luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
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A dry May and a leaking June make the farmer whistle a merry tune. 😛
Tracy
Tracy
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Quotes
- Thread starter ForgottenTcklr
- Start date
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
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If every fool wore a crown most of us would be kings.
Hope holds up the head.
Greedy folk have long arms.
Beggars cannot be choosers.
He that has a wife has a master.
Mills and wives ever want.
Hope holds up the head.
Greedy folk have long arms.
Beggars cannot be choosers.
He that has a wife has a master.
Mills and wives ever want.
ForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
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- Points
- 36
"Faith in God is like the wind. I've never seen the wind. I have seen the effects of the wind, but I have never seen the wind."
Billy Ghrahm
Billy Ghrahm
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
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True Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
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Not a quote but a cute joke
xxx[/]
Bearded Lady
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
xxx[/]
Bearded Lady
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Forgotten Tcklr don't shoot me!
Sexual Tension Quiz
Sexual Tension Quiz
(Answers At Bottom Page)
A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
(What Am I ?)
B. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
( What Am I ?)
C. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
( What Am I ?)
D. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
( What Am I ?)
E. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
( What Am I ?)
F. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
( What Am I ?)
G. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
( What Am I ?)
H. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
( What Am I ?)
I. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
( What Am I ?)
J. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
( What Am I ?)
K. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
( What Am I ?)
L. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
( What Am I ?)
M. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
( What Am I ?)
N. I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
( What Am I ?)
Answers:
A. Nose B. Peanut Butter C. Crane D. Titanic E. Tent F. Dentist G. Wedding Ring H. Elevator I. Chewing Gum J. Newspaper Boy K. Glove L. Arrow M. attorney N. Bird
Aha what were you thinking?😀
Sexual Tension Quiz
Sexual Tension Quiz
(Answers At Bottom Page)
A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
(What Am I ?)
B. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
( What Am I ?)
C. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
( What Am I ?)
D. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
( What Am I ?)
E. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
( What Am I ?)
F. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
( What Am I ?)
G. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
( What Am I ?)
H. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
( What Am I ?)
I. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
( What Am I ?)
J. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
( What Am I ?)
K. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
( What Am I ?)
L. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
( What Am I ?)
M. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
( What Am I ?)
N. I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
( What Am I ?)
Answers:
A. Nose B. Peanut Butter C. Crane D. Titanic E. Tent F. Dentist G. Wedding Ring H. Elevator I. Chewing Gum J. Newspaper Boy K. Glove L. Arrow M. attorney N. Bird
Aha what were you thinking?😀luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Hallmark cards that you'll most likely never see
These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."
"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."
"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."
These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."
"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."
"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
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- 1,696
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- 0
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can😀
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
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Bumper Stickers
Bumper Stickers
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
Bumper Stickers
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Thanks AMK74, I like your quote too🙂
I also like your logo...it's cool 🙂
I also like your logo...it's cool 🙂
amk714
Level of Blueberry Feather
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2002
- Messages
- 14,642
- Points
- 0
Thank you, Tracy! Ray designed my logo for me, and I'm getting my quotes from one of my favorite websites, which I won't post the link to so that I can continue to put up quotes one by one! 😀 And you can call me Alexander, or Alex, or Al, etc. 🙂 OK, time for another quote:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
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🙂 Thanks Alex...good quoteamk714 said:
Another quote:"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." --Dr. S
Tracy
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
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"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" --Abraham Lincoln
Tracy🙂
Tracy🙂
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live
in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do
things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't
kill you to wash your hands in between either.
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us
with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating
outside the family.
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life
isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.
They say a smile is a gift that is free to the giver and precious to
the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more
personal and sincere.
😱 😀
in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do
things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?"
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't
kill you to wash your hands in between either.
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us
with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating
outside the family.
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life
isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.
They say a smile is a gift that is free to the giver and precious to
the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more
personal and sincere.
😱 😀ForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one shall approach the father unless it is through me."
~Jesus
~JesusForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
"What's wrong, we used to sit up all night and cuddle and talk."
~Satan
"That's beacuase I was trying to get in your pants dummy!"
~Saddam
~Satan"That's beacuase I was trying to get in your pants dummy!"
~SaddamForgottenTcklr
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- May 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,835
- Points
- 36
"He who stand on toilet, is high on pot!"
Confusius (JOKE)
Confusius (JOKE)
Biggles of 266
1st Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Apr 26, 2001
- Messages
- 1,126
- Points
- 36
Journalist: Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilisation?
Gandhi: I think it sounds like a good idea...
Gandhi: I think it sounds like a good idea...
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Funny Quotes
FUNNY QUOTES
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
- Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
- Jane Wagner
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
- Carrie Snow
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
- B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
- Carrie Snow
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
- Elayne Boosler
FUNNY QUOTES
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
- Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
- Jane Wagner
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
- Carrie Snow
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
- B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
- Carrie Snow
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
- Elayne Boosler
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
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- 0
Continued
The rest of the quotes
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
- Gloria Steinem
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
- Linda Ellerbee
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
- Joey Adams
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
- Aldous Huxley
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
- Woody Allen
"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either."
- Joseph Fischer
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
- Swami X
"Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."
- Aaron Levenstein
"The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind."
- Anonymous
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
- Phyllis Diller
"When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation."
- Samuel Johnson
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
- Al Bundy
"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
- David Bissonette
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
- Johnny Carson
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
- Chekhov
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Irwin Corey
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd
"I know nothing about sex, because I was always married."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."
- Margo Kaufman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marxv
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
"A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick."
- Ogden Nash
"When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living."
- Helen Rowland
"Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
- Lana Turner
"We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him."
- Shelley Winters
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back."
- Henny Youngman
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
- George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneris
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
- Carol Leifer
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
- Shelley Berman
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
- Dave Edison
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
- Steve Bluestone
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
- Will Rogers
"Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binder
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
- Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendoza
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
- Ellen DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
The rest of the quotes
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
- Gloria Steinem
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
- Linda Ellerbee
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
- Joey Adams
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
- Aldous Huxley
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
- Woody Allen
"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either."
- Joseph Fischer
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
- Swami X
"Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."
- Aaron Levenstein
"The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind."
- Anonymous
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
- Phyllis Diller
"When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation."
- Samuel Johnson
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
- Al Bundy
"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
- David Bissonette
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
- Johnny Carson
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
- Chekhov
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Irwin Corey
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd
"I know nothing about sex, because I was always married."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."
- Margo Kaufman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marxv
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
"A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick."
- Ogden Nash
"When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living."
- Helen Rowland
"Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
- Lana Turner
"We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him."
- Shelley Winters
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back."
- Henny Youngman
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
- George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneris
"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
- Carol Leifer
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
- Shelley Berman
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
- Dave Edison
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
- Steve Bluestone
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
- Will Rogers
"Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binder
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
- Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendoza
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
- Ellen DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Confucius sayings
If you know, to recognize that you know,
If you don't know, to realize that you don't know:
That is knowledge.
Confucius
True knowledge is when one knows the limitations of one's knowledge. Some funny jokes and quotes have been posted...I have enjoyed reading them! 🙂
If you know, to recognize that you know,
If you don't know, to realize that you don't know:
That is knowledge.
Confucius
True knowledge is when one knows the limitations of one's knowledge. Some funny jokes and quotes have been posted...I have enjoyed reading them! 🙂
luv2bt&tickled
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,696
- Points
- 0
Here's your sign
Love and peace everyone....Tracy
Love and peace everyone....Tracy
