Rules for being a Republican...

[ticklishbbw]

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery".

You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.

You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas whilecutting their VA benefits.

You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.

You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.

You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".

You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant".

You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.

 

[the_Baron]

and thats why I belong to the GOP.

 

[JoBelle]

Just for the counterpart.

Both of these lack the wit that I like in attempted satire, but eh....it's the way to blow them both. When you stack them both up....this is why I am no longer affiliated with either "party."

Jo

How to be a good Democrat:
1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

 

[Roseblossom]

... owe it to the country to bail out Oliver North...

Presidential pardons worked real well, too, for his honorable compatriots.

LOL thanks, BBW - pointy stuff!

~Rose~

 

[venray]

Re: Re: Rules for being a Republican...

Presidential pardons worked real well, too, for his honorable compatriots.

LOL thanks, BBW - pointy stuff!

~Rose~

As well as for Billy Bob..........

http://jurist.law.pitt.edu/pardons6a.htm

 

[Roseblossom]

As well as for Billy Bob..........

Ah guess ya wuddn't aware that "Slick Willy" is the preferred soubriquette used by the ignert cheap shot purveyors.

My bubba Billy Bob don't 'preciate it - he's gone get nuke-ular on yore ass. I'd avoid Texas for awhile if I's you, eastern dandy!

~Rose~ 😛

 

[venray]

ROFLMAO!

(and I always avoid Texas....doesnt everybody???)

😛 😛 😛 😛 😛

 

[tommytikl]

To add to Joby's Democatic theme...

You have to believe that Bill Clinton was in the wrong place at the wrong time when getting a blow job from Monica.

You have to believe there is no God and Bang here you are.

You have to believe that a person can't make money without government help.

 

[venray]

Re: To add to Joby's Democatic theme...

You have to believe that Bill Clinton was in the wrong place at the wrong time when getting a blow job from Monica.

You have to believe there is no God and Bang here you are.

You have to believe that a person can't make money without government help.

You believe that you have a candidate currently campaigning that can actually fool enough people to win the next Presidential election........


😛

Ray

 

[Shem the Penman]

Re: Re: To add to Joby's Democatic theme...

You believe that you have a candidate currently campaigning that can actually fool enough people to win the next Presidential election........


😛

Ray

As opposed to getting enough Supreme Court Justices to throw the election in your candidate's direction?

 

[JPie1]

Go Shem!! No after all this we sit here and say who is the worse of the 2 evils?? However I will not vote for Bush or any of his croonies even on my death bed...

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Now, this was a great thread...lots of fun.
Some of Joby's are on target, some are funny, and some don't apply to me. I really walk in lockstep with no one.
However, BBW (who from her picture, bears an almost frightening resemblance to someone I once knew; we're talking a possible twin sister that she might never know about kind of thing here!) hit home. Guess what, folks! There's a growing number of true, doctrinaire Conservatives out there, in government, and even in the media who think this administration has about as much to do with real Conservatism as the rhythm method does with safe sex. From what I can glean, through my own observations, this administration is only concerned with authoritiarianism.

 

[ticklishbbw]

However I will not vote for Bush or any of his croonies even on my death bed...

I second that!! I can't even watch Bush give a speech. I'm afraid I'll throw something at the television!

tbbw

 

[ticklishbbw]

BBW (who from her picture, bears an almost frightening resemblance to someone I once knew; we're talking a possible twin sister that she might never know about kind of thing here!)

I have a twin?? That poor woman! 😛

tbbw

 

[Jimblast]

After Jobelle's post, and after nodding my head as I went down her list of what you have to believe to be a Democrat, I've decided that if intelligence is sexy, which makes her one very very sexy woman. So, how ticklish is she? Hmmmmm....

 

[dreamboy]

Chin up!...There's always Ralph Nader

 

[intense tickler]

Both BBW's and Jobelle's post were both quite witty and as Jo's had a few home truths for us left of center and progressive. I thing BBW said alot about the puritanical hypocracy of the religious right and corporate america thanks BBW. 😛

 

[sushi854]

I did find both posts to be witty and amusing, although it's probably no secret that I enjoyed bbw's more. Jobelle's #12 certainy works, but don't forget it reads the same backwards: "You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution." Great posts though, makes me realize so many see voting as selecting the lesser of two evils in this country.

 

[Deleted member 2452]

thanks to both ladies.

naturally i found the ones about being a democrat to be funnier, and truthfull. but i have to give cudos to thew author of the ones poking fun at us republicans.

it may suprise you you learn, that not all of us republicans go along with all that stuff. there are several that i would be in complete agreement with you pinko-liberal-commie-fags.😀

steve

 

[sole seeker]

If I may interject. I can tell that all of you have a sense of humor. You must - you pay attention to politics.



A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a republican," said the balloonist.

"I am," said the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded. "You must be a democrat."

"I am" replied the balloonist, but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."