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Why do men beat their wives/gfs?
- Thread starter isabeau
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Mastertank1
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I have dealt with dozens of men
who violently abused women and/or children.
I worked as an unpaid volunteer door guard for years at a shelter for abused women which I think was the first in NYC, and at a rescue mission that got children who had fallen prey to pimps and pushers off the streets and out of the criminal life.
My observation was that the abusers who came to the doors of those establishments, always full of bluster and mouth, instantly deflated at first sight of me. or any of the other guys who volunteered as guards at those places.
Not because we were scary, but because the abusers were arrant cowards when confronting another adult man, and I concluded that they were violent with women and kids BECAUSE they were afraid to deal with other men. Other men who made them feel inferior and angry. I never saw ONE abuser who was not a coward towards other men.
There was nothing remotely resembling a consensual BDSM relationship in any of these cases. There was nothing sexual involved in most of them; it was purely a matter of anger and violence.
With all due respect to fellow TMFers whom I have a lot of respect for, I feel that to even bring up consensual BDSM relationships in a discussion of violent domestic abuse is an irrelevant diversion from topic, a complete red herring. There is no consent in domestic abuse; if the victim even tried to hint at consent (which some have tried as a defense mechanism) it only drives the abuser to escalate the level of violence, and to keep doing so until they find a level at which there is clearly no consent being given. This sometimes ends in the death of the victim.
In many cases the anger of the abuser has been a pretense, to mask the fact that they are actually indulging in an addictive craving to inflict harm, pain and fear on an UNwilling victim. Sometimes the mask slips, and they fail to hide the pleasure they derive from administering the beating, letting the pretext that they are angry at the victim for some reason slip away as naked lust to hurt, harm and terrify takes over.
I was raised not just to never use violence against women and children, but to utterly despise men who do, and to actively protect the victims of such men whenever possible. Hell, that's how I ended up in this wheelchair.
Know what? I'm not sorry, and I'd do it again. The intended victim got away safely, and the four would be rapists will never walk again, any of them, while I may. I consider that worth it. Maybe I'm just nuts on the subject.
who violently abused women and/or children.
I worked as an unpaid volunteer door guard for years at a shelter for abused women which I think was the first in NYC, and at a rescue mission that got children who had fallen prey to pimps and pushers off the streets and out of the criminal life.
My observation was that the abusers who came to the doors of those establishments, always full of bluster and mouth, instantly deflated at first sight of me. or any of the other guys who volunteered as guards at those places.
Not because we were scary, but because the abusers were arrant cowards when confronting another adult man, and I concluded that they were violent with women and kids BECAUSE they were afraid to deal with other men. Other men who made them feel inferior and angry. I never saw ONE abuser who was not a coward towards other men.
There was nothing remotely resembling a consensual BDSM relationship in any of these cases. There was nothing sexual involved in most of them; it was purely a matter of anger and violence.
With all due respect to fellow TMFers whom I have a lot of respect for, I feel that to even bring up consensual BDSM relationships in a discussion of violent domestic abuse is an irrelevant diversion from topic, a complete red herring. There is no consent in domestic abuse; if the victim even tried to hint at consent (which some have tried as a defense mechanism) it only drives the abuser to escalate the level of violence, and to keep doing so until they find a level at which there is clearly no consent being given. This sometimes ends in the death of the victim.
In many cases the anger of the abuser has been a pretense, to mask the fact that they are actually indulging in an addictive craving to inflict harm, pain and fear on an UNwilling victim. Sometimes the mask slips, and they fail to hide the pleasure they derive from administering the beating, letting the pretext that they are angry at the victim for some reason slip away as naked lust to hurt, harm and terrify takes over.
I was raised not just to never use violence against women and children, but to utterly despise men who do, and to actively protect the victims of such men whenever possible. Hell, that's how I ended up in this wheelchair.
Know what? I'm not sorry, and I'd do it again. The intended victim got away safely, and the four would be rapists will never walk again, any of them, while I may. I consider that worth it. Maybe I'm just nuts on the subject.
TicklishLurker
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Mastertank1 said:
Sadly, some people are so set in their beliefs that no matter how many facts you present them with, they'll still mix up BDSM with abuse. It's like you're trying to tell them the sky is blue and they keep insisting it's green.
I've BEEN in an abusive relationship - I KNOW what one's like. My first (and so far only) boyfriend would shake me when he'd get angry. He'd turn to me at random moments and tell me I was stupid because I believed in God (he was an athiest) or that I was an idiot for liking Star Trek (he was a big Star Wars fan). He got so angry with me before I finally broke up with him that he raised his fist and threatened to hit me.
I've also experienced BDSM and met many people in the community - and it's absolutely, possitively nothing like an abusive relationship.
Why did he try to hit me? I don't know. He was doing drugs at the time. Up until then he had said he'd never hit a woman. Then suddenly as he started to reek of pot and spend more time with the married woman who was cheating on her husband with his roommate (and who looked like an older, fatter version of me at that time, right down to hair style and color), and he started getting violent.
Despite my self esteem problems, I dumbed the bastard. No one's going to hit me in anger. No one. Only hitting I will take is part of a pre-agreed upon consensual BDSM scene complete with safewords.
TklDuo-Drew
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Uhhhhhhh.....cause they're f*ckin' a-holes???
Drew
Drew
OKAY OKAY!!!
E-FREAKING-NOUGH!
Sheesh, I should take my own advice and not say anything...I would expect that people should read what I mean and not take it as an "attack" on BDSM lifestyles.
Let me say it again..........I DID NOT SAY THAT BDSM WAS THE SAME AS ABUSE! LOOK AT MY POST...PLEASE
I stated a truth, proven in many journals of medicine and psychology...
Children of relationships where there is violence are more likely to BE VIOLENT THEMSELVES! That was the coorelation I was making. Not that BDSM was abuse. But that children that see abuse be it consensual or not could form traits that allow them to precieve hitting as love. even if it consensual some people still dont know the diffrence...hell some adults dont know the diffrence so how can we expect every child to know.
So please before making comment about "some people and their beliefs"..I was the only one in this thread to bring it up....I was the one who talked it so please dont attempt to belittle me by sidestepping. Tell it straight to me. You dont agree....pony up. Im not a troll, nor am I PC or do I really care one ounce about popularity. Read and understand what I say..not what is thought I said...and if you need more information to clairify what I said, PM me or ask me. Dont talk around me like Im not here....way to many people in this forum do that and IT PISSES ME OFF!
Rob
Edit:though I mean what I say, I dont mean to put as much malice in it as it might come out. I have no problems with anyone nor do I mean to call anyone out. If things were meant as a general statement and not as a statements towards me, I apologize..I have no problem admitting when Im wrong and that I might have over analyzed something.
Rob
E-FREAKING-NOUGH!
Sheesh, I should take my own advice and not say anything...I would expect that people should read what I mean and not take it as an "attack" on BDSM lifestyles.
Let me say it again..........I DID NOT SAY THAT BDSM WAS THE SAME AS ABUSE! LOOK AT MY POST...PLEASE
NOT ONCE....NOT ONCE DID I SAY BDSM WAS ABUSE. NEVER ONCE.
I stated a truth, proven in many journals of medicine and psychology...
Children of relationships where there is violence are more likely to BE VIOLENT THEMSELVES! That was the coorelation I was making. Not that BDSM was abuse. But that children that see abuse be it consensual or not could form traits that allow them to precieve hitting as love. even if it consensual some people still dont know the diffrence...hell some adults dont know the diffrence so how can we expect every child to know.
This above statement in no way was I coorelating to BDSM..but my own broken marriage. Where not only my wife hit me, but emotionally abused me as well. And her words and actions hurt ME MORE than her fists ever did. It was because she wanted everything her way..or no way.
So please before making comment about "some people and their beliefs"..I was the only one in this thread to bring it up....I was the one who talked it so please dont attempt to belittle me by sidestepping. Tell it straight to me. You dont agree....pony up. Im not a troll, nor am I PC or do I really care one ounce about popularity. Read and understand what I say..not what is thought I said...and if you need more information to clairify what I said, PM me or ask me. Dont talk around me like Im not here....way to many people in this forum do that and IT PISSES ME OFF!
Rob
Edit:though I mean what I say, I dont mean to put as much malice in it as it might come out. I have no problems with anyone nor do I mean to call anyone out. If things were meant as a general statement and not as a statements towards me, I apologize..I have no problem admitting when Im wrong and that I might have over analyzed something.
Rob
Last edited:
german
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Tank brings up an important point - the men are cowards. The only time I ever got involved in this sort of situation was when my friend's boyfriend started hitting her and I mean like I mean fully hitting her............he was like 6'3 220 or something along those lines and when confronted, with out any other term coming to mind he bitched it and like please I'm only 5'10 and about 160, but as Tank said it was only because it was another adult man....
Sorry Rob I cant help but laugh, I know exactly what your saying and what context you put it in but some people are just to defensive and get on their moral high ground to quickly with out fully reading a post.
Kust
Sorry Rob I cant help but laugh, I know exactly what your saying and what context you put it in but some people are just to defensive and get on their moral high ground to quickly with out fully reading a post.
Kust
TicklishLurker
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german said:
And some of us weren't making our remarks to him (as I explained to him in PM). It was something else entirely.
One thing about the whole issue is Law & Order with it's lack of research does not help.
Just so people know....because Im the kind of guy that will stand up and say whats real and what not, whatever problem people might precieve from my post a couple above this one has been solved and their is no ill-will and there were no ill-intentions towards me.
I apologized once, twice and now 3 times to lady. And to anyone else whom viewing this might think of me as an ass. Not that I care...but Id rather you think of me as an ass for much better reasons, like my sarcasm or my winning personality.
And if you dont like it......
BITE ME!
Rob
I apologized once, twice and now 3 times to lady. And to anyone else whom viewing this might think of me as an ass. Not that I care...but Id rather you think of me as an ass for much better reasons, like my sarcasm or my winning personality.
And if you dont like it......
BITE ME!
Rob
I am very familiar with the movie you are referring to.
In that movie... yes he is abusive... yes he is controlling... but he punishes her for disobedience. He has set rules and guidelines and she is to obey them. If she would obey them... she wouldn't need to get punished.
I was 15... my mother and stepfather were going to be gone for the day. I was told to clean the upstairs... my stepbrother was told to clean the downstairs (basement). Well... as kids go we goofed around until I looked at my watch and said "Holy Shit! They're gonna be home soon!" We went into the house where I said, "I don't feel like cleaning the upstairs." My stepbrother said, "I don't feel like cleaning the downstairs." I said, "Why don't we switch?" We did. I had to go upstairs periodically for mop water and cleaning supplies and was able to watch my stepbrothers progress. He was doing a wonderful job. By the time our parents got home the upstairs was gleaming and my stepbrother was finishing up the dishes. The basement was spotless and I was emptying out the last of the mop water. Then, from upstairs I heard this "SMACK!" which was clearly a strike of some sort against skin. The basement door opened and my mother came down weilding the belt. Before she commenced to swinging the belt, she said, "I told YOU to clean the upstairs!" Clearly this was punishment not for a job not well done... but for disobedience. If I had done what she had told me to do... I never would have gotten the belt.
So... what is the difference in what he did and what my mother did? Why is one okay and not the other? Not that I am saying what the husband in the movie was right... but it seems like folks get all upset when these things are done to an adult but are okay with it if it's done to a kid.
The man in the movie wanted obedience.
In that movie... yes he is abusive... yes he is controlling... but he punishes her for disobedience. He has set rules and guidelines and she is to obey them. If she would obey them... she wouldn't need to get punished.
I was 15... my mother and stepfather were going to be gone for the day. I was told to clean the upstairs... my stepbrother was told to clean the downstairs (basement). Well... as kids go we goofed around until I looked at my watch and said "Holy Shit! They're gonna be home soon!" We went into the house where I said, "I don't feel like cleaning the upstairs." My stepbrother said, "I don't feel like cleaning the downstairs." I said, "Why don't we switch?" We did. I had to go upstairs periodically for mop water and cleaning supplies and was able to watch my stepbrothers progress. He was doing a wonderful job. By the time our parents got home the upstairs was gleaming and my stepbrother was finishing up the dishes. The basement was spotless and I was emptying out the last of the mop water. Then, from upstairs I heard this "SMACK!" which was clearly a strike of some sort against skin. The basement door opened and my mother came down weilding the belt. Before she commenced to swinging the belt, she said, "I told YOU to clean the upstairs!" Clearly this was punishment not for a job not well done... but for disobedience. If I had done what she had told me to do... I never would have gotten the belt.
So... what is the difference in what he did and what my mother did? Why is one okay and not the other? Not that I am saying what the husband in the movie was right... but it seems like folks get all upset when these things are done to an adult but are okay with it if it's done to a kid.
The man in the movie wanted obedience.
Mastertank1
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Right freakin' ON, brother!
VERY well put!TklDuo-Drew said:
There is absolutely no excuse for any man, hitting a woman, ever, or any individual ever hitting anyone, except in absolute cases of self defense, where their lives, or physical safety, is in danger.
This having been said, my answer to this question is that often times abuse can go from generation to generation. A boy grows up in a family where his father hit him, his siblings, or his mother, and once matured, has his own family, and does the same to them. This can be through learned negative and abusive behavior, unresolved anger at an abusive parent, or for other reasons. It is a learned behavior, and this is what is ingrained in a person. Someone might know it's "wrong" instinctively, but this is what they saw, and, essentially, what was taught to them in their own home.
Beatings can also happen for other reasons, of course, other than learned. It can be about power, control, domination, fear, all those reasons.
This being said, there is no reason to ever beat your spouse, or anyone. We all get angry, as that is human nature. It is more responsible if one finds themself in a situation where violence could potentially happen, or where they could become violent, to leave, go cool off somewhere, and then come back when they are calm, and can make a rational decision about what to do and say, that wont involve violence.
Domestic violence is one issue that I detest perhaps more than any other in the world. Any man, or anyone, who is cowardly enough to do that, should, in my opinion, be locked up with the slime of humanity, and themselves beaten to a pulp in lockup, so THEY can see how it feels to be smacked around. There is no excuse to hit. In any relationship, there are many other ways of dealing with problems, other than resorting to that, in my opinion, lowlife form of behavior.
Mitch
This having been said, my answer to this question is that often times abuse can go from generation to generation. A boy grows up in a family where his father hit him, his siblings, or his mother, and once matured, has his own family, and does the same to them. This can be through learned negative and abusive behavior, unresolved anger at an abusive parent, or for other reasons. It is a learned behavior, and this is what is ingrained in a person. Someone might know it's "wrong" instinctively, but this is what they saw, and, essentially, what was taught to them in their own home.
Beatings can also happen for other reasons, of course, other than learned. It can be about power, control, domination, fear, all those reasons.
This being said, there is no reason to ever beat your spouse, or anyone. We all get angry, as that is human nature. It is more responsible if one finds themself in a situation where violence could potentially happen, or where they could become violent, to leave, go cool off somewhere, and then come back when they are calm, and can make a rational decision about what to do and say, that wont involve violence.
Domestic violence is one issue that I detest perhaps more than any other in the world. Any man, or anyone, who is cowardly enough to do that, should, in my opinion, be locked up with the slime of humanity, and themselves beaten to a pulp in lockup, so THEY can see how it feels to be smacked around. There is no excuse to hit. In any relationship, there are many other ways of dealing with problems, other than resorting to that, in my opinion, lowlife form of behavior.
Mitch
