What would you do?

[desdemona]

Well... like I tried to suggest, this could come back and bite you just as much. Actively engaging with them but not telling them who you are is essentially pretending to be someone else, and I think, especially if they then go on to figure out who you are on their own, that they would have a big problem with that. Try to imagine it from their perspective; they have been at a disadvantage to you without knowing what you know, they have potentially felt as if they've opened up when they've talked to you (even if it's been in public), so what are they supposed to think about the fact that you haven't revealed yourself? A paranoid person might think you're playing some kind of game, hell, even a sane person might question your motives and feel as if they have been lied to, and I know I would be seriously pissed off if someone did something like that to me.

I think Generic brings up a very interesting point. There will also be some cultural differences that will affect how this kind of situation is handled. Europeans in general I find are much more open and forthcoming about sexual subjects. And the American youth of today also seem to be rather blaze about it. So there may be both generational and cultural differences in how people react. Interesting question.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Say hi to them. I've never understood the weird idea that a tickle fetish is a secret society and it's not like I'm going to try and blackmail them into weird fetish hook-ups "or I'll totally show everyone what you're doing!", so I don't see a problem. I initiate contact with strangers on here every day.

 

[Redmage]

Well... like I tried to suggest, this could come back and bite you just as much. Actively engaging with them but not telling them who you are is essentially pretending to be someone else, and I think, especially if they then go on to figure out who you are on their own, that they would have a big problem with that. Try to imagine it from their perspective; they have been at a disadvantage to you without knowing what you know, they have potentially felt as if they've opened up when they've talked to you (even if it's been in public), so what are they supposed to think about the fact that you haven't revealed yourself? A paranoid person might think you're playing some kind of game, hell, even a sane person might question your motives and feel as if they have been lied to, and I know I would be seriously pissed off if someone did something like that to me.

I think this is less likely though. Unless you tell them that you've seen whatever photos they posted here, they have no obvious reason to suppose that you know who they are. There are thousands of users on this forum, and I certainly don't check the profiles of everyone who posts here - I haven't checked yours, for example.

People usually tell themselves the most comforting tale they can. If you come right out an say that you know who they are then there's no question about it. If you let it lie then if they once figure out who you are they don't have to assume that you know in return.

 

[GenericUsername]

I think this is less likely though. Unless you tell them that you've seen whatever photos they posted here, they have no obvious reason to suppose that you know who they are. There are thousands of users on this forum, and I certainly don't check the profiles of everyone who posts here - I haven't checked yours, for example.

People usually tell themselves the most comforting tale they can. If you come right out an say that you know who they are then there's no question about it. If you let it lie then if they once figure out who you are they don't have to assume that you know in return.

I would say we are talking about an inherently unlikely scenario, but on the subject of wether the situation I suggested is "less likely" or not I think we'll have to just agree to disagree.

There are people on this forum, indeed in this very thread, posting with a picture of themselves in their signature, which makes it hard to miss. Likewise, we may not check the profile of everyone who posts here, but like I suggested, if I spotted an active poster who was geographically near me, then curiosity would make me click on their profile, just as I'll guarantee you that they would be likely to give me a second glance as well. Hell, I've already had a couple of people PM me purely because of where I'm located, so I don't think the "I never bothered to look you up" excuse would fly, unless you're fine with implying to the other person that they were never interesting enough to warrant a single mouse click to learn more about them.

It may be true that people look for and tell themselves comforting tales, but believe me when I say that they will try to equally spin anything against you if they feel deceived. So no, I'd rather be upfront and honest to them, and if that makes them freak out then it would admittedly have been a gross miscalculation on my part, but at least then I tried to deal with an uncomfortable situation in what I thought was the best way at the time, and hopefully this other person has learned something about internet anonymity and its applications.

I think Generic brings up a very interesting point. There will also be some cultural differences that will affect how this kind of situation is handled. Europeans in general I find are much more open and forthcoming about sexual subjects. And the American youth of today also seem to be rather blaze about it. So there may be both generational and cultural differences in how people react. Interesting question.

Well, I won't pretend to be an authority on sexual subjects in America, but you may well be on to something about cultural factors. Now that you mention it, I tend to have a constant awareness of differing social norms when I talk to Americans online, but with that said, we are also all individuals, and I'm sure a tickling fetish is generally a highly private thing regardless of where you're from!

 

[Redmage]

Heh. Actually I didn't even notice that you were from Sweden until the second time that "cultural factors" came up. I just don't pay much attention to that sort of thing.

 

[deadlywiffeathr]

I've already posted my two cents worth but coming from a poster who has pictures on here, no matter what you upload you never expect someone you know personally to see it. I avoided posting pictures of myself here for years in fear that someone from my real life would see them and out me. But finally I just grew a pair and realised that I couldnt let the threat of something so unlikely to happen ruin my interactions here. I know I've essentially "put myself out there" by having pics up, but if my boss, or a friend, or someone I interact with on a day to day basis saw them and then contacted me about it I'd feel embarrassed and caught out no matter what they said in their PM.

If I wanted people from my real life to know about my fetish I'd post it all over FB or talk to them about it openly. I don't want them to know, thats the point here. Just because I post photos to show a little bit more of myself doesn't mean I'm inviting people who recognise me to send messages or approach me about it because it makes them feel better. Its a very fine line we walk when we entertain scenarios such as this one. In a fantasy world it'd be amazing to find out someone you know shares the same interests, but in reality, its a much more complicated issue and everybody will react differently.

 

[Candygirl]

I'd like to think that all of my friends are as open as I am, and would be comfortable talking about it. That being said, if I knew them really well, I'd definitely fuck with them a bit. Send them a weird PM or something and after a few exchanges come clean as to who I am. By now I know my friends well enough to know if they'd appear in a place such as this in the first place.

If it were someone I recognized but didn't know (someone I work with or a client or regular customer) I'd just leave it be and maybe bring it up once in a while and see where things go.

If it were a family member, I'd just try to ignore it and pretend I'd never seen it. I am honest with my family for the most part, but I like to keep my personal life separate as much as possible unless directly asked.

 

[GenericUsername]

I'd like to think that all of my friends are as open as I am, and would be comfortable talking about it. That being said, if I knew them really well, I'd definitely fuck with them a bit. Send them a weird PM or something and after a few exchanges come clean as to who I am. By now I know my friends well enough to know if they'd appear in a place such as this in the first place.

If it were someone I recognized but didn't know (someone I work with or a client or regular customer) I'd just leave it be and maybe bring it up once in a while and see where things go.

If it were a family member, I'd just try to ignore it and pretend I'd never seen it. I am honest with my family for the most part, but I like to keep my personal life separate as much as possible unless directly asked.

Awesome post, and interesting to see several different hypotheticals from the same person. I'm loving the idea to have some fun with it if it's a close friend that you have that sort of dynamic with!

I've already posted my two cents worth but coming from a poster who has pictures on here, no matter what you upload you never expect someone you know personally to see it. I avoided posting pictures of myself here for years in fear that someone from my real life would see them and out me. But finally I just grew a pair and realised that I couldnt let the threat of something so unlikely to happen ruin my interactions here. I know I've essentially "put myself out there" by having pics up, but if my boss, or a friend, or someone I interact with on a day to day basis saw them and then contacted me about it I'd feel embarrassed and caught out no matter what they said in their PM.

If I wanted people from my real life to know about my fetish I'd post it all over FB or talk to them about it openly. I don't want them to know, thats the point here. Just because I post photos to show a little bit more of myself doesn't mean I'm inviting people who recognise me to send messages or approach me about it because it makes them feel better. Its a very fine line we walk when we entertain scenarios such as this one. In a fantasy world it'd be amazing to find out someone you know shares the same interests, but in reality, its a much more complicated issue and everybody will react differently.

First of all I absolutely agree that people will be bound to react differently, which makes the OP's question very difficult to answer unless you narrow it down.

However, I'm curious about a couple of things you said. Fair enough that the scenario we're discussing is so unlikely that I'll simply grant you that you can "put yourself out there" with pictures and still not expect to be recognized, but, without singling you out I feel as if a lot of people here sort of glaze over the fact that you and this other person in this scenario would both have to be active enough on the forum so that one will inevitably notice the other. This means that you will have to share the forum with each other, like it or not, and completely disregarding the option to send a PM for the moment, what if this other person decides that they want to put themselves out there with pictures too? Should they simply avoid that because you were here first, or because since they know about you, they have some sort of responsibility to keep you blissfully ignorant? Like you said yourself, you didn't want anything to "ruin your interaction" here, but surely the same would apply to them? Or am I completely misunderstanding you?

Anyway, I'm curious if you would rather just have a poster you have seen around here suddenly add a picture of themselves, from which you instantly recognize them from real life. They haven't sent you a PM or anything to "make them feel better," but they have completely refrained from letting on to you who they are.

Either you can panic and delete all pictures of yourself and hope that they haven't noticed you, but you will presumably just have to keep wondering about what they might or might not have seen of you. OR it will be so painfully obvious that they have known who you are all along, because they have responded to your posts or vice versa, and then, if you are worried about being outed, wouldn't the fact that they haven't said anything to you be equally unsettling? Again you are just left to guess what's going through their mind, and it may well be YOU who end up having to initiate a talk with them.

I guess I'm becoming a bit longwinded, but basically my question is if you would still prefer either of those predicaments and all the second-guessing they imply, over simply being contacted from the start and come to some agreement about sharing the forum like adults? I understand being embarrassed, but I really fail to grasp the idea of just ignoring the issue, so if you would indulge me I could obviously benefit from some elaboration on why you feel the way you do.

 

[Redmage]

I feel as if a lot of people here sort of glaze over the fact that you and this other person in this scenario would both have to be active enough on the forum so that one will inevitably notice the other. This means that you will have to share the forum with each other, like it or not, and completely disregarding the option to send a PM for the moment, what if this other person decides that they want to put themselves out there with pictures too? Should they simply avoid that because you were here first, or because since they know about you, they have some sort of responsibility to keep you blissfully ignorant? Like you said yourself, you didn't want anything to "ruin your interaction" here, but surely the same would apply to them? Or am I completely misunderstanding you?

I think you're making a false assumption: They do not have to be equally active in order for one to notice the other. One could simply be lurking here, as many do. And even if they are active there's no reason for them to expect anyone in particular to notice them. Many people post only to one or two sections of the forum, for example, and would not expect anyone but others who read those forums to notice them.

If I notice someone and I recognize them then I might very well hesitate to say anything that will allow them to guess who I am - again, depending on who they are. But obviously I could not expect them to be discreet just because I was here first if they don't know I am here.

Even if they do recognize me I don't place any responsibility on them to behave in any particular way. As I said in my first response on this thread, it's usually dangerous to expect someone to react in the same way you would. So if I got a PM out of the blue from someone who knows me in IRL I wouldn't automatically freak out. My response would depend very much on who they are, but in general I'm fairly relaxed about people knowing I'm kinky. I simply don't expect anyone else to do the same. No one is responsible for my reactions, but I try to keep possible problems in mind as I deal with others.

 

[GenericUsername]

But surely it is an equally false assumption to go on and presume and one person will just be a lurker, or it will be okay because the two of them will be posting in different forums and be able to avoid each other? Given who the question was directed at, i.e. those of us who do not just lurk, I find it unlikely that one of us would just happen by the profile of someone we know, but who hasn't also actively posted in the forums we frequent (and presumably post in, ourselves).

I somewhat get your line of thought of wanting to be careful and distance yourself, and that sounds all good and well at first glance, but I guess the scenario I'm imagining is one where maintaining the status quo is simply not a realistic option. What then?

 

[Redmage]

But surely it is an equally false assumption to go on and presume and one person will just be a lurker, or it will be okay because the two of them will be posting in different forums and be able to avoid each other?

That's not an assumption; it's simply one more scenario that shows how unlikely this whole situation is.

I somewhat get your line of thought of wanting to be careful and distance yourself, and that sounds all good and well at first glance, but I guess the scenario I'm imagining is one where maintaining the status quo is simply not a realistic option. What then?

I'm sorry, but I have yet to see any scenario in this discussion in which maintaining the status quo is not a realistic option. You just keep deciding that it won't be. Basically, you keep looking for excuses that will somehow force you to inform this other person that you know who they are. But in fact it just looks as though that's what you really want to do.

 

[GenericUsername]

That's not an assumption; it's simply one more scenario that shows how unlikely this whole situation is.

So one hypothetical scenario is an assumption, but the other one isn't. Now I think we're just being choosy with our semantics, but alright.

I'm sorry, but I have yet to see any scenario in this discussion in which maintaining the status quo is not a realistic option. You just keep deciding that it won't be. Basically, you keep looking for excuses that will somehow force you to inform this other person that you know who they are. But in fact it just looks as though that's what you really want to do.

Okay, I'll break down my most recent example for your convenience:
-Both people are actively posting in the same forums and threads.
-Both people are being openly social with the community and each other.
-Both people want to fully engage the community and put up pictures of themselves publicly.

You think pretending not to notice the other person in that situation would be a realistic option? I can only imagine how weird that might get, especially when you go on to interact with him/her irl. A simple PM like "right, let's not make a big thing of this" would potentially solve ALL your problems, though.

Let's disregard that it's an unlikely scenario, because it is no more unlikely than any of the other hypotheticals we've had so far. I'm not mentioning this to "look for excuses," but simply to point out that your solution, as honorable as it may be, might not always be ideal. It sounds good, and I'm sure it would be applicable to plenty of situations, but there are also situations in which you might want to consider your options one more time. Not because I've "decided" anything, but because I'm trying to make you aware that every option has both pros and cons, and they fluctuate something fierce depending on just who the other person is, and of course who you are.

 

[Franky]

Alright, I'll put it this way and for this scenario I'm going with, having no interest in the other person for hooking up.

If the ball was solely in my court to out myself to the other person then I would not. Even if we were both fairly active on the forums, even if we talked in PM and I would not be weird around them in person. I'm fully capable of knowing sexually explicit things about another person and interact with them "normally" or "professionally."

Now, lets say the other person contacted me to meet up in person. Then I would politely decline to meet with them.

Now, lets say that the other person figured out who I was and confronted me about it. If the person was angry I wouldn't care and I would be brutally fucking honest with them as to why I did not tell them who I was. I like to be discrete and by them posting pictures of themselves on fetish type websites is not being discrete. And frankly what would have changed between us? Is the person not comfortable with me being on the same fetish site as them? Well, to fucking bad if they don't like it they can go. Or would they have wanted to meet up in person so we could have had the PM conversations in person? Again don't care! Unless we are going to be physically active with each other then I don't see the point in seeing each other in person to talk fetish stuff.

And I'll point out that this scenario can very well happen, but I can see it as more likely for someone who posts original artwork. Cause, believe it or not you can recognize a person by their artwork. Or the person could have started posting pics when they had not done so before. Or even, you could have moved to a new geographical location and your new co-worker is someone with whom you've been hanging out with on the forums.

 

[GenericUsername]

^ Very reasonable attitude. Only thing I'd say is that if you talk to them in PM's and they then get mad if they figure you out, they kind of have a right to be upset. Talking to them in private is just where I see this method turning weird, so it might be better to ignore, or discourage that sort of contact.

Other than that, what you posted is basically what I would have done if I chose to keep my distance.

 

[Franky]

Well, ignoring a PM from the person only, because you know who they are I would classify as acting weird around that person. Even more so if you had already talked to them in PM before you knew who they were. Also, its not about whether or not they have the right to be mad. Its fine if they get mad or not and anything in between. Cause, at this point its really about how they handle the situation overall. And how they deal with it will tell you what kind of person they really are. With some people yes you could have prevented them from getting mad, others will get over it and move on, and then there are those who it would not matter when they found out, it would be a shit storm either way. And depending on how well you know that person you really can't accurately predict how they will react.

As for me, my work life and kink life are very separate and I like to keep it that way. So, for me it would (almost) only be a co-worker in this scenario. Due to this I'm most concerned about the ones who would freak out and potentially out me at work. Its not that I'm terrified of this, its just a situation that I don't want to have to deal with if I don't have too.

 

[Redmage]

Okay, I'll break down my most recent example for your convenience:
-Both people are actively posting in the same forums and threads.
-Both people are being openly social with the community and each other.
-Both people want to fully engage the community and put up pictures of themselves publicly.

You think pretending not to notice the other person in that situation would be a realistic option?

Yes I do, for the very simple reason that there's no reason it can't be done. It's no harder to "pretend not to notice each other" here than it is to avoid talking about a fetish forum when we're together in real life - and I've done that.

 

[GenericUsername]

Well, ignoring a PM from the person only, because you know who they are I would classify as acting weird around that person. Even more so if you had already talked to them in PM before you knew who they were. Also, its not about whether or not they have the right to be mad. Its fine if they get mad or not and anything in between. Cause, at this point its really about how they handle the situation overall. And how they deal with it will tell you what kind of person they really are. With some people yes you could have prevented them from getting mad, others will get over it and move on, and then there are those who it would not matter when they found out, it would be a shit storm either way. And depending on how well you know that person you really can't accurately predict how they will react.

As for me, my work life and kink life are very separate and I like to keep it that way. So, for me it would (almost) only be a co-worker in this scenario. Due to this I'm most concerned about the ones who would freak out and potentially out me at work. Its not that I'm terrified of this, its just a situation that I don't want to have to deal with if I don't have too.

You could also make a case that PM'ing with the person and pretending to be someone you're not might be classified as equally weird, but you have a point. My concern though, is that private messages are private for a reason, and the other person might end up telling you things that they wouldn't want you to know if they were aware of your true identity. That's mainly what makes me uneasy with this type of scenario.

Yes I do, for the very simple reason that there's no reason it can't be done.

Well, I fundamentally disagree with you on that one, but perhaps it's best to leave it at that.

 

[Franky]

Not all PM are private in nature its just another way to talk to some one online without involving the entire forum to join in. Also, unless someone did make a profile online that wasn't accurate in some way as to who they are in RL then the person isn't pretending to be someone they are not.

 

[SoleMates]

I met a former coworker at a Gathering once. I had no idea he wasn't vanilla, let alone had a tickling fetish.

The entirety of acknowledging the situation was, "Hey dude, long time no see. How're things at MyFormerEmployer?"

 

[GenericUsername]

Not all PM are private in nature its just another way to talk to some one online without involving the entire forum to join in.

I believe the bolded part is the very definition of the term "private" though. But let's not make a deal of semantics; I get what you're saying, but I would point out that you can't really control what sort of things the other person might choose to bring up when they have the added comfort of knowing that they are talking to YOU and not just the whole forum.

Also, unless someone did make a profile online that wasn't accurate in some way as to who they are in RL then the person isn't pretending to be someone they are not.

Okay, maybe I expressed myself unfairly, but I take it you still see what makes me uncomfortable? Because I take it you would still not let on to them who you are, even though that might impact how they would want to interact with you, if at all. Keeping someone at a disadvantage like that while carrying on a private conversation with them is too much for me personally, because again, I can just see that go so horribly wrong in a number of ways that just outing yourself, or ignoring them, can't.

I met a former coworker at a Gathering once. I had no idea he wasn't vanilla, let alone had a tickling fetish.

The entirety of acknowledging the situation was, "Hey dude, long time no see. How're things at MyFormerEmployer?"

That's actually pretty awesome! And yeah, it goes to show that you can acknowledge it just fine and still not make a big deal of it.

 

[Franky]

I'll clarify about myself that I don't have personal conversations with other people online unless I already know them in RL. Also, online adult role playing is not my thing. And even if I was planning on meeting up with another fetishist in RL from the forum who I had never met before I still would not discuss any details for a play date until after I have met the person. And I think I would be more confused if someone who I've never met before wanted to tell me all sorts of private information about themselves to me. But, then again I'm actually use to the reverse, meeting a person in RL then friending or PM-ing with them on line afterwards. Of course, it worked that way for me because, I went fishing for potential play partners or kinky friends in the local kink community instead of the vanillas.

Yes, I have an idea as to why you would be uncomfortable. And I'll clarify this point which may have been forgotten; I'm not saying regardless of who it was that I would not tell this other person who I am. It is all circumstantial that there are some people who I would tell and there are those who I would not. And the reason that I would not tell the other person basically comes down to this, for whatever reason I have for not telling the other person is because I felt at the time it was the "better" option with the intent that they would not find out who I was.