Safe Words

[ktickler]

Hi there:

I am not a lot familiar with bonding or extreme tickling sessions. However, I was wondering about the use of a safe word and the expectations about it.

I have read people who pick such wierd safe words that efectively the victim cannot say it while laughing. Hence, it is as if there is no safe word.

I have also read about the "respect" for the use of the word, so that the session is not constantly interrupted because the victim keeps saying it.

Could somebody please tell me what the rules are regarding the use of a safe word? When to use it? How to make the session safe but at the same time enjoyable (not unecessary interruptions)? What are good safe words?

Thanks,

Knight Tickler

 

[MistressMia]

A safe word should be part of the tickle play. A safe word should be simple to say and easy to remember, such as "mercy" or "blue".

At the beginning of the tickle session, the guidelines should be established. Remember, these are guidelines and not rigid rules.

Simply ask your partner to try not to over use the safe word. Also remember that a paid tickle session will at best, result in partnering up with someone that is very ticklish but not necessarily a ticklephile. You must simply accept that a safe word can and most likely will be used often.

I realize that there are some people that are tickle slaves and therefore refuse to use a safe word. This is completely acceptable, especially if it enhances a session for the ticklee and makes it more fulfilling. In this case, the tickler would need to be in-tune with the ticklees needs and responses.

I hope this helps.

 

[Haltickling]

As some ticklees are so ticklish that they are unable to speak because of laughter (have you ever heard that soundless laughter? Delicious!), I've always used a cough as safety signal. This can always be imitated, no matter how hard the laughter.

And it serves another purpose: If a 'victim' swallows the wrong way, he/she'll get into serious breathing problems, but they utter a cough involuntarily. So, if this is the safe signal, a short break will follow, and the real danger of suffocation is over.

To prevent the 'victims' from using the safe signal too often, I tell them that each time they use it, the torture prolongs for ten more minutes... And most of them know the story about the boy who cried 'wolf' too often!

The safe signal MUST ALWAYS be obeyed immediately and unquestioned, regardless the tickler's level of passion. Like in all SM play, it is a matter of trust. Once the trust is gone, it will never return!

 

[ktickler]

Crystal Clear

Hi,

Your answers were exactly what I was looking for.

Thanks a lot...

Bye,

Knight Tickler

 

[Blackstar216]

Safe word rules should simply be agreed upon by all involved.

 

[Kujman1]

Many of us have written about this subject, and everyone agrees differently because their play styles vary so much. The majority are lighter players using little more than token bondage (which is cool if thats all you seek)- so they need and desire safe words, and most of that tickling is used as foreplay, or at party settings.

But if you're a really good top, you can read your victim... in fact, you monitor them so close that you know what they need before they do. Of course you need time, and trust, in those situations. But when safe words are used, they are almost ALWAYS over used, just as you said. There can be no realism in a scene, no panic, no head space- no totally letting go... why? Because the "bottom" controls the whole scene.. which is kinda screwy cause the "Top" should be doing that.

I wrote an analogy many years back and have used it over and over- and it still holds true. Using safe words is like giving the riders of a roller coaster complete control of the brakes. You'll ruin the ride every time. Let go and live a bit. Most people reading this are intelligent, thoughtful adults- or they wouldn't be bothered reading it at all and possibly learning something new for their partner... so trust yourself! Take the training wheels off and try it on two wheels. Rely on your own common sense to guide you- and you'll be just fine.

We use many themes at our events, and others are free to use safe words as long as they stay in character- but to date, no one has ever used them. TG and I never used them, not since the day we met. To us, it would be like seeing a person on a rack in a medieval dungeon during the Inquistion ...and he cries out "Blue", or "Peach Bannanadacari", or "Mymotherputsdketchuponhercheerios", and the torturer just STOPS.

Then he asks "Hey, you need a sip of coke?"...

....and the scene falls flat.

Also, over the last few years, some ticklers have misused the safeword issue, promising to stop at the mention of the safeword and feigning trust of all kinds... merely to gain a partner for tickling... but once tied, you are still at that person's mercy. It all relies on honor. I'm sad to say some of them didn't have any.

So a safeword scene is only what YOU make of it and what YOU want it to be. The only rules are what YOU create. Be true to your mate and all will be fine. But one day when you're ready give the highwire a whirl without the saftey net, and you'll be on a whole new ride my friend!

 

[dvnc]

non-verbal safewording, and also my $0.02

A trivia note, since none have yet mentioned it - it IS possible to do a non-verbal "safeword". Commonly, a handkerchief is placed in the bottom's bound hand, and play STOPS if that leaves their hand. Mind you, this only works for those folks who retain some semblance of muscle control when tickled (or flogged, etc.), and depends on the binding. There are a variety of tricks when such a non-verbal safeword isn't possible, such as the use of string to a bell or noisemaker, etc.

Safewords aren't preferred by all, and clearly, some of our senior players don't use them. Heck, some of them don't need 'em. For you that are beyond such clairvoyance, it's the one safety that tends to keep a 'lee from panic.

Taking from Kujman's analogy of a roller coaster, keep in mind that it's a lot longer than a 'coaster, a lot more intimate, and as such, is for safety with new partners. Most experienced couples (i.e. couples that have experienced each other enough) will know better. I can't recall the last time I heard a safeword called when I played, but I still stop when I hear the word "safeword".

Yeah, it breaks up the scene. It's encouragement to consider your partner, and play more often. Once you know your partner, or have mastered the reading of non-verbal communication, it's rarely necessary (for you), but it can make a big difference when playing with someone new to the scene.

dvnc

 

[Rusty Shackleford]

This be a little bit evil....

***

 

[Kujman1]

evil is good

I wouldn't worry bout it, it's not evil at all. In fact you sound like fun!

But you raise a good issue and illustrate my point well (not that I'm picking on you)...As I said above, too many people in this community walk as though they're on thin ice constantly- worrying wether or not they're "too harsh" or "too evil" or if they're being "PC" or not. God forbid they should break a sweat, muss they hair, go one inch too far, or dare to go five seconds too long. What are we anyway? Kids? We're intelligent adults who KNOW what we're getting into. And first off, you should be getting into it with some of you're own limitations and trustworthy.

Slowly but surely people are waking up and trying deeper scenes.

If you can't live life a little bit on the edge now and then, and come out of a shell and taste all it has to offer- then really, what good is it?

I for one will never go to my coffin mumbling "Man... I wish I would have done _____ just once in my life"

 

[dvnc]

choice is good

There is no "evil" in not using a safeword, if that's what you negotiated. Adults can, and should, negotiate as they see fit.

For instance, Kujman has always had his stance on this, for as long as I can remember seein' him online, and likely longer. He STATES such, though. There's no pretence or duplicity. His is an honest approach.

That, I can respect.

If you're not going to use a safeword, being honest about not using such is the only dignity left.

So long as you're honest with your partner, it's perspective, as to whether you're "doing the right thing". Keep in mind that we are often using bondage, which many find abhorant. Those of us that volunteer to use such are adults, and can, and will. Tricking someone into bondage or ignoring their safeword is entirely different.

So long as I don't find yet another woman in our scene that's been traumatized 'cause some guy wanted to act out a fantasy and didn't clue the play partner, or actively lied ("Honest, baby, I'll look out for you."). I've met too many people joining gatherings for the first time, that relate such experiences, and have met more outside gatherings that experienced the same.

Consider, though, that Kuj has been playin' for a LONG time, and does read people in scene reasonably well.

Also consider that you don't find many people that will admit to anxiety attacks in their family, but pushin' those folks in a bondage scene can literally scare 'em to death. You don't know if they have hostility problems, and will literally knife you for scaring them TOO MUCH. It's a tricky deal. Most of us never meet the mentally unstable, but we all should be clued to being HONEST about such. If your top doesn't know something, your top can't prevent such, can they? What you say, to clue your top, is for YOUR good as well as theirs. That doesn't include those that have afflictions that will kill them. If they fail to tell you, and you off them 'cause you didn't listen when they screamed, well, you'll serve a shorter sentence, but you'll still be in prison.

If they cross that line, and you live, which most do, you can prosecute, and likely sue 'em while they're serving. Mean, but true.

It's easier to negotiate, even if the negotiation was to agree to no safewords. Kuj was honest about such, and has always been thus concerning safewords, so anyone entering a scene with him couldn't do such, as he SAID that he'd not allow anyone an out save for what he perceived as a problem. That's fair, legally. At that point, IMHO, if you enter that, you've no right to complain. Just be clear about such when you enter a scene. IF you agree to no safeword, AND you don't clue your top to ALL your limitations of health, you're relying on that top to read you accurately. That's a dangerous game. Some can do that. If they can't, well, I hear from their former play partners over and over and over...

Well, that was more than $0.02 worth. Needed stating. Either side's reasonable, so long as you and they CHOOSE to do so and the bottom defines their safety limits.

ever explicative,

dvnc

 

[Kujman1]

Safe words..

DVNC said it best- but I guess I should clairfy our feelings and standing on safewords (other than feeling they take away from the scene and are overused) lest someone think we simply ignore them.

As I stated in my first post- we don't stop anyone from using them at our events, as long as they stay in character even after it's used (EX: it's a theme event- and after calling out your safeword, an inquisition victim or harem slave or kidnap victim would NEVER say to their tomentor- "Hurry up and get me a God___ drink, you moron!"... no no no no)... we don't care to use them among the more intense players, and certainly not between TG and myself.

BUT..... if someone really wants to play with us, but is new, or unsure about themselves, or may have a health issue, yet really really want to meet and play: then we have, and do, abide by their safewords. I'm very upfront about it all- and even with those that had safewords, they never used them... as I said, it all depends on what type of "Top" you are.

 

[ktickler]

Thank you!

Hi there:

I would like to thank all of you for answering so thoroughly my question. This is more than I ever would have expected. Very helpful and very insightful.

Thanks,

Knight Tickler