on planning the death of a friend...

[steph]

So, as some of you know, I'm kind of the expert on dead friends. It started when I was 19 with the mountain climbing death of my high school sweetheart, Danny. I've lost some 11 friends my age since then and it really sucks.
Now I am faced with new challenge. My girlfriend, Violi who beat breast cancer 2 years ago has now been diagnosed with malignant bone cancer. As you know, you can remove a breast, you can't remove a bone so you see how this is going to end...Her attitude about it is amazing, I guess because she's been thru it before. She's cracking jokes "Oh, I can take the vomiting, loss of energy, etc. You know what I really hate? Winter's coming and I'm going to be BALD again!" She is her cute happy self and I feel like my heart is being ripped out thru my throat. I could stand to lose a few pounds but in that last month, I'm so stressed I've managed to throw up enough to lose 10 pounds~NOT the way I want to do it. She'll leave behind a hubby who travels for a living (engineer) and 2 liitle kids.
I'm so lost here, anyone ever had to PLAN for the death of a friend???How the hell did you get thru it??
TIA
XOXO

 

[Red Jester]

I've lost two friends in my life, there's no trick to getting through it. I can't imagine ever getting used to something like that.

 

[isabeau]

steph ask our friend for my phone number. i also have had to deal with deaths , and had to plan my mothers funeral last year, the first funeral i ever planned. so i might be able to help, not sure. your friend sounds amazing, very brave and wonderful. how damn sad that people with such enthusiasm for life are the ones who are taken. you must love her very much. take care and if i can help dont forget about me. xoxo

isabeau

 

[Em Es]

Not sure what you mean by "plan for"

Death makes you feel powerless, doesn't it, Steph?

By "planning for" your friend's death, are you asking how to support her and her family in the final days to come? Or are you searching for a way to cope with how it will affect you personally?

 

[stdave]

First may I offer my sincere condolences on your friend Steph. I recently lost my last uncle to cancer so I know a little about what you are going through. There are many services some online and some you can find in any bookstore that can help you through this unfortunate event. Perhaps your friend might have some suggestions on how she wants her funeral to be planned. A lot of people now have in their will how they want their final arragements done. Again, my best wishes and condolences during this trying time. The worst funeral I went to was when my nephew committed suicde just after he turned nineteen. It was all so sudden and shocking and completely devestated my sister and my nieces. All the best to you.

 

[Ray<3tiklishft]

Dearest Steph,

My heart goes out to you and your friend.

I'm not making light of your friend's predicament, but reading your story reminded me the hospital scene in the movie 'Brian's Song'. They laughed, they cried, they were truly friends. As a kid, that scene brought tears to my eyes. I saw it again two years ago and even as an adult, it still had me tearing up. I read your story and it brings a tear to my eye as I type this, having lost way too many friends over the years.

Most recently, I lost an ex-girlfriend in March. We dated 25 years ago, as teens, for a couple of years. We stopped dating but we remained friends. I saw her many times over the years (we both are from the same 'hood) and I always called her on her birthday.

On that Sunday, March 20th, I picked up the newspaper. I always grab the Sunday sports page, but for some reason went thru the paper from page 1. I got to the obituaries and to my surprise, my honey's name was there! I went to the funeral home that afternoon and told her brother and sister how I found out. I told them that I never read the obits. Her brother said to me, "She was calling you, Raymond."

It was devastating to me not to be able to have said 'Goodbye' to her. Although I never had any doubts, her sister assured me that she still truly loved me, even after all the years.

Steph, at least you'll be with your friend, especially at a time when she'll need you. The only plan you should make is to spend the precious few moments left and to be honest, loving, and caring. God Bless Both Of You And Her Family!!!

 

[crydun]

Steph,

when my father was really sick this time last year and I had all that planning to do(yes, I had to plan his funeral. Luckily, we haven't had to have it yet.)
Anyway, mgctouch, here from the forum recommended that I read "Life On the Other Side by Sylvia Browne. He said that it would bring me comfort in Dad's final days. He was So right! The book is informational and deals with a lot of the questions we struggle with after someone's death.

It might comfort you to know that death is harder on the ones left behind than the actual individual who dies. Your friend will go on to a much better place than this and be pain-free. As her disease progresses, you will want that for her. YOU will be the one with grief and all the pain associated with it to deal with. I would reccomend some grief counseling, if you feel it could help you. Also, think about starting a grief journal just so you have somewhere for the pain and everything you are feeling to go. If you're more comfortable with it, call it a Memory Book. Put everything that you love about her in it.

In the meantime, surround yourself with the white light of the Holy Spirit and pray for strength for your friend and for you. and if you need to talk, I'm an e-mail or a pm away!

your friend,

Crydun

 

[crydun]

Dearest Steph,

My heart goes out to you and your friend.

I'm not making light of your friend's predicament, but reading your story reminded me the hospital scene in the movie 'Brian's Song'. They laughed, they cried, they were truly friends. As a kid, that scene brought tears to my eyes. I saw it again two years ago and even as an adult, it still had me tearing up. I read your story and it brings a tear to my eye as I type this, havig lost way too many friends over the years.

Most recently, I lost an ex-girlfriend in March. We dated 25 years ago, as teens, for a couple of years. We stopped dating but we remained friends. I saw her many times over the years (we both are from the same 'hood) and I always called her on her birthday.

On that Sunday, March 20th, I picked up the newspaper. I always grab the Sunday sports page, but for some reason went thru the paper from page 1. I got to the obituaries and to my surprise, my honey's name was there! I went to the funeral home that afternoon and told her brother and sister how I found out. I told them that I never read the obits. Her brother said to me, "She was calling you, Raymond."

It was devastating to me not to be able to have said 'Goodbye' to her. Although I never had any doubts, her sister assured me that she still truly loved me, even after all the years.

Steph, at least you'll be with your friend, especially at a time when she'll need you. The only plan you should make is to spend the precious few moments left and to be honest, loving, and caring. God Bless Both Of You And Her Family!!!

well said, Ray

 

[isabeau]

Steph,

when my father was really sick this time last year and I had all that planning to do(yes, I had to plan his funeral. Luckily, we haven't had to have it yet.)
Anyway, mgctouch, here from the forum recommended that I read "Life On the Other Side by Sylvia Browne. He said that it would bring me comfort in Dad's final days. He was So right! The book is informational and deals with a lot of the questions we struggle with after someone's death.

It might comfort you to know that death is harder on the ones left behind than the actual individual who dies. Your friend will go on to a much better place than this and be pain-free. As her disease progresses, you will want that for her. YOU will be the one with grief and all the pain associated with it to deal with. I would reccomend some grief counseling, if you feel it could help you. Also, think about starting a grief journal just so you have somewhere for the pain and everything you are feeling to go. If you're more comfortable with it, call it a Memory Book. Put everything that you love about her in it.

In the meantime, surround yourself with the white light of the Holy Spirit and pray for strength for your friend and for you. and if you need to talk, I'm an e-mail or a pm away!

your friend,

Crydun

i agree with you and steph same applies here my friend. pm me or as i said you know how to get my phone number.

isabeau

 

[steph]

Thanks so much sweet friends for all you're support. I usually save the drama for everyone else, hell, maybe it's PMS...Or maybe I'm so used to being everyone's "go to" girl that I can't deal with NOT be able to do anything for her. I swear my headstone will read, "what can I do to help?"

I think I'm in general a pretty funny gal but I don't think I could make malignant cancer sound funny, but Violi can...And yes, she is, very special.
You should hear her stories...After the mastectomy she had nipples tattooed on. Her 13 year old daughter had a total meltdown (all she knew was Mom went to the tattoo shop, didn't know why...) She said, "OMG, I am SO telling Dad when he gets back into town~A tattoo? At YOUR age?? Talk about a midlife crisis!"

Any way I will be contacting those who offered help, forgive me if it takes a little while, and again, thanks so much. You guys are amazing!
XOXO

 

[isabeau]

steph hon take all the time you need. your friend sounds truly amazing and special. just remember im here i also am the go to girl for help in other places so i know where you are coming from. even us help others need help once in a while. never worry about telling your feelings. others care, such as myself. take care sweetie xoxo

isabeau

 

[crydun]

me too. and I agree with Isabeau. Take all the time you need. And pm me anytime. If I'm not on-line, drop an off-line message. You'd be amazed at how much just getting it out can help.

Here for you always.

Crydun.

 

[steph]

Thanks sweet ladies, it means a lot...
XOXO

 

[Mimi]

I haven't replied to this sooner as I did not know what to say. Hell, I still don't have a clue on what I could possibly tell you to help you through this. Isn't it funny how when someone truly needs us the most, THAT'S when its the hardest to be there for them? Sort of what you're going through right now with your friend.

I'm afraid there is nothing I can say aside from be there, be strong, and keep your sense of humor, no matter how hard it may be. That is what she needs the most right now....laughter. You'll unfortunately have time to mourn once she's lost the battle....but for now she needs strength to fight. I guess the only thing you can do is live for the moment and cherish each day you have with her. I'm especially sorry for those poor little darlings of hers. No one should have to grow up without their Mommy there to guide them, nurture them, and comfort them each step of the way. Especially when they have a Mommy as great as your friend sounds.

Just do what you do best, Steph, and be the angel that you are....



*hugs*

 

[crydun]

Thanks sweet ladies, it means a lot...
XOXO

Anytime, dearie! 🙂

 

[steph]

You're such a sweetie Mimi, your little angel made me cry! Thank you so much!
XOXO

PS~I don't know what to sayeither, it just seemed, I dunno, cathartic to get the words out somehow...

 

[isabeau]

anytime steph remember i am here. and that angel is soo beautiful. love ya girlfriend xoxo

isabeau

 

[Knox The Hatter]

I don't come in here every day, so I didn't catch this thread until now, which is why I never broached this today...

You know my shoulder's here for you always, Stephanie.

I've lost so many family members to cancer that I feel like I'm on one of those shooting galleries with the ducks going back and forth. My uncle, my dad's younger brother, was diagnosed a month ago. Here we go again.

It's the suffering that makes an ordeal for everyone. The longer it goes on, the worse it is. Lung cancer's a horror...when my aunt went six years ago, it was before the real hell on earth that lung cancer creates set in. I'm hoping that it's easy for your friend. Unfortunately, breast to bone, as you know, is all too common.

Much love...

 

[terorizer]

Timing of Things...

Hi Honey,

Oddly enough, you've crossed my mind several times the past few days... and I've been on TMF a handful of times in the past few months, so when I saw this thread, I felt it must be for a reason. I think we're all a bit more sensitive given the recent tragedies in the country, but I felt my heart drop reading your post.

There have been some awsome and wonderful words shared already. I just wanted you to know that YOU are, have been and will continue to be a blessing TO your friends. I do not know the answer to your question, but I do know that time is something we never get back and I know that you already cherish, cherish and cherish some more, the time you have with loved ones.
I also believe that the love and essence we give does not go away with death, so this remarkable friend's determination, strength and humor will always be with you.

I do not pray you find the strength you need, (I know you will), I only pray it manifests itself as soon as possible. Peace be with you.

So, as some of you know, I'm kind of the expert on dead friends. It started when I was 19 with the mountain climbing death of my high school sweetheart, Danny. I've lost some 11 friends my age since then and it really sucks.
Now I am faced with new challenge. My girlfriend, Violi who beat breast cancer 2 years ago has now been diagnosed with malignant bone cancer. As you know, you can remove a breast, you can't remove a bone so you see how this is going to end...Her attitude about it is amazing, I guess because she's been thru it before. She's cracking jokes "Oh, I can take the vomiting, loss of energy, etc. You know what I really hate? Winter's coming and I'm going to be BALD again!" She is her cute happy self and I feel like my heart is being ripped out thru my throat. I could stand to lose a few pounds but in that last month, I'm so stressed I've managed to throw up enough to lose 10 pounds~NOT the way I want to do it. She'll leave behind a hubby who travels for a living (engineer) and 2 liitle kids.
I'm so lost here, anyone ever had to PLAN for the death of a friend???How the hell did you get thru it??
TIA
XOXO

 

[steph]

Thanks so much Mellie~she is beautiful, isn't she?

Knox~thanks love~as always a pleasure to speak with you today...

TERO! OMG babe! Thank you so much! Well yanno, my mom always said I was psychic, even when I was a little kid~I dunno if you beleive in that stuff but I've always sensed you share the same gift...
If you're here in town, you know today was a beautiful day. I used my lunch to take a nice, long walk and clear my head. It helped a lot...I need to learn there are things in life I can't control. Violi (who, like me, is very Zen in her way of thinking) told me "Death is a part of life, that's just how it is. It's not like my vote counts or anything. Whatever happens will happen, it's out of my hands now..." Thank you all so much for being so supportive~Kisses!