Sole Seeker's Joke dejour

[sole seeker]

Ain't It The Truth...

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" - She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
10. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next! to you saying, "Damn... that was fun!"-
11. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
12. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
13. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
14. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
15. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
16. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
17. Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
18. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
19. Bumper sticker of the year: If you can read this, thank a teacher... and since it's in English, thank a soldier.

 

[qjakal]

New to me...

6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

🙂

Q

 

[venray]

13. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference

😀

 

[sole seeker]

patients in a mental hospital

I'm going out of town for the weekend, so I'll post an early update:


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[sole seeker]

CAT TOYS

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!".

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling ornaments she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter....and not succeeding nearly well enough to suit me.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

Why is it that only women laugh at this?

 

[MissBeeHaven]

#12 When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
That was hilarious!!

 

[sole seeker]

a little too kinky...

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.

She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin.

Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"

He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."

 

[steph]

LMAO!
XOXO

 

[milagros317]

LMAO 😛
Some very good ones in this thread, Sole Seeker. 😀

 

[sole seeker]

Dirty Old Man

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique" he said.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?", asked the jeweler.

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. "You old fart, you lied ... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I just had?"

 

[sole seeker]

senior citizens' bus

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, TX to Branson. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away..."

 

[sole seeker]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

 

[sole seeker]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

[sole seeker]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

 

[milagros317]

LOL 😛
Good one, Sole Seeker. 😀