Teenager Help

[HS7Z]

Hello,

I’m 18 years old and I have lived in London (UK) all my life, I attended secondary school and I am now looking for employment.

I have a few problems which I have thought deeply about but I feel I would prefer it if I could get some feedback from here.

I have never, ever had a girlfriend and I have hardly any female friends, I’m still a virgin and proud of it, I try not to follow the sheep by going out ‘on the pull’ (which in my opinion is VERY desperate) and shagging any old tart I find in a gutter because I have morals and pride in myself.
I do not drink alcohol, smoke or take drugs, plus I do not like clubbing (I hate it, it’s too expensive, you can’t hear yourself, everyone is pissed as farts, and all the women I see in these places I feel are not worth my time taking seriously), however I do occasionally go out for a meal in a pub with my male friends approximately every 2-3 weeks which I enjoy.

I have always been praised by my family, friends and other people I know for my good standards such as excellent hygiene, my politeness, friendliness and understanding, I am very popular but I’m not someone who boasts about it because I don’t care whether people like me or not.

I consider myself to be very good looking (I’m vein I know, sorry!) and I care for my body and who I am, I walk a whole 20 miles in one go every single week just to relax and keep fit, plus I do other physical activities but I do not want to work to have large muscles because I know how hard they are to keep once you achieve them.

Occasionally I get girls give me signs when I’m out, I have approached girls in the past but all of them have rejected me because of peer pressure.

A girl the same age as me who I know has already made it clear to her friends that she likes me a lot but because of peer pressure she holds back and acts as if she does not, and unfortunately she has been warped by the media that she feels she has to be super slim (she’s not even fat, she’s really curvy!) and because of this I have learnt that she makes herself sick, which has upset me a lot as I know I could defiantly make her feel human and love her for who she is, but at the end of the day it’s her own decision and if she can not accept my offer to help that is her own problem.

I would prefer to go out with a girl who does not drink or smoke and has morals (and tickling as a fetish but it's optional!), could anyone give me any advice on how I would do this, I have began looking around but I would just like some help in finding my feet.

As I said above, I’m still a virgin and I’m really proud of it because I do not let peer pressure get the better of me by making me feel as if I need to loose it to someone who I don’t love just to fit in with a crowd, plus I know I’m STD-free and not a father (and not one for a very long time yet I hope!).

Please help, I'm confused and I don't know where to turn, I feel I'm not designed for this world, I was put here by accident, I'm a decent person living in a undecent world. 🙁

 

[Artoo]

Hello there!

Yes, you might be a decent person living in an indecent world (you aren't the only one!), but does that mean you should conform to the sloppy standards of the majority of people? Judging from your post, it seems that you would hate yourself for doing that.

If you're interested in finding a girl, than deliberately looking for her is going the wrong way about it.
Let me explain. You probably won't know how you feel about a girl until you know her, and then, if you like her, you will know, if you know what I mean. But you probably already know this, which is why you don't go "out on the pull".

I would advise you to leave aside the "looking for someone" thing at the moment. It seems to me like you need to gain a little confidence in yourself (and I don't necessarily mean in your physical appearance, well being and popularity) before you will be ready to get into a relationship.
If you are using your partner as an emotional crutch of any sort, the relationship will not work. I know, I've been there.

You'll find, as you get older (hark at me, an aged 21 year old!) that people will begin to respect you for your moral attitude, rather than belittle you for it. In the meantime, bite the bullet, and gain some confidence - speak to new people, forge new friendships, talk to girls; the best thing you can do to enhance your social skills is to practice them!

I apologise for the ramblyness of this post, I hope most of it is comprehensible.

Happy practicing! 😀

 

[elkcit86]

Hey there

Im in a similar boat to yourself. I woulkd also love a nice girl, but im only into girls feet, which is a problem, a big one. i think the guy above gave really good advice, i cant really as ive never had any experience, best of luck. Im also 21

 

[HisFlyinFingers]

artoo makes excellent points, and you should follow his advice as best you can, but you also need to understand some things about yourself. I've been in the same position you're in, and I've definitely said to myself those same things.

The fact is, when you're single and you see a girl with the slightest problem, you convince yourself that you are the solution to that problem. Love does not fix eating disorders, however, and the girl you spoke of should see a doctor. In the meantime, there's nothing you can do about it.

As for not being right for this "undecent world," yeah, everyone feels that way when they're a teenager. You might have special reasons for feeling that way, but there are two things you should understand: first, you are far from the only 18 year old in London who is a drug- and alcohol-free virgin -- in fact, the whole Straight Edge movement revolves around not doing those things. Second, the feeling that you don't fit in fades as you get older.

Follow artoo's advice and it will fade a bit faster.

 

[tickles]

Hi HS7Z,

Thanks for such an honest, open thread. I am 45 years old and have been where you are. I remember feeling, when I was in my twenties, that the world was too harsh for me. I had wished at times that I was born earlier in history. I thought the good ol' days were kinder, gentler times. We have all felt that way from time to time. This will pass.

One thing that strikes me when I read your words is that you seem to be waiting for something to happen. I think Artoo is right when he states that you have to "put yourself out there". Your personal standards are rules for YOU to live by....the people you encounter everyday will live by different standards just as vehemently as you live by your own. Not all conversations need to have a goal in mind. Talk to girls just to get to know them...no romantic inclinations....the same with male friends....take yourself out of the equation. The world and the possiblities become vast when you start to learn about other people and enjoy them for their differences. Your confidence in approaching others will increase and I guarantee that the ladies will respond. The girls in your age group are just as intimidated and fearful of rejection as you are....especially when a guy is mysterious and not putting anything out there....it's a hard read for a girl. I too can be shy....I still have to push myself when I am out of my comfort zone....but it is so worth it!


Look, you don't have to breach your morals...just get to know others by YOUR initiative....keep an open mind and don't expect others to believe the way you do....accept them and enjoy learning about THEM. In turn, they will get to know what cool guy YOU are!..good luck.

 

[steph]

Very, very normal. Try not to worry and let it runs its crappy course but still work on your plan for the future. It's a lousy age. Everyone who wants to be there already was and only wants it because of all the energy, youth, etc. that fades as you grow older. Anybody who thinks they have it all together at your age is either fooling themselves, a very good actor or will look 60 by the time they're 40. Trust me, this is as bad as it gets. You'll never feel so lost, like a bigger dumbass ever again. You've got relatively little experience with anything that matters and you have no control over your life~your folks are typically pulling the strings and you've no choice but to go along. You have no job and if you do, it won't be your career and relative to the rest of us "grownups", you have very little money. So, yeah, it sucks, it's designed that way. So you appreciate the good stuff that comes later! Oh, you think you know at all but in 10 years you'll look back and think, "What in the BLOODY bleep~how could I have been such a moron?" Trust me, it's what that age is for--for finding your way...

Here's the good news. It gets better and better as you get older. MUCH better. You center, become more sane, put up with a lot less BS and aren't afraid to tell anyone unreasonable who tries to force you to. You make your own money, buy your own house and come and go as you please. A few little lines and a couple extra pounds is a small price to pay. I'm over 40, FWIW. You hang in there. Congrats on staying straight edge, BTW, it will take you far~and she's out there for you, somewhere. Stay busy, keep up with your studies and keep working on being the best YOU that you can be.
XOXO

Please help, I'm confused and I don't know where to turn, I feel I'm not designed for this world, I was put here by accident, I'm a decent person living in a undecent world. 🙁

 

[luv2tikl]

I desperately searched for a girl for most of my life, and the one I ended up with had been right in front of me, as a friend, all along. The best dates are people that you know, or people that you can get to know, before dating, as already mentioned several times.

If you're as nice a guy as you say you are and you're putting yourself out there, then there's bound to be a girl that will love you for that. It is rare, but it happens, it's happened to me a couple times. There are girls, though few, out there who don't fit the mold of the rest of the world (partying, sex, drinking, drugs) and they will really appreciate it if they can find a guy like that, because they're pretty rare as well (I consider myself to be one of them); the kind of guy who will, as you said, make them feel human and love them for who they are, a guy that isn't extremely immature, who wants a relationship over sex... If you find a like minded girl and make friends with her, she'll more than likely appreciate you for being you.

Just a question: are you Christian? Your morals sound very Christian, I was just wondering. If you are, the church is a great place to find like minded girls. It's not like you're looking for sex, so I don't see a problem with looking for friendship within the church. If you're not, however, that's your discretion. You are very likely to find a girl with your standards in a church, but they are, indeed, outside of church too, but I'd doubt the church would appreciate a non-Christian coming looking for girls, lol, and also if you're not you might not want a Christian girlfriend, but it's all just a suggestion. Like I said, there are definitely girls outside of the church that will share your values, they just may be harder to find.

Anyway, hope I've helped a little. Just remember, you've got to crawl before you can walk, and walk before run, and likewise. You need to make a friend before you can make a date, otherwise it's just going to make it harder on you.

 

[KrazieDog]

You say you are popular, but don't have many girl friends. But you do have some don't you? If they are close friends and you trust them, ask their opinion also. As people that know your first hand, they may have insight that you and we do not. Also, do they have friends that you fancy (yes I used that word ) and if so, have them put in a good word for you. Same goes for your guy friends, if you are as popular as you claim, then all the guy friends probably have girl friends they may be able to introduce you to also.

Another question to look into is if all the girls you are approaching are succumbing to peer pressure, what is that peer pressure exactly? Is it that their friends that keep saying you aren't right for them? If thats the case try to find out what it is that making these people tell them that. You mentioned you are vain, maybe thats a turnoff to them. But above all if you meet someone and you think there is a connection or spark there, don't yet a couple friends shoot you down. Arrange to talk to the person at another time when you can better gauge how they feel or so that they can get to know the real you and not another person's conception of you.

Another thing, if you are part of the straight laced crowd, which is nothing to be ashamed of, and you want only another straight laced person that is one thing, but if it's just a general style you are looking for, then don't get tunnel vision on single things. Take the drinking for example. I have quite a few friends, both male and female that drink a glass of wine with dinner when we all go out, or even a beer at the pub, but rarely, if ever drink at home. So seeing them out at the pub watching a ball game drinking a beer may turn you away from getting to know a really sweet person. Just something to think about. Same thing with tickling. Of course we'd all love the SO to have a tickling fetish/love, but some of the best people on this forum, some that are couples/married and some that are single, will tell you they had no interest in tickling until a current/past boyfriend/girlfriend turned them on to it, and now they are just as hooked as the ones that have been into it their whole life.

Artoo really hit it on the head with the "looking for someone" point. The best relationships I've had in my life came about when I was not actively looking for someone. It's one of those things that you can know someone causally all your life, but then they come out with you and a big group of friends and see you in your element when you are relaxed and really be excited, entertained, all mushy inside thinking "wow I never saw this side of him, and he really looks like a fun/interesting person that I HAVE to get to know more about". Sometimes that turns into a best friend for life, a great friendship, or even a lifelong partner/soulmate. The sweet/oddest thing someone ever told me, after getting their friend to "hook us up" was, "after getting to know you through group outings, I had knew I just had to have you in my life in some way, whether it be dating, friendship or whatever". That's some powerful shit to tell someone and it has always stuck with me. We did date briefly but it ended up being the best friendship I've shared with a single person. And this was someone I knew very casually for 6 years before. You just never know.

One last thing is, trust all of us, the way you see things at 18 change every year as you grow older. And I'm not talking when you are old and gray. You see things a lot differently, even by 23 that make you laugh at the way you used to see them. It's not a bad thing, just part of growing.

So in closing: Go out and meet new people (girls too), lots of people, everybody. Don't focus on "have to find a soulmate now", get to "know" people. As that group expands, through association, that group will expand even more. Ask other friends, who know you personally, the same things you've asked us. Don't lump people into preconceived groups within your own mind, find out what they are really like.

Always remember you are not alone out there. Everyone else is looking/wanting the same as you; that person out there that will make them better then they are by themselves. All we can do between that time is establish quality relationships with people even if it's just in friendships. Good luck to you and keep smiling.