Why Do Most People Miss Ex-Lovers Who Treated Them Like Crap?

[Ethical Edward]

I found myself missing my ex yet again today running the old soulmate gig through my mind again...but would a true soulmate treat you like a cat treats his litterbox? I read her profile on classmates.com again and it sounds like she's the same abusive monster I had to let go and it got me thinking. Why do we miss lovers who stepped all over our hearts? Sometimes (usually against women) it gets physically abusive and the abuser is still thought off fondly! Does memory have that much power to filter out the bad times of which the majority of the time was or are we so lonely and despondent that we need something to hold on to? I don't know. I'm sure there are some interesting theories because it's beyond my knowledge. 😕

 

[tulipangel]

Ok, i can't answer for EVERYONE who does this..... As for me.... I miss crappy ex's because when they were treating me like crap, they were treating me at all! They noticed i was there. I honestly think sometimes i'd rather be with a man who is bad to me that notices me then a man who treats me with respect but doesnt notice me... if that makes sense?!?!?!?! 🙁

 

[Ethical Edward]

Sounds illogical but so does almost everything having to do with love so it's indeed possible.

 

[Dianatklee]

I think I am going to miss my soon to be ex because he is so cute and I will always find his tough animalistic treatment of me very sexy. But I will also miss him for when he was sweet to me, something my friends and family never saw. When he was like that I felt like a real woman, making a tough guy gentle. My friends tell me I have men issues. I think I do.

 

[RobAce]

For me its sort of diffrent.
I miss my ex because she is the mother of my children.
Simple as that. I miss my "family", but not her.
She spent years lying and cheating and Im glad we split up. But I miss her because of my children and thats how I see it.
So I really dont miss her persay, I miss the things that we had togeather.
When times were good, they were really damn good. But when things we bad, it was horrid. Never any middle ground.
So I do miss her as the mother of my kids in our family...but I dont miss her as my wife.

Rob

 

[TKpervert]

So I do miss her as the mother of my kids in our family...but I dont miss her as my wife.
Rob

That's a heavy-duty statement. Just seeing you make it means to me that you are doing well and know what's happening.
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. stay single
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[Tamia78]

I really do wonder why that is. The men that I miss alot in my life are the guys who treated me like crap. Weird. I think it has to do with wanting something we know we shouldn't/can't have. I have a tendency to like guys I KNOW for a fact I should have nothing to do with, and then when they act like themselves, I end up feeling bad. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Maybe we like punishment?

--T

 

[chicago]

For me, there's really only one person that I dated briefly but sometimes find myself missing, even though he was seriously out of his mind.

And that reason is that before he turned crazy, he was actually really awesome. He had all the qualities I looked for and he liked me and made me feel good.

So, it's not so much that I think people miss their exes, but that they miss the good times they had with that person or the good feelings they had at one point while with that person.

 

[kis123]

I don't miss him at all. I much prefer those who treat me well... like the people I have in my life right now.

Amen sista'!

I tell people on a regular basis that even though I get lonely sometimes, I love being ALONE! The men in my past were a bunch of losers, users, beaters, cheaters, and abusers. Why in the hell would I want them in my life? They got my best and threw it away-it's like casting my pearls amongst swine; a totally useless experience.

I usually just wish I made better choices and wish I NEVER married-I'm still digging though a sh*t mountain years after we split up.

Sorry folks-I'm just a tad bitter this morning..........

 

[Ethical Edward]

The men in my past were a bunch of losers, users, beaters, cheaters, and abusers. Why in the hell would I want them in my life?

Indeed that's the right attitude to have but as evidenced by this thread so many of us still long for those abusive partners that are gone. I think Tamia is right that we want what we can't have and we remember the good times and forget the bad so much.

 

[terorizer]

I hate to quote pop/mainstream art, but I was watching an episode of the Sopranos and well dammit it's just true! Psychiatrist Melfi is telling Tony "We need to repeat what's familiar to us, even if it's unhealthy." Often times, what we know is more important than what we know is best for us.

Also, sometimes the thing that makes a person crazy, is what makes us crazy for him/her, and when you're used to being touched in a special way, in a special place (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc) - then there's nothing, so now a void exists where previously there wasn't. I found I didn't miss the person, so much as I missed not having the void.

 

[Ethical Edward]

I keep calling my ex-girl Tanya my soulmate but would a soulmate treat you like shit? I mean if she was my soulmate i'd rather my soul burn in hell for all eternity cuz i'd be better than the cruel treatment she gave me. Obviously she wasn't my soulmate and my REAL soulmate is still out there and when the time is right i'll find her...I hope!

 

[ShadowTklr]

Validation, Identity, and Awakening

Many times, people who suffer the absence of abusive partners do so for one or more of three reasons that variably existed as a result of, or as a foundation for the relationship.

Validation: Tulip mentioned this earlier when she stated that it was sometimes better to have someone recognize you and treat you badly, than not recognize you at all. Even negative attention can be a source of validation that we exist - that we affect association from and between ourself and another person. Wanting to be a part of something greater than ourselves is a human need. However, combining that need with low self worth, or desperation for affection can sometimes be a powerful attractant to the wrong kind of partner.

Identity: This is just about the most common reason for asociating with, and mourning the absence of an abusive partner. Low self esteem creates a desire to rely upon the strength of others as a means of giving identity to oneself. Abused adults will acquiesce to the strength of their overbearing partners, even in cases of physical abuse because they've been conditioned (probably since childhood) to measure their own self worth through the eyes of others. This creates a constant attempt to please the abusive partner, even though the actions result in a continuation of the same low self image.

Awakening: Terorizer touched on this point in his post. There is something initially exciting about someone who can or will do things that make you feel energized; alive, or stimulated in a way that you may not have had the courage or experience to do for yourself. Perhaps it's an initial feeling of protection, of being guided through an amazing adventure, or just being in the presence of someone who demonstrates themselves to be so much stronger than you. In a healthy relationship, both partners grow as a result of the union. In an abusive relationship, it is the weaker partner who becomes the inevitable target as soon as the newness has worn out.

 

[maniactickler]

I think its because people like that, as bad as they are, add some excitement to things. noone likes boring people.

 

[Ethical Edward]

Many times, people who suffer the absence of abusive partners do so for one or more of three reasons that variably existed as a result of, or as a foundation for the relationship.

Validation: Tulip mentioned this earlier when she stated that it was sometimes better to have someone recognize you and treat you badly, than not recognize you at all. Even negative attention can be a source of validation that we exist - that we affect association from and between ourself and another person. Wanting to be a part of something greater than ourselves is a human need. However, combining that need with low self worth, or desperation for affection can sometimes be a powerful attractant to the wrong kind of partner.

Identity: This is just about the most common reason for asociating with, and mourning the absence of an abusive partner. Low self esteem creates a desire to rely upon the strength of others as a means of giving identity to oneself. Abused adults will acquiesce to the strength of their overbearing partners, even in cases of physical abuse because they've been conditioned (probably since childhood) to measure their own self worth through the eyes of others. This creates a constant attempt to please the abusive partner, even though the actions result in a continuation of the same low self image.

Awakening: Terorizer touched on this point in his post. There is something initially exciting about someone who can or will do things that make you feel energized; alive, or stimulated in a way that you may not have had the courage or experience to do for yourself. Perhaps it's an initial feeling of protection, of being guided through an amazing adventure, or just being in the presence of someone who demonstrates themselves to be so much stronger than you. In a healthy relationship, both partners grow as a result of the union. In an abusive relationship, it is the weaker partner who becomes the inevitable target as soon as the newness has worn out.

That's great stuff Shadow! I think for me #s 1 and 2 definitely ring a bell.

 

[Sunday_10pm]

it's because you have low self-esteem.

 

[gabrielle]

"We need to repeat what's familiar to us, even if it's unhealthy." Often times, what we know is more important than what we know is best for us.

I’ve read some similar theories, that girls who had an emotionally unavailable father are unconsciously looking for exactly that type of guy and will eventually end up in some kind of abusive relationships over and over again. No idea, if this is true for guys as well. Maybe for them it’s about their mothers? I truly believe in this theory, at least for me, it fits perfectly.
And it also explains this “wanting what we can’t have” to me, we are used to it, I guess somehow we believe that we have to fight for love and attention, because of low self esteem, we don’t think we are worthy of it.
And I think that somehow, after we had fought so much for getting what we - thought we - wanted, even though we were treated like shit most of the time, when it’s over, we believe, that we have lost something very valuable, since it was so difficult to get and we had suffered quite a lot to keep it and therefore we miss it so much. Not sure if I make sense here, but that’s how I feel sometimes.

 

[Ethical Edward]

it's because you have low self-esteem.

I know. With Tanya though it WAS like heaven the first 5 months of our relationship. I guess I wished she'd go back to the way she was but people change and unlike me not always for the better.

 

[OnnaOtaku]

I've often wondered this myself. There are only a few people in my past that I used to miss whom treated me like complete and utter shit. One in particular comes to mind. Even when I was with him I knew I shouldn't be, but for some reason I couldn't just let go. During my time with him we broke up twice and got together twice. The first breakup was horrible, I felt like shit, etc. I missed him for months afterwards, but eventually it died down. Then, unfortunately now but not at the time, we got back together. A few months later, broke up again, but that time, it didn't even bother me. I don't know why, but it didn't and I wasn't complaining. I think it had to do with the fact that I had a lot going on in my life aside from him the second time and I just plainly didn't have the time to miss him even if I wanted to.

When people miss people who treated them like shit, I have recently somewhat come to the conclusion that it's not the person they miss, but the companionship or the knowing you're not alone. A lot of people just don't like to be alone, and when you're with someone you've been with for a good amount of time is just suddenly gone, everything seems so different to you and that's where the missing them thing comes into play.

I can only imagine if I lost "someone" that wasn't a jerk to me but treated me like the Queen I am. Just knowing how it felt to breakup with those who treated me badly would be nothing compared to losing the one person who's treated me the way I should be treated. I don't fear losing him, because... and I will be conceited for a moment because I know him and myself and us together, but... I'm awesome, he's awesome and we're even more awesome together. But I digress. Like I said, I don't think it's necessarily the person in particular you miss, but the companionship, etc. Do you not miss people who treat you well just as much? I wouldn't classify it as only the people who treat you like crap you miss.

 

[Bugman]

Some people feel better the devil you know then the one you don't i guess.

 

[Sunday_10pm]

I know. With Tanya though it WAS like heaven the first 5 months of our relationship. I guess I wished she'd go back to the way she was but people change and unlike me not always for the better.

You have no idea why it happened do you?

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

I just think it has to do with approval. As human beings we have the desire to be loved. So when a person treats us like crap we become focused on getting the person to like us no matter what they do.

Even though relationships are a 50/50 road. There is a leader and a follower. Even if it's only 5 percent. It's unavoidable. Someone, whether it be the woman or the man has the more dominant personality.

Otherwise, two leaders would butt heads constantly and two followers could never get anything done. Most abusive relationships stand from the point of the "leader" steering the course of the way the relationship goes and the follower deals with it trying desperately to avoid him/her disliking them. This is just my opinion though.

 

[Deadsea7777]

I found myself missing my ex yet again today running the old soulmate gig through my mind again...but would a true soulmate treat you like a cat treats his litterbox? I read her profile on classmates.com again and it sounds like she's the same abusive monster I had to let go and it got me thinking. Why do we miss lovers who stepped all over our hearts? Sometimes (usually against women) it gets physically abusive and the abuser is still thought off fondly! Does memory have that much power to filter out the bad times of which the majority of the time was or are we so lonely and despondent that we need something to hold on to? I don't know. I'm sure there are some interesting theories because it's beyond my knowledge. 😕

If she does not like you, she does not deserve you. That's all there is to it. Use this experience to learn this.

 

[kis123]

I've gone through enough in relationships that I'd rather be alone than to be with another person who will mistreat me. I did not date for years (7 to be exact). I took that time to get to know me better and get my act together. I got my credit on track, got a respectable job, got my Bachelors degree and am now working towards my masters. These are things I wasn't able to obtain with someone in my life-I was too busy trying to be everything they needed. I also was raising my children and they didn't need men in their faces-they needed their mother. I hate it when women keep a revolving door of men around their kids; kids get attatched way too easy especially if their father isn't involved.

It wasn't easy spending those years alone, I like sex just as much as anyone else. But I wasn't willing to compromise in exchange for sex, love, approval, or even companionship anymore. For the most part, things paid off-I got rid of all the dead weight in my life and stopped goiing for the first man who said something nice to me.

It gets to a point where one has to look in the mirror and ask the tough questions. You have to ask why do you attract people who mistreat you and why you allow it in your life? Then you have to decide you deserve better and wait until yoiu get it. You will kiss a lot of frogs along the way, but you will find your princess if you're patient.

 

[Ethical Edward]

You have no idea why it happened do you?

Well it's like you said I have low selfesteem but you know what they say...love is blind.