The Onion Demands My Money; I Demand They Eat My Asshole

[c7_assassin]

In what may be an awful, awful sign of things to come, The Onion, probably the most consistently hilarious and on-the-mark satire of American society ever, has recently decided it isn't fair that we all get to appreciate their jokes on the internet for free. They recently began offering paid subscriptions to their website. If I want to read about Area Man and his weird smell, or Obama beheading his jester for making jokes about the debt ceiling, The Onion wants $2.95 a month from me, or $29.50 a year.

In related news, I want the publishers and staffers of The Onion to line up and eat my asshole.

Now, it's not that I don't understand the concept of paying for something I like. And I like you, The Onion. I like you so much, in fact, that I own several of the books that you've released over the years, plus the satirical history textbook you put out. Those are things that anyone would pay money for. But at the end of the day, your website is just a website, The Onion, and there is no respectable way to claim that your jokes are so awesome that only people who purchase a subscription should be able to read them in the first place. If you take yourself that seriously, you are no longer funny. You are *****s. And as *****s, you shouldn't mind eating my asshole like I told you to just now. I also know that you are trying a lot of new things that probably cost money, like that new web series. But I'm not responsible for your business model, The Onion. I'm responsible for my asshole, and specifically how much of it you are going to eat.

You've spent years ruthlessly skewering capitalism and corporate greed, The Onion, and you've made yourselves a lot of fans doing it. And to now become the greedy corporation yourselves...well, let's just say I have a way for you to clean that taste of stinking hypocrisy out of your mouths. Can you guess what that way is?

Hint: It involves my asshole.

<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/?action=view&current=Myass-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Myass-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
Dig in.​

 

[kered]

Now that was a well written and thoughtful commentary. Thank you, C7.

 

[Jagermeistered]

If they had a freelance marketing crew to look for sponsors, and sell the websites traffic. I'm pretty sure the website could maintain its free material.

 

[Myriads]

Given their massive traffic (which = bandwidth), streaming costs, and staff that keeps the volume of material going, I wager that they have been surviving on the ad model up until now, but the balance is starting to tip, and they need to gain extra revenue to keep things going at the level they are. It's not inexpensive to do what they are doing, and the perverse math of the web is that the more successful you are the more it costs to stay up and running.

You pay a cover to see a good comedian at a club. Or for HBO for humor specials, or for the Onions books or real paper newspaper, if $2.95 a month (less then one gallon of gas) is too much for the enjoyment you feel you are getting from the material, then it seems the material wasn't really worth too much to you to start with, and it's loss should have little impact upon you.

Myriads

 

[Jagermeistered]

It could also be the group is taking on more than they can handle(i.e. accepting more writers, etc...). The founders allowing writers(from the outside), into their group. Thus creating great exposure... Creating an increased overhead.

That's the difference between entrepreneurs and leeches. The leeches are funny, but not smart enough to create a product/service.

 

[giggle-maker]

Hell, at $29.50/year they are even giving you a 2 month discount! But if your stance is based soley on principle then the amount isn't part of the discussion.

 

[Amnesiac]

I agree. $2.95 a month is fucking PEANUTS, and therefore not a rip-off, especially for the work they put out. If people actually get as pissed off as you over free entertainment becoming a commercial product at 1952 prices, then whatever valid opinion you might have about the effects of encroaching commercialization are offset by your psychotically juvenile and pathologically selfish petulance.

These people are satirists/entertainers...not freedom fighters.

 

[Jagermeistered]

I have to call bullshit. The value of entertainment is still in the eyes of the beholder/writer and consumer. The material they produce is good, but is it worth money? not really... C-7 is a Canadian that enjoys their satire.

 

[LD_Tickler]

Way to clench dat ass, C7. Now how exactly are tongues supposed to get in there?

 

[c7_assassin]

Given their massive traffic (which = bandwidth), streaming costs, and staff that keeps the volume of material going, I wager that they have been surviving on the ad model up until now, but the balance is starting to tip, and they need to gain extra revenue to keep things going at the level they are. It's not inexpensive to do what they are doing, and the perverse math of the web is that the more successful you are the more it costs to stay up and running.

You pay a cover to see a good comedian at a club. Or for HBO for humor specials, or for the Onions books or real paper newspaper, if $2.95 a month (less then one gallon of gas) is too much for the enjoyment you feel you are getting from the material, then it seems the material wasn't really worth too much to you to start with, and it's loss should have little impact upon you.

Myriads

This is a good point, but I can't believe that Facebook and Youtube can somehow keep things going without charging for subscriptions and The Onion can't. Then again, this might be a harbinger of things to come...in which case I'll be inviting a lot more people to help The Onion eat my asshole.

If people actually get as pissed off as you over free entertainment becoming a commercial product at 1952 prices, then whatever valid opinion you might have about the effects of encroaching commercialization are offset by your psychotically juvenile and pathologically selfish petulance.

These people are satirists/entertainers...not freedom fighters.

Also a good point. Then again, I'm confining my dissent to boycotting their product and demanding they eat my asshole on an internet forum. I'm not posing as a too-cool-for-school cultural critic and then charging them money to read what I think about politics and religion. That would be robbery. 😀

 

[Snail Shell]

Do you feel better now that you found a reason to post that picture on the internet? Has that weight been lifted off your chest now?

SS

 

[c7_assassin]

Do you feel better now that you found a reason to post that picture on the internet? Has that weight been lifted off your chest now?

SS

When you're given a gift, it's only natural to want to share it with others. 😀

 

[goddess_nemesis]

This is a good point, but I can't believe that Facebook and Youtube can somehow keep things going without charging for subscriptions and The Onion can't. Then again, this might be a harbinger of things to come...in which case I'll be inviting a lot more people to help The Onion eat my asshole.

Youtube has ads out the wazoo. A lot of videos have ads that play before the actual video plays.

Facebook also has ads, but it also makes money off of its games. Yeah, many of them you can play for free, but extras like for Bejeweled Blitz if you want extra spins you have to have FB credits to spend. If you don't have credits, then you have to buy them.

 

[Myriads]

Youtube and Facebook are both monsters in terms of web size, and eyeballs that pass over them every day. They have made their platforms profitable via advertising (which is targeted on specific viewers, the ads I see are different then the ones you do on FB and YT) and partner deal with parasite businesses on them (for example, all the games that live on facebook provide a % of revenue back to FB)

They are able to do this out of sheer mass.

The Onion while popular is only a blip to them size wise.

Myriads

 

[Jagermeistered]

When you're given a gift, it's only natural to want to share it with others. 😀

Is this a thread about asses, now... 😛

 

[Bugman]

I don't see The Onion demanding your money, or anyone elses. Seems to me they are saying if you wish to continue enjoying our content we need some help footing the bill, and $2.95 per month seems little enough if you enjoy it so much. I don't see anything wrong with that myself.

 

[General Zod]

How do we know that is your ass?

 

[socktickler86]

In related news, I want the publishers and staffers of The Onion to line up and eat my asshole.

Now, it's not that I don't understand the concept of paying for something I like. And I like you, The Onion. I like you so much, in fact, that I own several of the books that you've released over the years, plus the satirical history textbook you put out. Those are things that anyone would pay money for. But at the end of the day, your website is just a website, The Onion, and there is no respectable way to claim that your jokes are so awesome that only people who purchase a subscription should be able to read them in the first place. If you take yourself that seriously, you are no longer funny. You are *****s. And as *****s, you shouldn't mind eating my asshole like I told you to just now. I also know that you are trying a lot of new things that probably cost money, like that new web series. But I'm not responsible for your business model, The Onion. I'm responsible for my asshole, and specifically how much of it you are going to eat.

Translation

$30 a year for probably one of the best sites on the internet for humor; well done humor as well. This site doesn't just grab video off youtube or put up all reader submitted content like most other sites do; they actually produce stuff. You probably lose $30 a year worth of loose change falling down under your couch cushions. And let's not say "it's the principle of the thing" because "the thing" is you feeling entitled to free stuff.

 

[TropicThunder]

How do we know that is your ass?

Unfortunately, some of us can vouch for dat ass.

 

[3xPIN]

What a thread title!

 

[Cosmo_ac]

I'm inclined to agree with Myriads here. Yes, it always does suck when something that was once free is now going to cost people, just as it sucks when something has the price jacked up on it, as all things eventually do (save penny candy, but they just get smaller so your still spending your penny, but the thing is now the size of a pin-head). If the onion can't cover it's expenditures with advertisements, then they need to figure out a way to create revinue to cover expenses. Frankly, i'm a little surprised this hadn't happened sooner.

 

[GEORGIATKLER]

Their latest headline: "Man causes Onion to cry"!!! 😉 Sounds like another "asstronomical" end of time on such and such date sagas. If their lookers don't wanna become subscribers, well maybe they can tax the rich.

 

[sasaxrah]

Area Man's Asshole Demands to be Eaten

 

[Ishaanshah]

Seems heavy.