Questions for those who've experienced divorce

[Flatfoot]

I know this isn't the only time I've come here with confusion, and I know it isn't exactly the place I should be going and that I should be seeking professional advice, but I'm looking for some feedback from members who have gone through divorce before. I find it easier to have the stuff typed on a screen than to be struggling to maintain a straight train of thought to poorly express something verbally to someone, probably forgetting details and mixing others up.

Before the divorce, have any of you gone trudging through marriage feeling unappreciated, wondering if your partner actually loves you or not, "enduring" it, so to speak, yet loving them more and more?

During the marriage, have any of you thought that you were possibly unhappy, but don't know for sure, wondering if maybe it's just temporary depression and things are just in a slump?

People keep telling me sooner or later I'm going to lose it, or asking me how much I'm going to put up with before I do something about it. Whenever I get so angry or upset that I consider it, the anger doesn't stay long enough to drive me to do something about it. That, and in a lot of ways, I feel locked down, mainly financially (I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I keep thinking that if I ever did go through with it, I'd be financially screwed over.). How do you know for sure when enough is enough? I can probably only get this answer myself, but from your perspectives, where does one draw the line?

How difficult was it to get straightened out financially afterwards?

Were you depressed or miserable afterwards, or were you happier? If you were depressed, roughly how long did you feel that way?

It's probably terrible to ask this, but if she's not willing to communicate such issues, would it be good for me to take the initiative and catch her by surprise, or is this something you both have to engage in to get it over with?

In advance, I appreciate your guys' help.
Sorry to be here in an unpleasant mood.

 

[Ayla ny]

my ex and I knew it was over years before we pulled the plug. it’s scary. familiar is comfortable. even if it isn’t happy... you know the deal and it’s safe.

for me it took realizing that I deserve to be happy. not just ok... but happy!

as a woman I had different financial concerns. I have a mortgage and two boys to take care of. wasn’t so sure I could do it alone. I can and have. 🙂 another guy would have to address that part for you tho, I guess. but my ex ended up ok.

it’s such an individual thing.... but I would suggest being brutally honest. it’s what made for a cleaner split for me. usually both halves know it’s not working long before the actual separation... and coming right out and calling it quits is almost a relief by that time.

good luck to you. no matter what you decide. just realize that you deserve love, appreciation and happiness. just like everyone else. if you can get all of that by working through it... then yay! save that marriage! if you know in your heart that you can’t... then get busy getting happy.

 

[dskodj]

Well, im gonna say this from experience. Get out of this ASAP if your feeling this way! In my experience i've seen that when a situation like this is going on..99% of the time your getting mentaly and emotionaly fucked with. I went through roughly 4 years of mental and verbal abuse from an evil bitch that sadly was my wife. Your situation sounds very very very simmaler to mine. I will say that if theres no comunication and you even have to question the things you do there is no reason to put yourself through it any longer. I had actualy after about 3 years of everything finally gathered the balls to split and say enough is enough and was doing great! Felt free, happy, etc. The only problem is she wanted to remain friends and I took to it like a stupid moron! This eventualy lead to her putting on a fake persona and sucked me back in after the inital seperation. What she ended up doing is getting back together with me and basicly suckered me into moving back in with her and her evil children (and I reallllly mean evil!) The sacrifice I made was breaking my lease, getting stuck paying a 1500 dollar lease break just to move back in and find out it was all a game and she had been making plans with some jack ass over the internet she never met the whole time and..the bottom line to this story is..I got stuck with a very expensive apartment I couldnt afford, found out she was running up bills under my name while we were sperated and basicly..the fuckin ********** bag fucked me bad! This all came to a hault a bit over a year ago and..im still in the financial hole trying to get out of what she put me in. The most success I did have was actualy getting out of the apartment she had stuck me in after struggling to make it in there after a few months. So...my advce..GET OUT NOW! Don't wait around and try to work something out that isnt there to work out. Be happy, be free and the right one will come along someday. I type this with such anger and feeling cause this sounds very very too familiar. If possible id like to prevent another from going through what I did.

Peace & Love,
DJ Jimmy M

 

[Haltickling]

Flatfoot, it's damn hard to judge a situation from a mere online description, without knowing you or your wife in person, and without having heard your wife's POV. So I restrain myself to a few general remarks:

First of all, you need to realize that marriages are very rarely wrecked by one participant alone. Almost always the fault is on both sides. So don't forget to look in the mirror before you put all the blame on your wife. It's a painful lesson to learn, and I wish had learnt it before it was too late.

Most marriages suffer from a lack of communication. The partners have difficulties to verbalize their emotions, their desires and their dreams. Very often, all the pent-up emotions explode in a terrible row now and then, which hurts both sides. But good communication can be learned. That's what therapists often advise in case of a breaking marriage. But it only works if the relationship is not already too badly damaged.

You need to decide if you still love your wife, and you need to find out if she still loves you. That can only happen in a calm, adult conversation. If she refuses to communicate, then tell her it's over after this last chance is gone. Catching her by surprise would be unfair and extremely cruel, IMO.

My wife and I were married for 12 years, and I was usually too busy to realize that my marriage was slowly desintegrating. So it came as a big, nasty surprise when it was over: My wife was helping me to pack my suitcase for a business trip when she told me she didn't want me to come home any more. We never had rows, but we had very little communication at all.

As we had two kids, we decided to part in peace to make it easier for them. My wife didn't claim any monthly payments (except for the kids, of course), and as my job often kept me away from home for weeks, she kept the kids.

However, I'm still not over it completely, although I was divorced 11 years ago. But of course, that varies from individual to individual.

Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck!

 

[Mimi]

My answers to your question would damn near echo Ayla's word for word.

I am currently going through a divorce myself, and I knew long before the actual seperation took place that our marriage would eventually wind up in divorce. It was doomed pretty early on, and I would say around the 6th or 7th year of our 11 year marriage, that I knew for sure it would happen sooner or later. I just kept hanging on to it, because although it was not a happy marriage, it was "comfortable" and familiar. But I was NOT happy, and I knew that I did not want to spend the rest of my life merely settling with comfortable. I wanted to move on and find someone more suitable for me. Someone I WOULD be happy spending all of my days with.

So it finally happened last year. And it turned out to be the best thing for both of us. We have both moved on and found partners were are both MUCH happier with, and we're both planning on marrying our newfound loves. Our divorce is totally mutual, and I am extremely grateful we are having a nice clean divorce.

As for you and your case...as Hal said, it's impossible to give clear advice when we can't see you in your daily life with her, and we have no idea how she feels in this matter. I guess I would echo the sediments to TALK with her...find out how SHE feels. Does she love you unconditionally, and want to stay with you for the rest of her life? And is she willing to make changes and sacrifices to better your relationship? Then you need to ask yourself those same questions pertaining to her. Do you love her unconditionally? Could you be happy with her the rest of your life if adjustments were made and you met each other half way on those adjustments?

If either of you answer no to any of those questions, chances are your marriage will never be what either of you want it to be. One of you will undoubtedly always be miserable underneath it all, and that won't be healthy for either of you.

But don't surprise her with it. Give her a chance to state her side, and see how she feels about a possible seperation. She may just agree with you, and you may be blessed with a nice clean seperation and divorce. If she does not agree with it, you two may be able to find some common ground and work it all out, and may be able to save your marriage in a manner that pleases both of you greatly.

Good luck. We're all here for you.

Mimi 🙂