So tell me....

[TicklishLurker]

I posted this as a blog in my LiveJournal, but I rarely - almost never - get replies there - and I do want an answer. And you folks are good about giving answers without being rude and saying "Go get a blog" like on other sites.

I've been told I'm too picky when it comes to men. I just don't think that's true.

I'm a non-smoker and a singer, so I don't want to date a smoker.

I don't like drug abusers - lived through drug addiction with two of my 3 older brothers, so I don't want to date them.

I eat meat and have had nothing but bad experiences with vegitarians/vegans so I really don't want to date them either. (I've actually been threatened with death by some - saying they'll blow my brains out if I continue to "slaughter animals.")

I rarely drink, I enjoy the occastional beer, glass of wine, or fru-fru drink, maybe once every 2 or 3 months, so I don't want to date someone who abuses alcohol or someone who totally abstains and will look down their nose at me for my occastional drink.

I dated an athiest and he treated me like crap. So I want a guy who's not overly religious, but aknowledges there's something bigger then man.

That same athiest was also a huge Star Wars fan, whereas I prefer Star Trek, and he would tell me I was an idiot for liking Star Trek better. So I want a guy who has a lot of simuliar likes and dislikes - we don't have to be exactly the same, but we've got to like some of the same things - especially music. If a guy denies me my Broadway musicals, Barry Manilow, big band music, I'll just die inside. Music is my heart and soul.

No one too political as I hate talking about politics.

Someone who treats me nice with a touch of old fashion flare. Opens doors for me, pulls out my chair, offers me his arm, etc. While still treating me as an equal. Yet at the same time, takes charge and makes the first moves - first kiss, first seduction, takes charge in the bedroom without being cruel about it.

I want a guy who's not afraid of publice displays of affection - I'm not talking about full on groping PDAs, but small ones - soft kisses on the lips, holding hands, putting his hand on the small of my back. I've been told I'm a "nice person but too fat to be seen with in public." I need those little things to make me feel good. Let the world know "I'm with this woman and I'm not ashamed, I'm happy, even proud, to be with her."

A man who's willing to tickle me silly.

He must like dogs.

He has to appreciate moments of immaturity. Not be embarassed if I chose to use a short wall as a balance beam.

Intellegent but never talks down to me.

For pure shallow lust reasons I'm really only attracted to older men. Between 40 and 70. A touch of grey in the hair, some wrinkles around the eyes, nothing's sexier to me. I also have a thing for men with big noses. Don't ask me why, but ever since my first ever crush - Mr. Spock (I was 3 years old) - men with big noses really lights my fire.

I don't think wanting a guy who's kind to me, dominate at times but also treats me as his equal, who loves music and dogs, and all the rest isn't too much to ask. But everyone else says it is.

Honestly, what do you think? Am I too picky?

 

[isabeau]

no i don't think you are too picky...too bad you didn't know my dad..he had a rather big nose..you have every right to expect what you want from a relationship..good luck hon...

 

[Speedbump]

Everyone's going to expect the love of their life to be everything they want. There's next to no chance of that happening. I would think it'd be better to look for someone who's really interested in you, and thus, interested in what you like; someone who's open to all your stuff, while you're equally open to all his.

Having some things in common is a must, but you can't expect 'perfection' (everything you want), or you'll be too disappointed.

All in all, you really just gotta go with how you feel over anything, I suppose.

 

[TicklishLurker]

Having some things in common is a must, but you can't expect 'perfection' (everything you want), or you'll be too disappointed.

Well, I don't expect perfection or to be exactly alike - but I've had experiences with men - both dating and just friendship - who had totally different likes then me and they always treated me badly. Acting like I was totally in the wrong because I'd rather listen to Elvis then the Beatles, or prefer Kirk to Solo. Which is why having some of the same likes as me is important. I just don't want to have to go through the whole "You're an idiot for liking this when you should like what I like because I said so" thing ever again.

 

[Speedbump]

Well, I don't expect perfection or to be exactly alike - but I've had experiences with men - both dating and just friendship - who had totally different likes then me and they always treated me badly. Acting like I was totally in the wrong because I'd rather listen to Elvis then the Beatles, or prefer Kirk to Solo. Which is why having some of the same likes as me is important. I just don't want to have to go through the whole "You're an idiot for liking this when you should like what I like because I said so" thing ever again.

That's more personality, rather than conflicting interests. Sounds like even if you had things in common, they would still have treated you badly.

For example: I don't like Star Trek much at all, but if I fell in love with someone who enjoyed it, then I would watch it with them and try to get into it just to have something new to talk about, and to be together to do something with the person. Why should it matter what music they listen to? I may not enjoy it, but I'm not gonna call them stupid for enjoying it, 'cause it's hypocritical, as they probably wouldn't like what I like. If they wanna go to a concert, or, in your case, musicals, well it's more time spent together.

That's how I think things should work. You should be taking part in each other's interests -- you may even end up liking them. Those that would call you stupid for liking certain things, well, I would say they didn't care for you, perhaps, quite as much as you cared for them?

Just my opinion. I've given up on finding someone who's into the stuff I'm into, but either way isn't really working for me, 'cause I suck at this stuff. 😉

 

[chicago]

Finding a man with all of those qualities is going to be really difficult if not impossible, however, I don't think you will have trouble finding a person with most of those qualities.

 

[Redmage]

I don't think that you're necessarily too picky, but it's possible that you're picky about the wrong things in some cases. There's picky and picky.

For example, there's nothing at all wrong with wanting to avoid drug abusers and alcohol abusers. But I don't think you should disqualify someone simply because he doesn't drink, as long as he doesn't get snarky or upset when you do. Likewise, I don't think a potential mate necessarily needs to be apolitical, as long as he respects your desire to avoid politics. And I think a vegetarian is fine as long as he's willing to respect the fact that you aren't one (though for a long-term arrangement, it will be a little complicated to cook for both of you).

In other words, I think that there are a few places where what you're really looking for is a polite and easygoing man who can treat any differences between you respectfully. That quality would make a lot of the other qualities you're looking for unnecessary.

The only way that I think you might be too picky overall is if you INSIST that any man you're involved with MUST have all of these qualities. I think it would be better if you prioritized them in terms of "Must have" (such as "no drug abuse") and "nice to have" or "must be at least somewhat this way." That will make your search a lot easier, IMO, since very few people will meet any long list of qualifications exactly.

 

[TicklishLurker]

Well, I've always had bad experiences with vegitarians/vegans, which is why I want to avoid being in a relationship with them. It's not like I'm totally inflexable, it's just like wanting a guy who likes some of the same things as me - not all, just some so we have something in common to begin with - I'm just scared from too many encounters with the psycho type. I've met a lot - I'd say about 80 or more - and almost all of them were crazy in some way.

The drinking thing is basically the same as "doesn't talk down to me" and the political thing. I don't want a guy who rolls his eyes or glares at me if I want the occastional Guinesse. And I tend to be middle of the road in my politics, trying to look for compromises - which ticks off both sides and I don't like to fight.

 

[Deadsea7777]

Well the river is full of fish, your put your line with the bait, let see what bites it!. Maybe it would not be salmon as would be ideal, but a nice trout could do.
Good luck!

 

[Edge]

Part of being a woman I think is being too picky. Most women are.

 

[maniactickler]

You have to do what makes you happy. im the pickiest bastard youll ever know. in fact, i dont know if ill ever find a woman im happy enough to have a serious relationship with. but ill have to deal with it.

 

[TicklishLurker]

You have to do what makes you happy. im the pickiest bastard youll ever know. in fact, i dont know if ill ever find a woman im happy enough to have a serious relationship with. but ill have to deal with it.

Well, my "pickiness" though evolves from uber bad experiences. I mean, some things like the smoking, drug abuse - well, that's a major thing because smoking destroys the singing voice and lung compacity. And drug addicts - I've been through that with two of my brothers and I don't want to have to go through that with a lover. I suppose I could be more flexible - but dang it, I don't see what's wrong with wanting a guy who has some of the same likes as me so we have common ground to begin with. I'm not expecting him to be a Trekkie or a Fanilow. But I do expect him to get Brent Spiner's joke on his CD Ol' Yellow Eyes Is Back when he calls his backup group (made of LeVar Burton, Johnathan Frakes, Michael Dorn, and Patrick Stewart) The Sunspots.

 

[Mastertank1]

Vegans aren't that bad.

Every one I've ever dealt with has tasted delicious when properly cooked.
And no, they do NOT taste like chicken. More like Javelina.
😉

 

[TicklishLurker]

Ug....

I'm allergic to pork, MT. Violent stomach cramps and all that.

 

[Mastertank1]

In that case;

I'm allergic to pork, MT. Violent stomach cramps and all that.

You are NOT cut out to be a cannibal. 😎
There's a reason they call it 'long pig'.
The other white meat indeed!
So, if one who eats vegetables is a vegetarian, I guess I'm a humanitarian?
Seriously though, if you find a guy who meets 8 out of ten, I think that's about the best anyone can do.
luv
Me

 

[TicklishLurker]

Seriously though, if you find a guy who meets 8 out of ten, I think that's about the best anyone can do.
luv
Me

And I assume you say that because you meet 8 out of ten....

 

[steph]

rhetorical question...

With all your "requireds", what do YOU bring to the table for them? This is not a personal attack and no need to answer it here, just a question to maybe think about offline...
XOXO

 

[Cavum]

I dated an athiest and he treated me like crap. So I want a guy who's not overly religious, but aknowledges there's something bigger then man.

Is it typical American that christians are simple minded, stupid and don't respect anything else that this so called God? In that case I feel sorry for you

Good luck 🙂

 

[TicklishLurker]

With all your "requireds", what do YOU bring to the table for them? This is not a personal attack and no need to answer it here, just a question to maybe think about offline...
XOXO

Let's see, I'm loyal and therefore would never cheat, not even if the relationship turned sour. (Obviously I'd either suggest we get help or break up, but you can be assured I wouldn't be sleeping with other men/women behind your back.) I can cook - though I do need a recipe to follow, but seeing how some women can't cook even if a master chef was hanging over their shoulder giving them instructions.... I try not to fight and cause conflict. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I'm good at remembering little likes and dislikes that most people don't remember even in the course of a 50 year marriage. I'm good at growing things, most children and animals like me. And of course I'm insanely ticklish and told I'm good in bed.

As for the other comment about us Christians being small minded - that is an unfair stereotype. All I said that I wanted someone who believed there was something bigger then man. I didn't say he needed to be a Jesus freak. Seeing how I don't believe that "one true religion" crap.... I do believe a religion can be wrong and/or evil, but I don't believe one can be better then the other. It goes back to not wanting to be told I'm an idiot just because I believe in God. Nor be grabbed on my upper arms so hard that bruises are left behind. (Yes, the athiest abused me.)

Is it so wrong that I want the one I end up with to treat me nice and with respect instead of like crap like in the past?

 

[The Sean Man]

There's nothing wrong in knowing what you like and what you want. I've seen far too many people 'settle' for somebody, which led to misery down the road.

 

[TicklishLurker]

There's nothing wrong in knowing what you like and what you want. I've seen far too many people 'settle' for somebody, which led to misery down the road.

You sound like my mom. LOL

You know what's frustrating to me here - and is probably leading to frustration to my advice givers because they probably think I'm not listening to them - is this whole business of thinking that because I said I wanted SOME common interests they apparently think I want him to like all the exact same things I do. All I said though was some. Some common ground. Now granted, I hate rap, heavy metal, and country and I abhor sports. So yes, I would like a guy who didn't listen to/watch such things. But if the guy prefers Rolling Stones to Elvis Presley it doesn't matter. At least he would be more likely to put on an oldies station then hip-hop nation or the ball game. And it would be nice to be with someone who, unlike my father, doesn't fall asleep during Phantom Of The Opera so we can discuss it afterwards. But I don't want someone who likes all the exact same things as me. Our likes/dislikes should compliment each other, not be so totally dissimuliar that it causes friction.

You know, I used to like Star Wars. Yes, I prefer Star Trek, but I enjoyed Star Wars too. It wasn't until Wars fans started in on me, telling me I was stupid and ragging on Trek all the time that I started to hate Star Wars. I can't enjoy it now because it's as tied up with bad memories as classical music is for me. (My 6th grade teacher would play classical music, especially Beetoven, while tearing apart my self esteem because she believed people shouldn't use products to make them smell better like perfume or anti-persperant - and I did.)

Nor did I say the guy had to be a Christian. I don't care - I don't even go to church because I don't agree with a lot they have to say. All I said was he had to aknowledge there was something greater then man. It doesn't matter to me if he's Christian, Jewish, Pagan, or even just not sure what he believes so long as he agrees that man is not the end all and be all of existance and there's something bigger then us.

So where are people getting the idea that I'm looking for the male version of me? I'd be so dang bored in such a relationship. Yes, I do want a guy who would rather go to a quite jazz club or even stay home then go to some place where the "music" is so loud you can't think. I never said I wanted a guy who'd like the same jazz club I might like.

 

[Speedbump]

You sound like my mom. LOL

You know what's frustrating to me here - and is probably leading to frustration to my advice givers because they probably think I'm not listening to them - is this whole business of thinking that because I said I wanted SOME common interests they apparently think I want him to like all the exact same things I do. All I said though was some. Some common ground. Now granted, I hate rap, heavy metal, and country and I abhor sports. So yes, I would like a guy who didn't listen to/watch such things. But if the guy prefers Rolling Stones to Elvis Presley it doesn't matter. At least he would be more likely to put on an oldies station then hip-hop nation or the ball game. And it would be nice to be with someone who, unlike my father, doesn't fall asleep during Phantom Of The Opera so we can discuss it afterwards. But I don't want someone who likes all the exact same things as me. Our likes/dislikes should compliment each other, not be so totally dissimuliar that it causes friction.

You know, I used to like Star Wars. Yes, I prefer Star Trek, but I enjoyed Star Wars too. It wasn't until Wars fans started in on me, telling me I was stupid and ragging on Trek all the time that I started to hate Star Wars. I can't enjoy it now because it's as tied up with bad memories as classical music is for me. (My 6th grade teacher would play classical music, especially Beetoven, while tearing apart my self esteem because she believed people shouldn't use products to make them smell better like perfume or anti-persperant - and I did.)

Nor did I say the guy had to be a Christian. I don't care - I don't even go to church because I don't agree with a lot they have to say. All I said was he had to aknowledge there was something greater then man. It doesn't matter to me if he's Christian, Jewish, Pagan, or even just not sure what he believes so long as he agrees that man is not the end all and be all of existance and there's something bigger then us.

So where are people getting the idea that I'm looking for the male version of me? I'd be so dang bored in such a relationship. Yes, I do want a guy who would rather go to a quite jazz club or even stay home then go to some place where the "music" is so loud you can't think. I never said I wanted a guy who'd like the same jazz club I might like.

Just because one Athiest abused you doesn't mean they're all like that. I've known many that are really nice and wouldn't hurt anybody, and act just like anyone else. I am agnostic myself -- there could be something out there (whether that be a god, or some giant aliens that'll kill us all!), but I'm really not gonna overly worry about it.

It's cool that you don't smoke, or do drugs, though -- that'll win ya some brownie points. =D

It's so amazing how hypocritical everyone can be; bashing one thing because they don't like it, but thinking everyone should love what they love, etc. I used to watch Star Trek: Deep Space Nine or whatever, 'cause it was the only thing on at night back in the day, and I enjoyed it. Though I hear many Trek fans weren't so into that one. =p

That sucks about your 6th grade teachers. Teacher can be such asses for no reason sometimes. Pointing out things you're doing to embarrass you for no reason, etc., but whatever, you seem to have come through it all right.

Phantom of the Opera kicks ass, by the way. Hm, I also dislike rap, hip-hop, country, etc. -- not that I listen to the music you do in either case -- and I'd also prefer to either go somewhere quiet or stay home. Also don't like sports.

Depending on age, you should live closer to me. 😉

In any case, I hope you can manage to find someone with enough similarities and complimenting interests that you can love and give candy to. Lots and lots of candy.

 

[steph]

Nothing wrong with it at all.
XOXO

Is it so wrong that I want the one I end up with to treat me nice and with respect instead of like crap like in the past?

 

[spareme]

sense of humor

Let's see, I'm loyal and therefore would never cheat, not even if the relationship turned sour. (Obviously I'd either suggest we get help or break up, but you can be assured I wouldn't be sleeping with other men/women behind your back.) I can cook - though I do need a recipe to follow, but seeing how some women can't cook even if a master chef was hanging over their shoulder giving them instructions.... I try not to fight and cause conflict. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I'm good at remembering little likes and dislikes that most people don't remember even in the course of a 50 year marriage. I'm good at growing things, most children and animals like me. And of course I'm insanely ticklish and told I'm good in bed.

As for the other comment about us Christians being small minded - that is an unfair stereotype. All I said that I wanted someone who believed there was something bigger then man. I didn't say he needed to be a Jesus freak. Seeing how I don't believe that "one true religion" crap.... I do believe a religion can be wrong and/or evil, but I don't believe one can be better then the other. It goes back to not wanting to be told I'm an idiot just because I believe in God. Nor be grabbed on my upper arms so hard that bruises are left behind. (Yes, the athiest abused me.)

Is it so wrong that I want the one I end up with to treat me nice and with respect instead of like crap like in the past?

I don't post much, but your thread popped into my head a couple of times today, so I thought I'd take a stab at it.
I don't think your asking for too much. Smoking, drinking and drugs are valid reasons for not wanting to be with someone. The other choices you made are more personality related. I think someone who is kind, considerate,respectful, and intelligent, and has a good sense of humor is the best choice. Someone who is kind and considerate would show an interest in the things that you like and be able to compromise, and someone with a good sense of humor would be able to laugh with you over things you disagree about.
I personally have noticed that I attract the most attention from others when I am feeling self confident, happy, and content with myself. People like to be around people like that. The more people you attract to yourself, the more likely you are to meet a special one. Love yourself so others can love you. Good luck!