What effect does attending "gatherings" have on..

[Thelma Lou]

your real life relationships?


I've been reading the many NEST posts this week and this sort of popped into my mind.

A.) If you are in a serious relationship (be it married, engaged, long-term etc.) and went to NEST alone, how does your sig. other view this. Did you tell them you were going? I'm assuming (maybe wrongly) that tickling is sexual for those that went-- how does your sig other handle it when you tickle/are getting tickled by other people? Do they mind?

B.) I noticed that there seemed to be a significant number of couples at the NEST gathering. How do you, as couples, handle gatherings? Are there ground rules? Do you, as half of a couple, have to reign in any feelings of "hands off that's MY partner" Do you have an open relationship?

I mean no offense by these questions. I'm truly curious. Also, I realize that the "tickling is sexual" comment may get a lot of "tickling is strictly fun for me not sexual at all" comments--If we could, I'd like to save that for another thread 🙂

~Thelma Lou
::just trying to wrap my mind around this fetish and all its facets::

 

[venray]

Tracy and I attended our first gathering in Albany (SBG) and didnt know what to expect. The only rule was to " do whatever you are comfortable with and have fun" If anything our relationship is stronger than before because we realized just how much we trust in
each other. The people we met were awesome and we have had our own fun sessions alone and with others since the first gathering. We were both bummed that we had to cancel our plans to attend the NEST this year.

As far as "hands off thats my partner" I can only say that when I saw how much fun she had and experienced the "after effects" of some of the things she learned, those feelings didnt come into play at all for me. If anything, I was rooting for her to be broken and really enjoyed hearing her laughter at the hands of others.


As Dave put it at the sbg "where else can you meet someone for the first time and ask him if it's ok to have a private session with his wife, and its ok" (paraphrasing)

We now both look forward to the next time we can attend and to our next play session.....😀

LOL


Ray

 

[Dave2112]

I'm with Ven on this one. I think that people who would even go to a gathering tend to be pretty open to begin with. Tickling can be sexual, but only if you want it to be. Ray, Tracy and I became very close friends after that gathering, mostly because of the kind of people we are, rather than what we did. Gatherings don't turn into mass-orgies, if that's what you're asking.

My suggestion would be to attend one to get a better perspective on them. The gatherings put together by the respected people of this Forum are safe places to meet others, so you don't even have to play if you don't want to...it's all up to you.

Just my 2 credits. 😎

 

[Thelma Lou]

Gatherings don't turn into mass-orgies, if that's what you're asking.

No, that wasn't what I was asking at all. I think I have a pretty good understanding of the gathering itself. I'm more interested in how attending effects a person's relationships For instance, what if the sig other is left at home? Are they understanding? Do they handle it well? Are there hurt feelings?...jealousy?...disgust?...or is everything hunky-dory before and after?

As for couples, I was curious about how they go into it as a couple...and by "open" relationship...I'd didn't mean like open about their fetish/sexuality etc. Being at a gathering together I would assume that they were fairly straight forward about it. I meant open as in switching partners (for lack of better phrasing). I guess the point I'm trying to get across is this--I know Gil has a powerful foot/tickling fetish. It's a major turn-on for him. I would not be to thrilled if I saw him tickling some other woman's feet--because I know how intense his fetish is, and what it does to him. That's just me. I'd like to know how the couples handle this or if it is even an issue at all.
I'm not implying in the least that the intense feelings caused by the tickling (arrousal) is acted upon at gatherings. Reading the posts about the different gatherings that is certainly obvious.
Also, like I said in my earler post, I don't even want to get into a tickling fetish is sexual versus tickling fetish is just fun play debate. That in itself would make a great thread.

~Thelma Lou

 

[Thelma Lou]

Tracy and I attended our first gathering in Albany (SBG) and didnt know what to expect. The only rule was to " do whatever you are comfortable with and have fun" If anything our relationship is stronger than before because we realized just how much we trust in
each other. The people we met were awesome and we have had our own fun sessions alone and with others since the first gathering. We were both bummed that we had to cancel our plans to attend the NEST this year.

As far as "hands off thats my partner" I can only say that when I saw how much fun she had and experienced the "after effects" of some of the things she learned, those feelings didnt come into play at all for me. If anything, I was rooting for her to be broken and really enjoyed hearing her laughter at the hands of others.


As Dave put it at the sbg "where else can you meet someone for the first time and ask him if it's ok to have a private session with his wife, and its ok" (paraphrasing)

We now both look forward to the next time we can attend and to our next play session.....😀

LOL


Ray

Thanks for the reply Ray. The trust and confidence in your relationship certainly comes across in your posts. 🙂
~Thelma Lou

 

[BellaRisa]

A poly POV

Hi Thelma, excellent questions!

"I guess the point I'm trying to get across is this--I know Gil has a powerful foot/tickling fetish. It's a major turn-on for him. I would not be to thrilled if I saw him tickling some other woman's feet--because I know how intense his fetish is, and what it does to him. "

May I ask why this would bother you? I'd really like to hear your take on this, my partner being aroused by someone or something other than myself has never bothered me but I know it's an issue for other folks out there.

Let me say up front that my marriage of nearly nine years (10 years of Bill and Bella as of this month, woo-hoo!) is not monagamous. We just never really thought about exclusivity, though we didn't put that notion into play <excuse the pun> 'til we moved to a bigger city in '98. When we got here, we discovered that there were all kinds of fetish and special interest groups, and that Bill didn't want to socialize with them anymore than he wanted to hang out with vanilla people (He's kinda anti-social since we left college). He's *far* from vanilla, but has an allergic reaction to other humans. So, he stays home and I go party. I asked him if it bothered him, and here's his response:

"You mean, you can go do all that stuff I don't feel like doing, and I can sit here in my underwear and do whatever I want, and you'll come home all grateful and ready for me-and all I have to do is not be jealous? Um, is this a trick question??"

For us, once you've been through parents dying, babies being born, moving across country...You're just too devoted to that other person to fret over sexual feelings. Your soulmate's your soulmate no matter who else may briefly turn you on. Plus, we realized a long time ago that a wedding ring doesn't create instant nerve block to the hormones, we chose to make reality work for us 'stead of fighting it. I dunno, the guy took care of me through 20 hrs of hard labor, he knows nothing can change my love and dedication to him 🙂.

Besides, to truly be the only thing that turned him on, I'd have to make every chick out there with a baby face and a nice rack/fanny combo wear a mu-mu and a mask. Too much work <g>.

Now on the other hand, I have a secondary significant other to whom I'm collared and who I love very much, we are considered a couple in the Scene here. When we go to parties, there aren't really any rules, accept don't disappear without telling the other where you're gonna be. When we first became 'us', I actually was a little worried that I would suddenly develop jealous feelings, that I wouldn't like him playing with any girl but me. But then I watched him, and it was AWESOME. To see him in action while I was across the room, and know what our sessions must look like from a very different perspective, is always amazing for me. He says the same thing regarding me playing with other Tops. Here again, we're just too into each other to get weird about having fun with other people.

I know my take on relationships is unusual, it's just that if my cup runneth over, I never mind about other people's cups 🙂.

Comments, thoughts?

Bella

 

[Rich P]

Bella!!

Long time, no type....

Drop me a line hon : )

-Rich

 

[MistressMia]

Thelma,
Very interesting question, however, I believe the answer to be too involved to generalize it.

I think these feelings stem from how we're raise and what we believe as adults. I also think beliefs can grow and sometimes even change paths.

I fall into the "couple at the gathering" category. My husband and I like to observe and participate on our own terms. We only attend events where we don't have to feel obliged to play. Tickling is predminantly fun for us not sexual although it can lead to that depending on the mood. I don't see how people can honestly answer this question without making that (sexual or nonsexual) aspect clear.

I guess you can say we have certain ground rules and that is that if at any point one of us is not comfortable, having a good time or wants to leave, then we stop and change direction as soon as possible. No point in having two miserable people. Also, we expect to be a part of eachothers experience so having a private session with others is an option we will have to work on (or not).

Another point is that jealousy and trust are often used interchangeably and this leads to a big misconception. Jealousy and trust can go hand in hand, but can also exist independently. Ex. I trust my husband and he trusts me, but he does not like the idea of someone else's hands on me because he would like it to be his own hands on me. To compromise, if there is to be tickling involving others, we become active participants in eachothers tickle torture. To me, this is a gradual step in the "sharing" direction. My goal is to ease my husband's apprehensions regarding any "scene" whether it's S&M B&D or Tickling. As a result, we try to do all of these adult activities together.

So to summarize my answer, yes gatherings affect our relationship and thus far the effect has been positive. We go in with general understood ground rules, however, we treat each situation on a case by case basis. In other words, we don't prematurely decide if we're going to either active participants or passive observers. We do whatever mood grabs us at the time. So far our experiences have made us grow stronger as a couple.

I've tried to provide the most insightful and candid answer I can muster. Happy Tickling. 😀

 

[Mimi]

I am gonna echo Venray on this one.

My husband and I also attended our very first gathering in Albany, NY (the Superbowl Gathering Venray spoke of above). I was very curious as to how it would all play out, since tickling is indeed sexual in our relationship, and also because my husband is NOT a 'born ticklephile'. He got into tickling, originally, just to please me.

It turned out to be a wonderful experience for both of us. I was afraid that since my husband was NOT really a ticklephile, that he would be sitting on the sidelines, getting jealous over my play, all the while refusing to be involved himself. That proved utterly false the very first night, at the pre-gathering. He was in the action before I even was, and he had a ball. I had no feelings of jealousy what-so-ever. I merely enjoyed watching the glee in his eyes as Lite squealed out threat after vulgar threat...lol. Once it was my turn to lee, he joined at first to get the guys started, then went off to have his own fun once again. While I can not deny experiencing feelings of arousal during my platonic tickling sessions, I also knew not to act on them. All of my arousal was saved for private "after-play" with my husband, in the privacy of our bedroom.

The entire experience drew us closer together. We found we could share this once intimate activity with multiple like minded people, and experience no feelings of jealousy or animosity towards each other or others involved. We walked away from the festivities with several true, good, real-life friends, and many, MANY plans for playing with them again in the future.

Mimi 🙂

 

[BellaRisa]

Good for you, Scot!

Thank you Scot, for sharing what I know a LOT of people feel.

Tolerance for different lifestyles is pitifully difficult to come by, in this country that prides itself on freedom, along with understanding-and the desire to really understand other points of view. Example-the minute some folks know that you aren't monagamous, they immediately think you've done the free world and you must be a disease-ridden ho, OR that you'll sleep with them. Right there and then. If you'd, uh, rather not, either you're lying about your lifestyle or you're rejecting them just to be mean, and they become deeply offended. God forbid they find out that you a ticklephile, if they see you tickling your child they seriously wonder if they should call Social Services. Shame really, we all make choices about our loves and lives and bodies, choices that should be respected-poly, mono, BDSM, Moonie...it's all about being comfortable in your own skin.

I 'would' like to mention that one can attend a NEST type gathering and not play, there are those who find pleasure in just being around and conversing with like minded folks. For me, half the fun of NEST and my own events is hanging out and relaxing with so many who think the way I do. There are those who just meet for dinner or lunch for that purpose. But having said that, I can fully see why one would choose not to attend, and that's just fine-to each hir own 🙂.

Bella

 

[Shem the Penman]

For Nightfall and myself, being at a gathering has never been a problem.

I love watching Night get tickled at a gathering (as long as she's okay with it, of course) because I love seeing her enjoy herself, no matter what. Plus, of course, it's fun for me to show off "my girl" and see how others appreciate her. And she feels just the same toward me. It's not as if either of us is going to dump the other for a better tickler -- our relationship goes a lot farther and deeper than that.

The only time I'd go into "getcher meathooks off her" mode is if someone touched her in an inappropriate place or got too rough with her, and that's never happened yet -- the people we've played with at gatherings have been very considerate.

On the other hand, I can understand why some people have no desire to share -- and I can't imagine going to a gathering solo and leaving my SO at home, or vice versa. Fortunately, it's not an issue we've had to face yet.

 

[TicklingDuo]

Having just attended our first "gathering" as a couple (we've had private sessions wth others), I found no problems with things. I wasn't sure how I'd be with other unfamiliar guys going at me or Drew going at others....but it was all so relaxed and fun that it didn't even phase me.

I don't think that this kind of play can be put into single category. For us...when playing with others...it's simply for fun and not sexual. So, while some excitement may come out of it, that doesn't mean that we have a desire to respond in a sexual way.

At the same time, we do set limits for those with whom we haven't played before. This is to let them know where we stand and the areas that are off limits. For instance, there was some play that took place that crossed the lines of what we involve ourselves with. Solution...we didn't take part in play at that point.

I suspect that there needs to be a degree of trust in the community at that point. For us, that trust was there...knowng that we could choose to play or not play at any given point/level without having to be concerned about what anyone else would think. We knew we'd be accepted where we were at. And we accepted others where they were at. I guess that's one of the ways in which this community resembels a family. We may see things differently and may even argue at times. But, when it comes right down to it, we accept one another...and in many cases, truly love one another.

Ann

 

[dvnc]

Good questions, and some great responses. In general, it all depends on the couple, though. Bella's got no problem wit' public play (nor does her fine husband), Scot is more intimate wit' his. Many fall in these lines. Some of us fall in between.

It depends on a body's partner. Mine would likely be uncomfortable wit' me playin' a lot at an event. We're too new for such. She don't sweat me bein' on my own at an event, though, 'cause she knows I'll not cross any lines that'd hurt her. Not my way. I prefer her bein' there, though.

In reverse, I don't sweat her playin'. I know she loves me. I've confidence in her. It's just how I am. That she's nervous 'bout me isn't a problem t'me, either. How she feels is how she feels, y'know?

Tickling is sexual for some. Not all. Like kissing, the effect is different now, many years of gatherings later, as kissin' was when I was in college, after all the junior high school and high school sweeties. It evolves, grows, and/or changes. For me, it CAN be sexual, but isn't always. I can tickle my nieces and nephews, my friends' kids, etc., and not feel creepy 'cause it ain't arousin' me. Some can't. Nothin' wrong wit' havin' a constant sexual response, either. That's how some are wired.

I was part of one of the couples at NEST this year. I had a previous lover that used to be present for all the gatherings I hosted. She never had issues with 'em. My current bliss of a lover doesn't sweat such, either. If she had ground rules, I'd just follow 'em, 'cause I love her. We don't have what's called an "open relationship" as she don't seem to wanna share me or herself, and I'm just easy about such.

For me, it's all about her. Makes it good that for her, it's all about me. Reciprocation keeps us from sweatin' things, from my perspective. Kraftie can give her own perspective, natch, and perhaps she will. If not, this is my perspective on it.

It's all about the love. Do right by who you love. Simple, really.

dvnc

 

[Phineas]

Funny this should come up now, as I have similar discussions with my wife once in a while, and we had one just a few days ago.

First off, I'm the only one who has an interest in tickling in our marriage. She doesn't like it in any way, shape, or form, giving or receiving, and doesn't understand why I do. She also doesn't like feet, nor does she like me doing anything at all to her feet, even though she is aware of my foot fetish.

(I can already hear you all going "WTF did you MARRY her for, then?!" - shaddap. Nobody's perfect - this is her only "flaw".)

Anyway. I have thought about it in great detail recently; I initially thought I could "ignore" the whole thing, and that the Internet would suffice for a "fix" every once in a while. But since I'm on the east coast, and there appear to be gatherings galore (I was invited to one or two), plus those parties that run monthly in NYC, I'm beginning to wonder. Is tickling sexual for me? Could be. Could also just be innocent fun, too. But it doesn't matter how I perceive it, it's how my SO perceives it, which I suppose is the crux of this discussion. Thing is, I wish I knew.

First, a little background.

My wife is Chinese. I am American. Last year, I went to China to visit my new family, and was amused to have been somehow "targeted" by the every prostitute in a five mile radius. They call your hotel room directly in China, offering their "services".

As amusing as our whole prostitute-baiting adventure was, I'll skip the details. Anyone who wants to hear the whole anecdote can E-mail me about it. But one thing my wife kept on saying, was that she wouldn't mind if I "hired" one of these gals for an evening, as long as she got to watch.

This confuses me. She still adamantly maintains this position, and yet I know my wife; if I got within five feet of a hooker, Chinese or otherwise, she'd have my head. Which head, I don't know, but she'd pick one.

(Okay Phineas, you're rambling. Cut to the point, you moron.)

Oh, okay. Bottom line is, it's the same with tickling. If my wife knew I wanted to go out and "do my thing" at a gathering, she'd let me go, or might even go with me, but even if she said it was okay, it really wouldn't be - regardless of who felt like rationalizing whether the tickling was sexual or not.

(What's funny is, I obviously consider it acceptable; I'd tickle another woman's feet, even though I'm married, but I would not sleep with anyone else. That's beyond acceptable, and I couldn't rationalize that.)

Conversely, as much as I'd like to "stray", so to speak, on the off-chance my wife was into this sort of thing, I would not be happy with others touching her. I get jealous when she hugs my friends goodbye. But hey, that's my hangup, I s'pose.

Did that make any sense?

 

[HeBeGeeBee]

It's funny (well, maybe not funny as in hilarious, but maybe funny, as in ironic) that this response would be my FIRST posting on TMF. (Those of you who are observant will notice the number 1 under my name in the left hand column...you should feel honored that you are a part of this history-making event). Actually, I am a LONG time lurker. (I have a sudden urge to call a radio talk show and say, "First time poster, long time lurker). But I digress...
I have been kicking around the idea of attending Mimi's September gathering in Wisconsin, but two things have held me back. First, the fear that my wife would somehow probe the depths of our hard drive and find my message to Mimi. Imagine trying to explain that one over dinner one evening. The other is, even if I would manage to send Mimi the message that I'm interested in attending, how would I actually pull it off? Do I tell my wife I'm attending my high school reunion? That one probably won't work, since I didn't go to high school in Wisconsin Dells, which is where the event is taking place. Do I say I have a sudden urge to ride down the "Point of No Return (a HUGE waterslide at Noah's Ark...a HUGE waterpark in the Dells...where you get a HUGE wedgie at the end of the ride). On second thought, that would probably be a HUGE mistake because she knows I'm not fond of heights and even less fond of wedgies. Bottom line is, I would love to attend Mimi's gathering...or any gathering, for that matter...but while my wife indulges me in MY love of the favorite activity of everyone on this board, she's nowhere as into it as I am. Hence my dilemma. So, to make a long story short (I know, too late for that)...I don't think I could divulge to her my desire to attend a gathering (since there's NO way she would attend with me)...but at the same time, I don't make a habit of lying to my lovely wife. If anyone else is in the same boat, I'd love to hear how you work through this issue. Okay, that's it. I promise to not be as long-winded in my second post. (Of course, I have my fingers crossed, which by the way, makes typing very difficult)...

 

[njjen3953]

My Turn

Pete and I have attended several gatherings together and for the most part they have been successful. The only problems were that he, at a few gatherings, was so in demand as a ler that we didn't have a chance to play together.


We really have no problems with eachother playing with others. We even get together with female lees and couples outside the gathering environment. We play as a couple and I will switch for the right lee.

The benefit of him playing with other females, and he too is a big time foot fetishest, is that although it is extremely arousing for him, it stays totally platonic unless we ALL agree otherwise. Most of the 3 way sessions are with bi or bi-curious females and then if the sexual chemistry is right, well....😉

When it is totally platonic, he brings that arousal to me privately. You cannot imagine the intensity of intimacy after your partner has had a buffet of ticklish feet at his disposal. 😀

I hope this is helpful,
Jen

 

[Thelma Lou]

WOW!

Such great responses!

Thanks 🙂 Thanks 🙂 THANKS! 🙂

~Thelma Lou

 

[Deleted member 2452]

post gathering reactions

my wife doesn't go to gatherings. i have been to all the local chicago gatherings (hi andy). she (my wife)is too scarred, she thinks she'll be tickle/raped. from what other married guys have said at our gatherings, thats a pretty common fear/feeling.
i on the other hand enjoy the gatherings. and when i go home i bring all my passion, and need for tickling with me. then my wife and i enjoy the post gathering glow together.
i have never cheated on my wife, and have earned her faith/trust.
i have no gilt, and would not feel guilty about partisipating in tickling at gatherings.
i wish i could have my wife talk with several of the women of tmf that do go to gatherings, to earn how safe, and fun it is.
steve

 

[BigJim]

I don't know about attending gatherings, but reading about others attending them is getting me seriously worried.😉 Venray has told me he's going to have a priest nearby, should I feel the need to confess my sins!

 

[Mr. Hyde]

Hi Thelma Lou:
The answer to your first question about your s.o.'s reaction, in my opinion, is that it is strictly up to your s.o.'s point of view and interpretation of the relationship that you two share. As you've read from the other posts, it basically comes down to different strokes for different folks (pardon the pun). Another factor is some individuals who attend without their mate choose not to tell their mate. The answer to the last part of question A. is, for me, tickling is very sexual and I am particular with my tickle partners. I can get involved in a group tickle, as defined as a group of people tickling one person, but I don't enjoy it nearly as much. I prefer a more intimate setting. I would love to bring along a significant other, but she would have to be into it or at least willing to try. If not, I would not tell her where I am going.

Although Part B. was addressed to the couples who participated, I'll throw in my two cents worth. I have had a few experiences where I participated in tickling the wife/girlfriend of a couple b/c for them it was a turn-on. Others have a hands off policy, which I can understand and respect.

Thanks for your inquiry and why not join us at our next NEST? To experience it, even as an observer, is the most enlightening way to clarify your feelings about it.

Pete