The shortest jokes...

[Haltickling]

“Doctor, there’s something wrong with my gall-bladder!”
“Ugh, that’s bitter!”

“Doctor, I’ve got a sty!”
“You should keep an eye on that!”

“Waiter, there’s a needle in my soup!”
“Sorry Sir, that’s just a typo. It’s supposed to be a noodle.”

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!”
“Did you expect real meat for that price?”

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!”
“Sorry Sir. Just a minute, I’m going to fetch our kitchen-spider to catch it!”

“Waiter, the soup is too cold!”
“How can you tell? I haven’t even put it down on your table!”
“You’ve got your thumb in it.”

“Waiter, what can you recommend to me today?”
“A different restaurant, Sir.”

“Waiter, have you got pig’s feet today?”
“Yes Sir.”
“Ah, so that’s the reason for your funny walk!”

The shortest Scots joke:
A taxi falls into the river. Twenty-five dead.

Have you heard any good, short jokes lately? Share them with us! 😀

 

[Alex Warfield]

That restaurant sucks. They should just put a sign in their window that says: "Sorry, we're open."

 

[amk714]

I made this one up!

"Waiter, why do you always screw up my order?"
"Because you always screw me on tips!"

 

[milagros317]

The shortest Scots joke:
A taxi falls into the river. Twenty-five dead.

Have you heard any good, short jokes lately? Share them with us! 😀

As long as jokes about the residents of Scotland being frugal are acceptable here, you can have two more:

How was copper wire invented?
Two Scotsmen got hold of a penny at the same time.

How do they take the census in Edinburgh?
They roll a gold sovereign down the middle of the street, and count the heads looking out of the windows.

 

[Biggles of 266]

shall we take bets on how long until Dave2112 posts an amused but indignant reply? 😀 I love that sovereign joke!

 

[Flatfoot]

My lame attempt...

A guy walks into a bar.

Ow, that musta hurt.

 

[amk714]

One lame attempt deserves another...

A guy walks into a vacuum.

Slurp, that must have sucked.

 

[Admiral Trouser]

Irishman killed whilst raking leaves from a tree.

He fell out.

 

[giggleygirl25]

variation on a theme

a man walked into a bar...the other one ducked

 

[amk714]

I made this up 2!

"Doctor, it hurts when I do this!"
"Put your wallet back!"

 

[Dave2112]

Well, he's shown up! 😀 Not at all indignant, by the way. We all have our little ways about us, and I'm proud to be a Scot, even though we do have our little...ummm...quirks.

As for short jokes, here's something I actually said upon entering a fancy restaurant with my last G/F and our party...much to her dismay.

Maitre'd: "Do you have reservations?"

Moi: "Yeah, but I guess we'll eat here anyway."

😀

 

[BigJim]

Oh yeah? Try and beat this lot for pure english sickness!

Why do Italians grow moustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.


If Saddam Hussein had married Little Miss Muffet, would the Kurds have had their way?

How d'you make a hormone?
Wipe your dick on her curtains.

A little boy who slept in the same bed as his four sweaty, incontinent sisters, was asked which end he wanted to sleep at.
"The shallow end please mummy!"

:NEWSFLASH: Saddam Hussein has just been taken in to hospital for a circumcission operation. The surgeon refused to operate because......."I can't operate on this man, there's no end to this prick!"

:ANOTHER NEWSFLASH: The air force has just bombed Saddam Hussein's personal library and burned both his books.

Sick as a parrot he was, because he'd only just finished colouring one of them too.

What do you call an arab with two black eyes?
Bin-Twatted.

I was once approached by a 90 year old woman in a nightclub. She staggered up to me and said.....
"Helllllllllllloooooooo yoooooouuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg maaannnnnnnnnnnn.........ddddddddoooooooo kkkknnnnnoooowwwwwww aaannnnyyyytttthhhininnggggg aaabbbnooouuuttt vvviiibbbrrraaatttooorrrsss????????
"Yes, I know a little bit."
"Hhhooowww dddooo yyyooouuu ssswwwiiitttccchhh ooonnneee oooffffff ttthhheeennn?

Okay, that's enough for now. There's only so many bricks being thrown at my head I can stand.
😛 😉 🙂 😀

 

[BigJim]

The same 90 year old woman came up to me half an hour later and asked if I wanted a drink. I told her to act her age, so she fucking dropped dead!😱


I've got millions of these puppies! Surrender to me, or I'll keep this up for days!🙂

 

[topless_ticklee]

I've got millions of these puppies! Surrender to me, or I'll keep this up for days!🙂

I surrender BigJim!! I SURRENDER! Please no more LOL!!


Topless

 

[SmileyTkls]

In homage to Groucho Marx:

One night in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.

Man to woman: Darling, can't you see that I love you? I'm at your feet.
Groucho: When you're done with her feet, you can start on mine.

Smiley

 

[BigJim]

I surrender BigJim!! I SURRENDER! Please no more LOL!!


Topless

And the winner by knockout is...........

If ya SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..................WHAT THE LIMEY.................IS TICKLIN'......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!