When the person you love hates being tickled

[YouNeverKnow175]

x y z

 

[ticklehound]

Thanks for posting. I agree with #1 & #2, and I haven't tried #3. It is challenging when the woman I love doesn't like being tickled. I've been cautious, but sometimes I just can't resist tickling her! I would addend #1, and recommend tickling her in a way she will like... My girlfriend likes it when I very lightly tickle her sides, back, legs & feet when we're cuddling. Now, she will say "Stop" BUT I remind her by saying "Oh, you know you like it!" And she will then say "I know."

I definitely agree that you should give her control stop when she says to, even if it's after a few brief seconds. I especially do that during the rare instances when she lets me tie her down in bed. That way, she knows that she is absolutely helpless & cannot stop me if I decide to mercilessly tickle her... But I will stop when she says to, so she can fully trust me.

I also suggest being honest in your intentions. I have asked her "Hey, do you think you are ever gonna let me REALLY tickle you?" She often replies "Maybe," telling me she's really giving it some thought. I have whispered to her in bed my detailed tickle fantasy with her, and how I will meticulously touch her, tease her & tickle her senseless, and I end it by saying "And you will LOVE it, you'll see.

I hope this works...

 

[rdhd]

Hmmm...I've been dealing with that now for... 33 years now. Tried all of the above, even got the tickling magazines back in the day to try to get some interest. Still hoping....

 

[Mane'o]

Tickling comes in an almost infinite variety. There's the hold you down or tie you down and tickle your most ticklish spots until you are thrashing like a fish out of water and howling with laughter and all out of breath. At the other end is the sensual erotic tickle caused by the lightest touch of a finger tip or feather making you break out in goose bumps and raising all those tiny, almost invisible hair follicles and you may squirm ever so slightly while making little soft mmmmm sounds.
And there is every gradation between those two.
Use the ones she may find tolerable, maybe even pleasurable.
Don't tickle for long periods. A few seconds to start.
Don't include tickling on every touch you give her. Massage her without tickles. Hug with no tickle.
Don't recite tickle fantasies every time you are intimate.
Easy does it. Finesse.

 

[TicklingTips]

I'll just throw this out there - it is also worth considering not falling in love with someone who hates being tickled...I'd really advise against it.

 

[PiedPiper]

I think it also bears mentioning that, no matter what gentle entreaties one might employ in this regard, there still remains a certain percentage of ladies (my only test group, thank you) for whom being tickled is an absolute, out-of-the-question, uh-uh, no way.. no how, not gonna happen sort of proposition. Won't even discuss it,.... in fact, just your mentioning it identifies you as a dangerous pervert. It's good when the subject is at least on the table in whatever diluted form,.... but sometimes it is just not possible. (And seldom worth the effort)

 

[Scared]

1. Giving her control when being tickled as a way of trying to help her establish a different relationship with being tickled - Any time I'm tickling her and she says "stop", I do. We're not even at the point of safewords, just her re-learning that if someone is tickling her, they'll stop when she tells them to.

This is vital. The idea that anything else is remotely acceptable, despite being popular here, is part of rape culture.

My girlfriend likes it when I very lightly tickle her sides, back, legs & feet when we're cuddling. Now, she will say "Stop" BUT I remind her by saying "Oh, you know you like it!" And she will then say "I know."

Yes, women contribute by saying stop when they don't mean it. The obvious way to correct this idiocy is to stop when they say to stop. It's called "negative punishment" and, combined with "positive reinforcement" is a powerful conditioning method. (Please note that, in addition to being unethical, positive punishment and negative reinforcement are unnecessary and sometimes counterproductive in changing behaviour.)

Consent matters. Free, ongoing consent matters. Ongoing enthusiastic consent is the gold standard, but at a bare minimum, uncoerced and ongoing consent is vital for sexual behaviour to be non-rapey. As a side note, please be aware that many or most women are subtly trained from childhood to believe that not only is there a point past which saying "no" would be futile, but that it would be actively dangerous to them. It's trained early and reinforced often, so they can be subject to it even when they have been told that it is not true. This may contribute to some women's hesitance to say yes. The more you can convince your partner that ongoing communication is safe, the more she can risk saying yes to something that's a bit scary or uncomfortable, and the more she can actually consider thinking about enjoying or at least experiencing the experience, rather than identifying the last point at which she can say stop without getting hurt.

Recently she came up with a new idea, that perhaps we could talk about people other than her being tickled, which I'd thought about before but wasn't sure if she'd be into. So that's a fascinating new possible twist which I'm looking forward to exploring....

As a suggestion, sift through the stories archives for stories showing good consent. They're rare, but there are some. MasterTank1's First Time Ticklesex is good that way. My own Leah's Limits is very consent-aware, but the 'lee is more outright frightened, rather than disliking tickling.

 

[TicklishBlackGuy]

eh if she don't like being tickled, maybe everything is just not for her? *shrugs* idk if its just me but unless she has the fetish, she maybe just a ler or you just might be out of luck..honestly

 

[ticklehound]

For the record, I always stop when she says "no," but when I ask her If she really wants me to stop, she says no. I know her very well & know where the line is. Now, when she's tickling me, she crosses that line habitually... One behavior I need to curb.

 

[ElFewja]

I'm glad to hear it's working out for you, to some extent anyway, and appreciate that you posted this insightful post. Like others I just don't get too involved with anyone that is SUPER against tickling. While I agree that I think it's a negative association that could be worked away by showing (her) the positive aspects of tickling when applied correctly, it's a lot of commitment for no guaranteed gain.

Regardless, I'm almost positive that with your intervention she will open up to full-blown tied-down tickle sessions at some point. Maybe. Have you considered visiting a psychiatrist or psychologist? I think you have a strong understanding of the issues but they might be able to help you out further.

It's a real shame that tickling has such a negative impact on so many while they're young. Really ruins it for both us and them at times, you know?

 

[YouNeverKnow175]

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. I really appreciate all of your insights.

 

[fecil]

Hey buddy, sorry I've been absent for a while. We've chatted and I understand your frustration. I think the real issue here is trust--not that she doesn't trust you, but that she doesn't trust overall that the tickling will stop when she needs it to. "Hating" tickling means more than one thing. My wife "hates" being tickled, but just on the physical level. She doesn't have any negative emotional baggage adding to her discomfort. In your case you have a bigger mountain to climb, as you've indicated.

No one can guarantee that you will ever get all the way where you want to go. And you REALLY have to avoid ever adopting a mindset or attitude of "if you loved me you'd do it for me." My hope for you is that you can enjoy the journey. If she is willing to openly talk about it, acknowledge that she understands your desires, and to experiment, I'd say you're heading the right way. Just be patient, be cool, and remember that one overstep on your part can undo a lot of progress. Hard as it is, you have to keep your wits about you when you're tickling her.

 

[ElFewja]

I don't think this is a trust issue. From what he has described it sounds much more like an association with traumatic childhood events/an abuse type response. Not that I'm saying she was abused (with tickling) or that the situation was traumatic but that it sounds like she's reacting that way.

 

[HiddenFruit]

Hey guys. Mind getting a little insight from a woman who actually WAS afraid of tickling while growing up?

I know this is going to shock a lot of you guys and gals out there, but yes, there really are people who hate being tickled, and no, it's not always associated with the event of a traumatic childhood. I was certainly never abused, but the thought of actually being tickled always made me cringe. Most people seem to forget that being "tickled" is a physical sensation, and not one that a lot of people actually like. It's not just an issue of "trust" for some reason, it's like being asked to have a prickly spur rolled up your arm, but without the pain. Sure, you can endure it, that doesn't mean you have to like it.

Scared is a person after my own heart. The consensus on this site, whether you like to argue for or against it, is hugely a rape culture. I'm sure most can argue that this is just for fantasy, and of course you would NEVER condone a session without consent in real life, but let my pose a question to all you gentlemen lers out there ('lees are exempt for reasons about to be made clear):

Tell me, if you're SO determined to try to tickle her, if you're SO sure she'll "love it" if she just gives it a chance, if you're SO sure that it'll be a great experience for her and help the both of you, why don't YOU get tied up and tickled? If the experience is so wonderful, why aren't you jumping at the chance to let her tickle you instead?

Ah, I can already see the protests. You're not "lees", it's just "not your thing", etc etc. Yeah, well, in most cases, it's not hers either. Yet you're still working to convince her and coax her to follow your desires. What about hers? What have you done to cater to her to rev up her sex drive? Being tied up and tickled is no big deal, right? So let her do it to you first. ticklehound has the right idea hands down. Although, if she really is crossing that line, then yes, you do need to put a stop to that. A double standard isn't really fair for either party.

I'm sure you already see this coming, but the way I got over my fears was #2. It just started out as me imagining OTHERS being tickled to stave off that fear and turned into a full-blown fetish. It took five years of actively giving into my fetish in fantasy, and two years of tickling others irl for me to finally say "okay I've had my fun, now I need to try it on the other end to see what I'm dishing out." So honestly, I do feel like #2 is the most effective, but the least tried method, because heaven forbid a 'ler even think about trying the receiving end. I find that 'lers, and doms in general tend to feel entitled (women too, not just men, I mean anyone in power). If you really want to help her out, try seeing it from her perspective. And no, not because you want her to cater you. She's a human being with needs and wants, and they're going to conflict with yours.

So you wanna try getting her more interested? Suggest a tie up session with you being the victim. From what I'm reading so far, she just might be willing to come to a compromise for the chance to see you squirming and begging helplessly under her fingers. Trust me, once she gets a taste of it, she'll do almost anything to feed her addiction. 😉

 

[stubbe]

Hi Hiddenfruit!
I'm male, I'm a "ler" and I strongly agree with the things you said. I never ever found a woman who liked being tickled,, who was "turnded on" or would be willing to incorporate it into her sex life.
I cannot understand why so many men can not accept a simple "No". When she saysNo for whatever reason you should accept it. Do not moan, do not insist or try to talk her into it.Then you should ask yourself whether you love her and can imagine a sex life without tickling or you should leave.

 

[ElFewja]

Great post, glad you turned it around in your life.

While I can see your point I think you're making a fair amount of assumptions but I'm not really sure who your post is aimed at. I assume you're talking about the 'everybody' here but I'm not sure. It definitely comes off as acting like everyone is in it for themselves, and that certainly isn't true. I'd put myself up as one of those people that it's not true about.

From my personal point of view, I'm not against letting someone tie me up and tickle me. I'm not good with giving up control over myself to another in any situation (I have a hard time with roller coasters and I don't like being a passenger in a car, for example). That's not to say I'm unwilling, just nervous. But I'm also not ticklish at all.

I also don't think that reciprocation (the actual topic at hand) need be in the form of tickling, although I certainly understand where you're coming from in terms of raising interest and willingness, and in that vein I think your post is incredibly insightful.

As for the rape culture thing, yeah, you're pretty right. I want to say that it's an inherent by product type problem related to any sort of interaction that involves domination but it really isn't, because the problem isn't domination or related to it. Rather, it's the selfish mindset that a lot of people have, taking without giving. Hell, I try my best to be consensual and to not take advantage of others but I'm by no means an exception to this. It's a tough problem and I'd like to work it out of the community/people in general if possible.

You seem pretty intelligent and I think we would have a lot of interesting discussions together. I respect your post a lot and I'm pretty glad you put it up.

 

[Mane'o]

Well said HiddenFruit. I became a far better Ler after I experienced things from the lee side. I never do anything to her that she can't do to me if she wishes.

 

[HiddenFruit]

Great post, glad you turned it around in your life.
While I can see your point I think you're making a fair amount of assumptions but I'm not really sure who your post is aimed at. I assume you're talking about the 'everybody' here but I'm not sure. It definitely comes off as acting like everyone is in it for themselves, and that certainly isn't true. I'd put myself up as one of those people that it's not true about.

A fair question, I wasn't as specific as I should have been. The post was actually more aimed at those other lers that are wondering "how can I get my girl/boyfriend to let me tickle them?" Similar threads have been posted numerous times before. The topic is actually a lot more sensitive then people realize. For example, since I was, like I said, so afraid of being tickled, I think from the perspective of the "lee-to-be" in question. And I've seen some suggestions that have not only made me cringe, but almost offended me.

There was also a time where I just so happened to stumble across this article (one of those advice column things) where the girlfriend was asking the columnist about this boyfriend that kept tickling her, even though she already said she hated it. The girl was saying how he's usually really nice, and considerate, etc, but just had this one bad habit she wanted to curb. (Yeah I'm sure the rest of you suspect the same as me about this guy.)

But the columnist countered back with saying "No, he isn't. This is your body and your boundaries, and if he can't respect that, he's not being considerate to you. Be firm with him and let him know one more time your boundaries. Otherwise you're better off finding someone else."

She's right. People, we're talking about a full grown adult with likes and dislikes about a certain act of intimacy. Male or female. If he had been straightforward with her in the first place, perhaps she would react the same way YouNeverKnow's girlfriend did. In a way to sort of compromise so he could be happy too. But it's still her personal decision, and if she had decided not to, who could possibly be against it?

So I'm really talking to people who don't seem to realize the full implications of what they want. I'm a Ler too, so I'm always conscious of that, lol.

I also don't think that reciprocation (the actual topic at hand) need be in the form of tickling, although I certainly understand where you're coming from in terms of raising interest and willingness, and in that vein I think your post is incredibly insightful.

Oh gosh, thank you, but that wasn't my intention (or at least not all of it, though that was a part of it). See, the topic about this girl letting him tie her up and tickle her. Whether or not she likes it is another story. See, I've actually been in his shoes before, but my solution came by accident. My best friend was horribly ticklish, but she absolutely despised it. Every now and then I'd poke her when I was feeling playful, but I never went past that. One day though, she found out I was ticklish too, and after that I was practically doomed. Every time we got together she would go for me. Hell, even when I DIDN'T have tickling on the brain she'd initiate a fight. I didn't even have to "find ways" to go for her. I'd just wait for her to start, then I'd pounce her.

Granted, I went easy on her for a while to get her comfortable, but after that when I got her down, she didn't complain because she knew she had no right too, and it was her own fault. 😛 That's why I'm a big advocate for number 2's success. Both her, and one of my other friends did the same thing. He'll purposely annoy us, so even though he doesn't necessarily like getting tickled, he's always getting attacked and he knows it's his own fault.
You want more tickles= Let them have their fun first.

Obviously if they don't care for tickling others, then you'll have to find another alternative, but at least cater to them too.

 

[YouNeverKnow175]

I think the point HiddenFruit makes here that tickling for most people simply is not pleasurable on a physical level, regardless of the psychological baggage they may or may not have around it, is important. The topic came up with a friend the other day and she said, "It's painful to be tickled!" I tried to make sure she understood they were two separate sensations, which she did, but nonetheless she found the experience of being to be "painful" or unpleasant. As someone not into having actual pain induced in a sexual way at all, I certainly would have a hard time incorporating that into my sex life if I was with a partner who was into it. So it's a good point: many many people simply do not like to be tickled.

And at the same time, I do believe that many many people can open to the sensitive, playful, erotic element too if properly introduced with care.

So I appreciate everything everyone has shared so far! Thank you.