Privacy/openness among couples

[Flatfoot]

This thought stemmed from an article I read at MSNBC.com on the Red Tape Chronicles, here.

This apparently seems to be a controversial subject among many couples, and I was wondering how you all felt. I'm of the mindset that I don't NEED to know every little detail about my wife's computer/phone activity. I don't have her computer passwords, I don't look at her phone to see what she's up to, etc. Some may feel that to be blind trust, and feel that being completely open with each other keeps both parties honest. I seem to see that mindset more among people who have been cheated on frequently in past relationships. My wife has my passwords (mostly for the sake of online bill pay, and whatnot.), but if she wanted to, she could see my Facebook, e-mail, text messages, etc., and I don't care. She's of the mindset that one shouldn't NEED privacy unless they have "something to hide". I can see the logic in both lines of reasoning, but I just don't feel that I NEED to know EVERY LITTLE THING my wife does with her phone or computer. To me, that displays insecurity. If I really had something to worry about, the signs would be there without the need to investigate. Basically, if something smells fishy, it usually is.

How do you all approach privacy in your relationships?

 

[Saeria]

This has been a pretty hot button issue in my marriage the past year. It had never really come up before since my husband is technologically retarded, but ever since he discovered several months back that he could look up porn on the internet on his own (without help) it's been a bit strange. It all started when I was running Windows Cleanup and the screen hung. I actually had a chance to read some of the locations of the cookies being cleaned out. I didn't mean to start a war or anything, I just asked him with the innocent "so this is what you're into". His response was "what's my business is my business."
Not three weeks later he's gone through every post I've ever made here (since I didn't even bother to hide it, I mean, hell... what's there to hide?) and decided to make himself all tied up in knots over a couple PM's I sent back before I came down to Texas.So badly I wanted to repeat "What's my business is my business" but I figured fair was fair.
I have fought fire with fire when it comes to him and my privacy. I just say whatever the hell is on my mind these days, ugly truth or not. I still have my guy friends, my fetish forum (and resulting friends) and my old art buddies and he can either deal or stick it.
Some information is best kept private.
P.S. If you're reading this, sweetheart, go back to porn before I get home

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

Drew & I are pretty open about things with one another. We don't go looking or asking AFA online activity, etc. But, we pretty much share the same interests anyway. If I'm sitting here doing site work or collecting images for the group and find something I know he'll like, I'll be sure to point it out to him...if he isn't already looking. He does the same with me. If he finds something he knows I'll enjoy, he brings it to my attention. This is true no matter the topic. We just like to share things with one another.

I have all the passwords for our e-mail accounts since I'm the one who keeps everything cleaned up, etc. But, I've never gone looking into his PMs, e-mails, etc. There's no reason for me to do so. I trust him completely. In the early days, he hadn't yet learned how to clear out old messages and would ask me to do so for him. I never once felt the need to open and look at anything.

There are those who've been hurt in the past and feel the need to check up on their partner. I undersatnd that. But, I would hope that they would also recognize where things are coming from and work to find peace about it. It would make for a much more comfortable...and likely more open...relationship.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

Depends on what previously happened in the relationship. If a relationship starts off based on trust and something happens to affect that, it can be damn near impossible to get over whatever happened. If one starts off based on mistrust, that'll most likely be the cause of its ruin.

The easiest thing I would imagine is not give your partner any cause for concern and go about your business. Passwords, accounts, social networking sites, who the hell has the time to go through someone else's AND your own?

 

[BellybTickler]

For me, I'm trusting of my gf, and she's 4 hrs away from me. Does that mean I will give my passwords for my pc, laptop, and whatnot . . no lol.

 

[Ticklish9's]

Trust is pretty binary. Either you trust, or you don't.

If she asked me for my passwords, I'd give them to her. She has my PIN though I doubt she remembers it. But she doesn't need to, and I don't need hers.

If I didn't trust her completely, we wouldn't be getting married. And I work hard to be worthy of the same trust in her.

It's to the point where if some guy is flirting with her and she's flirting back, I just enjoy that other people think she's as hot as I do (she is pretty freaking hot).


Trust is trust. Not trust is definitely not.

 

[venray]

Like Ann and Drew, Tracy and I share just about everything....

do I look at her stuff on her computer or phone....

no...I have no need....

But she has all of my info and passwords case I kick the bucket....

We have a very trusting and open relationship unlike the ones we had in our previous marriages......

 

[Fire_Sprite]

I don't tell her things I don't want her friends to know.

 

[LD_Tickler]

Flatfoot, I agree with you. I think that kind of attitude displays insecurity, a lack of trust, and I would be irritated by it to no end.

 

[Ticklish9's]

She's my life insurance beneficiary, which means I trust her not to kill me for 60 grand :lol:

 

[naughtylucy]

It's very simple for me. I expect privacy in a relationship, and I don't intrude on a partner's privacy.

If I didn't trust the person I was with to the extent that I felt the need to read their emails etc, then I would have to re-think the relationship, and my own attitude toward relationships in general.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone if I felt like I needed to be aware of their every move. I also would expect that he would feel the same way. I would not be okay with someone wanting to read all my text messages and look and see who I called/emailed and what sites I've visited. It's not because I have something to hide. I have never been dishonest in a relationship. It's because if the man I'm with feels as though I might be hiding something that important from him, we need to have a long talk or not be together.

 

[Angel77]

If you don't trust someone, why would you even be in a relationship with them? That's how I feel anyways.

 

[obama666]

Eventually you will grow not to trust your partner over a long period of time. You can never, ever fully know what the other person is thinking or doing. Relationships should be based on needs not on utopian dreams.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Eventually you will grow not to trust your partner over a long period of time. You can never, ever fully know what the other person is thinking or doing. Relationships should be based on needs not on utopian dreams.

While you're entitled to your opinion, regardless of whether or not you present it as fact, I respectfully disagree.

You're right - you will never know exactly what your partner is doing/thinking/feeling at every moment. That is where trust becomes necessary. Because you can't know these things, you have to be able to believe that he/she isn't betraying you with his/her thoughts or actions.

I know that relationships absolutely can exist with complete trust and without unhealthy amounts of jealousy. I refuse to settle for anything less.

 

[LD_Tickler]

If you don't trust someone, why would you even be in a relationship with them? That's how I feel anyways.

Because they're HAWT. Duh.

 

[Master Baiter]

Everyone needs their space.

Just because you're in a relationship shouldn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy.

Smothering is an unhealthy trait. It reeks of insecurity.

 

[Ticklish9's]

Eventually you will grow not to trust your partner over a long period of time. You can never, ever fully know what the other person is thinking or doing. Relationships should be based on needs not on utopian dreams.

That's not true at all, on either count. You can absolutely continue to grow in trust until you're 100 years old - my grandparents have been happily married for 55 years and counting.

And half the time Emily and I complete each other's sentences, or don't even SAY the sentences because we can just look and know the other is thinking the same thing.

I encourage you to open your heart to the possibility of true trusting love.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

When I first got here, I was in a quandary as to what to do vis-a-vis the Miz. I decided that it would be best if I told her about this place. At first she figured it was part of my innate nuttiness; however, she wound up becoming a quasi-TMFer herself.

A lack of trust in a relationship is its eventual death-knell. Trust, like plants and flowers, is grown...