grinned.
"I've got it!" He chuckled. "Let's swim underneath his whale boat and unleash a double blast from our blow holes! The turbulence will swamp him for sure!"
"Whatever you say, dear," replied Mabel demurely.
So the mighty leviathans positioned themselves directly underneath Captain Ahab and blew two powerful, foamy columns, sinking the boat and spilling all the oarsmen into the water.
"That was hilarious!" laughed Moby as he watched the struggling sailors. "You know what? Now that they're helpless, we oughta swim back and eat a few of those guys!"
"Hold it right there!" barked Mabel indignantly. "I agreed to a blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow any seamen!"
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
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- Points
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DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
and finally...
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters:
TO COPULATE, HE FINDS INTERNS
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
and finally...
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters:
TO COPULATE, HE FINDS INTERNS
MistressValerie1
Administrator
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^^^ Epic 😀
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Star Wars facts file
Why the Jedi crossed the road: to get to the Dark Side.
The way a guy on Endor travels from place to place: Ewoks.
The temperature of a Tauntaun: Luke warm.
How Yoda ran his moisture farm on Tatooine: dew or dew not.
Bounty hunter from the South: Bubba Fett.
The side of a Wampa that has the most fur: the outside.
How Palpatine managed his takeover: bank clones.
Where the Gungans store their preserves: in Jar jars.
Why smuggler Han Solo was frozen in carbonite: to make him a hardened criminal.
What R2-D2 stands for: a lot of prissy whining from C-3PO.
How many Sith it takes to change a lightbulb: none. They prefer it on the dark side.
How many Falcon pilots it takes to change a lightbulb: lots. Many Hans make light work.
The way the Death Star left Alderaan: a pieceful planet.
What Luke's red/white X-wing became when immersed in the deep-green water of Dagobah: wet.
How the Rancor monster considered his Wookiee victim: he thought him to be Chewie.
Jabba the Hutt's middle name: "The".
The way aged Empire retirees get around: Imperial walkers.
What Darth Vader received for his birthday: a brand new TIE.
How Darth Vader knew what he was receiving for his birthday: he felt his presents.
Term for cowardly Dark Lords: Sithies.
The way Anakin approached Padme: on all Force.
Complex where Sith buy their jeans and CDs: the Darth Mall.
The reason Han Solo is always late: it takes a Millennium for him to get anywhere.
The name of the website Chewbacca uses to expose Empire secrets: Wookieleaks.
Why the Jedi crossed the road: to get to the Dark Side.
The way a guy on Endor travels from place to place: Ewoks.
The temperature of a Tauntaun: Luke warm.
How Yoda ran his moisture farm on Tatooine: dew or dew not.
Bounty hunter from the South: Bubba Fett.
The side of a Wampa that has the most fur: the outside.
How Palpatine managed his takeover: bank clones.
Where the Gungans store their preserves: in Jar jars.
Why smuggler Han Solo was frozen in carbonite: to make him a hardened criminal.
What R2-D2 stands for: a lot of prissy whining from C-3PO.
How many Sith it takes to change a lightbulb: none. They prefer it on the dark side.
How many Falcon pilots it takes to change a lightbulb: lots. Many Hans make light work.
The way the Death Star left Alderaan: a pieceful planet.
What Luke's red/white X-wing became when immersed in the deep-green water of Dagobah: wet.
How the Rancor monster considered his Wookiee victim: he thought him to be Chewie.
Jabba the Hutt's middle name: "The".
The way aged Empire retirees get around: Imperial walkers.
What Darth Vader received for his birthday: a brand new TIE.
How Darth Vader knew what he was receiving for his birthday: he felt his presents.
Term for cowardly Dark Lords: Sithies.
The way Anakin approached Padme: on all Force.
Complex where Sith buy their jeans and CDs: the Darth Mall.
The reason Han Solo is always late: it takes a Millennium for him to get anywhere.
The name of the website Chewbacca uses to expose Empire secrets: Wookieleaks.
Last edited:
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
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- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Two buddies, Sam and Harry, are in the clubhouse shower after 18 holes of golf. Sam, who's never before seen his friend naked, happens to notice how spectacularly well endowed Harry is.
"It wasn't always this impressive," Harry confesses. "Truth is, I had to work diligently to make it what it is today."
"So what's the secret?" Sam asks.
"I'll tell you," Harry replies. "It's butter. Plain, ordinary grocery store butter. I take a little pat and massage it into my privates every evening. It truly is a miracle... adds extra inches in just a couple of weeks!"
Of course, Sam decides to try the treatment for himself. Two weeks later, the friends meet up once again.
"So how are the butter massages coming along?" Harry inquires. "Notice any difference yet?"
"I'll say I do!" Sam replies irritably. "But not the kind you promised! I've actually lost two inches so far!"
"Lost two inches?!" Harry starts. "That shouldn't be possible! You're sure you're using the butter just the way I told you?"
"Well...." Sam begins slowly, "... I was all out of butter. I've been using Crisco instead. That should work just as well, right?"
"Crisco?!" Harry moans. "No wonder you've had problems! That's the last think you should have done! Didn't you know?... Crisco is shortening!"
"It wasn't always this impressive," Harry confesses. "Truth is, I had to work diligently to make it what it is today."
"So what's the secret?" Sam asks.
"I'll tell you," Harry replies. "It's butter. Plain, ordinary grocery store butter. I take a little pat and massage it into my privates every evening. It truly is a miracle... adds extra inches in just a couple of weeks!"
Of course, Sam decides to try the treatment for himself. Two weeks later, the friends meet up once again.
"So how are the butter massages coming along?" Harry inquires. "Notice any difference yet?"
"I'll say I do!" Sam replies irritably. "But not the kind you promised! I've actually lost two inches so far!"
"Lost two inches?!" Harry starts. "That shouldn't be possible! You're sure you're using the butter just the way I told you?"
"Well...." Sam begins slowly, "... I was all out of butter. I've been using Crisco instead. That should work just as well, right?"
"Crisco?!" Harry moans. "No wonder you've had problems! That's the last think you should have done! Didn't you know?... Crisco is shortening!"
xodlirv1
TMF Regular
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- 0
And the Democratic response:
PRES. GEORGE W. BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
BUGGERS WHOSE REP?
Not quite as funny, I know...but still....
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
A patrolman is driving down a dark street late at night when he comes across a man in the middle of the road staggering and waving his arms frantically.
" What seems to be the problem, sir?" the patrolman asks.
"Thank goodnish (hic)!" the man replies. "Offisher, you gotta help me! I just got carjacked!"
"Sir," the cop says as he exits his patrol car, "you are obviously drunk and should never have been driving in the first place."
"Nah, it'sh okay," the drunk replies chummily. "It wuz parked at the time."
"Very well then. Why don't you show me right where you left your vehicle."
The drunk fishes through his pocket.
"Right at the end of thish key!" he proclaims triumphantly.
It's obvious that the man is too loaded to be much help, so the officer tells him, "Sir, why don't I take you to the station to fill out a report. First, however, please tuck yourself in and zip up. Otherwise I'll have to arrest you for indecent exposure."
The drunk stares dumbly at his flapping manhood, then suddenly blurts out, "Well fer god'sh sake! They got my girl, too!"
" What seems to be the problem, sir?" the patrolman asks.
"Thank goodnish (hic)!" the man replies. "Offisher, you gotta help me! I just got carjacked!"
"Sir," the cop says as he exits his patrol car, "you are obviously drunk and should never have been driving in the first place."
"Nah, it'sh okay," the drunk replies chummily. "It wuz parked at the time."
"Very well then. Why don't you show me right where you left your vehicle."
The drunk fishes through his pocket.
"Right at the end of thish key!" he proclaims triumphantly.
It's obvious that the man is too loaded to be much help, so the officer tells him, "Sir, why don't I take you to the station to fill out a report. First, however, please tuck yourself in and zip up. Otherwise I'll have to arrest you for indecent exposure."
The drunk stares dumbly at his flapping manhood, then suddenly blurts out, "Well fer god'sh sake! They got my girl, too!"
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman are caught smuggling liquor in Saudi Arabia and are brought before the Sheik for punishment.
"You shall each of you receive 20 lashes with the whip," the Sheik tells them. "But before your ordeal, I shall grant you each one request."
"I wish to have a pillow tied to my back," says the German, who is then shackled for his whipping. The pillow protects him some, but after 10 strokes it is cut clean through. The German is taken away in agony.
"I wish to have two pillows tied to my back," says the Frenchman. The second pillow offers even more protection, but after 15 strokes the whip renders them both worthless. In the end, he too suffers searing damage.
The Skeik looks to the Englishman.
" It is now your turn," the potentate intones. "Tell me your request."
"Your highness," the Englishman states gravely, "our offense was most disreputable and I am filled with shame. In your mercy, you have ordered only 20 lashes. I insist on receiving 100 lashes."
The Sheik is startled and impressed.
"Sir, you are the only one to express any regret for your crime. You are a most brave, honorable, man. For this respect, I offer you one additional request."
The Englishman stands up gallantly and proudly.
"I wish to have the Frenchman tied to my back".
"You shall each of you receive 20 lashes with the whip," the Sheik tells them. "But before your ordeal, I shall grant you each one request."
"I wish to have a pillow tied to my back," says the German, who is then shackled for his whipping. The pillow protects him some, but after 10 strokes it is cut clean through. The German is taken away in agony.
"I wish to have two pillows tied to my back," says the Frenchman. The second pillow offers even more protection, but after 15 strokes the whip renders them both worthless. In the end, he too suffers searing damage.
The Skeik looks to the Englishman.
" It is now your turn," the potentate intones. "Tell me your request."
"Your highness," the Englishman states gravely, "our offense was most disreputable and I am filled with shame. In your mercy, you have ordered only 20 lashes. I insist on receiving 100 lashes."
The Sheik is startled and impressed.
"Sir, you are the only one to express any regret for your crime. You are a most brave, honorable, man. For this respect, I offer you one additional request."
The Englishman stands up gallantly and proudly.
"I wish to have the Frenchman tied to my back".
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Allegedly genuine court transcripts:
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of your conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the victim?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Was that before or after he died?
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at the time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up next morning he was dead?
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out if it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on... what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk .
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A. I have only one, you know.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
* * *
Q. Were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!
* * *
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
* * *
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
* * *
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of your conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
* * *
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
* * *
Q. Were you acquainted with the victim?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Was that before or after he died?
* * *
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
* * *
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
* * *
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at the time?
A. Attached to the ears.
* * *
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up next morning he was dead?
* * *
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out if it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on... what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
* * *
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
* * *
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk .
* * *
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
* * *
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
* * *
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A. I have only one, you know.
* * *
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order themselves a beer. The establishment is rather a seedy one, so when their glasses arrive each one has a fly caught in the foam.
The Englishman is entirely put off.
"Bar man," he says, "there's a fly in my beer. Bring me a fresh one, please."
The Scotsman hefts his glass appraisingly.
"I'll nae let a wee fly spoil my appreciation for a bonnie brew!" he states, and chugs the whole thing down.
The Irishman stares furiously at the insect. He seizes it, holds it over the glass and hisses, "All right, yer bastard! Spit it back!"
The Englishman is entirely put off.
"Bar man," he says, "there's a fly in my beer. Bring me a fresh one, please."
The Scotsman hefts his glass appraisingly.
"I'll nae let a wee fly spoil my appreciation for a bonnie brew!" he states, and chugs the whole thing down.
The Irishman stares furiously at the insect. He seizes it, holds it over the glass and hisses, "All right, yer bastard! Spit it back!"
Last edited:
Cryptic71
TMF Expert
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2013
- Messages
- 541
- Points
- 0
Okay, I got one.
It's late Saturday night at the local bar. Just about everybody is drunk by the time the place closes. But, none as drunk as one particular fellow.
This man has had so much to drink, he is literally walking in circles. Bad thing is... He has to drive himself home in just a few minutes.
So, the bar closes, and with that, droves of drunken men swarm out of the bar, making for their vehicles.
This poor lad is so drunk, it takes him five full minutes to get from the door, to his car, to fumbling with the lock, to wrestling with the seat-belt, to finally starting the car.
He leaves with the rest of the pack, but quickly moves ahead of them. He did not realize it at the time, but he was going ten miles above the speed limit.
He catches himself though, and slows back down in time to avoid trouble. Well.. some trouble. He is still dancing from curb to curb all over the road.
It didn't take long before he saw the flashing lights behind him, accompanied by the familiar blare of police sirens.
Busted.
He stops the car, and the police officer steps up to the window and begins asking all of the standard questions.
Cop: Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
Man: Yehh...
Cop: How much?
Man: Oney a bahtll or too.
Cop: Uh-huh, step out of the car please.
Man: Kay.
The scene progressed as normal from there on, with the addition of one unusual detail: The pack of drunkards he had passed earlier had now caught up, and were passing the distracted cop almost effortlessly.
As soon as the last car had cleared the cop's field of vision, the man's behavior suddenly changed quite drastically.
Cop: Can you walk in a straight line for me.
Man: No problem, sir.
*Walks a perfectly straight line*
Cop: What the?...
Man: What the, what, sir?
Cop: Come here, breathe into this.
Man: Certainly.
Cop: *Views readings*
Cop: Zero??? What the hell? Who are you?
Man: *victory smirk*
Man: I'm the designated decoy.
--THE END--
That had to have been the longest build up to the punch line in the history of forever.
It's late Saturday night at the local bar. Just about everybody is drunk by the time the place closes. But, none as drunk as one particular fellow.
This man has had so much to drink, he is literally walking in circles. Bad thing is... He has to drive himself home in just a few minutes.
So, the bar closes, and with that, droves of drunken men swarm out of the bar, making for their vehicles.
This poor lad is so drunk, it takes him five full minutes to get from the door, to his car, to fumbling with the lock, to wrestling with the seat-belt, to finally starting the car.
He leaves with the rest of the pack, but quickly moves ahead of them. He did not realize it at the time, but he was going ten miles above the speed limit.
He catches himself though, and slows back down in time to avoid trouble. Well.. some trouble. He is still dancing from curb to curb all over the road.
It didn't take long before he saw the flashing lights behind him, accompanied by the familiar blare of police sirens.
Busted.
He stops the car, and the police officer steps up to the window and begins asking all of the standard questions.
Cop: Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
Man: Yehh...
Cop: How much?
Man: Oney a bahtll or too.
Cop: Uh-huh, step out of the car please.
Man: Kay.
The scene progressed as normal from there on, with the addition of one unusual detail: The pack of drunkards he had passed earlier had now caught up, and were passing the distracted cop almost effortlessly.
As soon as the last car had cleared the cop's field of vision, the man's behavior suddenly changed quite drastically.
Cop: Can you walk in a straight line for me.
Man: No problem, sir.
*Walks a perfectly straight line*
Cop: What the?...
Man: What the, what, sir?
Cop: Come here, breathe into this.
Man: Certainly.
Cop: *Views readings*
Cop: Zero??? What the hell? Who are you?
Man: *victory smirk*
Man: I'm the designated decoy.
--THE END--
That had to have been the longest build up to the punch line in the history of forever.
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
An elderly mailman was making his rounds, when he came to the home of a gorgeous blond woman on his route.
"I hear this is your last day," she said.
"Yep," replied the mailman. "I'm 65 years old. Time to retire, take it easy... enjoy some of the better things in life."
"Well," she smiled seductively, "how about enjoying some of them right now! If you want, come on upstairs with me."
The postman couldn't believe his luck. He trotted happily up to the lady's bedroom, and for the next hour made passionate love to her.
After he was finished, the blonde tucked a dollar bill into his breast pocket and sent him on his way.
Later that morning, the blonde was having coffee with a friend. She casually mentioned her tryst with the mailman.
"How could you possibly do that!" her friend cried, aghast. "You're a married woman, you know!"
"'Course I know it!" The blonde giggled. "It was my husband's idea!"
"His idea?!"
"Sure! I mentioned before he left for work that our mailman was retiring. I asked if we shouldn't do something special for him. He just shrugged and told me, 'Screw him... give him a dollar.'"
"I hear this is your last day," she said.
"Yep," replied the mailman. "I'm 65 years old. Time to retire, take it easy... enjoy some of the better things in life."
"Well," she smiled seductively, "how about enjoying some of them right now! If you want, come on upstairs with me."
The postman couldn't believe his luck. He trotted happily up to the lady's bedroom, and for the next hour made passionate love to her.
After he was finished, the blonde tucked a dollar bill into his breast pocket and sent him on his way.
Later that morning, the blonde was having coffee with a friend. She casually mentioned her tryst with the mailman.
"How could you possibly do that!" her friend cried, aghast. "You're a married woman, you know!"
"'Course I know it!" The blonde giggled. "It was my husband's idea!"
"His idea?!"
"Sure! I mentioned before he left for work that our mailman was retiring. I asked if we shouldn't do something special for him. He just shrugged and told me, 'Screw him... give him a dollar.'"
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Two Jewish friends walk past a Catholic church, which has a sign posted at the door reading:
"To all non- Catholics... if you enter and accept Catholicism, you will instantly receive $3000.00."
"Do you suppose they really mean that?" one of them says.
"Who can know," the other replies.
A week later, the two find themselves in front of the same church, looking at the same notice .
"I still can't help but wonder if they really mean it about all that cash!" the first declares.
To which his friend returns indignantly, "You damn Jews! All you ever think about is money!"
"To all non- Catholics... if you enter and accept Catholicism, you will instantly receive $3000.00."
"Do you suppose they really mean that?" one of them says.
"Who can know," the other replies.
A week later, the two find themselves in front of the same church, looking at the same notice .
"I still can't help but wonder if they really mean it about all that cash!" the first declares.
To which his friend returns indignantly, "You damn Jews! All you ever think about is money!"
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Two antennas decided to get married. I don't know about the vows, but I hear the reception was excellent.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. "I'll have a beer," he says, "and one for the road".
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
That damn magician must be crazy! He's pulling his hare out!
An Eskimo was paddling his boat across the Arctic sea. It became so cold, he lit a small fire onboard... unfortunately, the flames burned the hide covering from his frail craft and it sank, drowning him. All of which goes to prove: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
It's not that the juggler wasn't skillful; he just didn't have the balls.
A squad car pulled up at a daycare center, but encountered some trouble. Seems one of the toddlers was resisting a rest.
Someone dumped a piano down a shaft. I hear it hit A-flat minor.
A fellow was so desperately hungry, he decided to eat his alarm clock. Must have been time consuming.
Someone accidentally tossed some window glass into the incinerator. It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
Our old carpenter really nailed his work, but his replacement screws up everything.
I was desperate to find the nearest restroom, so I consulted a relief map.
That guy used to be addicted to soap, but he's clean now.
Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, "Dam!"
When it came time to stomp the grapes, they offered no resistance. But they did let out a little whine.
No one knew that grandma had a dental plate until it came out in conversation.
Have you met the lady with the taser yet? Man, is she stunning!
The marine supply store is having a big sale on paddles. It's quite an oar deal.
Last night I attended the reading of a will. I knew instantly how things would go... it was a dead giveaway.
I managed to smash my finger with a hammer while trying to drive a nail. On the other hand, I'm totally okay.
Better pay your exorcist or you're liable to get repossessed.
You can get dead batteries at the store free of charge.
The magician uses a lot of trap doors in his act, but don't worry. He's just going through a stage.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. "I'll have a beer," he says, "and one for the road".
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
That damn magician must be crazy! He's pulling his hare out!
An Eskimo was paddling his boat across the Arctic sea. It became so cold, he lit a small fire onboard... unfortunately, the flames burned the hide covering from his frail craft and it sank, drowning him. All of which goes to prove: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
It's not that the juggler wasn't skillful; he just didn't have the balls.
A squad car pulled up at a daycare center, but encountered some trouble. Seems one of the toddlers was resisting a rest.
Someone dumped a piano down a shaft. I hear it hit A-flat minor.
A fellow was so desperately hungry, he decided to eat his alarm clock. Must have been time consuming.
Someone accidentally tossed some window glass into the incinerator. It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
Our old carpenter really nailed his work, but his replacement screws up everything.
I was desperate to find the nearest restroom, so I consulted a relief map.
That guy used to be addicted to soap, but he's clean now.
Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, "Dam!"
When it came time to stomp the grapes, they offered no resistance. But they did let out a little whine.
No one knew that grandma had a dental plate until it came out in conversation.
Have you met the lady with the taser yet? Man, is she stunning!
The marine supply store is having a big sale on paddles. It's quite an oar deal.
Last night I attended the reading of a will. I knew instantly how things would go... it was a dead giveaway.
I managed to smash my finger with a hammer while trying to drive a nail. On the other hand, I'm totally okay.
Better pay your exorcist or you're liable to get repossessed.
You can get dead batteries at the store free of charge.
The magician uses a lot of trap doors in his act, but don't worry. He's just going through a stage.
Last edited:
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Two rednecks are lounging on a bench next to a bus station, when a newly arrived foreigner exits the building and approaches them.
"Parlez-vous Français?" he asks.
"Say what?" the first redneck counters.
The foreigner tries again: "Hablan ustedes Español?"
"Cain't savvy yer lingo, mister," comes the response.
The man tries one more time: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
The two men just sit there slack-jawed. The foreigner sorrowfully shakes his head and wonders away.
"Reckon that feller's new in town," the first man observes.
"Yep," replies the second. "Reckon so."
"Seemed ta need our help," the first continues. "Too bad we never learned another language."
"What fer?" the second man scoffs. "He knew three, and it didn't do him no good."
"Parlez-vous Français?" he asks.
"Say what?" the first redneck counters.
The foreigner tries again: "Hablan ustedes Español?"
"Cain't savvy yer lingo, mister," comes the response.
The man tries one more time: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
The two men just sit there slack-jawed. The foreigner sorrowfully shakes his head and wonders away.
"Reckon that feller's new in town," the first man observes.
"Yep," replies the second. "Reckon so."
"Seemed ta need our help," the first continues. "Too bad we never learned another language."
"What fer?" the second man scoffs. "He knew three, and it didn't do him no good."
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
Q: Why don't blondes enjoy M&Ms?
A: Because they're too hard to peal.
Q: Why did the blonde bake the chicken for three days?
A: The recipe book said to cook for half an hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: Why don't blondes become pharmacists?
A: They have too much trouble fitting the pill bottle into the typewriter.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?
A: Last year's Hide and Seek champion.
Q: Why can't blondes cook for two?
A: The oven won't go up to 700 degrees.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: That's where everybody washes vegetables.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote in the snare?
A: She gnawed off three of her legs and still remained trapped.
Q: Why do blondes use see-through lunch boxes?
A: To tell if they're going to or coming from work.
Q: What do you give to the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing away the W's.
Q: What lasts forever?
A: Four blonde drivers at a four-way stop.
Q: Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head .
Q: How does a blonde spell "farm"?
A: E-I-E-I-O.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, which one hits the ground first?
A: The brunette; the blonde has to stop to ask directions.
Q: What do you call a blonde on a golf course with a 125 IQ?
A: A foursome.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice for hours?
A: Because it said "Concentrate".
Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Under 17 not admitted.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out she could use it past noon.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde's been typing on the computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill her goldfish?
A: By drowning it.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill her canary?
A: By throwing it off a cliff.
Q: What did the blonde ask when told she was pregnant?
A: "How do you know it's mine?"
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell. She's got a live hand grenade in her mouth.
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
Q: Why don't blondes enjoy M&Ms?
A: Because they're too hard to peal.
Q: Why did the blonde bake the chicken for three days?
A: The recipe book said to cook for half an hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: Why don't blondes become pharmacists?
A: They have too much trouble fitting the pill bottle into the typewriter.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?
A: Last year's Hide and Seek champion.
Q: Why can't blondes cook for two?
A: The oven won't go up to 700 degrees.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: That's where everybody washes vegetables.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote in the snare?
A: She gnawed off three of her legs and still remained trapped.
Q: Why do blondes use see-through lunch boxes?
A: To tell if they're going to or coming from work.
Q: What do you give to the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing away the W's.
Q: What lasts forever?
A: Four blonde drivers at a four-way stop.
Q: Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head .
Q: How does a blonde spell "farm"?
A: E-I-E-I-O.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, which one hits the ground first?
A: The brunette; the blonde has to stop to ask directions.
Q: What do you call a blonde on a golf course with a 125 IQ?
A: A foursome.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice for hours?
A: Because it said "Concentrate".
Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Under 17 not admitted.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out she could use it past noon.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde's been typing on the computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill her goldfish?
A: By drowning it.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill her canary?
A: By throwing it off a cliff.
Q: What did the blonde ask when told she was pregnant?
A: "How do you know it's mine?"
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell. She's got a live hand grenade in her mouth.
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
A monocle wonders into a bar and orders a drink. He has a second and then a third, and before he knows it he's starting to feel wobbly. He also has to pee pretty badly, so he heads toward the men's room. As he tries to enter, he runs smack into a second monocle who's staggering out. The two hit the floor... their strings become entangled and, try as they might, they just can't pull themselves apart.
The bar owner glares in disgust.
"Damn monocles can't hold their liquor!" he growls at a patron. "Put two of 'em together, and they can't help making spectacles out of themselves!"
The bar owner glares in disgust.
"Damn monocles can't hold their liquor!" he growls at a patron. "Put two of 'em together, and they can't help making spectacles out of themselves!"
Three statisticians are out duck hunting. While walking near a pond, a duck flies up into the air. The first statistician shoots but the bullet ends up passing 10 feet above the duck. The second statistician shoots but the bullet ends up passing 10 feet below the duck. The third statistician screams "We got it!"
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Jesus and Moses are on the links, playing a round of golf with a little old man. They come to a par three hole with a lake hazard in the middle.
Moses tees off first. His drive is aimed straight across the lake toward the cup, but the ball only gets halfway there before losing velocity and plummeting into the water.
"That's a penalty!" Jesus jovially observes.
"We'll see about that!" replies Moses slyly. He walks to the water's edge, spreading his arms. The lake waters part, revealing his golf ball. Moses walks up to it and chips it into the cup.
"That's a birdie!" he beams.
Jesus tees off next. His ball likewise flies over the lake, but it too loses power, skittering across the surface and coming to rest on a floating log.
"Penalty!" gloats Moses.
Jesus just smiles confidently. He walks across the water to the log and knocks his ball into the cup.
"That's a birdie for me!" he states smugly.
It's now the little old man's turn. He too drives straight across the lake, but it's a powerful swing, much better than that of either Jesus or Moses. It looks sure to make it onto the green, when at the very last second a large fish leaps out of the water and gulps it down.
"Penalty! Penalty!" cry Jesus and Moses gleefully.
All at once there's a roar of thunder. A bolt of lightning strikes the fish in mid-air, jolting it clear out of the lake and onto the green. Its mouth gapes open and the ball rolls directly into the cup.
The old man smiles triumphantly at the stunned Jesus and Moses.
"Mark me down for a whole-in-one!" he beams.
A very steamed Moses turns on Jesus.
"That does it!" he growls. "That definitely does it! This is the last damned time I ever play golf with your father!"
Moses tees off first. His drive is aimed straight across the lake toward the cup, but the ball only gets halfway there before losing velocity and plummeting into the water.
"That's a penalty!" Jesus jovially observes.
"We'll see about that!" replies Moses slyly. He walks to the water's edge, spreading his arms. The lake waters part, revealing his golf ball. Moses walks up to it and chips it into the cup.
"That's a birdie!" he beams.
Jesus tees off next. His ball likewise flies over the lake, but it too loses power, skittering across the surface and coming to rest on a floating log.
"Penalty!" gloats Moses.
Jesus just smiles confidently. He walks across the water to the log and knocks his ball into the cup.
"That's a birdie for me!" he states smugly.
It's now the little old man's turn. He too drives straight across the lake, but it's a powerful swing, much better than that of either Jesus or Moses. It looks sure to make it onto the green, when at the very last second a large fish leaps out of the water and gulps it down.
"Penalty! Penalty!" cry Jesus and Moses gleefully.
All at once there's a roar of thunder. A bolt of lightning strikes the fish in mid-air, jolting it clear out of the lake and onto the green. Its mouth gapes open and the ball rolls directly into the cup.
The old man smiles triumphantly at the stunned Jesus and Moses.
"Mark me down for a whole-in-one!" he beams.
A very steamed Moses turns on Jesus.
"That does it!" he growls. "That definitely does it! This is the last damned time I ever play golf with your father!"
Last edited:
Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
On a cross-country flight, a lady from Texas wound up seated next to a lady from New York.
"Where ya'll from?" the Texan drawled in a neighborly way.
The society matron sniffed and looked down her nose at her neighbor.
"In the community from which I come, one does not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Walllll, please 'scuse me!" the Texan responded amiably. " I'll try that agin. Where y'all from... bitch?"
"Where ya'll from?" the Texan drawled in a neighborly way.
The society matron sniffed and looked down her nose at her neighbor.
"In the community from which I come, one does not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Walllll, please 'scuse me!" the Texan responded amiably. " I'll try that agin. Where y'all from... bitch?"
