The long and painful goodbye

[Mitchell]

I've already talked to a couple of you about this, but for others I just wanted to post. I had an event happen in my life yesterday. For some of you who know me, you know that I have had many problems with my father since I've been here. He was very verbally abusive to me in my childhood, as was his mother and brother. When my parents split up in 1989, we were estranged for years due to his abuse of me. There were brief reconciliations, until an event in April 2000 where I collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital, and my mom called him, as she couldnt stand to see us estranged. We have been together for the last 3 and a half years, but it has been awful. There has been no time spent, or holidays or events shared, no effort to make up for lost time. All he wants is that I should give him a "Complete life" by unconditionally forgiving those who hurt me in my life, and those who he hurt me for. As I may have posted, my father had a recent angioplasty, and although I had wanted to be there to support him, he told me not to come, saying I would cause trouble with his family, who were there. This was furthest from the truth, I was not going there to see them, it was to see my father who was having an angioplasty and to support him.
Yesterday we met for the 1st time in 6 mos, and it was awful. He kept telling me how he knows so many who do not see their children, and how life goes on. This is a saying he has told me before. He also told me that even though my business is rough, I have to stay with it, because Iam not capable of doing anything else, and essentially called me a dunce. He also makes constant degrading remarks about my weight, calling me fat, distorted etc etc.
There is a financial issue to this too. He has a habit of always cutting me off financially when Iam in the middle of doing something. He had always promised me a college and grad school education faunded by him, because hes well off, and Iam his only son. In undergrad school, he threw me out of school by refusing to pay for what would have been my senior year of college, without giving me any notice to get loans etc etc. He had business issues, and I later found out it was his ex business partner who forced him to pay my undergrad edcuation. He promised me grad school, but never came through, and instead was content with being estranged. When we got back together, he had promised me certain money to fund my business. Yesterday, out of nowhere, he informed me he will be cutting ties with me financially in March 2004, once again cutting me off right in the middle of when I need him, just like in college or grad school. This is not a case of financial hardship, the guy lives in a $4000 a month NYC apt, and although he says hes had some recent business troubles, chooses to maintain that life style while cutting my hopes and dreams just like he always does. This not to mention how he has kept my mom from getting an alimony increase she deserves after 12 yrs by threatening to put us in the street if she tries to go back to court to get more money, which shes entitled to, because her income is now lower than when they divorced due to a dried up investment. The guy is a vile human being, and it is clear we dont belong together. He claims he will give me these three months, and then after that, he had told me he doesnt care what happens to either me with my business or our relationship. We will tie up the financial issues, and then be estranged for good. This guy is not a father, by any stretch of the imagination. I have tried over and over, but he has proven he doesnt give a damn, both with his treatment of me over his family, how he never sees me, verbally abuses me because he doesnt respect a 34 year old mans right not to see people who have hurt me. I will now be forced to take a different course in life.. again.. after being thrown off track so many times. I will stay in my business, and either try to raise some capital by selling certain meager possessions my mom has, as she got slaughtered financially in the divorce, or getting a job. I dont have to stay with an abusive guy who constantly harpoons my hopes. So, unless a miracle happens, which it wont because he doesnt care, as he told me, he knows lots who dont see their children. The estrangement will occur when he ties up financial business in March 2004. Iam devestated, angry, and hurt. Although it may be difficult for a while, Iam convinced in the long run that Iam better off without him. He doesnt love me, and doesnt give a rats butt about my future, as he proved with what he did with my education and now. I know I may get some strong feedback both positive and negative, but these are the facts. I despise my father. He is a vile, contemptuous, rotten human being. Iam very shell shocked, but I'll get over it. Iam sure Iam going to get some strong reaction to this both positive and negative. So, over the last 3 months, we will tie up our business, and it will be the long goodbye, and then, we will finally go our seperate ways for good. I have no idea what the future will hold for me financially, but I will finally be at peace.

Mitch

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

You don't know me, and I don't know you. I'm 21 and your 34. But we do have one thing in common. Our lives have been flung into disarray over one thing or another. While I doubt your father is the sole root of all your problems (not that I'm saying you think that), what he has done is well.....evil. I can't find a better word than that right now. Hes cut you off not just as a son, but as a human being, and the very thought of that and your current life practically brings tears to my eyes.

I know theres nothing I could say that would make you feel the slightest better about this, but I would ask you one thing- Do you believe in God? If you don't, or your not faithful or religious please take no offense to my question. I just know from personal experiences, and some of them with my own father, whose now dead, that God can work miracles. We just have to call out to Him, pray, and immense ourselves in His Holy Light. I'm sure you've heard this before (or maybe not) from any number of people, but I truely believe in my heart of hearts that if you call out to Him, He will surely answer your prayers in one way or another, or give you the tools or strength to carry out what you must do for the betterment of your life and those of your loved ones.

I hope and pray things turn out for you, and you recover from this most dark time in your life.

Best wishes & may God continue to Bless you.

- Damien


PS: I know it seems impossible, and I know you've given your father the benefit of the doubt many a time. But for your sake, mentally, psychologically, physically, and even spirtually, please do not hate him. No matter how many times he strikes you down, love him anyways. I know this is almost impossible to ask, but love your father to the grave. Even if a relationship with him in this life is impossible or fruitless, pray for him till the very end. Pray for his soul, his conversion, and that he may be released from the bonds which tie him down and keep him from being the human being, the man, and the father he should and CAN be.

 

[Tamedblueeyes]

Here I have to disagree

Although such a course of action might make Mitchell feel good in the short haul, the long range goal is rarely achieved by impulsive actions. I would simply deal with the man as a business associate until March and then part company. It might be a good idea to ask him why he is withdrawing his assistance at this time when he is at the same time saying that you should stick with it. He may be doing what sometimes parents do when they are not good at being supportive but are trying to help use a sort of "tough love" attitude, thinking it will shake up their kids to do as they think we should do. Stupid, misinformed parents, but never always from an evil place. I would call him on it when he is degrading with something disconcerting like (Very calmly) saying: "Are you trying to degrade me on purpose? Because that's how you are coming off." After the stammering and excuses ask him why he would act that way with his son. I don't know your history, but after a certain point, there are some times when you just have to rip off the bandaid and end the relationship. He's not the only person in the world with money and if this business isn't what you want to do, consider this an opportunity to bail. "Dad, I know you want me to keep up this business, but since I would never be able to handle it fiscally at this juncture I think my time is better invested elsewhere." Sorry, DAD can't have it both ways. And if he says anything overtly ugly, then just cut him off. Tell him that you aren't going to fight with him or allow him to make hurtful comments to you. You can't control his behavior, but you can control your own. While it's always hard, because no matter how heinous they are, we always want our parents to love us. Sometimes parents are just heinous humans and we have to excise them as we would a tumor. I hope that you can work this out in the best manner possible so that YOU are happy. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

Autumn

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you all for your supportive comments, they are much appreciated. Just to clarify one thing. Satie, since you dont know the history, I can give you a bit more background on my father. It isnt "toughlove". What it boils down to is that the guy just doesnt want me to have a good life. He wants to punish me over and over again due to his vendetta against me. There are things he has done to my mom and me that I cant post on here, due to the fact that they are touchy legal issues, personal, and not appropriate for this forum. I will say this much. In addition to his abuse, he subscribes to me unconditionally seeing people who hurt me, and who he has hurt me for. Simply put, the man should never have had children. He does not know how to be a father, or how to love a child, of nay age. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment, from the day the child is born until the day the parent dies. My father does not understand this. Part of it is that he sees me as my mom's child, because she and I have a great relationship, and not his. I think part of what he does to me is to get her goat, due to his irrational hatred of her. She was a loving wife to him for 21 years, and a wonderful mother to his son, while putting up with his verbal abuse, and his family's. In return, he was a vile husband and father, and divorced her at age 50, leaving her and me in bad financial shape as he and his various women lived royally in New York, and went to the finest places. The guy had been in treatment for years, and has been diagnosed with severe psychological problems, that he refuses to fix, because he refuses to listen. I had therapists who told me after the divorce and during the estrangement that I should have nothing to do with him, due to his treatment of me, and yet I went back, time and time again, because I wanted to have a father, and Iam a forgiving person. This is the last straw. He has done this to me too many times, and it is time for it to be over. Most important, being the child of an abusive parent, I need to make sure that I do not expose my children to him, or Iam as bad as him. I have had years of therapy, so I have dealt with many of my issues, and have the capabilities of being a warm, loving normal parent and not like him. This is the story. Anyhow, thanks to all who posted for their support. It is a painful time, but expressing feelings and dealing with it with friends support helps.

Mitch

 

[desdemona]

Mitch,

I wasn't aware of the extent of your hurt and the strength of your convictions towards your father. I appreciate the courage it took to open up on the forum and share an obviously painful subject.

For me, the perspective has always been a bit different. We have a lot of divorce in my family and lot of rifts that have left large chasms. One thing I've learned, you can't choose who you are related to. But you can embrace those who support and love you with the same love and respect that they show.

Growing up, I had the benefit of two parents who loved and supported me. We had a solid family feeling. When my parents divorced, my father quickly remarried and moved to Indianapolis - about an hour from where I was going to vet school. I hadn't heard from him since I finished undergrad. And the only news I got from him when he moved was of his upcoming marriage. The next time he contacted me, he asked to come to my graduation from vet school. I was sorely torn as I didn't want to cause my mother pain - after all, she had come to visit me (a three hour drive) on numerous occasions and helped me during the rough times over all eight of my college years. After my father promised that he would come alone and not bring his new wife, I acquiesced and got him an invitation.

Meanwhile, my mother's family stood by me all the way. My grandfather even came up during one of her long car trips. And my aunt - who inspired me with her love and compassion of animals to become a veterinarian - she would come, too when she could. And when she couldn't, she'd send me a little money so I "didn't have to live on PBJ or mac and cheese" as she put it. My father? He brought a book to read during the long ceremony...and I never heard from until...

My sister's wedding. She always kept ties to him - no matter how many times he brushed her off. She borrowed money to cover her wedding - largely from the aunt that I mentioned above. I think dad gave her enough to cover the deposit for her reception. I really don't know. Now, she has persuaded him to relocate to Cincinnati after his third marriage has collapsed, he's past the age of retirement, and he has no one. Of course, it didn't take much persuasion on her part.

I have no wish to further the animosity between you and your father. Nor does my story parallel yours in anyway. But I would merely point out that life is too short to spend with those with such a negative outlook. And if you continue giving him ammunition by seeking contact with him, then you allow him to win by getting to you emotionally. I closed the door on that chapter of my life and unless my father shows a more mature attitude than he has in the past 32 years, I don't think I'd even give him a courtesy discount if he showed up at the clinic. He's no more than another client, another person as far as I'm concerned. Don't regret the past - look to the future and move on. That's my advice. I'll let you know if I can follow it myself 🙂

 

[tkrexx]

Amen, Mitch. I hear ya. I haven't seen my Dad for almost a quarter of my life (That'd be 10 years), and I don't miss him. I was to blame for him being trapped in marriage at age 18, you see, and I was never allowed to forget it, even when I was too young to understand. But a few years back he cut ties with most of the rest of the family also, and no one can figure out why he's being such an asshole...I just smile and say you just met him. Of course they look at me in a most confused way, but...In his defense, he's become a very good father to his step-daughter, and her daughter as well. At least he'll be remembered well by someone, and I can't and don't fault him for that. It kinda makes me feel good that maybe he learned from his past mistakes.

I can't offer a quick fix for what you're going thru, Mitch, there is none. What I can say you probably won't like, but it's true: The old man's right, there ARE alot of fathers and sons who do not communicate. Life goes on. And you'll get strong for going thru this. And the best thing: YOU will be a much better parent simply by NOT following your father's footsteps. I can attest to this. My 19 year old son and I have the relationship I always wanted with my father. It's truly a beautiful thing. Oh, we've gone thru some shit, ALOT of shit, but it always strengthened what we have, and we never gave up on each other. I guess that's the key: BOTH parties have to want the relationship to survive, much as in a marriage. If there's only one, well, that's the one who will suffer. For your own sake, Brother, don't suffer any more. Finish your business with the old man, say thank you, and put it behind you. Take no more steps backward. It's easy to say, hard to do, but it can be done, and you'll be more content in the long run. You obviously can't make the old fool happy, so concentrate on you own life. There will be rough spots, you'll get angry, you'll cry, even 10 years down the road you'll think of things you should have said to him, but then it'll be over again and tomorrow you'll worry about today.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I sympathize and empathize. Reading your post and writing my reply has again made me re-live my past. Be glad you're an adult. You don't have to tolerate the abuse anymore. Heal. Find your peace. Get happy with yourself. No one can take that away from you.

Rxx

 

[BigJim]

Mitchell, check your inbox mate. 🙂

 

[Dave2112]

Mitch, I had a stepfather who was in my life since 4, so he was pretty much the only male in my life for most of it, so that's pretty close to being Dad, I guess. So I can relate a bit.

This guy was a control freak from the word Go. He shoved his lifestyle down my throat, his beliefs down my throat, his religion...you see where I'm going. Then, when I got old enough (ripe old age of 7 or so) the physical shit started. When I was a teenager, we really started getting into it heavy. This guy didn't even drink or do drugs, so we couldn't even chalk it up to that. He was just a plain, evil asshole. So bad that I actually came close to killing him in his sleep at one point. Seriously.

He left when I was 16, years passed, a lot of bullshit in between...and one day I'm 25. He shows up at my Mom's place one day out of the blue over some years-old legal shit and starts in. She calls me, I show up and the shit hits the fan. With all those years of pent-up rage, I pretty much went medieval.

I haven't felt clean since.

The point is, I can fully understand your anger and hatred, but don't let it fester. I felt really good about it for about a year...then I grew into who I'd become and realized that I sank to a level I'm not comfortable with. You have an opportunity here to close it for good, if that's what you want to do. I'm not going to pretend that I know the intimate details or the dynamics of your paternal relationship, but to me it sounds like you, he or both have decided that it's not important enough to fight for. Actually, it sounds like you've already accepted that you don't want him in your life anymore. Although I'm a strong supporter of the family unit, there are times when it does more damage than good if the relationship is irreparably fucked.

Make it a clean brak, though, and don't carry all of the weight yourself. Accept the things you did wrong and live with them, you can't go back and change them. You learned something at least, and that will help you grow in the long run. Accept the things he did wrong as things out of your control. You can't change him, either. Whatever you do, don't spend years in regret or torment yourself with revenge. It is not worth it.

Keep us informed and let us know how you're doing from time to time, ok?

- Dave

 

[crydun]

Mitchell

Words can't express the sorrow I feel for you right now. Unlike other posters, I can't rave on about bad parents and the screwed up mess that they make some families. However, I believe that God will deliver you from this, one way or another.

I want to thank you for posting this:

1) it took courage to do so

2) You are a ministry of your own. By reading your post, I realize how truly lucky I am to have two loving parents.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you need me, I'm only a PM or e-mail away.

God Bless you,

crydun

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you for the post, crydun. It was heartfelt, and I greatly appreciate the thoughts and prayers. Yes, you are very lucky to have two loving parents, that is wonderful, and Iam happy for you. Iam lucky also, as my mom is the best mother alive. She has always been my source of comfort and strength even in the years we were a family, and he was verbally abusing her as well. As you can imagine, her rage at him is great. She cannot imagine how she had a child with such an evil man. All I can say is that I will find a way to survive through the love, prayers, and thoughtfulness of my family, friends, and the TMF. I have done so before when there were estrangements from him, and I will do it again. I know that strength of character will get me through this difficult time.

Mitch

 

[JoBelle]

Mitch,

I'm deeply sorry for the pain you're going through. It's obvious in the words you're choosing. I could never understand the minds of people who can so easily throw a child away, abortion, abandonment, or you name it. My heart goes out to your there.

I do have issue with part of your post that seems out of whack to me. You've gone into great detail about his financial relationship to you. Did you feel that since he wasn't an emotional support that he somehow owed you a financial support? I mean, let's face it. The guy's a creep and a candidate for hell. What would possess you to rely on him for your financial stability? I mean, fooled once, shame on them...fooled twice or more...whoa...can't lay the blame on him anymore. Seems you're at fault for those mistakes and it would be alot easier to see a positive future if you owned some of that before you planned the rest of your life.

We all make mistakes that are easily clumped in with the horrors committed on us by others, but unless you take your medicine, you'll be blaming him for everything bad that ever happens to you. Don't live as his victim. He deserves the blame for the emotional crap he put you through, I'm not saying he isn't. Just be sure you don't pass up a learning experience out of anger.

Joby

 

[Mitchell]

I do see what you are saying Jobelle, and I understand your point. However, one needs to understand the dynamics of my relationship with him. Just before we got back together the last time, in 2000, I had been receiving letters from him saying how he missed and loved me, and wanted to do everything he could to aid me financially, etc etc. My reason for going back with him was that I was incapacitated and my mom called him. It is like any abused person who goes back to the abuser in hopes they'll change. While I realize that I had and have responsibility for how I react, I guess in my mind after we went back, while he legally owed me nothing, there was a moral obligation for him to aid me for all the crap he put me through. Maybe some dont agree, but this is how I see it. I also figured that parents have a responsibility to attempt to fulfill their children's hopes and dreams if they can, via aiding them with college tuition, money, etc if they have it. I have a friend who's parents were by no means good parents, and they aided their daughter by investing a large sum of money in a business she wanted. Her business was a success, and today she is a very wealthy girl in her 30's. Had they not done that, she would not be a success. My point in always going back to him is that I wanted a father, I have a strong sense of family values, and had hoped and prayed after all the estrangements and all the time, that he would change. Maybe I was naive, but my mom was very bothered that her child was estranged from his father, the man who gave me life. As I said, maybe my thinking was off, but hoping someone will change is no crime. I realize now that he never will, and that an estrangement is best. Thanks for the post.

Mitch

 

[BigJim]

Well put Mitch. 🙂

 

[JoBelle]

Mitchell,

That was, as Jimbob said, "well put."

I do understand the emotional tie and the desire for it to be there. My sister in law has a similar situation with her father. It's a universal wish that unfortunately, many people can't grant for some odd reason.

I do differ on the point that parents should continue to do for their kids after they reach maturity and have other options. If they are generous, then that's great. Expecting it is a different story. No offense meant, just a difference of opinion. 🙂

I wish you luck. I also wish you a good partner in life that will give you a heart full of peace.

Joby

 

[BigJim]

I'll apologise to Mitch in advance if I'm mis-interpreting him, but didn't he say that as the man had nothing for him throughout most of his life, that he offered to do this to make up for it? (Pay for adult schooling.) If I'd acted as badly as the man did, then that's what I'd do to make amends for being such a duty-shirker.

 

[JoBelle]

If I'd acted as badly as the man did, then that's what I'd do to make amends for being such a duty-shirker.

Retribution for sins is a good idea, but I've found that people who shirk duties as a lifestyle year after year are not the ones to be trusted with things that matter.

$.02

 

[BigJim]

Retribution for sins is a good idea, but I've found that people who shirk duties as a lifestyle year after year are not the ones to be trusted with things that matter.

$.02

I totally agree with you Joby-Wan, as I do on everything that isn't politics or religion related.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Hi, Mitch.
First off, I do understand Amnesiac's anger. I don't think it's a good thing (LOL) but I do understand.
I understand your mess here too. I'm 42 years old, and it's almost every day that I come up with yet another reason to be angry with my parents, there's always another epiphany. They have an inkling about my feelings, but there's this terrible fear of bringing it all out in the open. I think my parents have had enough of going through years not talking to loved ones over stupid, meaningless shit, and I'm not ready to go that far yet, even though my experiences rank as something substantially more than meaningless.
I only wish that you could make that break sooner, that you could tell your father to ram everything up his ass, and that when he dies, he will die alone, that in all likelihood, the only company there when they lower him into the ground are the union employees digging his grave. I wish for you to tell him that you don't need him, or his abuse, that you don't need those other relatives either, you don't need his gelt, and you don't need the heartburn either. In fact, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you tell him, "gae in drerd."
After everything you've gone through, he deserves it. I think I've gotten to know you a little bit, and I've always seen a terrific human being. You deserve better, Mitch. Far better.
My parents have always felt that verbally abusing both me and my sister was a God given right. Any time we returned the compliment, it's "how dare you talk that way to your mother?" The fact that you might be thirty eight doesn't ever seem to see the light of day.
Yeah, check your inbox, Mitch...