reality vs posing in relationships

[TklDuo-Ann]

The thread about cheating brought this thought to mind. I didn't want to detract from the other thread. So, I've started this one.

I firmly believe that the internet has been a tool in conditioning people to be posers. Since others can't see you (unless you want them to), you can pretend to be anyone and anything. That's fine in harmless game-playing...real games, not head games. But, it's often destructive and potentially very harmful when dealing with reality. The problem is that there are people for whom the lines between the two are not clear. This may be because of simple immaturity or emotional problems that keep people from revealing their true self. But, it's a problem either way.

Honesty is often a foreign concept to some people. We've seen this occur plenty of times here in the forums where people present false IDs and images to give people alternate ideas of who they are. We've even had people carry on discussions with themselves under two or more names. While this can seem like simple fun, it CAN be a problem...especially when others are buying into the stories being told. The saying "let the buyer beware" may be true. And, this is something we should all keep in mind and practice. But, IMO, this is NOT an excuse for people to deliberately mislead others.

I'd be interested in hearing others' thought on this topic.

Ann

(PS - Please note that this thread is NOT a place to out others who we may think/know are posing as something that they are not. Sharing of specific names in examples and finger-pointing will be editted out, lest we start a flame fest.)

 

[steph]

It's an interesting topic. In the few months I've been here, I've allowed myself to trust a little, got fooled a couple times but for the most part things have worked out to my liking.

I think a smart person takes it all with a grain of salt until they can prove otherwise. If one ALWAYS assumes people are "posers" they might miss out on knowing some neat folks.

XOXO

 

[AquaFeline]

Personally I don't know about other people, but my personality would be mostly the same whether presenting myself as male or female. It would merely be a social experiment to see how people treated ME differently because of it. Any other such delusions would follow under the same category, though I do not think it is fair to other people to make such a gross lie.

What are other motivations for posing? Do people need a motivation to deceive?

I imagine that after posing for long enough one might take on some personality traits of the persona.

 

[TicklishSinner]

the internet has given ev eryone a chance to be someone who they want to be and take all their bad qualities and make them good, and unfortunetly people are abusing the power because no one ever really knows who anyone is...I mean i could be a 72 male from Jamcia with dreadlocks that are falling out and dentures posing as a 20 year old preggo...im not, but unless you have met me or know me personally ya never really know, same goes for anyone online, i dont think anyone should falsly represent themselves online, but people do it and will continue to do it

 

[natural tickler]

Oh God, smurfie, don't let that be true!!! You with dreads???


still a goober, I see

How ya feeling??

 

[TicklishSinner]

LOL...im feeling good getting HUGE!! but you got it wrong...YOUR the goober lol

 

[Ayla ny]

there’s no doubt that sometimes people ‘suspend disbelief’ on the internet. a lot like you do when you are really enjoying a movie… but then all of a sudden… something REALLY out of the realm of possibility happens. you just kind of go with it, because you are enjoying the show. I think (hope) that that’s what happens when people are enjoying reading a “poser”. they choose to ignore the things that remind them that everything may not be what it seems to be.

I’ve done this with good books, tk stories, movies, etc… so I kind see how it can happen. the harm comes from real hope in false things, and using things that are not real as a measuring stick against things that are.

then again, I guess a lot of it depends on how much reality you really want.

side note: in a "relationship" I can't see anything but honesty being fair. everyone deserves to know the reality of the life they are living, and to be able choose from there whether or not it's one they want to live, or change.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

the harm comes from real hope in false things, and using things that are not real as a measuring stick against things that are.

then again, I guess a lot of it depends on how much reality you really want.

Agreed. I understand that people want to have a good time and that posing can be a part of that. I have no problem with that as long as they're up front about it and say that it's all play. It's when people take things too far, get others emotionally involved with them and then jerk them around with wild stories, etc. that I get annoyed. I don't care if you don't "know" the person you're doing it to. It still isn't right. These people who cry "It's just the internet." forget that the internet has become integral in many people's lives (for better or worse) and that they can and do cause real harm at times.

side note: in a "relationship" I can't see anything but honesty being fair. everyone deserves to know the reality of the life they are living, and to be able choose from there whether or not it's one they want to live, or change.

Thank-you! Finally someone who got the point. If we aren't presenting ourselves as who we really are, we're living a lie. In the end, it will bite us in the ass. {Quite honestly, there are a few people for whom I'd love to be there to watch when it does! } Seriously, though, I think our conditioned dishonesty and posing is one of the most harmful things there is in society today...in part because it ends up leading to so many other problems. I know I'll get some arguement there. But, I firmly believe this. I'm not talking about a little fantasy play. A healthy fantasy can be good. But, too often, people lose touch with which is which. When we are so conditioned to dishonesty, we lose sight of who we are ourselves. That can be very harmful to ourselves and others. I just hate seeing people get hurt or hurting others. Call me nuts. But, I happen to care about other people...whether I know them or not. It's called brotherly love.

I know we have some psychologists here in the forums. I'd love their input as well.

Ann

 

[EvlJester]

the best way to impress people is to be yourself and have fun, dont worry about what people think of you.

 

[Ayla ny]

do you think it’s “conditioning” or just plain not liking who you are so much that even pretending to be what you wish you were (or feel that you are supposed to be) is better than (or easier than) liking and going with what/who you really are?

I tend to think that that’s the case with most people who “pose”. I feel sorry for them. it doesn’t excuse what they are doing to the people who want so badly for them to really be who they presented themselves as… but it does kind of help with that whole ‘hate the sin, not the sinner’ idea(l)…

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

do you think it’s “conditioning” or just plain not liking who you are so much that even pretending to be what you wish you were (or feel that you are supposed to be) is better than (or easier than) liking and going with what/who you really are?

I think that there's some of both in most cases. I think that the conditioning of all the role-playing games, etc. that are so popular gives those who don't like themselves the idea of being someone they aren't. Then, they take it from there and move it into other areas. But, you also have some people for whom they simply like to jerk others around. Then, you also have those for whom it's simply a way to get attention. If people aren't paying attention to who you really are, fine. Just make up an identity that has proven to attract a response.

In the end, all three types are likely to be folks who are emotionally disfunctional and do it as an escape or whatever. I'm sure it is easier to do this than deal with the person you really are. The main danger is in losing yourself in the process...as well as in hurting others. I do feel for those who feel they have to do this. But, not enough to look the other way when they go too far and hurt themselves or other people in the process.

Ann

 

[giggleygirl25]

this has probably already been covered but IMHO the people that "pose",lie etc fall into 3 or 4 different catergories...they are either pathological liars who will lie morning,noon and night and twice on sundays OR they are the type of person who likes to see how far along they can string someone along with their line of B.S. OR they are just simply afraid of rejection because they know how people treat them offline and wouldn't expect anyone to treat them differently online if they knew who the poser really was.

as to why people swallow B.S. i don't know, maybe it's easier to accept a fantasy than the truth.


eeep shoulda read Ann's post before i posted, she said the same thing...sorry

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

eeep shoulda read Ann's post before i posted, she said the same thing...sorry

Better watch out! I've got the wet noodle ready to start swinging! 😛 Seriously, though, you DID add some categories to what I said...though I think they tend to fall into the others if you dig enough.

Ann

 

[shdwcoder]

But, you also have some people for whom they simply like to jerk others around. Then, you also have those for whom it's simply a way to get attention. If people aren't paying attention to who you really are, fine. Just make up an identity that has proven to attract a response.

In the end, all three types are likely to be folks who are emotionally disfunctional and do it as an escape or whatever. I'm sure it is easier to do this than deal with the person you really are. The main danger is in losing yourself in the process...as well as in hurting others. I do feel for those who feel they have to do this. But, not enough to look the other way when they go too far and hurt themselves or other people in the process.

Ann

Whether they want to jerk pople around, get attention or get revenge for imagined ills, these people rarely consider the damage they may do to innocent people around them. They are basically functioning in self-centered mode. The ones who are most likely to suffer from this behavior are those who are inately honest themselves and expect others to be honest as well. These posers can be skilled manipulators. I guess I can feel for those who do this out of some sense of worthlessnes or pathology, but in my opinion, the majority of the posers are out for what they can get, regardless the cost to the victim on hte other end. Is the person on the recieving end a victim? You might say never trust anybody and you won't fall for a poser's line, but then if you never trust, you won't find true fulfillment, either. So, one puts forth an honest face, an honest personna, and if accosted by a manipulating poser, feels a sense of betrayal, maybe questions self worth. Yeah in my mind, they've been victimized.

Karen

 

[Ayla ny]

I still think that the primary motivation with these people is that they don’t like their lives or who they are (but as someone I love very much likes to constantly remind me… I’m a sofy lol).

I do, however, have to agree that it takes a great deal of self-centeredness to not consider what it’s doing to the people (person) you are ‘playing’.

a little more empathy in the world would do wonders.

 

[AffectionateDan]

the best way to impress people is to be yourself and have fun, dont worry about what people think of you.

F@*&in' A right! Well said.